Dreams, then reality

As I’ve said before, dreams tend to take care of us – they find where we are emotionally unsettled from the day (or from even longer), and they aim to resolve those points for us while we sleep.  We go to bed with suppressed angst, we have a torrid dream of seemingly disconnected and/or nonsensical events, throwing us through emotion after emotion, and then we wake up slightly shocked yet – whether we notice it or not – no longer quite so full of the angst of yesterday.  It’s like how we are always told that we’ll feel better in the morning, or after a good night’s rest – our brain helps to heal us as we sleep, and dreams are the part of the healing that we, somewhat, are able to witness.

Last night, I had a long series of one of those dreams, and it was surprising how it was put together.  However, it made perfect sense, after I considered it all for a little while today.  I am physically attracted to this type of guy, but I am emotionally, psychologically, and mentally attracted to a very different type of guy.  It is not the tall, dark, and handsome that keep my attention – they only grab it initially.  It is the gloriously intelligent, slightly dorky guy, the one who can’t help but be true to his inner nerdiness, and share it with the world freely, and free from shame.  It is the guy who is comfortable in himself and is unapologetically smart and silly, who keeps my attention.  (Well, as long as he has good teeth, that is – I can’t stand bad teeth… just saying…)

And so, despite the gloriously handsome guys who could have shown up for the delightfully silly series of events that were an absurd version of dating and loving someone truly, my brain gave me the nerdy genius of the bunch… and I loved it.  As I mentioned, I was surprised when I woke up, and I processed the fact that I had just had a mental dating relationship with the least physically attractive guy on my mind.  However, it did not take me long after asking the question, “Why was he the one?” that I knew exactly why.  My body is attracted to the other guys loads more, and my mind a good amount, but my mind is absurdly attractive to him, when compared to the others… they can’t even begin to compare, really, because they aren’t even on the same plane.

So, yeah, it was a lovely set of dreams… and it really helped me deal mentally with some unsettled stress…, but the dream itself lacked an ending – it just kind of fizzled out, as dreams often do, leaving me wanting not more of the dream but the real thing, life itself. Now, I want more than ever to meet my own nerdy love of my life.  And I have no idea what to do about that.

Well, I actually do, in a way… As I have begun, I must continue to pursue this living space beautification process.  I see the next steps in it all, and I think it is more important than ever that I take them, so that I can actually achieve this dream of mine with my living space.  By pursuing something that is so important and also so difficult for me (yet entirely true to who I am to pursue and achieve), I am making mental and physical space for this person to arrive.  I am also setting myself up for the life I want to lead, and for being who and how I want to be in more ways than ever… that, in and of itself, is a bold and powerful step, I believe, in not only inviting but allowing that person to enter into my life, my daily life.

So, now that I’ve had the lovely dream last night, I want to do what it takes to create the real thing for me, to turn the ideas of that dream into my reality.  (Obviously, I don’t want the specifics of the dream, people included, [myself aside, that it], but I want the ideas and emotions presented and managed within it to become part of my life.)  Basically, I was inspired by my nighttime dreams to create something spectacular and unexpected in my reality.  Thank you, dreams.  Thank you, brain.  Blowing my mind here, and I am grateful… just help me to take the next steps, would you, please?  😀

On that note, time to go to sleep, Banana.  😉

Post-a-day 2020

Only the best

Daveed Diggs makes my heart go kaboom, jumping up and down, spinning around in a chest explosion of dancing to a quick, funky beat…

He makes my throat feel jittery, and my spine prickle with total joy, and excitement.

He makes my entire being smile with pure delight.

And, when he smiles, I might as well be melting to the floor…

And – and this is a bit and – I could hardly say that I even know the guy – I’ve never met him, and I only know about him, really, rather than knowing him, himself.

And yeah, I don’t really see logically that anything ever would develop between us, for many, many reasons, which I have accepted rather easily (again, recall that we do not know one another, anyway.

However, what has struck me as extremely important about his presence in my life?

The fact that, if he sparks such emotions and physical response as no one in my actual life has ever struck for me, then I very clearly have not yet met the right men, the right man… anyone I have crossed so far has come nowhere near arousing such excitement and true joy within me (along with such a cool and comfortable calmness that he carries casually to me)… so, no wonder nothing has ever come of any of those interactions, relationships.

