Grammar, man

I shared about some grammar concerns today with someone new. It didn’t exactly go very well, so far as accepting and understanding go. I was left with an experience of having been not heard, not believed, not trusted, and considered bizarre in a negative way. I merely shared that there were errors in the copy of almost everything official that I had read by this company, and that I wanted to reach out to the right individual or individuals to begin creating the corrections for all of those errors. I even gave various general examples of the error types that I had found. After doing that, I was asked what kind of errors I had found. I repeated myself almost verbatim in answering the query.

And I know that I care about language and grammar loads more than any average human being is likely even capable of caring – I get that. But it doesn’t make it suddenly not suck when I experience someone not only distrusting and disbelieving me but also verbally responding with words that suggest that I am a negative anomaly in the world. Because it does suck when that happens, and that does happen.

And I get that this person likely was very tired and rather surprised by the concept I was presenting. That also does not make it suddenly not suck, how that person responded to me.

So, I just wanted to share that – that it really sucked in those moments of someone, whether knowingly or not, invalidating me and my concerns for the betterment of this company.

Yeah.

I guess this is an opportunity for me to look at how I might do the same to others, especially when I am tired or sleepy. 🙂

Yeah. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Remember to breathe

A dear friend reached out to me again today, sharing with me photos from her life lately. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it, nor about her having reached out yesterday. Two days in a row, unsolicited…

I would have been overjoyed at this fact six months ago, or a year ago…

The thing is, she has felt more like a memory than a friend for rather a while now. I’ve grown so accustomed to the ache to know what she’s up to, that it has merely become white noise in the background of my life. I don’t even have the full thought anymore of, “I wonder how she’s doing.” When she comes to mind, I kind of just give myself a mental shake, and I move on to something else… I would be bothering her, is the thought that has always stopped me from reaching out to her, either to check in on her or to share with her about me. I already stopped a long time ago sharing things with her about my life, because she never seemed to have the time or mental space to reply to any of it, and it always kind of hurt or put a negative tinge on the happy events I had relayed to her. I only felt like it was okay to reach out in something pertinent or that was an emergency. So, I only ever did when I really needed some extra prayers on something – when I was getting desperate in life, and severely needed a friend. But the day-to-day of our friendship has been rather nonexistent for quite some time.

When she had a life change this year, and she said she needed to focus on that, I even stopped reaching out for the prayer help or friend guidance… this summer held some of the most miserable moments and events of my recent years of life, about all of which she knows nothing – I didn’t want to interrupt her life…., because that’s how I have felt recently, that I am interrupting her life whenever I am in touch with her.

And I know now that that really doesn’t work for me. It probably doesn’t work so well for her either, but I don’t know, really, because we’re never in touch in the first place.

So, I want to talk with her (though it is all too likely just to be text messages, because that’s how it’s had to be for reasons of time limitations in recent years), and sort it all out. I need to communicate lovingly and effectively that our current relationship doesn’t work for me, and what would she like for our relationship, and can we establish something that works for both of us? Because I know that it would be better to let go of the friendship and allow the space it opens up to provide for a new friendship in my life, than to keep it as it has been recently for me. But I don’t think that would need to happen – I think we both want this friendship to remain. It just needs to be re-established.

It’s still a bloody scary conversation to enter, nonetheless…, but I’ll do it. And likely this week. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Gratitude

I shared the song specifically with a sixth person today. She is the one who helped me when I was ready to be helped out of the abuse situation, when my eyes finally could see just enough clear light to be able to take a much- and long-desired step forward, out of the gray cast of clouds that had taken over my space for so many months. And she loved me freely the whole way through the end, which made all the difference in the world. I still remember how, when I opened the front door to her, close to midnight that night, I had been terrified…, but, when I saw her face, that she was smiling with true love, I felt everything melt away – it was going to be okay. I was going to be okay.

And it all was. And I was and am.

She and I laughed so much that night. I also cried a whole bunch, both from sorrow and annoyance and from laughter. I remember how she took a photo of me at one point, my eyes swollen and red and puffy, yet so full of light, you could see how free and full of life I felt myself being again. I think she took the photo to document that light having returned to me. I suppose, in many ways, that is an extremely beautiful photo.

