Kid Friends

(I imagine I have shared this here already, but it is on my mind yet again, and so I will share it again. ¬†ūüėõ )

Do you remember what it was like to make new friends as a little kid?  Perhaps it was different by generation, but, in my generation, it was really simple:
“You wanna be friends?!”
“Yeah, okay!”
And that was that – you’ve got a new friend, possibly even a¬†best friend. ¬†Nowadays, as an adult, I feel as though people think I’m totally nuts and unfortunately childish whenever I present a similar conversation… I’m starting to realize that I don’t really care. ¬†Sure, I want the new friend, but perhaps we aren’t meant to be friends if the person is put off by my question of wanting to be friends. ¬†You know what I mean? ¬†Because asking just like little kids ask is natural to me; it’s part of being true to myself. ¬†I’m not being purposely childish and avoiding being an adult when I ask – I’m genuinely excited at the prospect, and hoping that the person will be just as excited as I am at having a new friend.

I also mean it, too, about being actual friends. ¬†Not just Facebook friends or any of that nonsense – actual friends who talk with one another and do things together and enjoy and explore life together; friends who help one another become the best version of themselves. ¬†A friend is someone who helps you be the best person you can be. ¬†A priest actually said that once to a group of us, and I’ve always remembered it. ¬†And¬†that‘s the kind of friend I’m always looking for, asking for, and also wanting to be for others. ¬†My best friend and I are like that with one another, and it’s wonderful. ¬†However, we definitely don’t live near one another (try 4,811 miles apart, approximately), so it’s nice to have other people around, closer, who can be friends, too. ¬†ūüôā

I’m not so sure why people seem so uninterested in that kind of relationship with me, though. ¬†Perhaps I scare them… I am a bit much to take in under certain circumstances, especially when it comes to my saying openly things that people often are not straight about. ¬†(Not like I’m vulgar and offensive, because I really don’t promote cursing or vulgarity at all… but I answer honestly when someone asks how I’m doing, or what I think of the food, or even how an outfit looks on someone… it just isn’t worth it to me to lie. ¬†I don’t¬†want my friend to go out looking horrendous in some dress making her look fat and lumpy, do I? ¬†[No, I do not.] ¬†And I don’t have to be mean about saying it, but I do have to tell the truth. ¬†At least, I strive always to tell the truth, as well as to be appropriate with how I express it.) ¬†I don’t know… I guess the right people will show up in the right places at the right times. ¬†Maybe they’ll even ask me if¬†I want to be friends with¬†them, instead of the other way around.

Here’s to finding spectacular friends, y’all. ¬†ūüėÄ

Post-a-day 2018

Advertisements

What to do… slash I am a nutcase sometimes

I am having breakdown after breakdown with these graduate school essays. ¬†Is it that I really just don’t want to apply? ¬†I think not. ¬†Is it that I am scared of applying? ¬†Likely.

I am scared for various reasons.

I do not want to be rejected. ¬†I am good enough for this program. ¬†But I might not be a good match for it. ¬†So, if the school decides that I am not a good match, and rejects my application, what then? ¬†If the school accepts me, and I later find out that I am not a good match, and I end up hating the program, what then? ¬†What if I¬†am a good match for the program/school, but I end up just not liking the studies? ¬†And am I applying because it just feels like something safe to pursue? ¬†So many of my co-agers seem to have resorted to graduate school whenever something else for work has not panned out as hoped. ¬†Do I resist applying,¬†because I am worried that it will look like a sort of ‘I messed up and had no back-up plan, so I have to go to graduate school,’ kind of thing?

I like being prestigious. ¬†I enjoy being snobby. ¬†(Not like crazy, but to a certain degree, I mean.) ¬†I love the schools I have already attended, and I love being able to tell people that I attended them. ¬†They are special, well-known, highly acclaimed, and amazing quality schools. ¬†I feel like this one is nowhere near the same caliber, and holds very little respect in its name. ¬†The only way I would be comfortable attending it, would be if I had something amazing afterward, be it a spectacular PhD program or seemingly unreal work success. ¬†It is the kind of place where I would want to work, not attend school. ¬†Just like my teaching last semester, I want to be able to share about the school as someone who supports it as an outsider. ¬†Attending the school would feel in adequate for my own abilities, skills, and knowledge. ¬†I want a graduate degree, but I think I don’t want it from here.