If it had, it could only have been settling, on my part.

And so, Daveed Diggs, in all his masterful and joyful and humble and gorgeous glory, reminds me, just by being himself, that 1)I must be always myself, 2)that is exactly how I will find the perfect partner in life for me, and 3)I must remember never to settle, and always to stand for the greatest and purest form of delight, joy, and utter love within me, when it comes to my relationship with a partner in my life.

Daveed Diggs, you are a beast, I love you in gratitude for all you are and all you share with the world, and I am extremely grateful for the inspiration and reminder you have provided me specifically in my life. 🙂

Thank you. ❤

P.S. Spectacular name, man! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Bedtime chats

My head hurts, my upper neck is aching, my mouth is somewhat dry, and I can barely hold my body up and keep my eyes open…, yet I am extremely satisfied.

I somewhat spontaneously called a friend of mine who lives in Australia, and we had a lovely nonsense hangout chat while he grocery shopped (until his phone battery practically died).

Turns out that he hasn’t been doing a great job on managing his physical fitness this past year-ish, and so we might just have become check-in buddies for one another’s fitness.

While I am still super fit, technically, I haven’t been working out lately, and I really want to get myself back into it.

Having someone else work together with me, in a way, could be a wonderful step for this for me.

I was just thinking today and yesterday how I missed having a gym buddy, and how I kind of wanted a new one somehow…, and, perhaps, here one might be.

And, as he said, it also would be helpful for us in terms of putting us in regular, frequent contact again.

Long-distance friendships take effort, but they especially require both parties to be at least somewhat aware of the time difference… when only one friend knows the time difference, it adds for lots of confusion and little actual talking. 😛

So, anyway, we might have weekly check-ins with one another now regarding fitness…, and I think it might be just what I need and want right now.

That and sleep….

Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2020

He doesn’t drink, but…

I think I much would prefer to sue the phrase myself, and to have it go, “He doesn’t drink, and…,” instead.

…it’s fine by me.

…I don’t either.

…so what?

…I hardly even notice.

…I appreciate it.

…it really isn’t what matters most about him – there’s so much more than even bothering mentioning that he doesn’t drink.

So, yeah… perhaps he drinks and perhaps he doesn’t…, but I think I’m really liking this idea of his not being interested in drinking… I never expected that I would be in such a boat myself…, and I am beginning to see that we would do well together, if we both happened to be on the same boat….

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2020

Homophones ;)

I never quite understood what was going on in the song, though I listened to it multiple times… I attributed this to my lack of knowledge on the history being referenced within it…

Even when I watched it happen on the stage, and I listened carefully and understood almost every single word in it, I was still slightly lost… as I considered it afterward, I saw that it just still didn’t quite make sense to me – why such a title and then have the song be talking so much about what it was discussing?

I was guessing that it was showing how problems in the government’s leaders’ lives always had a risk of being life-threatening, and so there were two sides to being in politics at the time (and a third during the war itself, but from an enemy, not an ally)… thus the “dual” of it… the duality, would it be?

Anyway…

It suddenly clicked for me tonight, though, as I prepared myself for sleep, and contemplated Lafayette’s 19 words in under three seconds –

And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em
Drop and burn ‘em up and scatter their remains, I’m

Is it “duel” instead of “dual”?! I asked myself in sudden doofusfeeling inspiration.

I quickly checked, and, of course, it is, indeed, the “Ten Duel Commandments”.

Still a play on history and phrasing, but not in the way I was interpreting it… similar, but not really at all the same idea. 😂

Oh, the fun of spelling. 😛

P.S. Extreme gratitude yet again for the beautiful gifts that Lin-Manuel Miranda shares with the world at large… Thank you, good sir… 🙂

P.P.S. Daveed Diggs,…. dude… I kind of love you for your space of fun and for your spectacular precision. 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Panties and Power

I am wearing my Tuesday underwear tonight, post-shower and in my pjs.

I have discovered that my days-of-the-week underwear are something to the effect of ‘my power underwear’.

It isn’t that they are actually my power underwear, but that they carry a similar space and experience as power underwear might carry.

