Mother-Daughter

“Do you see me ever having kids?”

Mom considers for a few moments, then answers in all honesty, “Yeah,” nodding her head, which is tilted to one side, an after-effect of consideration.

“…I mean,” I whoosh my hands downward together, going from just in front of my chest to around the tops of my lazily outstretched legs, “… having kids.”

We both smile at this as I say, “Which is different from just having kids…”

I have discussed the idea of adoption much, and my mom has participated in some of these conversations, so she knows what I mean, and why I clarified.

We share a few moments of silent chuckling before she renews her, “Yeah,” and then we smile and chuckle silently some more.

We are at my friend’s baby shower.

There have been various games and activities throughout the evening, and she and I are sitting at a table over to the side, mostly away from the current conversation and action of the party.

She is filling in one side of the paper, on which was sentence starters regarding wishes and thoughts we want to share with the baby-to-be.

I have been casually adding to the other side on the paper, on which we had done a baby name game in which we took only letters from the first names of the mother and father, and had to come up with as many names as possible.

Some of mine were just words, but I wrote them anyway, as it helped the brainstorming process along, as well as added a funny aspect to the game.

(Examples of words: Barista, Tank, Narita, Kirin, Stink, Bad)

Though we weren’t in the current action of the party, we were enjoying ourselves, and also enjoying that we got to do it together.

When the gift-opening began, we stood by where we had been sitting, so we could see over people’s heads to the gifts and my friend and her husband, but without actually having to go sit in the mix with everyone else.

Neither one of us discussed this, of course – we each just did it naturally.

I think that part of it is a matter of our being able to comment freely on things, without having to worry about offending anyone, on the likely chance that we find something silly or tacky, or that we are reminded of something absurd.

Even if we each were alone at such a party, we likely still would end up in a similar location relative to the crowd and gift-opening area.

A bit later, just as I was stepping away to go floss-brush-floss to put my aligners back in, I commented quietly to my mom, “I love how, even though no one is here to hear is, we always have a running commentary going on over here.”

Before I’d even said the word ‘commentary’, we were both already laughing silently, but heartily, and she was nodding her head almost vigorously.

But it’s true – we always have a running commentary on things.

No, we don’t say it aloud when it could offend, and no, it isn’t always bad commentary – not at all.

It is merely commentary.

Usually, though, it is commentary that sends us both into fits of giggles at least a handful of times in an evening.

Until last night, I hadn’t realized that my mom and I shared this trait.

Yes, we share many things, and we have many similarities, but I had never noticed this one until last night.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that we had enough to say that we knew at least half the room would not find funny, and so dropped to more of a whisper on several comments, bringing attention for me to the fact that we were doing it in the first place.

And mind you, we don’t have nasty comments we’re exchanging – they just aren’t always event-appropriate.

For example, some people were discussing Disney Princesses and how they have advanced in diversifying the princesses, and how they might advance next.

My friend who is pregnant loves Disney, and had commented about dressing up as a Disney Princess before.

My mom and I exchanged the idea of, ‘Guess she can’t do that right now,’ and chuckled.

‘Yeah, teen pregnancy princess just doesn’t sound right..,’ and our silent chuckles increase, tears now considering making appearances in our eyes…

And then, upon further consideration, we add, ‘Unless Disney wants to take a big step in furthering its diversity, and somehow have a young, super-huge-pregnant Princess…., do a Juno plus Disney Princess… but I don’t think they’re ready for that one yet…’

‘Not for a while…’

Yes, the ideas are absurd.

No, we are not mean-spirited with them at all.

And, since people don’t necessarily know that we are merely brainstorming and thinking of different things, and then simply sharing about them with one another, they could become quickly offended, thinking we are trying to be rude or nasty in some way.

We love Disney and Disney Princesses.

We also know lots about the ideas to progress the diversity of them, and the struggles Disney has had with complaints regarding them.

We support the movement of diversifying the Princesses, but we also love the original Princesses, too, and understand and accept the reasoning behind them all.

We also find humor in just about anything – not in a bad way, but in a genuine way… we do not demean through the humor we find, but typically find increased fondness of the topic after finding that extra tidbit of humor in it.

Anyway, I’ll not bother with the explanations anymore – I notice that I’m worried someone will be offended – I already know that my thoughts offend people, and that’s a big part of why I tend not to share them with most people.

Perhaps that’s how we discover truly the people who love us: by sharing our thoughts with them, and their still showing up in life, without judging us harshly and leaving us out to dry, so to speak.

I’ve said for years and years that judging is natural for us – it is only human.

The difference comes in when we recognize that it is only a judgment, and not necessarily the truth.

At that point, we can choose freely whether to accept the automatic judgement we have made, or whether to set it aside and be open to discovering who and what a person truly is.

When people tell me, “Don’t judge me,” just before they do or say something seemingly silly or stupid or absurd, I often let them know something akin to,

‘I’m definitely going to judge you – I can’t not – but I won’t hold it against you in any way.’

Yeah….

Anyway, I’m off to bed.

I slept half the day today… my mom woke me by knocking on my door at 9am (I’d gone to bed by 11:30pm at the latest), I was tired most of the morning and midday, and then I passed out on the sofa around 3pm, only to wake up to eat some peaches a while later, and then fall right back asleep until around 6pm… and I’m still exhausted right now, struggling to get through this.

