Stuff… and stuff

I am thinking that, so long as I aim to fulfill any specific desire with anything other than exactly what I want, I will end up with much more than I want filling the space around me – both energetically and physically – and I will be forever unsatisfied in that desire.

That’s part of why trying to fit the bill for a part just never works out for the best. It might feel good for a while, but it eventually catches up with me, and I feel somewhat miserable until I sort things out back to being fully true to myself and who I am and who I want to be.

Yeah… thoughts for bed tonight… 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Belly, belly

That digestion still hasn’t worked itself out entirely. I lay in bed for close to an hour just now, my laptop on its side in front of me, as I watched the beginning of an interesting-so-far film about Versailles.  I could not fathom doing anything other than lying on my side, carefully placing my belly in a position that didn’t hurt quite so much as all the rest of the possible positions.  So, that is exactly what I did for a while.  But, I am rather exhausted, possibly in part due to this belly and digestion stuff and also the struggled sleep I had last night because of it all already.  So, I’ll ready myself the rest of the way for bed now, and get on into it for sleep.  I can finish watching the movie another time.

Dear Lord and God and World, please, heal my stomach tonight, that I might be happy, healthy, holy when I awaken tomorrow morning, and proceed to share love in the world, especially by means of my knowledge and my creativity.  Thank you, and amen.  😉 ❤ ❤ ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Bellyache

Well, today was it. Or so my internal goals say, anyway. I am done eating gluten for now. I feel terrible every time I have it, especially when combined with the other stuff I would prefer not eating. I had already intended today to be the last day of it – you see, my weekly source of free food has finished, at last, and that food was always gluten-filled – but just based on how wretched I feel right now and have felt the past several hours this evening, I am so over it all. I’m actually quite prone to go ahead and clip out all the stuff again, and just go back to eating how I felt really quite good last year. It wasn’t as spectacular as raw vegan felt, but it was the closest I’ve ever gotten since then. Plus, I’m not to have meat or fish or eggs where I live, anyway, so there’s no reason not to do the whole raw vegan ingredient diet again (meaning raw vegan food, but it can be cooked as desired).

Yes, that would feel really good on my body, I think. Even if I just do it as a cleanse for a couple weeks to reboot myself and my systems, it likely would be awesome for me. Plus, it certainly would help me let go of this excess fat that has been hanging around lately. Super bonus there.

Many levels of awesome would be achieved, yes.

On that note, I bid you a good night. May your digestion and mine be easy tonight.

Post-a-day 2020

Smash of a day

Well, today was interesting.  Not because of what I did, but how I felt about what I did, both while doing it and now, at the end of the day.

You see, I woke up around six this morning, and discovered after a bit that I definitely wasn’t going back to sleep.  There had been a Romeo & Juliet film I’d been interested in seeing, but had determined not to watch last night.  So, I pulled it up and started it.  After the marriage, though, when the scene began that was basically guaranteed to end with Romeo’s cousin dying – T was a jerk, in my opinion, so I never seemed to mind so much about him – I was done.  It was cute, but I was over the production, and not interested in watching the rest of the sad story in such an un-intriguing presentation.

Scrolling through quickly to find something else to keep me company as I prepared possibly to fall back asleep after a while, I came across the show Smash.  I’ve seen the preview for it every time I’ve watched the Burlesque dvd (the one with Christina Aguilera), and have been longing to watch the show ever since that first time.  It’s a story all about these people in NYC creating a musical focused around Marylin Monroe.

Suffice it to say that I was sucked in.  AND there have been several surprised members of the cast, whom I know from other films or stage productions (e.g. Jack Davenport [Commodore Norrington] and Leslie Odom, Jr. [Aaron Burr, sir]).  That has been amazing, along with the show itself being well written and well directed and produced, and the songs and voices are fabulous.  I’m a huge fan of this show.  And, in case you didn’t know, I’m not a huge fan of almost any shows.

So, I watched this show four about four hours this morning, at which point I joined my mom in her vehicle – mine is having its tires replaced – and dropped her off at work, before going to Costco.  There, I loaded up on groceries – I know, but it’s actually fabulous for groceries – and then got myself a slice of pepperoni pizza to celebrate a belated pepperoni pizza day from this week, as well as a hot dog, which came with a free fountain drink.  So, I got some ice and a bit of Sierra Mist, and then filled the rest of the cup with Pepsi (not many options, really).  

After I unloaded the groceries from the cart into the car, I sat in the car and dove in… and that pizza and hot dog and soda were one of the most satisfying meals I have had in quite a while.  As my mom said, it was an “opioid survival mechanism”, and I knew it, but I didn’t mind it at all.  I’ve been managing my calories lately, for positive health purposes (of course! I’ve actually had a really beautiful development in everything with my food lately, and I’ve been excited to be taking such better care of myself… anyway…), and I was starting to feel that I’d been just a bit lower on my intake than I wanted to be the past couple or few days, so I understood completely my sudden cravings for high-calorie, meat-packed food.