🙂

So, she helped me through such a hard time of moving away from, essentially, evil. And then, years down the road, we don’t even communicate with one another anymore. I guess her having gotten a boyfriend turned fiancé turned husband played a rather large role in that. I’ve been okay without her in my daily life these past several years. However, I have always valued her love and her role in my life during that time of true need – I think I always will be grateful to her for that.

And so, when I wrote this song yesterday, she was someone who didn’t even have to come to mind – she was already there. I contemplated whether I actually wanted to share the song with her or not, and, after sleeping on it, I knew it was okay to do. (I had sent her a message yesterday to see if I still had her correct number. When she replied today, I took it as a sign to send her the song.)

I thanked her for her love and help in my time of need, and said how it was invaluable to have someone care for me and be with me after my having been alone in abuse for so long. And I sent the song. I’m not even sure I said that I wrote it, actually… but she understood that I had written it, I think.

Okay, I just checked. I did tell her that I wrote it and that I wanted to share it with her.

Anyway, after I’d sent it all to her, it occurred to me how unreal such messages must be to the average person – I mean, who sends messages like that and so totally out of the blue and short and direct like I did? I don’t know many people who do anything of the sort. I know honest people, open people, but that directness and the unexpectedness of the message, with no real lead-in… no, I don’t know those people.

Haha

Just myself. 😀

Anyway, I’m glad I sent it to her and expressed gratitude to her. And I think she appreciated it, too. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Men

“You’d tell him, but not me?” he asks, somewhat incredulously.

“Yeah,” she replies, matter-of-factly, “That’s the kind of relationship he and I have. I mean, he’s not trying to have sex with me. You are.”

He laughs strongly for a few moments, mumbles, and then adds, “It’s so weird… people don’t usually just say that… even if they know it.”

She shrugs, even though he can’t see her, “Yeah. Well, it’s true, nonetheless.”

“I, I know… But people just don’t usually say that out loud,” he says, and he laughs some more, but it is not as pronounced.

He remembers that she is not typical, by any means…, which is exactly why he resists being friends with her: he can’t seem to categorize her.

She wonders if he’ll ever be able to move past this attachment he seems to have to sex and the likes in their chats… that’s what he had been asking about in the first place, though in what she found to be a bothersome evasive and indirect way… she doesn’t mind mention of such things, when they are relevant, but she prefers and genuinely enjoys all the other topics they end up on whenever they talk… that’s why she bothers with the acquaintanceship – she is aiming to be friends, even ones who only talk on occasion.

……

Besides, she thinks to herself a while later, recalling the conversation, as she reflects on the message she just received, not only is he not trying to sleep with me, but he says things like this to me:

Quando ridi si pronunciano molto i tuoi zigomi. Risata fantastica!!🤩

“When you laugh, your cheekbones are very pronounced. Fantastic laugh!!”

And then he follows it up with:

Volevo fare un apprezzamento su di una cosa che mi piace di te….

“I wanted to show appreciation to you for something I like about you.”

Different strokes.

Very different relationships.

Very different men, and with very different goals.

She tends to prefer the cheekbones one over the other…. the one who wants to be a friend over the one who wants to be a friend with benefits…, and possibly minus the friend part of it…

She is glad she told him a straightforward explanation, and that she asked him straight out why he had wanted her to drink with him.

The cards are on the table, and she doesn’t have to play.

Post-a-day 2020

The best policy?

Honesty may hurt – and really badly – but I still believe it to be the best policy.

Being straight with people makes a world of a difference, I swear.

Yes, it can hurt to be told, ‘Unless you lose a lot of weight, get fit, and stop wearing that strong, fake body spray, we are definitely not having sex.’

But would you rather persist and persist and never understand why a girl seems interested in you, yet nothing ever happens between the two of you?

I feel like you just would end up going insane, and not being able to stand being around her anymore, for lack of understanding the situation.

Whereas, in knowing the truth, her having been straightforward and honest with you, you now have the choice either to do something about it to meet her standards, or you can choose not to pursue them and to let go of your currently vain efforts to have a physical relationship with her – no more wasted effort there, and you can turn your attention and efforts elsewhere for that, and instead focus on a friendship with this girl, in which you both can be satisfied from an open and honest relationship.

Just some thoughts for the night.