I guess my early morning workouts are taking more out of me than I thought, and sleep really is somewhat like a gasoline tank or rechargeable battery, able to be replenished at any time down the road, but demanding refueling after so many days of running on low-power mode… if that makes sense…

Anyway, goodnight, World… hasta mañana.

Post-a-day 2019

::Sigh…

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to get a high-paying job in an office, and start saving up.  Then, after a couple or few years, start the process for adoption.  The only work so far that I have loved doing, without almost any question ever, is doing things with other people’s kids (nannying).  Maybe having a somewhat terrible corporate job in suits is worth it for having a kid…

I just don’t see myself happy each morning and each bedtime in a job like that, and that means bad sleep each night and a tough start to the day each morning.

I don’t know… sometimes I get depressive, and then desperate, and start calculating what ‘makes sense’ for life, as opposed to ‘listening to my heart’.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve even asked my heart what I/it want/wants to do with my life and time…

Now is as good a time as ever, I suppose.  🙂

 

P.S.  I’ve noticed that, whenever I get upset in the depressed, my life is going nowhere experience, I have an almost panicked desire to move to Europe, and it is most often France.  It’s not like I have any idea whatsoever what I would do there, or how that would solve any of my current issues.  Plus, it would create the issue of being away from almost everyone I know and love and who loves me, since most of them are in the US.  However, there’s just this feeling that arises that living in Europe somehow would just make everything okay, and in a good way (not just tolerable okay, but good okay).  Anyway, just something I noticed tonight.

Post-a-day 2018

Life Goals…?

If you know me personally, don’t freak out, okay?

Now, I have this strange feeling that I have a somewhat unreasonable but real desire powering me into this next year of my life.  It’s not as though I am actively thinking, “This is why I am doing this,” or whatever.  It’s more like a secret desire and hope that is hanging out in the background of my mind and life, ever so slightly prodding me to be successful in all of my endeavors.

I am planning out my move back to the US this late summer, and I am emphasizing doing what I love to do, things that bring me true joy and fulfillment, and which easily bring forth the full efforts of my heart.  My time here in Japan has shown me that I do, in fact, love teaching, but that there is much more that I want to have be part of my daily and weekly life.  (And that I want to eat loads of fruit all the time.)  I also still hold that I want to make a comfortable amount of money, to where I can still always buy lunch for my friends, get an extra gelato at midnight, and go on random trips every month-ish.  So, I have this really neat and flexible plan for moving back to the States and getting myself in line with all of those things.

The biggest thing that has come up for me in all of this “life searching”, so to call it, though, is my love of children, and finally acknowledging that I want a child of my own, in my own home.  With this, of course, also came the acceptance of the idea that I want to adopt a child, and not birth one myself. (Though I’ve never liked the idea of giving birth, it’s certainly not the reason for wanting to adopt, – there’s a whole background to the adoption idea for me – but skipping the pains of birth is a great perquisite to adoption.)

And so, with all of that in mind, I find myself somehow secretly excited about finding a comfortable routine and financial balance in my next year.  Even though I know it might not even happen, the idea of being at a place where I could consider adopting, is… , well…, empowering.  It excites me about my next set of endeavors, and in a way I have never been excited about things.  This one, in a way, is somewhat selfless.  Yes, I want the child to be in my life and all.  But the whole goal is to give love and everything wonderful to another.  So, in a way, it’s like everything I do is for that someone else now.  Even if that someone else never ends up coming along for me, it’s an aim, a possibility, that empowers me to be and do the best I can.

I’m not so sure that I did a very good job of expressing all of this, and I know I’ve left loads of it out of the above text, but I just wanted to share it, at least in some degree, with the world.  I want a kid.  And I want to do what I can to create my beautiful dream life now, so that that kid can join me, and (semi-) soon.  🙂
Post-a-day 2017

Moms as the best

You know how moms can sometimes be just the best thing ever?  Yeah, my mom is that a lot of the time.  For me, anyway.  (Naturally.  Haha.)  But it makes me wonder about the people who don’t get to experience their moms at all.  How do they survive? I ask myself.  Without that amazing, extraordinary powerhouse of a woman, how do they ever learn the best parts of life?  I suppose they find other women to fill various parts of the role, but certain bits are inevitably left unfulfilled.

Which brings me to my next point: I think I want to be a mom like crazy.  But that I want to adopt children.

First off, I am no fan whatsoever of birthing.  I laud anyone who does it and who is willing to do it – I could barely manage my first gynecology appointment without throwing up; birth does not seem reasonable for my future from that fact alone.  Add to it that I feel it to be, for myself anyway, irresponsible to bring more people into a painfully overpopulated society (read “world”), and the part where I may never have a partner to make the kids with me in the first place, and we’re getting closer and closer to the 0% marker.

However, despite the troubles they bring with them, I want to have kids.  At least one, anyway.  Sure, I’m terrified of totally messing up him or her.  But, I do have confidence in God and the world to help us out wonderfully.  So, this leads me to adoption.  I’m not sure how I would want to go about it exactly, but I think it has to start with volunteering at children’s homes (read “orphanages”).  Eventually, at some point in time, I’ll just know.  You know?

I said recently that I would like to have a child in about five years.  I think I do mean that.  And, no, I do not take this lightly – not in the least.  Remember, I’m not filling out the paperwork just yet.  I’m merely considering my feelings in terms of possible concrete results.  We’ll see what actually happens in another five years.

But I know how the right now I would like things to look, and they include a financially balanced me and a beautiful young child.  🙂

 

Post-a-day 2017