I am somewhat terrified (though not in any life-threatening way) for tomorrow and onward.
I don’t date people… I just don’t.
Men don’t ask me out, I don’t ask them out, and we don’t go out.
…
Yet, here I am, scheduled to meet a person for brunch – I also don’t go eat with people when I don’t know how they eat, physically (can’t stand smacking and all sorts of nonsense) – for, well, a date that, well, I asked him to go on with me.
Have I gone mad?
I am so particular, and also so panicky about all of this business…
We (meaning my friend) put me on the dating apps, and it stressed me out so much, I couldn’t take it.
And I didn’t even go on any dates from them(!), but I just needed to be removed from them.
And I think they scared me.
I have it in my head that things will be easy with the person meant for me, and that’s totally okay.
But I also have this desire to date people – like the concept of going on dates and being giddy and silly and flirty and having fun and learning all about someone else, and then also just having someone to go do something with me, to spend time with me.
One side of me wants to go date all over the place, but another wants to be reserved, to stay away, to wait with utter loyalty for the one meant for me…
The parable where the one guy goes and buries the money, while the other two invested their shares, and he returns just the original amount to the master, but the others return more, due to interest from their investments, and the master fusses at him for his poor judgement of what was best to do with the money… comes to mind…
If I sit quietly, safely, alone and underground, I will not improve upon myself and I will have significantly less to offer when that someone comes to retrieve me, so to speak – I would have so much less to offer my partner whenever we did get together.
So, it makes sense to invest myself, again, so to speak…
But I also am terrified of hurting the other person I date – I hate rejection, but I also hate rejecting… my usual tactic is to avoid the whole situation by figuring out ahead of any dating opportunity that the person and I are not meant for each other, and then making sure no date ever comes of it…
And I don’t want to be hurt myself… I don’t want to be rejected myself… as much as I don’t want to have to ‘let him down easy,’ as we say, I don’t want to be ‘let down’ at all… I’ve had enough of that experience in my life already, especially with guys… I don’t want any more of it.
But it is just like the job interview, as my mom and I always discuss before I have an interview… I want to get this, because I think it would be amazing, but I want to be true to myself and I want to get it because I am good for it – if I would not be good for it and would end up miserable in it, I want not to get it… if they do not want me, then it is good that they reject me, because it is not the place for me, and it is not a good place for me, either… If they accept me, it is because I am perfect for it, and things will be amazing… if they reject, it is because something better awaits me… I need not put any extra stress, emphasis, or meaning onto the interview (e.g. That I have to get this, or that it means I suck if I don’t get this, etc.)… however it turns out is perfect for me and my life, and I will be heading perfectly to where I need to be next in life.
This whole dating thing, I think can be like that for me… if we are meant to be together, we will be; if we are not, we won’t be…, either way is perfect.
We are on this date for some reason, and there is something wonderful to get out of it, including its being a wonderful opportunity to learn about and get to know another human being in the intimacy of a one-on-one experience (something of which we seem to do far too little in this life)… if nothing else, that is a good enough reason to go on this date.
I think that is actually why I wanted this date: He attracts me, and I want to see why, I want to learn about him, to satisfy the curiosity that called me so strongly to him as to want to spend one-on-one time with him.
Wanting to spend one-on-one time with someone doesn’t mean we have to kiss or have sex or anything at the end of it – it is truly just an opportunity to have uninterrupted interaction with one another… and I think that is one of the most important parts of this for me to get… I can go on a date and not have to kiss the guy at the end… and I can even talk about that with him, and even at the beginning.
It’s kind of like how I told this one friend-ish acquaintance straight up, “I’m not having sex with you,” and he understood and was not offended, and we still spent and spend time together, one-on-one, despite my clear declaration… hmm…
Wow… is it really an expectation of a kiss (etc.) that most stresses me about dating?… that I would be declared overly chaste and wuss and whatever afterward?
Hmm… I might have something there…
But what if I already do want to kiss him?… and I end up not wanting to kiss him later on, after we spend more time together?… is it okay to back away some, to remove the kissing from the table, while still being amicable, friends, even?
I guess that would be part of the conversation to be had to begin it all… establishing expectations, concerns, goals, and anything else that needed to be said before diving into the date fully…
Actually, I really like that idea… I had thought of it before, but not in such clarity and with such specific reasoning behind it… now I need to make sure this happens tomorrow, before our date begins fully…
Yes, I am game (and it seems like it will be very fun to play). 🙂
Post-a-day 2020
hannah ananas 