P.S. I just learned about testicular torsion…. youch.

Post-a-day 2020

Completion

Well, I am extremely grateful that guy was willing, at least somewhat, to give me a bit of feedback on why he didn’t care to pursue anything at all with me anymore.

No, he never gave me a clear answer, but he did say somewhat that he was, in fact, interested in something on the dating and physical relationship side of things – you know, the side I had considered a non-option due to his having a girlfriend (the one who no longer existed, but I was unaware of that at first).

And so, I told him that I wished I’d known that sooner, as it would have made a big difference in everything for me, and that, oh, well…, too bad… let me know if you’d like to do a re-do… ::crying laughing emoji ::face palm emoji.

At that, I leave the situation comfortably.

Yes, I am still bummed at his not being straight with me and not really giving me a chance, once I did start to see where he stood.

Yet, I accept him for it all… I do not need to forgive him; just accept who and how he was… and I do, now.

This scenario and relationship are now complete for me, with all loose ends tied up.*

And I am grateful that I kept true to myself through this all.

Phew!

Getting better all the time, you know?

Grateful for the strength and love that guides me forward with all of this stuff in life.

Thank you, God.

Now, who’s next in line?

Because I’m ready for the next round of being myself in the face of no agreement. 😀

…….

*A joke that my Opa always shares with me came to mind just there… it’s how they would joke with one another as kids, playing with the literal meaning of the phrase used for ‘What’s wrong?’

Was ist los?

Alles, was nicht gebunden ist!

Hashtag Family of total nerds…

Post-a-day 2020

What’s on your mind?

Every time we log in to Facebook, we are presented with this question: What’s on your mind?

Well, Facebook, painfully annoying stuff is on my mind tonight (and clearly I am not telling you about it 😂).

I’m finally, tonight, allowing myself to accept and experience the hurt I have from today and this past week.

It feels almost like déjà vu, and that seems to be what hurts the most about it all.

For the second time in a very short amount of time, I have met a guy and endeavoured to establish a relationship of friendship with him…, and I have been, while accepted at first, almost immediately denied the opportunity.

They aren’t being mean to me – not intentionally, anyway.

They actually are, in a way, being extremely nice in telling me that they don’t want to continue in the relationship (whatever kind it may be), as opposed to disappearing entirely or just slowly phasing me out of their lives intentionally.

However, what hurts about it all is that it feels like they didn’t even give me a real chance – they say they don’t think our personalities match up, or something like that, but they barely even took the time to discover anything about my personality.

This one, I’m not exactly clear if the comment was BS, in that he was actually just interested in a rebound dating relationship or sex after a recent breakup of his, and I was not sharing that intention in the friendship…

For one thing, can we please just speak honestly and openly about these things?

Would you just tell me what your intentions are, and we can figure out that way if our intentions align, or if we want to make them align?

Secondly, I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend – because he had had one when I had last seen him.

I was necessarily dealing with a mental dilemma, wondering if I was reading incorrectly into his seeming advances, or if he, in fact, was either A)in an open/polyamorous relationship, or B)was actively pursuing someone else despite his being in a relationship.

Whatever between the two, I was absolutely disinterested in being involved in the matter.

What’s more, I was looking for camaraderie or friendship, as I had said.

So, I was confused as to whether I needed to be disturbed with his behavior or whether I was seriously misunderstanding social cues from this person.

That was happening while I still aimed to be nice and un-prying – because who wants to be the person who calls him out on it, and finds out that he is in a loving relationship, and I was just way wrong and totally misread everything? – and give him the benefit of the doubt, that somehow this all could make sense, eventually.

Well, I found out eventually that his relationship had ended.

And then, after little else, he tells me that, ‘out of respect for me, he doesn’t think he’s interested in continuing our relationship.’

Okay… what relationship is that?

The one that never actually started, because I first didn’t understand what on Earth was going on, and then denied your somewhat unclear invitation – I think that’s what it had been intended to be, anyway – for sex?

Or was it for a dating relationship?

I genuinely do Not Know.

Like I said, I wish people just would be straight about this stuff, about their intentions.

I am not offended or the least bit upset, if you tell me that you would like to have sex with me and not have any other sort of relationship with me, or if you tell me that you are only interested in possibly dating me and don’t want to be friends of the dating doesn’t work out, or even if you say that you just want someone to date casually and with little-to-no commitment.

