This was what I determined yesterday, as someone failed in supporting me as had been promised.
It made all the difference today. School started and went well. Sure, one class was boring and slightly annoying, but it still went okay. Plus, the other class I had seems like it could be awesome. More tomorrow.
I cried at least three times at work today, because of work. Talk about being overwhelmed, and you’re talking about me today. But I managed to let it out as it came up, and then get down to business again and again throughout the day. I spoke a couple times with the teacher for whom I am teaching the first quarter – she’s on maternity leave – and what she had to share with me helped immensely with my stress. I now know somewhat decently what specifically is expected of me regarding content and presentation for class, and I have my next steps clearly in place for tomorrow (and the future classes as a whole). There is much for me to learn regarding the subject matter – Sacred Scripture and Catholicism – and I want to learn it all. But it will take time. And I have a clear plan as to how to do that now. Phew.
I want to do a good job here, as with everything I do. That’s why I’m stressed – because I care so much. But I definitely sat under the desk and cried hard at one point near midday today. So, today was a lot in a lot of ways. I wonder if tomorrow will be quite so emotional…
Dear God, grant me the grace and perseverance to do the amazing job I know you have called me to do here. Help me to fulfill your will fully and wholeheartedly. And help me to see clearly where you want me and need me to go. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Well, we really got some stuff started at school today. I have a computer and can log in to it, and now can log in to all the online things I need to access and use. Still some links on details with some of those, but getting into them in the first place was a big step forward today! I also was given access to a boatload of (organized) files to show me what to do for classes and all – super duper helpful. And I have keys for school and the classroom I’ll be using. Woohoo! (No joke, an HR person seemed very much against the idea of my having keys for anything… you’ll trust me to teach and spend loads of time with the kids, but not to have a key to the classroom or building? Odd to me, anyway! But it worked out in the end! I have zee keys!) Also, I had a good time with the silly human Scrabble ice breaker this morning, which was a positive surprise for me. I felt much more wanted and accepted today as a whole, as several people reached out to check in on me and to support with what hadn’t been appropriately prepared for me.
Went and looked all around – even in trash bins! – for my scrunchie from yesterday, but didn’t find it. Still hopeful, because God can make anything happen! He gave me my keys very easily simply by my going to look for the scrunchie! Trusting that all is perfect and in God’s will here. 😉
Loads to read and learn before class starts later next week. Sticking to not taking work home with me, which I suspect might be a bit difficult this time, now that I have this amazing man and all, whom I want to see and with whom I want to be almost always…but I pray for the needed support from God for this.
Lord, help me to do all that I need, so that I might be an amazing teacher to these students this semester. Help me to learn and study what I need in order to step forward powerfully and confidently into this school year, embodying all that you will in me. In your name, I pray. Amen. And thank you. Amen. Amen. Amen!
My girlfriend said her husband didn’t need the cookies, so to eat or take as many as I wanted. So, I took loads. I think she made around 40 cookies. I probably ate ten of them. I left four for her husband. Maybe he had a couple last night already. I took a box of them to school and made the day of several girls – they were certainly surprised to be getting delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies when they showed up to class! Then, I took another box-full of them to the boys’ soccer game tonight, and they delighted in the cookies after the games. One small act of love – my friend baking cookies for me to enjoy on Valentine’s Day – turned into exponentially larger acts of love. Put differently, this loved expressed by one person to another turned into love experienced by roughly 30 different people. And my friend doesn’t even know about it yet.
So, just remember that our love is way more powerful and impactful than we may ever know or likely ever could imagine. And it is always worth it to love, even when it seems almost insignificant.
(Yeah, almost got the year wrong again… I guess we are going back in time now…)
I wish I could just go to Japan for a month to teach English again. I wish it were an option only for the alums of our program, so they know that we know what we’re doing and that we won’t need much support. It could be a way for schools to test out having an assistant language teacher with the program. Then, if they like it, they hire a full position. If they don’t, they only had to pay someone for a month.
And we get to revisit the country and culture and the work and students we so love and miss, but without having to commit forever or move fully.
