Memories in alcohol

Walking through an absurdly large and diverse (product-wise) Kroger today, I was struck with a sudden and momentary shift back to Japan, as I passed one of the drink aisles….

There was something about its seeming chaotic orderliness, and its crowded feel that took me back to the alcohol aisles in the store near my house in Japan, and, at first, of this one particular store near the train station in a nearby town where I went to help with English stuff…

And the memory was really nice… it was a very good feeling of transportation, and I felt very much at ease, belonging, and comfortable…

Weird to see Japan as such things, but I also totally get it – it is part of me, and certain points of life were stable there that are not stable for me here and now, thus the feeling of stability and comfort from the memory, despite the fact that Japan as a whole was kind of nuts and really hard on me… 🙂

The aisle…

It is definitely more spaced out in the middle than Japan’s comparable aisle, but the setup and feelings were quite the same for me… who’d’a thunk alcohol could be so warm and fuzzy for me? 😂

Post-a-day 2019

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Grandparenting

We’re staying at my aunt and uncle’s house tonight (though they are out of town), and I found myself noticing how baby-oriented everything here seems to be now.

No daughters living in their individual rooms, no young nieces and nephews and adult siblings and parents coming to visit all the time anymore… just their daughters visiting occasionally with their babies and tiny children.

And then I realized that a lot of their traveling is either to visit the out-of-town grandchildren or to go on vacation with the daughters and grandchildren.

And so, essentially, their lives focus greatly around their grandchildren (they’re retired, you see…. my aunt and uncle…, so they don’t do other work.)… they do house edits on their various (three) houses, and rotate between them all reasonably regularly, and then they vacation (aka grandchildren).

How interesting that must be.

How wonderful that must be… to be able to focus as much time and effort as you want on the grandchildren, and to help your children with them all you want…

Perhaps that is one of the goals people have in life – live well enough and work well enough to be free and available for your children and their children, once the grandchildren come around.

And they do it while living quite well, too… not bad at all…

Yes… perhaps this can be a sort of goal for me, too… work hard, so the kids can have everything beneficial and lovely in their lives, and so they end up pursuing the same for their children, and then be super active and available in the lives of their children while they do the hard work like you did…

It somehow seems unbalanced or unfair or, at least, like it could be done way better… but I haven’t a better solution at the moment, so I’ll keep it in mind and think on it a while in the coming day and weeks and, possibly, years…

Hmm…

Post-a-day 2019

One step at a time

Today, I reached my ideal goal of 14,000 steps in a day…

… doing things I love doing…

… leading the life I want to lead…

… living life how I dream of living it…

What a day. (!!!)

Now, to make more and more of these, so that their frequency becomes daily.

I know I can do it, and, based on how today felt and went – natural, easy, comfortable taking care of myself when needed yet welcomed in serving others with talents that dwell within me – I can feel already how this life is fast approaching and will be here.

The question is merely a matter of just how long its journey takes.

ASAP, for sure, because I’m just about ready for these daily 14,000-step days! 😛

Post-a-day 2018

Wishes

What do I really wish?

Not just for all of this to be fixed and for things to be clean and perfect and fresh, and for everything in my life to smell good or odorless… as much as a large part of me desires that, something deeper within me wants something more…

This part of me wants to be free of that extreme-desire-slash-necessity altogether… sure, I want things to be clean and perfect and sanitary and beautifully scented (or scent-free)…, but I want that to be just a want, not a near-incapacitating desire.

I want to be free of that need for everything to be so clean.

I wish to be myself, not this brain-trapped version of me.

That’s what I really wish.

Post-a-day

Film ties

Sometimes, I see films that have a person as the main focus who struggles with certain situations, specifically socially.  (Current society likely would call them people with autism or asberger’s, or something of that sort.)  When I see these films, follow these people’s lives, I find it all too easy to fall into a similar pattern in my own life immediately after the film.  I think to myself, ‘But I am not like this.’  And yet the feeling is that the behavior is rather easy for me, as though I am at home in the behavior, in the odd habits.  I go back and forth between seeing how I am so comfortably ‘normal’ in the world and how I have intense emotions and ties within myself when I deal with certain OCD-related situations…, meaning I go back and forth between feeling like I am a ‘normal’, sane person and a crazy person.

And I always just end up being unconvinced of either one.

I’m a little bit of both, it seems.  And I think I’m okay with that.  I’m not sure that I like how it is – the OCD stuff can be utterly ridiculous even to me, and those situations are the worst, because they not only are intense feelings of needing to do something specific, but also the anger and frustration and embarrassment that I even have that feeling of need.  I think I might prefer having little “quirks”, instead… kind of like how most people likely think about my OCD stuff already, if they even notice any of it.  Yeah…, because currently, whenever I’m in a low rut, like tonight, after this film, if I think about the future, the feelings worsen.  I struggle to imagine ever finding a partner in life who possibly could accept, let alone embrace certain things that I do, certain things that currently feel as though I cannot not do.  But something in me has faith and trust, and drags me out of that rut… I will be okay.  I will be wonderful.  And I have no idea if this stuff will stay with me forever or not.  But, if they do, then I have many a plan for how to organize my life to minimize the struggle situations.

Post-a-day 2018

Signal-free

I opened my laptop to use it today, and found it with the battery at zero power.  I considered briefly grabbing the charger, and then chose against it – I didn’t need to use the computer that badly.  And so, I closed the computer and put it back into its case to put it away.  As I slid it back onto its spot on the desk, I was suddenly reminded of Ed Sheeran, and felt a little bit like he is.

You see, I recently saw a Carpool Karaoke of  James Corden’s with Ed Sheeran.  In it, Ed Sheeran informs James Corden that he is still in the phase of not using a phone – the way to reach him is by e-mail, which he checks every so often on a computer.  Ed Sheeran actually said that he had a phone for about two weeks, I believe it was, but then the battery died, and he didn’t ever charge it again.  There were so many demands tied into having a cell phone, he decided to live life without it.  (It seems that Sir Elton John has no cell phone either, and it doesn’t matter much, because he can always use the phone of a nearby security person or the likes.)  While I listened to him talking about not having a phone, how it is just like living was for our parents before we were born (and even when we were still little), I was nodding along happily, feeling the thought of, ‘That is probably Really nice.’  It had me even consider if I could manage such a thing.  (I then remembered how I actually did that for about a month and a half just a few years ago, simply due to phone replacement issues.  It really was rather easy on my end, and I enjoyed it.  My mom totally hated it, though, despite the fact that we didn’t even live together.). I respected and even envied him a bit, but I was filled with a happy contentment of how that kind of lifestyle could be so blissful, in a sense.

And now, tonight, I felt just that tiny bit of connection to Ed Sheeran, as I found my computer battery dead, and chose not to charge it again, knowing that I would have used it for way long, if I had plugged in the charger and used the computer.  I know that this was just one time, one day, but it reminded me of what could be possible for me in the (possibly near) future.  It was really nice.  A little bit silly, too, but that just makes it even better. 😛

Post-a-day 2018