Two meals and about 1500 calories later, I was utterly satisfied, and times two.

I then got my mom’s car back to her and got back home, whereupon I continued watching Smash, eventually ate a banana and sipped some orange juice to take my evening supplements, showered, and then went right back to the show.  Finally, when an episode ended just after midnight, and on a high note for me, I closed it up fo rate night.  I have to be awake and functioning too early tomorrow to be staying up any later.

So, it may seem that the only “good” part of my day was the grocery shopping.  However, I truly think and believe that my entire day today was really great.  Well, my actions today.  Falling down the stairs was totally not cool, but I’m grateful I was turned just enough to land exactly on the meaty part of my left rear cheek – it hurt, and a lot, but it was the most forgiving spot the stair could have picked to make first contact with my body (before sliding me down a ways).  Anyway, this show-watching and pizza- and hotdog-eating day of mine was actually really great for me.  I’ve been actively working on myself in a lot of ways, several of which are rather newer approaches and such… and it hasn’t been easy.  And today was possibly the first time that I was genuinely okay not to do…. loads of stuff… not to be super productive.  It might have been the first time that I allowed myself to take it delightfully easy physically and mentally for the day, and I didn’t stress about it.  I didn’t even listen to an audiobook today, though I had several chances.  I was glad for it.  And I was grateful for it.

And I still am.  🙂

P.S. I especially enjoyed the part where one character is talking about how he staked out all night to get tickets to see RENT on Broadway in 1996, and he is saying it to Leslie Odom, Jr.’s character.  For those who don’t understand why this is particularly silly or ironic and enjoyable, Leslie Odom, Jr. joined that production in 1998.  Fun fact.  😀

Post-a-day 2020

Oishii yo!

I discovered myself suddenly longing for udon tonight… kitsune nikutamago…. all together. It was funny when I was staying with my old supervisor back in January. I told her that one Japanese food I really, really liked was udon. She thought it was surprising and funny, because udon is one of the easiest Japanese dishes to make (in Japan, anyway). So, she said we definitely could have udon for dinner, and she would make it for the four of us. And then, as we talked about the different types of udon, it came out that, really, I would like to have a combination of all of them, please. She and her daughters thought it was a really funny idea – almost like if someone said she wanted all the ice cream flavors mixed together or something – but they allowed me to have it… and boy, did I praise that dinner! They thought it was funny how much I couldn’t get over the amazingness of that dish, but it was one of the best and most satisfying meals I have ever had. It was spectacular – just what I had always wanted with udon.

And now I want some more. 😛

Please send soon. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

A different ouch

Well, my hamstrings started to grow sore last night… Today, they have been amazingly sore, but only when something comes into contact with them, or I have to go from sitting to standing. Otherwise, I guess I haven’t really noticed them much… But, boy… in those moments do they hurt(!!!)… whew…

I just hope testing will be helpful tonight instead of the opposite of what they actually need – action. Either way, I’ve got to exercise tomorrow, since it didn’t happen today – things ran too close to one another today for me to get in a workout. And that was totally okay for me, by the way. I have finally begun to embrace who and how I want to be around my own physical fitness and my food and such right now. I am exercising for myself, again, and eating for myself, and it has been feeling amazing – and so easy to do, too. And I didn’t get all stressed or angry with myself or my life when the workout didn’t happen today, or when I saw yesterday that it likely wouldn’t happen today. It genuinely has been okay. And I am grateful for that.

But I’d really like to relax these aching legs already. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Books and movies

Today, I finished reading the book (well, listening to the audiobook, anyway) Crazy Rich Asians.

I had read the book, because I had enjoyed the film, and discovered that it was based on a book, and that there was actually a whole little series of books, and that it was written by a man…, and my interest was piqued… especially by that last fact.

I had just recently been to Singapore a couple times, so the film easily held a little warm spot in my heart, especially since they go to eat at one of my favorite places in the world to eat (the hawker stand when they first arrive to Singapore).

At long last, I got hold of the audiobook, and dove in, and, though it was different from the film, I enjoyed it.

I mean, I knew it would be different from the film – books always are different from their film counterparts.

Except, perhaps, The Princess Bride… that one is purty darn near exactly the same…, though it does have slight differences still…

Anyway, two things came from this, but I’ll wait…

Whenever I finish a book, I let goodreads.com know, and it adds to my list of books read.

It also sends me an e-mail: You finished [fill in the blank book]. What’s next?

And then it gives a brief bit about the book, including the first few reviews on it, and then info on the author and how to follow him on the website, and, finally, other books that people who read this same book also liked/read.

On this e-mail, I saw part of a review that interested me, and so I clicked and was led to the full review, which I read.