However, is this fear coming forth, creating excuses for me?  I suppose the best plan of action would be to apply to the program, and then see what happens.  If they accept me, great.  Now I get to choose to attend or not.  If they reject me, great.  Now I get to choose what else to do with my talents and my time.  (I think I want to do the latter already.)

 

Okay. ¬†So, let’s finish this application, and let’s rock it!

 

P.S. ¬†And I¬†know that I want the degree so that I can further my career in teaching, expanding it to English, as well as creating the possibility of teaching at the college level. ¬†However, I think¬†that is precisely what has been holding gem back from seeing what is really there for me. ¬†That just makes so much sense. ¬†It is difficult to set aside things that make beautiful sense. ¬†If I take the step of this graduate program now, then I can begin teaching English quite soon. ¬†However, I love teaching high school. ¬†And I love doing other things, too. ¬†I am substitute teaching today. ¬†I love subbing regularly in a school, where I get to know the students just enough, but am not stuck to one subject area alone. Long-term subbing is kind of the best. ¬†Yes, it pays¬†way less than regular teaching. ¬†But I love it. ¬†I want to teach part-time. ¬†Period. ¬†Even when I consider my life post-Master-degree, I¬†still see myself teaching only part-time. ¬†I think what I fear the most is what I will do in order to sustain a part-time teaching lifestyle financially. ¬†Or, rather, how to figure out what to do. ¬†If I don’t manage that now, I will spend the next two and a half years freaking out about just that – if only in the background of my mind. ¬†I think I want to figure that out now. ¬†Now. ¬†ūüôā

Post-a-day 2018

When we are down

‘Why couldn’t you just let me be happy?’ ¬†I believe that is the question she asks her friend Betty, who has recently been incredibly harsh, before walking off, leaving Betty sitting speechless and alone on the steps (“Mona Lisa Smile”). ¬†At the time, Betty was in a marriage she had just begun – with incredibly high hopes and expectations – , but that was falling to extreme pieces. ¬†Her husband clearly did not love her, and was rather uninterested in her in general, but she didn’t know what to do. ¬†All she could do was continue her school work, and unintentionally let out her suppressed panic in the form of nastiness toward her friends.

As I thought more and more tonight about this little scenario that is within the film “Mona Lisa Smile”, I began to relate it directly to my own life. ¬†Betty couldn’t let her friend Connie be happy, because Betty was so miserable. ¬†How could she help herself against being bitter and angry that Connie’s love life was blooming, when her own – one she had until very recently believed to be perfect – was falling apart? ¬†It made perfect sense to me. ¬†And so I wondered where I have done that in my own life (or at least wanted to do it).

Talking with a friend the other night, she was sharing how much she had loved her Japan job. ¬†It made me want to be angry, because I was miserable in my job in Japan. ¬†What does one have to do with the other?! I found myself asking… myself. ¬†So what if she enjoyed her job? ¬†That’s a wonderful thing! ¬†And yet the desire persisted every so gently, to the point where I still have to let it go over and over again (though it is much easier than it was at first). ¬†This is the same as Betty Warren’s problem, really. ¬†I was unhappy, so it was almost¬†wrong of someone else to be happy in that comparable situation. ¬†(I’m not saying this as fact, of course, but as the feeling behind it all for myself.)

When I have been making not-very-much money in recent years, I grow annoyed at the former classmates who are buying their wonderful, large houses. ¬†Not having a significant other (or anything similar, beyond a (married) best friend across the ocean), I sometimes feel sick when I see yet another engagement announced on Facebook by people in my age group. ¬†And the list goes on for all sorts of things… wonderful pets, trips to beautiful or cool places, exercise…

While my initial responses were similar to pure anger and jealousy (as if their getting a house or getting married has any deprivation effects on my life), upon seeing or hearing about the various happy events in other people’s lives, they have developed to a calmed state of slight discomfort and longing instead. ¬†(It just felt wrong to be angry at such things, so I made a genuine effort to look at what was behind it all for me, and to manage a healthy response for myself, as well as for the people who are celebrating – I don’t want to be sending them angry vibes, ya know?) ¬†ūüėõ ¬†But that changes nothing from the Betty Warren within me – it still takes an effort to allow others to be happy in a situation in which I am not happy. ¬†Granted, my responses are much improved and I do¬†not shed bitterness and nasty comments the way she did. ¬†However, the discomfort still remains for the situations.