(My true power panties are actually some of my other style that I typically would wear for being out in the world… and they even kind of rotate around every so often, which ones are the true power ones that fill me with confidence as a woman…)

When I wear the days-of-the-week panties, I am excited and delighted; I have fun as child does; I am released of the big stresses in my life, and reminded instead of the little things that really matter most; I get to laugh inwardly at memories I have from them; and I get to enjoy the fact that I typically wear them not on their listed days, and sometimes intentionally so… basically, I feel good in them.

But they also aren’t underwear that I would wear out in public, typically.

Not that we wear any underwear out while in public, but that I wear them while I am out in public… anyway…

They are more so underwear for myself and for me time… my public underwear are all silky smooth, the no-show and seamless kind… these guys are usually for when it won’t matter about panty lines, because I won’t be around anybody else, and so they don’t matter… and I get to enjoy my days of the week all to myself.

So, yeah… they make me feel like a kid and they heal my adult heart ever so slightly whenever I wear them. 🙂

Good thing I have on Tuesday tonight – I’ve been needing some love and healing, now that I’m back home, in the midst of whatever this all is right now.

Siggggghhhhhhhhhh…..

Post-a-day 2020

No, thank you

I seem to do a very decent job of rejecting guys and making it abominably clear that it ain’t happenin’, and then being friends with them (or, at least, good acquaintances).

A man once invited me on a vacation.

Well, he asked me about inviting me on a vacation – ‘What if I invited you on a trip?’ kind of thing.

He, we both knew, had something specific in mind for a guaranteed part of that trip’s itinerary, no matter the destination of the trip.

I informed him clearly that, no, it wouldn’t happen – not doing it that way either, man… but thanks for asking, instead of assuming and all that jazz.

And he, naturally, was bummed, but he also got over it.

Years later, we have turned somewhat into friends.

I call him out on his bs, and never hold it against him.

He calls me on the phone, and has slowly begun talking about genuine things with me, instead of the casual, surface-level chitchat most of the world seems to be comfortable living in.

Today, we were just talking about what we were up to this evening and the past week or so, and I was sharing about my nature time here in Madison, and how, since international travel for vacation is not exactly a thing for the next while, I was considering expanding my goal of visiting Texas parks to include other parts of the country… get to know nature here, so to speak.

One of those places is Utah.

In a sneaky and, basically, magical way, Utah is pulsing with glorious natural wonders.

And I want to spend some time with at least some of them.

When I was sharing about this desire, the guy expressed his total agreement, and said that Utah is truly an amazing place for nature.

I casually asked, in a sly yet joking voice, “Do you wanna take me to Utah?”, knowing that he would remember his offer from years back, and he would know that I was making a joke about it.

He replied, with no actual hesitation, and in a voice so sober as I have only occasionally heard from him, “I would take you anywhere.”

Aww… that’s sweet of you, I told him, and we moved on along in the conversation.

It was a simple comment, and, though it could have been interpreted quite differently when not hearing it said, it was clearly a genuine compliment, both in its meaning and in the speaker’s sincerity in speaking it.

It warmed me, hearing that phrase from him this evening.

He knows that I won’t take him up on his initial offer, and so he wasn’t just saying it in hopes of getting me to go – not at all.

He was saying it, because, in a way, he meant it.

And he still wants me to agree to it, his original offer…. a fact that, in its own odd way, warms my heart ever so slightly…

Because it is nice to be wanted…, even physically and sexually…. I won’t deny that it is especially nice to be wanted by someone so entirely desirable as this guy is, either.

And, even for his little bit of genuine meaning it with his statement, it was well worth hearing him say it, and knowing that the compliment of being so desirable was still there.

Especially now, when I’ve been working so hard on my physical body, I appreciate such a compliment (especially when it is absent of the ridiculous vulgarity too many people seem to express so openly these days)… and it is especially sweet, because this guy doesn’t even know how I’ve physically improved in the past year plus, yet he still holds such an opinion of me…

Compliment, indeed, and I’ll take it! 😛

“I’d take you anywhere,” said a deep, kind, and sober voice over the phone… and, for that few seconds, she took flight in the traces of human love found in that statement, and imagined what kind of person would take her anywhere… she doesn’t really see that happening with him, but she believes that someone is out there, getting ready for her and all the absurdity and love she has to offer, and that she is seeking.