The writer of the review and I had very different impressions from the book – I very much enjoyed it, and she was somewhat annoyed by most of it.

I easily disregarded the review, knowing full well that I often disagree with most reviews I see of books.

(Also, I almost never accept film recommendations, because people seem to have such terrible taste in films and in film quality…)

I have certain people I trust with book recommendations, and I rather distrust most others in the world for a book (or film) recommendation.

But this got me thinking more on the book…

There are probably loads of people who dislike and have terrible and ugly things to say about just about any book, right?

As JRR Tolkien wrote in the beginning of the 1976(?) edition of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, there will be always those who dislike things he likes, and also who dislike the way he told these stories.

(He said a lot more, but that is the most relevant part in this conversation.)

As I thought about the film’s being so different from the book, I found myself wanting to talk to the author, Kevin Kwan, and to ask him how he felt about that all, and what his thoughts were on it…

Is it not basically a group of individuals declaring that your story was good, but just not good enough?, I thought at him in our mental interview within my own mind.

Then, it had me wonder, What is it like with reading the various reviews of your books by readers? All those nasty comments and thoughts…Do you just ignore them entirely and never read them, because that isn’t why you wrote them, anyway? You wrote them for those who would enjoy them?

And this idea had me think about whether it mightn’t be a good idea to go ahead and gather together people who love me, and have them tell me how they dislike or do not like something that I have done or created… practice the rejection, so to speak.

Not to experience the suffering, but to learn to separate their unkind words from my own satisfaction and pleasure from the work I have produced… to aid me in learning to love my creations period, with no dependency on what others’ opinions are, good or bad.

My mood is up to me, and my art can be perfect just for me… everything else is insignificant.

If it brings others joy, yay: joy for them and for myself.

If it doesn’t bring others joy, yay: joy for myself.

That’s why I wrote/made/created it, anyway, was for myself, right?

In some way, anything I create must be for myself… it is something I was ready to express, and in this particular form at this particular time… it is for myself that I do it, whether I realize or acknowledge it or not.

Yet, those bad reviews really stick with us… as I recently was called to consider from a quote by Orson Welles:

Every actor in his heart believes everything bad that’s printed about him.

So, I wonder, how can we move past that?

How can we be untouched by the bad reviews?

And, even, the good reviews, too, for, if they suddenly were to cease, would we be saddened?

How can we be self-sustaining in our joy and satisfaction with our own art, and untouched by the opinions of others?

The second idea was about how films are always different from the book, even when the book is spectacular already.

Why must the book always be changed?

Why?!

Ugh.

Post-a-day 2020

Cinco de Mayo

Perusing the various social aspects of my phone as I get in my final required steps before I am allowed to go to bed for the night, I have noticed a sense of slight oddness…, but I have been unable to identify what is odd, nor really be sure that something is, indeed, odd… I’m just tired, and under the after-effects of a large margarita (from six hours ago, mind you) and lots of tamales and tacos to fill my belly and tire me out.

I had consciously decided to gorge on them in celebration of Cinco de Mayo – truly more of a Texas day of celebration of Mexican culture than a Mexican celebration of boosted morale in the midst of a takeover by France… – and to be delighted with the whole experience… and I have been – today has been great.

But, sitting here on my bed, there is something tickling at the back of my tired mind and body…

I wiggle and trench my shoulders a bit, and it suddenly hits me, as I declare happily, “That’s what’s weird! I don’t have a shirt on!”

As usual when I am really tired, I messed up the order of things in getting ready for bed, and forgot the one that involves putting on a shirt. 😂

So, I popped over to clothes, selected a soft t-shirt, and pulled it on happily.

Aaahhh… that feels good… satisfying.

At last, the oddness is gone, and I feel whole in my bedtime preparations. 😂

Silly, silly… 😂

Post-a-day 2020

Cookies, anyone?

Look, I know people love cookies.

I do.

But I almost always prefer the batter to the cookies themselves.

Seriously.

One of my favorite treats in life growing up (aside from certain breads 😂) was taking a spoon (or fork!) to the roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough… mmmmmmmm…

Slicing the end off with a serrated knife, sucking out the bit from the end piece, and then having at the rest.

Not even joking here… we would stand in the kitchen at night, sharing from the roll, my siblings and I.

Oh, it was just so good… I have no words for it…

Haha

It may or may not be something I have been known to do in my adult life… on more than one occasion…

(Okay, like three times, so don’t get all crazy on me about the raw eggs – the gluten and sugar in it hurt me more than the eggs ever have or likely ever will.)

And no, I didn’t even bother to bake cookies, whenever I get the roll.

