If you know me personally, don’t freak out, okay?
Now, I have this strange feeling that I have a somewhat unreasonable but real desire powering me into this next year of my life. It’s not as though I am actively thinking, “This is why I am doing this,” or whatever. It’s more like a secret desire and hope that is hanging out in the background of my mind and life, ever so slightly prodding me to be successful in all of my endeavors.
I am planning out my move back to the US this late summer, and I am emphasizing doing what I love to do, things that bring me true joy and fulfillment, and which easily bring forth the full efforts of my heart. My time here in Japan has shown me that I do, in fact, love teaching, but that there is much more that I want to have be part of my daily and weekly life. (And that I want to eat loads of fruit all the time.) I also still hold that I want to make a comfortable amount of money, to where I can still always buy lunch for my friends, get an extra gelato at midnight, and go on random trips every month-ish. So, I have this really neat and flexible plan for moving back to the States and getting myself in line with all of those things.
The biggest thing that has come up for me in all of this “life searching”, so to call it, though, is my love of children, and finally acknowledging that I want a child of my own, in my own home. With this, of course, also came the acceptance of the idea that I want to adopt a child, and not birth one myself. (Though I’ve never liked the idea of giving birth, it’s certainly not the reason for wanting to adopt, – there’s a whole background to the adoption idea for me – but skipping the pains of birth is a great perquisite to adoption.)
And so, with all of that in mind, I find myself somehow secretly excited about finding a comfortable routine and financial balance in my next year. Even though I know it might not even happen, the idea of being at a place where I could consider adopting, is… , well…, empowering. It excites me about my next set of endeavors, and in a way I have never been excited about things. This one, in a way, is somewhat selfless. Yes, I want the child to be in my life and all. But the whole goal is to give love and everything wonderful to another. So, in a way, it’s like everything I do is for that someone else now. Even if that someone else never ends up coming along for me, it’s an aim, a possibility, that empowers me to be and do the best I can.
I’m not so sure that I did a very good job of expressing all of this, and I know I’ve left loads of it out of the above text, but I just wanted to share it, at least in some degree, with the world. I want a kid. And I want to do what I can to create my beautiful dream life now, so that that kid can join me, and (semi-) soon. 🙂