Post-a-day 2020

True friends

“I only have about ten minutes, so, nothing about me – just tell me about you…”

He begins to list questions related to things and areas in my life.

“…and how is your social life? Do you even have one right now?…”

And the questions continue in a quick flood…

“…How is your body? Are you still gorgeous, or even more goddess-like now?…”

Eventually, the questions end, and he sits quietly to listen for the next ten minutes, attention focused…

Some friends, in even the tiniest of conversations, remind us of what true friends are… they are the ones who, when we’ve been in a tough spot, without their even seeming to try, say exactly the right thing to warm our hearts, and often thereby put us right at the edge of tears…

As I said, in taking with him, my heart felt so loved… breathing was so intensely filling and satisfying, my heart was so loved by him…

That is a sign of a true friend.

And, though we are a whole world apart from one another, I am grateful for the friendship and all of the love that has poured out and continues to pour out from and for it, like an everlasting waterfall…

Thank you, true friend, and thank you, God for the help… I needed this, and tonight especially… thank you, both and all.

Amen. 🙂 ❤

P.S. It is particularly important to me that this is a heterosexual man who expresses honestly and openly his thoughts and opinions, even with women, allowing for a spectacular and genuine friendship between the sexes… (When Harry Met Sally wins no fight here!)

Post-a-day 2020

Space vs Person

Have you ever been attracted to the space of someone, yet found absolutely zero physical attraction to the person, and also no real attraction to all too many details of the person and his/her life?

It is one where you feel that, if you were to close your eyes, you could be content, even delighted, being with this person…

Because, just listening to his/her voice, you feel somehow entirely at ease and filled with… well, something satisfying, comforting, and just a tad exciting…

But, you know that, as soon as you open your eyes, that feeling will be gone…

And so, you enjoy the idea with a secret smile, and just move on in life, without the person as your partner…

Do you know that one?

Yeah… it’s a weird one, I dare say…, but I have definitely been there.

Post-a-day 2020

Let’s talk about sex (some more), baby

Somehow, I have found myself thinking about pornography lately.

And no, not in the sense of indulgence or grossness or anything like that.

In the sense of this question: How are people supposed to be exposed to the body, and to sexual interaction initially, to be informed on the subject and not have to be afraid of it all?

The unfortunate answer side seems to have only one measly answer: pornography.

And, while I very much dislike the intended use of pornography, I could understand it from an educational approach… well… the more vanilla side of it all, anyway.

It had me thinking how, in a traditional normal household, a child is somewhat likely, at least once in his life, to walk in on his parents having sex, right?

Right.

That exposure, to me, seems important and possibly necessary for that child.

However, I feel that that exposure alone is not enough for the child to develop a healthy relationship to the concept of sex.

How is he supposed to learn what a positive versus negative relationship with sex is?

How is he supposed to understand truly what is normal (and versus abnormal) for the human bodies of a male and female in the world of sexual interaction?

Many people, I suppose, would say that that‘s the whole point of someone’s first sexual interaction: awkward discovery.

(But many people don’t have that opportunity, and for many reasons…. It could be age difference, personality difference, an abuse history, or even fear of the whole thing…)

But what if it didn’t have to be like that most of the time, with so many people living in worry about getting it right or being good enough or knowing what to do or what is normal?

I’ve mentioned before about how these cave-people books talk about how certain women would be selected each summer to be the sexual guides for all the newly-established men of the tribes, and, when females were declared women, they would have a special ceremony, for which a specific man was selected to be the first sexual encounter for the newly-established woman.

No, they aren’t exactly the same approach, but they both have value, and I think a combination of them would be supremely valuable for a people as a whole.

What a beautiful way for people to learn the human body and sexual interaction in a healthy and loving way…

Granted, it only worked because the whole tribe would select carefully and consciously the people who would be the sexual guides, and there were various restrictions and rules about it all to keep everyone safe, both physically and emotionally/psychologically.

However, it worked beautifully, and everyone had a positive foundation in the realm of the human body and sexual encounters and relationships… they also knew when things were off, and were comfortable reaching out to others about it, because the body and sex were not taboo topics.

Hmm… anyway… just some thoughts… I don’t have plans to revolutionize the world with this, and I know it isn’t perfect, but I think it would be a great brainstorming start for our time in the world…

Post-a-day 2020