That would give me the chance to re-evaluate the situation, see how I feel about it all, and let you know if we line up or not… instead of your just assuming what my opinion on the matter would be.

I am extremely frustrated when you have clear intentions, but won’t make them clear to me… Just tell me, dang it(!!!).

What sucks so much, is that, had I known the situation ahead of time, I would have had a very different approach to it… I mean, he’s certainly an attractive guy, and I made several delighted grins at things he wrote or said to me… if I had known he was single and looking, I likely wouldn’t have been opposed.

But that isn’t something I can sort out properly in my head in an instant… I need a bit of breathing time to move someone from the ‘unavailable and off-limits’ category to ‘available and interested in me’ one…

Anyway…

I don’t know where I’m going with this right now… I’m just frustrated and hurt that, once again, a guy wasn’t straight with me, and so he has no idea what my thoughts or opinions are on the matter, but he decided he wanted to cut off all communication with me…

I’m an amazing person, and I truly know that.

It doesn’t mean this isn’t still frustrating, though.

What’s with people?

A friend said to me about it earlier that this seems to be something like a Millennial thing: The moment something starts to get uncomfortable, they ditch.

Granted, I’m not actually a Millennial, but the fad seems to be seeping into those near enough in age, and I am starting to feel like I have too many of those in my life right now.

Today, different people in two very different contexts told me that I am a lot to handle (and they didn’t mean it as an insult), both of them men.

One even said that most people are too superficial for me, and so my deepness and interest in being with people for real, on a real level, is hard for people who are used to living on the surface.

My cousin, in another unrelated conversation, mentioned to me that relationships with people can, in fact, develop beautifully and easily by people being straight and open and deep from the start with one another, as is evidenced by my relationship with my conversation exchange partner.

She brought that up on her own.

Another man told me, ‘You are a special woman. Remember that!’

I never thought a woman I [hardly know] could affect my life with such intensity.

Today, three different men and a woman affirmed voluntarily, with no request or prompt from me, that I am a wonderful person and am totally worth it, deserving of the best.

When does that happen in a single day?

Yet, what fills my mind is the one man who never even gave me a chance.

Why do our brains do this?

::big siiiigggggghhhhh………

I think I just need to experience and embrace this frustration, so I can let it all go.

Pick up, and release…

I’m hoping for a freeing feeling tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2020

Pride and Prejudice and Candor

I am currently rereading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, as I tend to do about once every year or so.

[If you haven’t read it and you care to, be forewarned that plot ‘spoilers’ ensue.]

Tonight, listening to the audiobook – yes, I count it as reading, though I could argue against it in a way – while I rearranged and tidied my room, mostly folding laundry (one of my biggest struggles in daily life so far, laundry is), I was struck particularly in the section of Mr. Darcy’s proclamation of love and request of Elizabeth’s hand in marriage.

The whole reason things work out in the end is because, in going against all standards of propriety, Eliza speaks openly and honestly of her opinion of Mr. Darcy.

Sure, it is an opinion formed by false and inaccurate information, but these errors could never have been remedied had she not mentioned them so vehemently in their few minutes of true candor with one another – a few minutes which were quite irregular in society at the time.

And then, I thought, a few minutes which are quite irregular in society here, now…

How might things be so drastically different, if we were open and honest with one another as they were in that brief interview?

Would more problems be caused, or would more be solved?

Perhaps, at first, more problems would arise than we would feel we could handle…, but then, with practice, I think we would learn how to live differently, communicate differently, such that an unbelievably high number of problems would be resolved by the new way of interacting with one another with true yet kind candor.

It isn’t that everyone would be running around, insulting everyone else all the time… merely that, when asked, we would speak honestly of our opinions and our thoughts on matters.

Knowing that people would be honest, perhaps some questions would not be asked…, but, knowing that honesty would be given, perhaps more questions would be asked, the asker knowing that no offense need be taken from the answer – it would not be contrived, but merely honest.

It reminds me, too, of how, in the Bis(s) zum book series (a beloved German read of mine), the one group of individuals suddenly obtain the ability (?) to hear one another’s thoughts collectively, always – they cannot avoid sharing a thought, nor avoid hearing a thought of another in the group.

