Ouch

Yup. Still sore. Though, it has been coming and going throughout the day today. I slept loads better last night (though that still wasn’t very good overall), and my arms were improving significantly yesterday evening and this morning. However, when we had to run errands with and for my grandma, and then drive three+ hours home, being so sedentary in the car made not only my arms more sore, but also my legs(!). And so, my arms and my legs hurt now, and so look ridiculous whenever I need to brush or floss my teeth, scratch my face, push some hair back, and all that jazz. Ugh…

Whatever…

Post-a-day 2022

Ouch

“You oughta see yourself,” she says, chuckling. “You look like…,” and she makes motions with her arms that are very clearly imitating a monkey.

Oh, I know, Grandma… I am incredibly aware… 😛

After the workout yesterday – mile run, 100 pull-ups (modified to difficult ring rows), 200 push-ups (modified to dumbbell push-ups for my wrist), 300 air squats, and another mile run, both runs with a 10lb weight vest on me – my arms are in big time muscle soreness. I hadn’t done push-ups in months because of my wrist, and I suddenly shot out 200 of them. It’s no wonder they hurt today, but boy, do they hurt! I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night, they were hurting so badly. I was rubbing and stretching half the night after that. Then, today, I couldn’t quite get my arms to bend normally, so, every time I itched my face or wiped my mouth or brushed back a lock of hair, my overly rounded arm shape made me look and feel just like a monkey.

Fortunately, all the vitamins and food and water and stretching and low-grade use of those muscles today has helped significantly. They aren’t healed fully, but they are much better than this time last night!

God, thank you for the blessing of this pain, this reminder always to take care of myself and be grateful for my body and its capabilities. Please, help me to heal fully that I might pursue fully and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Saturday sickness

Man, my body is tired of menstruation… not having my supplements this time, leading up to my period, I mean, has been a real hassle. I spent most of the day sick today – exhaustion and weakness with slight elevation in temperature in the afternoon (I talk about this like I’m a weather report…). I felt roughly dreadful ever since my shower after the workout this morning. I went back to bed just for a nap, woke up after an hour, needing to potty and adjust the air to cooler, and then fell asleep hard for another three hours. I woke up hot and panicked, knowing it was later than it was supposed to be.

My mom didn’t mind too much, though. She still enjoyed the rodeo on her own, then left early, as it was incredibly crowded (as expected) by later afternoon, and brought me some soup. She just happened to have made some soup yesterday, and to have brought a bunch with her in thermoses to the rodeo, but not drunk them yet. It was just what I had needed, that soup. And it got me outside for a few minutes when I went to get it in the driveway and talk with my mom briefly.

I’m feeling much better now, but still not tops. Hopefully, I will improve throughout the night… though, it will be tough having to get up as often as it looks like I’ll have to do to use the bathroom (due to menstruation, not the potentially-menstruation-induced illness)… only tomorrow will tell.

At that, I bid you all a wonderful and rest-filled night! God, please, bless us all with your love in a new way tonight, that we better fulfill your will tomorrow. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Rest in the knowledge

‘I mean, I love him, but if he’s not going to take his fitness seriously, then it’s not ever gonna happen,’ she says with casual comfort and clear honesty. ‘If he won’t even stretch, then no way…’ She is not upset in what she says, nor is she concerned. For her, it is clear that, if he isn’t the one, then he just isn’t the one, and she’s totally okay not spending any strain, stress, or brainpower on wishing, hoping, or dreaming for him to be the one. If he’s not, he’s not, and there’s someone better out there. If he is, then he’ll make it clear that he is, which will include caring about his well-being and honoring his own body. How can we love another, if we cannot love ourselves?

Be not afraid. God is with us, even and especially when we feel so utterly alone on the partner/relationship front. God, grant me the serenity to be your love in the world, even and especially in the face of no agreement in my life. Help me to do what only I can do to share your love in the world. Help me to fulfill on all I am capable of doing in this life, through your will and help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Still have to think about that year…)

My Body

My body is extremely sore,
Worn out,
Ground,
Grounded.
But it is also satisfied,
Sated,
Lifted,
And elated,
For it comes from a week
Of releasing what is weak,
Embracing my state
and pursuing my strength,
Letting go of what’s in the way
Of being my best
And fittest
Self.
This week was great
In a really hard way.
Indeed,
I will pass out hard
After a week so hard,
And I will relish
The restoration
Tonight’s and tomorrow’s rest
Will bring.
And I will breathe
Easily,
Freely,
And with increased oxygen.
And,
Next week,
I’ll do it again.

Post-a-day 2022
(Still got it wrong…)

A Fine Day, Today

I am still not clear of the depression, but I am significantly improved today. I got things done, and I enjoyed doing them. They went all wonky with order and finish times. And that was okay – I rolled with it with much ease and only a little strain. I know my body is dealing with a lot, and that’s okay. I haven’t been helping it with my food situation the past two-three weeks. (That’s been a bit of a bad positive feedback circle itself… and with sleep, too.) I have been improving on the sleep and the life-attitude parts especially, and am working on setting things up to improve even more, day by day. I started menstruating this afternoon, and that is a sign that my body will chill out a bit – read “loads” – in the next 12-24 hours, and I’ll not have to be physically aching to reproduce, constantly bombarded by daydreams of fit, wealthy, gorgeous men (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing to have on one’s mind, but it’d be nice not to have it shoved upon me at all times of day and night.) anymore. I am grateful for that. I always feel so crazy when my body does its last-ditch effort to reproduce… sigh

I am nervous about tomorrow. I am nervous about being seen as bad or wrong or evil. I am worried about being rejected in my human love and care. I am worried about being misunderstood. I am worried about being unacknowledged, unnoticed, ignored. I am worried about feeling like I am in trouble…. sigh….