(Not for myself, anyway, but I might have baked them and just given them away, because nobody needs that much cookie dough.) 😂

So, yeah… I was supposed to have some on my birthday, actually…, but it didn’t work out with timing, and I am rather strict about following my dietary guidelines and rules, and the allowance is only on two specific days a month, and I don’t want to waste the cookie dough on just any old day… I want it to be a celebration, so I can bask in it, and also share in delight with those around me, who also are celebrating somehow…

Perhaps we can do a Christmas in July celebration, and include it then… hmm…

Or else, I’ll just wait another ten months for my birthday to come around again… :/

Yeah, anyway…

Cookie dough is delicious, so long as it is in small quantities and not some crap recipe, anyway… 😂

Post-a-day 2020

Friday night sucks…

Let’s talk for a minute about how we live into the future…

You know, on any given weekend, Sunday is kind of the sucky day of the weekend, because we are acutely aware of having to go back to business Monday morning… and then, if we have a vacation coming up, we’re overjoyed and excited all the time, all throughout the day, even if it is Monday morning, and we have work to do…, because our vacation is soon(!)… The boring meeting right now has no power over our cruise that starts Saturday morning…

In that sense, we live into our future, right?

Right.

So, for me, I need to be around people – I need to have my solo time, but I also need to be with people, really be with them… a friend(?) recently mentioned the term “ambivert” to me, and I like it… it very well describes my situation with all of this being extroverted and introverted…, which people almost never seem to understand, by the way…

Anyway, I need people in my life.

For the past two weeks, I have been living with very few people in my daily life… it was enough to get me by last week and the start of this week, but then the working from home this week has crushed all interactions with people in my daily life now…

However, I had work to get me through the week, e-mails to exchange, interactions (though cyber) guaranteed to be had throughout the day…

But tomorrow is Saturday… I have no work, no e-mails, no semblance of human interaction…

And I am miserable… I almost – scratch the almost, I feel like weeping, I am filled with such an experience of stress and of being unloved…

There is that beautiful quote of, “I have called you by name; you are mine,” and, though it is used initially as defining a part of the relationship between God and humanity, I feel it applies to how we interact with all things and beings in our life… when I have called you by name, given you a name of my own, I have given you a place in my heart, and you are dear to me – in some way or other, you are mine.

When people interact with me, call me by name, I often am filled with the love that is present in our relationship, whatever that relationship may be… essentially, when people interact so directly with me, I feel and experience their love for me.

In contrast, when people do not interact with me directly…, I sometimes lose sight of that love…, I sometimes begin to convince myself that the love has faded, and that I am left to myself, to be loved by no one else…

And the experience of that always sucks.

Just saying, it does.

And I know that my love is enough, and I know that the pieces of God that reside within me are enough to sustain me and fill me in every way…

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to feel unloved by the rest of the world.

I know I will be okay… I will be far more than okay…

I’m just letting myself experience this overwhelming feeling of sick right now, so that, in acknowledging it, in allowing the intense, hiding yet ebbing emotions to express, I am able to let it all go, to release it all in a cathartic convulsing of body and searing tears…

It is already late tonight, but I know that I will go to bed in an intentionally much improved state…, and I will get out of bed in the morning and take care of myself – I will play music and make art and work my body as hard as it needs to release anything else that might remain in the morning… if I cannot focus my love on others, perhaps there is something missing in my love for myself, something on which I would do well to improve… I am worth loving, and I know that and experience that with my whole being… even when I stray to wonder at its being true…

Nonetheless, I will take care of myself… I will do what I wish others would do to show their love for me, because I love me, and I am worth being loved (and even lavished), and being all alone for so long and for so much foreseeable future is scary right now…

But perhaps it is this problem exactly that has me in this situation… perhaps I need to grow more comfortable with providing all the love on my own, so that I become fully clear and comfortable in the fact that I do not need the others’ love – I merely want it.

As I was thinking in a dreamed conversation just today, do you really want to be with someone who needs you?… Would you really choose that over being with someone who wants to be with you?

I have said it before, and it still holds true entirely, I want to be with someone – in all my relationships, really – who doesn’t need me, but who wants to be with me nonetheless… who wants not to be without me, and so chooses to be with me.

It is in times of these feelings of isolation that I wonder where the people in my life stand on this spectrum, to what degrees they want me in their lives…

I have yet to find the far edge of the spectrum of wanting me…, but perhaps it will come some day… soon…

Anyway, I’m off to clean up and get ready for bed, now that I’ve finished this whole cry fest… who would have thought that Friday night and an entirely open weekend ahead could be so upsetting??

Haha

Anyway, this was how I spent my evening: eating fancy stew straight from the pot, while watching the first half of one of my favorite films, which was just recently gifted to me for my birthday, all while detachedly wondering about something that won’t seem to leave me alone lately… (I mean, what are you gonna do, right?… it’s like when a song gets stuck in my head… just let it ride, and it eventually will be replaced by something [hopefully] better, you know?)

Post-a-day 2020