I dreamt of what seemed to be being married and pregnant last night… I wasn’t openly sharing about it, but I felt pregnant in the dream, though I hadn’t shared it with any colleagues. And, what’s interesting, is that my colleagues were actually for the job I really want to have in real life. So, in an odd way, several hopes and dreams were realized in this odd dream – it was something of a first communion-type event for a Spanish-speaking community, though I only knew for sure one person at the event. But I was thinking about how I might want to do the event for my own child, completely in Spanish, too, but without warning people ahead of time. 😛 Because, clearly I am still myself in dreams(!). Haha
Anyway… there’s that. Also, I helped a few students with some research on their French project today, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. AND I ended up speaking in French with a friend before the workout this morning at the gym. That was both fun and fulfilling… surprisingly so, at that. I hadn’t realized how much of my current self was present in French. It was a cool discovery to make this morning. Guess I need to work on speaking French more often in my daily life. 😀
I had dinner with my dad tonight for the first time in quite a while, and it was just wonderful. In a way, I have missed having breakfast with him every week, and the occasional dinner these past few months. However, I have been so bizarrely and utterly fulfilled by my work that I haven’t really missed him. We have still chatted on the phone to check in, and we’ve had breakfast or lunch a few times since August, as well as plenty of texting. But that had been enough – I haven’t needed more lately. And I only just noticed that.
Perhaps, after this Thanksgiving week ends, I will be needing more time with those who love me clearly, as I very likely will be missing all of those kids and that amazingly fulfilling work teaching and being at school every weekday. I don’t miss it yet, because school isn’t in session. I think it will hurt on Monday, though, especially after a whole week off.
Dear God and Universe, please help me to transition with ease into my next role in fulfilling your will in this world through me. Amen.
I have much to do tomorrow. I think it is the only day we can be on campus this week, so I must get all the paperwork stuff finished… although, now that I think about it, I see that I could take them home, if needed. However, I don’t take work home with me. Though, I suppose it isn’t exactly work anymore, when the position has technically ended, time wise… hmm…. Hahaha
For some reason, I find that whole last bit hilarious. I’m such a dope sometimes, and I love it.
Anyway, I want to get all the paper grading finished tomorrow, anyway. It’s just a decent amount, so I will need to be rather on for much of the day, I expect. I will know for sure once I’m there and can see exactly what still needs to be graded. It might be less than I am expecting, but I know it is, nonetheless, a decent amount and will take at least a couple hours of working straight. So, I can expect easily to be at school until midday, even though I’ll be going straight from the gym. I’ll be showering at the gym, and heading over calmly, but I suspect I will be st school by around 7:15am, 7:30 at the latest.
And, you know what? I’m excited about it. I actually want to do this work. God has blessed me with this work; truly he has. And I am extremely grateful. May He find me more of it for these wonderful kids, because I want to give my life to the world through them right now and stepping forward into what’s next.
Sure enough, as expected but almost didn’t come to happen, I cried while singing to this one class in particular. Somehow, I got to the last three lines totally fine, but then got one clear look directly at one student, and fell apart almost instantly. I had to stop entirely, because I just could barely breathe and I was crying so suddenly and so intensely. We had a fun few moments of me learning to breathe again, and of our joking about how ‘You can’t do an encore, if it isn’t finished yet.’ I had one more line to go, and I was going to sing it! And I did. And it was wonderful. And I just love these kids dearly.
Thank you, thank you, Thank you, God and Universe for the blessing of this position this semester, and for the blessing that is and has been getting to be with these kids and be loved by them.
Well, this is the final week of my current assignment. My home and my life these past few months has been this school and its students and mission. I am not so sure I can keep it together the rest of the week. Just practicing the song I will sing for them in each of their last classes with me, I was struggling not to bawl this evening… In one class in particular, I don’t know if I will be able to keep it together enough even to sing the song, let alone sing it well. (And I do believe that I usually sing it well.) In that class, I feel so full, my life feels meant for these kids – they make me want to buckle down and prepare the greatest and most wonderful curriculum possible for them for the rest of the year, that particular class. If I allow myself to be fully present to my emotions when we are saying goodbye Friday, I certainly will cry.
What’s more, it is likely I will be in tears for all the classes, anyway, saying goodbye to them – I love these kids so dearly. And I have never experienced wanting to stay with my students like this before now. Every time I left a school, while I was bummed, I was quite looking forward to an easier schedule and less intense work for myself. This time, however, is very, very different. I want to be a part of this school. I want to be with these kids and support them directly going forward.