Now, if I let all that go, now that it is acknowledged, I am delighted and excited about tomorrow! I can hardly wait to give my next gift to someone. I gave my Secret Santa gift tonight, and the person was delighted. We have a whole group text thing for all of our employees. We have a group just for the Secret Santa, too. But my person shared a photo and an adorable message in the group with everyone tonight:

YALL!!! LOOK WHAT MY SECRET SANTA DONE DID FOR MEEEE!!!!!

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!😊😊😊❤❤❤

Suffice it to say that, though I was bummed I hadn’t done a better job, it was still very well done and very well set up. And as a $10-limit Secret Santa gift, it was quite impressive. I don’t know if she knew I had given it to her – though my name was clever put on the calligraphy pages, as I have an actual calligraphy name stamp (but it is in Japanese, and stylized, AND the katakana of Hannah look like 80 in Japanese kanji…, so there’s a big chance she can’t and won’t read it) -, but I am excited at and satisfied with her excitement in the present.

Tomorrow, however, I have my fingers majorly crossed for the gift I am giving someone I care about and love dearly. You see, he kind of needs a Hawaiian shirt. Yes, need is loosely used, but somewhat applicable nonetheless. He also loves purple. Many purples don’t look great with his skin tone and eyes and hair – my mom and i have discussed this, of course. Hawaiian shirts don’t exactly come in purples that often either. So, it was a struggle not only to find a purples shirt, but to find a pretty, acceptable pattern and shade of purple, as well as a non-polyester-piece-of-junk shirt. The idea was to give him “flowers” for a performance he has. Those “flowers”, of course, would be the hibiscus flowers on the Hawaiian shirt. However, with all the purple nonsense – not that purples is nonsense, but the searching was silly -, the shirt we found is actually just mountains and clouds and palm trees… so, no flowers. Now, I am at the point of determining whether to include actual flowers now, and just wrap them in the shirt somehow, or to do something else comparable… I even considered getting white flowers, setting them in purple water, and letting them dye purple, and giving them with the shirt. But the whole point of the shirt was that it was roughly the same price as flowers would have been, so it really was instead of flowers…. So, i don’t know right now. I think I’ll go to bed and let myself be rested tomorrow morning to figure it all out.

Yes, I do that now, thank you. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

Naked Nights

I am not one for nudity for myself. I like having underwear and some sort of top, be it a shirt of bra. Otherwise, I don’t need pants or shorts, and the bra-shirt is easily an either-or situation. This is somewhat different from where I was as a child, as the bra part was important to me. However, since I was little, one of my favorite outfits for around the house was underwear, a top, and a sweatshirt, possibly also with socks, if it’s cold enough. I have no idea why, but I love this outfit. Nowadays, I love being in a bra, a sweatshirt, and sweat pants (with underwear, of course) when it is cold out – love it. However, I am not one for being entirely without. Yes, I have been working on it much in recent years, and I have reached a whole new level with comfort in my own naked body. No, I still don’t actually enjoy being naked.

And yet, here I am, having sat here for almost two hours at this point, cross-legged on the floor, post-shower, completely naked. And I’m okay. It hasn’t been anything like a spectacular night or anything, but I haven’t been uncomfortable either. There was one point early on, when my body did something, that I wanted to go to the bathroom and get dressed. But, as I was in the middle of something, I put it off briefly. Until I kind of forgot about it. I didn’t forget forget, but it wasn’t bugging me anymore, and I moved my attention elsewhere. Now, it’s been over two hours, I’m writing this whole thing (have paused bunches), and still haven’t gotten up to get dressed. Bizarre. But kind of cool, too.

😛

Post-a-day 2021

What a week

Ovulation is funny to me. The body takes roughly a week to send out scents to attract the best man to reproduce the most effectively. The brain jumps on board and does a mental calculation of every potentially available man it has ever met. It also sends out hormones and emotions that make the body feel really good and healthy and well, as well as the desire to stop off all clothes, be cuddled lovingly, and romp in the sack for hours on end, days on end. Life feels, somehow, entirely possible, and love feels imminent. And even a touch from a handsome man makes everything turn alight with flame. And sleeping is difficult, and dreams are annoying, and waking up is hard, both for the end of the dream to find oneself alone and for the battle the brain undergoes trying to wake up but trying to satisfy the body’s desires. And being around men is difficult, and being near-constantly and easily aroused feels absurd and annoying. It is a week in which one must be careful not to grow too weak in one’s resolve, as one’s mind seems to seek out any and all possibilities for, first, interacting with a man and, second, copulating with him. It is probably the week that most women reach out to men they like, even a little. It is likely the week with the most sex in a woman’s life. It is certainly the week made for sex in a woman’s life… It is a week of constantly having to chill the f*** down in the loins and head, and aim to remember who one really is, aside from a means of continuing the species. It is a week where loyalty seems irrelevant, and every man sounds like a great option; even several at once sounds, absurdly, entirely reasonable and desirable.

All of that is, simply, because we were made that way. Just a bit bizarre, I think…

What a week…

Post-a-day 2021