Do I belong here?

I sometimes forget that I belong with my family.

I aim to find other people in my life, to surround myself with people who get me and love me just about no matter what…, and I always seem to be failing at it, at least in terms of life in the daily.

And then I spend some time with my close family, and it is only upon consideration afterward that I notice how I have experienced entirely “belonging” and “being loved”.

This family is good for me, and they are the ideal that many people dream of finding in their own families… and I have them in my own family.

Friends all seem to pale in comparison, because my family is already everything I’ve been looking for in friends – the bar and standard are too high for new people to reach.

And, perhaps, one day, someone will meet or surpass that bar…, but only a few have so far, and they don’t live even in the state, so it hardly affects my day-to-day.

For now, though, I still have my family, and they still have me, and we all can love and spend time with one another, as we still seem to do, even though we are in our adult lives and have little ease in arranging simultaneous visits to the same spot.

But we do it, and the time together is always great…, just like this week, and how I was supposed to go back home Thursday afternoon…, but am currently, as of tonight, actually scheduled to leave tomorrow, Saturday, morning around 9am.

What a time, heh? ūüėõ

Post-a-day 2019

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Smells of me

It’s funny to me, the things that make me feel so comfortable, so at ease, that it feels like everything is okay and is going to be okay. ¬†Tonight, not for the first time since I have returned to living in Houston, someone told me, “You still smell the same,” and followed up my question about it with, “You still smell like you.” ¬†And this is a comment I’ve had from lots of people over the years. ¬†I have a very distinct smell. ¬†It’s mostly just my deodorant and essential oils and oil blends that I use for various things in my life, but there is something special-feeling about the fact that people associate those smells with me. ¬†It is as though one of my favorite parts of me and my life is something that people not only notice, but usually really like. ¬†And, most of all, they remember it. ¬†That to me is special, and I¬†so love having it happen, it makes me feel whole and complete in the present moment… even though I have no idea what is next for me in life, and even though I’m not too glad or proud of where things stand for me in my life in this moment, people still remember and love me.

Post-a-day 2018

A letter from my past self

The following is the transcription of a letter I found this week. ¬†(Yes, it was in one of the boxes of papers and folders and such.) ¬†I wish I had found it months ago, when I’d first returned from Japan. ¬†However, it still did me loads of good when I read it the other day. ¬†While I missed out on some bits it mentions, I actually did a really good job of fulfilling most of the tasks prescribed in it… a version of them, anyway.

Anyway, it is a letter I wrote to myself when I was still on my college campus, about to leave to study abroad in Germany and Austria. ¬†As per standards of our school’s study abroad program, we all had to write our future selves a letter, which would be mailed to us upon our return from our study abroad programs. ¬†I fully acknowledge that mine is full of grammatical errors, but that was part of why I was going abroad anyway – to improve my language skills. ¬†Also, the whole letter is written in cursive, because I do that. ¬†The third sentence actually caused me to tear up, and the fourth had me crying. ¬†It’s amazing how right I was, and I really didn’t know that I ever would be in the current situation in which I find myself.

……………………

10. April 2012
Dienstag

Hannah Leigh, chèrie,

Ich weiss nicht, was muss ich dir sagen. ¬†Ich kenne dich nicht, weil du so viel gechanged hast. ¬†Welcome home – may it still feel that way to you. ¬†You are forever welcome here, so remember that – you might need it some day. ¬†Okay, here’s what I want you to do:

1) Go record it.  Get on your computer, write up any questions
you would love for others to ask, & then record yourself
answering them.  Then you can do what you want with
it all, but you will have that satisfaction, that completeness,
wholeness of having shared what you needed, desired, wanted
to share.

2) Talk to people.  Make a quick list of what specifically you already
have wanted to share with whom.  Call each person & set up when
& where you will share what you have to share.  Share with them.

3) Talk to Opa.  No matter where he is, go visit him & talk with
him completely in German.

4) Find someone local with whom you can be open, close, & frank, & speak
only German (or completely German) together with ease.

5) Remember that it’s all right not to “know” who you are. ¬†Knowing
makes no difference, anyway, so no good reason to bother with it.
Look yourself in the mirror & see all that has passed, & be open to
all that will come.

6) You are woman & you create the universe with your being.  Your
power is endless, & it is selfless love that feels it.  Love your
mother & your Mother.  Love your self wholly, & your next
step will become available and visible to you.

7) Be at peace.  Even if it was &/or is hard, it is all relative.
Take it for the beneficial experience that it is, & enjoy every
bit you have gotten & will get from it all.