One’s pain is, in a way, experienced by all, and the same with joy and anger and any other experience, as they all hear one another’s thoughts, almost as though the thoughts are their own.

They all care for one another and support one another, and the exposure of the deepest and darkest and most embarrassing of thoughts of any one member, at some point or other, must be accepted by the others, if they are to remain together in life – so long as they live, they will know the thoughts of one another, all of the thoughts.

And they, despite learning these dark and embarrassing thoughts of one another, and of unwillingly exposing their own, eventually draw even closer to one another, their bonds made even deeper by the shared thoughts…

And I find that lovely.

How might the world be different, if we learned to share like this with our loved ones in life… and to love one another knowing these thoughts of one another…?

If we dropped our pride and our prejudice, and listened to the innermost thoughts and fears and wishes and concerns of those around us, and shared our own in return, would we suddenly be able to love more deeply than we had ever imagined possible, live more profoundly than ever we dreamed?

Anyway…, some food for thought, I guess you could say.

(Though I kind of just want some actual food right now…)

Post-a-day 2020

More than just a physical workout

Today was my second day as a member of this CrossFit gym. My friend and I – we signed up together – have schedules that don’t align for workouts today and tomorrow, so we’re going to separate classes on both days, as will be the case going forward, whenever our schedules don’t align (that is, we both must and will go on the same day, at least three days a week, just not always at the same time… sure, there will be times where this doesn’t work out, but it is our strong intention to stick with it as absolutely best as is possible). Therefore, I went to the midday class on my own today. It was hot out, in the eighties, and I was tired… I had helped this same friend put together her new television stand and television last night after our late dinner together after class, and then I had to be up rather early this morning. Plus, of course, I had done the actual workout yesterday evening in the first place, and I was still a bit sore from the test class we’d done on Thursday evening. Altogether, I was hot, tired, and alone on my own. But I was there, and I knew it was exactly where I wanted and needed to be – everything was perfect in this. I was even nervous, because I’m new at it and don’t quite know how things work at least half the time; I’d even said we felt like lost puppies the other evening, as we tried figuring out what was going on in the middle of the class. 😛 Anyway, continuing onward…

So, I’m there on my own. I also happen to be rather un-strong right now – not that I’m weak, but I’m nowhere near as strong as I have been much accustomed to being throughout my life. And I have a good amount of fat on my body that I want to go away. In fact, I have wanted it to go away for years, but it has, instead, increased ever so slowly these past few years or so, with the occasional drop of most of it, and then the returning slow increase. You see, I can’t ever stick with it… I always hit a point where I can’t stand the fat an low fitness level, and so I do something about it. Whenever I hit a certain level of fitness and fat reduction, I always end up stopping… not from exhaustion or annoyance or anything, but from a thought that comes up of, “That’s (good) enough for now,” with a hint of something like fear behind it.

I shall return to this thought after explaining more from the class today (that is, you will figure out its relevance in just a bit).

Pushing through the workout, doing all that I could, my body shaking throughout about half of the workout, due to the struggle, I found myself in almost constant tears. I methodically reassured myself (when I was alone on the running section each time) both inside my head and aloud, that this is perfect that I am here… I can’t do this, and that is why I am here… I am meant to be here… This is perfect… This is exactly where I belong… This is where I need to be right now… This is where I need to be… This is perfect…

Over and over again, I repeated the varying versions of the idea that I was exactly where I needed to be, while acknowledging that it was difficult to do the workout (without degrading in any way), all the while crying.

When I finished the last bit, I stayed lying on the bench for about thirty seconds or so, because the tears were so strong, my body was even convulsing with a few hearty sobs as I rested my arms on top of me in a sort of relaxed hug… I let it out, so I could let it go.

And then I wiped off my tears, got up, and started cleaning up everything that I had used, reminding myself that this is perfect.

I didn’t talk to anyone initially… just the bare minimum of how long it took me, and then nods to say that I was, in fact, okay… avoiding the part where I didn’t know what I even could say, let alone would say, if talking were required.