I don’t know what I wanted to say about this all – I think I just wanted to say that. ¬†That I can relate very easily to poor Betty Warren and her inability to let her friend be happy ¬†in an area of life where she, herself, was so unhappy (despite what likely was a genuine love for her friend and desire for her friend to¬†be happy in life). ¬†We do that in our own lives quite often, it feels. ¬†From the greatest to the smallest of things, when we are unhappy with a specific aspect of our own lives, we struggle to see others be happy in that same aspect of their lives. ¬†I don’t want to give out a solution to this behavior – I just want us to notice that we have it, really. ¬†Simply noticing it, bringing awareness to it, makes more of a difference than we could imagine, anyway. ¬†Betty seemed utterly shocked when Connie accused her with the question. ¬†To that point, even if she¬†had realized what she was doing, it is likely that she was unable to admit it to herself…

Yeah… I want to look even more into the smallest nooks and crannies of my life to see where else I have been in this rut-based hatred/anger in the past. ¬†I want to let all of that go. ¬†And I want to be free of it all for the future, and to be able to wish others well with ease, no matter my own current situation.

Post-a-day 2018

I am from…

Recently, in my cleaning out, I’ve come across loads of papers and files and folders and binders from almost all of my years of schooling. ¬†While, I’ve found things from that same school year (lots of them today, actually), I have yet to find the original¬†I am from poem that I wrote about myself in seventh grade. ¬†When I find it, I will share it, followed by the one I wrote about myself during college, as well as the two(three?) that my friends wrote about me from their own perspectives during, I believe, high school together.

For now, though, I share the one I wrote during college about myself.  If you do not know, an I am from poem is essentially a work where one inputs pieces of information related to certain topics.  For example, the format could be as follows:

[First Name]
I am from [three traits you like about yourself]
[three traits you want to improve about yourself]
lover of [two things you love]
believer in [two things in which you believe]
who fears [two things you fear]
who hopes for [two things for which you hope]
brother/sister to [list your siblings]
daughter/son to [list your parents’ names]
resident of [the street where you grew up living]
[your city and state]
[your country]
[Last Name]

The original one I did was longer than that, but the point was just to explain the general format, so I’ll leave it at that. ¬†The following, as mentioned already, is the version I wrote in college, which was following a rather free format that did not have distinct criteria other than being about ourselves (so far as I currently remember, anyway).

……………………………

4 Sept 2011 ED351

Hannah
I am from gentle, caring, lovable, wonderful
I am from sisterhood and subtle observations
from Music and Dance and Poetry
I am from contentedness with what one is given, blissfulness when around music, and the desire to do good
I am from hugs, laughs, and love, and recycling it all back
I am from giving harmony to life, consideration to call, and cheerfulness to one’s surroundings
I am from confidence: one so strong I fear only a loss of things or people whom I love and with whom I share my life
I am from Grace, in name and in action
I am from “How do you say ‘How do you say?'” in as many languages as possible
I am from connectedness and communication: be honest, be clear, be concise, lift up others with what you say, and mean it every time
I am from clarity: now inhale deeply and be with what is and what isn’t – identify the story and render it powerless in what happened
I am from when you’re on it, get off it; when you’re incomplete, get complete with yourself and with all those involved; and when you’re being inauthentic, be authentic about your being inauthentic
I am from live in the moment and remember what’s possible
AND
I am from the long time sun, may it always shine upon you
I am from love, may it always surround you
I am from Woman, the greatest power, and from the one pure light within us
I am from a world to be treated with care
I am from mother: Earth and the human
I am from understanding, consciousness, choices, and freedom of self-expression
I am from mother, all-encompassing, all-loving, and ever-present
I am from God, the World, and the stars
I am from Mother

…………………………..

Post-a-day 2018

Must…drink…water

My head aches and aches and aches. ¬†All I did was have a wonderful day and drink less than three liters of water. ¬†How is it normal for someone to have such a result? ¬†I guess my body in just in synch with the weirdness of my mind and personality. ¬†Gotta be crazy all over, not just in one area of life. ¬†Oh, no. ¬†ūüėõ

Though, oddly enough, I drank very little water today, even though I was surrounded by it with all the rain we’ve had today and tonight. ¬†I was even out in it for a while earlier today. ¬†Crazy.

How much water do You drink on average in a day?  I average a minimum of three liters, and have done up to five on desperate days back in Japan.