8) Now & every time you see that it just might possibly help,
take a deep breath & close your eyes, letting your thoughts
run around & then calm naturally as you breathe deeply.

I love you & I wish you all the best.  I am here with you always, though I will now be transformed from the time I wrote this letter.  My understanding & my love have only increased & expanded, I promise.  You are wonderful.  You are beautiful.  You are mine.

I love you.  Love me, too.
‚̧ Peace ¬† ¬† ¬† Hannah Leigh

 

P.S. Pretend I pressed a flower in here to give you a wholesome smile & kiss. ¬†ūüôā oxox

…………………………………………………..

Post-a-day 2018

A foreigner at home?

Have you ever felt out of place within your own culture? ¬†As time passes, it happens to me more and more often. ¬†Last night, I attended an event with coworkers. ¬†The noise volume took me by slight surprise when I first arrived. ¬†How can people be this loud? I thought. ¬†And then I remembered almost before I finished asking the question: They’re americans (from the USA).

But I’m american from the US, too. ¬†Wouldn’t I be used to this, then?

I quickly compared it to a drinking party at an¬†izakaya (like a bar) with¬†nomihodai (all-you-can-drink) in Japan. ¬†Yes, the Japanese can get quite loud there. ¬†It was never to the point of wanting to cover my ears, though, I hear myself thinking. ¬†So, I am very much accustomed to a much quieter environment for parties, then. ¬†I’m not just being a bit dramatic and overly sensitive to normal behavior and a normal situation.

Even still… I felt so oddly out of place, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with myself. ¬†I ended up semi-hiding in the coatroom (it wasn’t a closet, but an actual room, I promise) to take a breather from all the people and the noise from time to time. ¬†I also took extra-long any time I went to the bathroom, because it was cozy and quiet in there on my own. Yes, I could have just gone home. ¬†However, I rarely spend time even¬†around people who aren’t high schoolers right now, so I felt it was somewhat necessary – even if just for social practice – to spend time around adults, especially happy ones in a good, safe environment.

I definitely adjusted after a bit, but I still felt quite out of place for most of the event. ¬†I guess I’m just not so USA american anymore… which doesn’t surprise me, really. ¬†It’s just odd, not belonging in a place everyone calls my “home”.

Post-a-day 2017

Oh, to be a lion…

I love “The Lion King”. ¬†And I mean this not as the average, casual use of the word love. ¬†I mean it in a deep down, somewhere inside of me is¬†pulled by it kind of love. ¬†Toward my core, that is why my love for “The Lion King” resides. ¬†And it draws me.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be part of that circle of life, as presented in “The Lion King”. ¬†Certainly, I want to be a living part of it, but I want to be over there, actually¬†in it, as opposed to over here, living in the regular world full of buildings and suits and such. ¬†I want to live with the lions in Africa. ¬†I want to be one of them, an honorary member, so to speak. ¬†Sure, our diets don’t exactly line up with one another, but that would be part of the beautiful balance of it all. ¬†I would love them, they would love me, and no one would be stealing anyone else’s food. ¬†Perfect.

Anyway, I realize how silly or odd this might sound. ¬†I get it. ¬†That in no way changes the desire I have to be part of whatever that magical world is that is presented in “The Lion King”, both the film and the stage musical. ¬†Perhaps it is that beautiful balance of power and majesty, combined with belonging, love, purpose, and community. ¬†Whatever the case, I have daydreamt of being with the lions for decades, and am still working on how to make something like that happen.

Roar.

Post-a-day 2017

Coincidental Acquaintances filling the Heart

I almost missed my trains home tonight, because I didn’t want to leave the people with whom I was.  I had only just met the majority of them tonight, and only passively, but I loved being with them.  You know the people who just seem to fill your heart, and make you wish for nothing but, perhaps, more time with them, for you are fully content in their presence?  That was my experience tonight.

I met these people at the dance event/social just a few hours ago, and only barely had the chance to talk with them during the social.  And yet, here I am, genuinely concerned (well, I was for a bit, anyway) that I might not make it home tonight, for I couldn’t seem to draw myself away from their presence as we stood outside the train station, just talking.  Well, we weren’t just talking, of course, but talking and laughing and joking and expressing joy and love with one another.  And that’s exactly the point, exactly the reason I felt myself magnetized to the little group of people who, except for the one couple, had only just met one another tonight.

It was beautiful, and has not left me wanting.  For now, for tonight, I am whole and complete, and utterly content, for I belonged with an ease I felt like I had forgotten, I was loved without hesitation, and my love was fully accepted.  ūüôā

‚̧ people who love
Post-a-day 2017