As I put away the last thing, the bar I had used, the girl (lady) I’d met at the beginning said something to me. I don’t remember if it was a question about the workout, or merely encouragement, but there eventually came a point at which I went ahead and shared a little with her. Taking it slowly, and eventually having the tears start pouring out (but not as badly as they could have been had I not taken it slowly), I told her how a lot was coming up for me in this… My having always been one of the top performers in almost any and every sport I did growing up and as a younger adult, and suddenly being on the other end of it all, I felt like the fat kid – this workout was hard for me in places that things had never before been hard for me… My life direction and style and goals having begun and finally done a sort of plunge into a drastically different direction, terrifying me ever so slightly but intensely… The regular stresses of life, combined with the raccoons and the fleas… and, most importantly and intensely, that I am actually taking on for real getting my body to the physical fitness level and look I so long to have.

This last one may not seem like much, but it is. I told her how I had kind of hit a point of being afraid of being a beautiful female body, and that I started to shy away from the idea, aiming for the less feminine versions of clothing and such. She (appropriately) asked if something happened to me, and (appropriately) acknowledged that it wasn’t that something had to have happened to me – she just wondered if any incident had played a role in that, since it so often does, especially for women.

And, surprisingly, – but also not surprisingly, since I’ve been working on being my true self and being self-expressed truly – I told her that Yeah, I kind of did. It wasn’t exactly the catalyst of it all, – I had already started feeling uncomfortable with being womanly and all. But it did act as a strong encouragement that I was right, and that it is bad to be womanly and sexy. I even shared a bit of details that were relevant, remaining comfortable and confident in myself the whole time.

I recently had a long and tough and beautiful conversation with my best friend about my own incident, and I completed what I needed through that conversation – whatever I needed addressed or said or acknowledge, happened, and my feeling of being trapped by the incident was, after years of avoidance and mental pain and struggle hiding in the back of my mind, finally disappeared… I could see it as something that happened, and was able to talk about it fully at last. I don’t mean each and every detail, of course, but the experience itself and anything that was particularly heavy on me suddenly lost their power and weight in my mind. And my recent efforts to find the kind of exercise I want to do, and then finding the right gym to do it once I’d found the exercise, all came out of this conversation I’d had with my best friend near the end of last year.

And today, all on my own, knowing fully that I am in this at least through September – already paid of through then, essentially – and that I am guaranteed spectacular results by then (especially since it usually only takes about three months to see massive results, anyway, here), was a somewhat terrifying experience and feeling. I’ve spent so long, so many years, convinced to my core that I must avoid these exact results I am not actively seeking. I must not become an object that might be desired sexually… But my recent experiences of wanting to be able (eventually, anyway) to have that experience of not only wanting to desire a man, but of wanting that man to desire me… now those already have been huge, and were formerly unthinkable… but now they actually have a chance to happen one day soon…, and that is so scary to the terrified girl I had grown so accustomed to being inside my head.

But I want this. And I can finally see clearly enough to believe that it truly is okay for me to want it. I want my partner in life to want me in every way, and vice versa…and physically is one of those ways. And I shared this all with her.

And then she shared about her own miserable incident… and how she struggled to get to where she is today – happily married and comfortable with her body and going after amazing fitness, even showing off her body in her workout clothes (not inappropriately at all, but quite flatteringly and tastefully, I dare say) – and that she agrees with me that this is the perfect place for me to be with this. The community is wonderful at this gym – yes, there are physical beasts of men, but not one of them is anything less than a wonderful human being. And, by the way, ‘I didn’t dress like this when I first started coming here,’ she told me, smiling knowingly as I smiled and chuckled in my loose and somewhat baggy t-shirt and shorts. A hint of her midriff was showing, her top was sleeveless, and her shorts were mid-thigh and exercise style snug… it looked great and showed off her muscles modestly, but well.

As we were leaving, she told me that she regularly attends that class, clearly encouraging me to return and to see her as a willing friend of sorts. It felt good. And in a way I’m not sure I’ve known in quite a long time.

Post-a-day 2019

Book characters

In class tonight, talking about literature, I mention that – and this is somewhat quietly after someone else mentions that she loves the character ‘so much’ – I mention that I kind of hate her.

The classmate who always sits by me says, almost immediately, “Hannah, you don’t ever like nobody,” and we both crack up, knowing that it is kind of totally true (at least in terms of the books we’ve discussed for class).

Post-a-day 2018