Post-a-day 2018

Monotony on the brain

As I flossed my teeth tonight, the idea hit me at one of the monotonous, repetitive things in life that, in a certain sense, just don’t make sense. ¬†I occasionally have this happen with eating – actually, it’s rather often in recent months. ¬†It suddenly occurs to me that, even after eating to satisfaction, at most, it will be only a few hours before we have to eat again. ¬†It is this never-ending chain of requirement called food. ¬†If we didn’t have to do that, imagine the time and mental energy (and physical energy) we could put to other things. ¬†How much energy goes into managing eating in a single day? ¬†In life as a whole? ¬†How wasteful that is with our time… ¬†Plus, it all just comes right back out of us anyway, and we’re burning energy to digest it all. ¬†There’s got to be a better way to handle this need that we have for energy and nutrition…

And, of course, I simultaneously wonder if I’m just bat-sh** crazy and need brain shock therapy to rearrange the nonsense connections in my brain (and then wonder, yet again, if I’m crazy even more, since I just suggested shock therapy). ¬†Eventually, I find myself having a delightful meal, and cannot fully comprehend how I was genuinely considering a lifestyle without food – as if it were possible right now, anyway – only days or moments before the current meal.

I think the real link is how stressed I can get about figuring out what to eat. ¬†Because it really is that: figuring out. ¬†There is no easy, obvious answer to the average¬†What’s for lunch? question. ¬†And, especially with my current setup, where I have almost zero fridge and kitchen usage, the question is even more difficult to answer. ¬†I can’t even plan ahead, really, because I can’t store almost any food of any kind, room temperature or cold. ¬†And I can’t really cook much either, because of the limited use situation. ¬†So, I hit this phase of meal distaste often these days. ¬†This is not to say that I didn’t hit it often in the past, because I totally did. ¬†But that was mostly because I would be exhausted by the time I got home at the end of the day (or late at night), and didn’t feel like cooking anything. ¬†Not because I had no options. ¬†I had loads of options there. ¬†But anyway…

So, tonight, flossing hit me the same way. ¬†Why bother flossing, when food will just be right back at the very next meal? ¬†And if we’re flossing now, why do we not floss after everything we eat? ¬†(And then I remember how I regularly floss throughout the day, whenever I become aware of anything stuck or sticking in my teeth.) ¬†And it’s not like monkeys floss, and they get along just fine with their teeth. ¬†(Yes, I know¬†they don’t have the¬†crap diets we have, but I wish we could be more like them in both of those senses – not having to¬†floss and not having crap diets that require us to brush and floss constantly.) ¬†And so went the thoughts for a few seconds, before I required myself to get off the topic. ¬†I knew it could turn disastrous if I didn’t stop asap. ¬†(I’ve had some extreme bouts of stress and depression combined, when it comes to the whole food conversation I mentioned briefly here.)

So, yeah… that’s that topic.

Post-a-day 2018

::Sigh…

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn‚Äôt just be better to get a high-paying job in an office, and start saving up.¬† Then, after a couple or few years, start the process for adoption.¬† The only work so far that I have loved doing, without almost any question ever, is doing things with other people‚Äôs kids (nannying).¬† Maybe having a somewhat terrible corporate job in suits is worth it for having a kid…

I just don’t see myself happy each morning and each bedtime in a job like that, and that means bad sleep each night and a tough start to the day each morning.

I don‚Äôt know… sometimes I get depressive, and then desperate, and start calculating what ‚Äėmakes sense‚Äô for life, as opposed to ‚Äėlistening to my heart‚Äô.¬† Come to think of it, I‚Äôm not sure I‚Äôve even asked my heart what I/it want/wants to do with my life and time…

Now is as good a time as ever, I suppose.¬† ūüôā

 

P.S. ¬†I’ve noticed that, whenever I get upset in the depressed,¬†my life is going nowhere experience, I have an almost panicked desire to move to Europe, and it is most often France. ¬†It’s not like I have any idea whatsoever what I would do there, or how that would solve any of my current issues. ¬†Plus, it would¬†create the issue of being away from almost¬†everyone I know and love and who loves me, since most of them are in the US. ¬†However, there’s just this feeling that arises that living in Europe somehow would just make everything okay, and in a good way (not just tolerable okay, but good okay). ¬†Anyway, just something I noticed tonight.

Post-a-day 2018