I love my city

I really do love my city. I spent most of the day today out riding my bicycle around it, and taking photos of things I like, so that I could send them to my buddy in Italy, so that he could see some of the everyday and the beloved that are part of my life in Houston.

(What a sentence!)

What’s funny to me right now, though, is that, though I did that and I exercised and I made delicious food and healthy and delicious juices afterward, and I sent the photos on, and I chatted a long while with a good friend while winding down just now…, though I did all of these things, and I was incredibly satisfied by and fulfilled by my day…., I suddenly am filled – in my intense sleepiness, as I prep as quickly as is possible for bed – with an experience of loss regarding that guy… I almost want to cry, yet I couldn’t say why specifically… but it has to do with him, I know.

It is much like the song I wrote the other day about loving my city, yet not wanting to be in it right now…, because I wanted to be with him, instead… I was just going through all of these awesome photos, and it was on my mind how much I love my city…, and then, bam… some utterly unknown tangent busts in this old topic.

I know it was a tiny affair on paper, but it wasn’t tiny for me, for many reasons… and I understand that it isn’t just going to go away – it is going in small steps, with every day involving less and less brainpower and attention occupied by thoughts of him and that whole situation, and also less intense emotions connected to all of it… but, even still, it doesn’t feel good when, after a whole day of being in great spirits about it, my guards of logic and consciousness begin to close down for the night, and I am whooshed by a sudden sad reminder of something I really wanted – something I expressed wanting – didn’t work out, despite my going for it.

I’m just going to sit with that for now… perhaps it is what will do me best, not to resist it or disappear it right away… perhaps it still just needs to be felt at times…

So, I’ll feel it…

Post-a-day 2020

Hot commodity/mess

Have you ever been a hot commodity?

It’s somewhat of a newer experience for me, though, in this particular situation, I’ve been of a similar status for quite a while.

The thing about it is that, it’s wonderful when those I want taking advantage of my presence are there to take advantage, and no one I don’t particularly want taking advantage of my presence gets in the way…

But it never really goes that way, now does it?

When everyone appreciates one’s value, everyone wants to benefit from that value…

And I do give back loads…, but, sometimes, I just want to go out and enjoy myself, and not bother with all of the newer, inexperienced folk expending my energy.

Of course, and then I run the risk of being considered utterly snobby, thinking myself above everyone else.

However, especially recently, I am starting to understand why so many people have given up trying not to seem snobby… it just takes too much effort to care what so many people think when, just every once in a while, they want to have some fun for themselves, not have to have things be a helping-out, volunteer-y time.

Yeah, I get that now… no wonder so many of them seem so stuck-up…

So, while I love having my talent and skills, it’s not always great being a hot commodity, when people’s feelings and opinions are so easily injured.

Those are my thoughts to share for tonight. ūüôā

(Good luck with your own hot commodity situations ;))

Post-a-day 2018

Granny at heart?

I’ve never really been one for people my own age. ¬†I’m not sure what it is about me or about them, but I just have never much meshed with people my own age. ¬†A recent party was no exception in proving this.

See, I was attending this party, and there were people of various ages. ¬†The handful around my own age all got on really well with one another, in a few groups that all would mix and mingle off and on with one another. ¬†I was not part of any of them, really, at any point, though various individuals greeted me briefly throughout the evening. ¬†Near the end of the party, they all started going on about whether everyone else was going to the afterparty. ¬†They weren’t really asking the older folks; just the youngish people, the ones around my own age.

Except, in all of the inviting and discussing, no one ever mentioned the after party to me. And it wasn’t as though it had been announced or anything, and so I had heard all about it, and everyone was invited. ¬†No. ¬†Someone commented publicly the day before that there would be an afterparty, almost in a joking manner, yes. ¬†But, at the actual party, it was a one-on-one or one-on-two topic of discussion. ¬†And I was never included in any of those small groups. ¬†I only heard the, “Are you going to the afterparty?” questions posed among friends as I passed by them. ¬†Multiple times.

And it’s not like I really¬†wanted to go to the afterparty, anyway. ¬†They were going to some bar, it sounded like, and in the opposite direction of my home (which was already half an hour away). ¬†Neither of those ideas appealed to me. ¬†Plus, throw in the factor that I’m not exactly wanted there, and I definitely am less than thrilled at the idea of the afterparty.

The thing is, I wanted to be invited. ¬†It hurt ever so slightly that I wasn’t even invited. ¬†That I never expected them to invite me made it hurt that much more. ¬†I spent most of the party chatting with people quite older than I am (at least a decade or two), and I loved that. ¬†It felt almost like I actually belonged in¬†that group. ¬†But I still am a tiny bit disappointed that the my-age people seem not to like me. ¬†I’m not sure if they dislike me, or if they think I dislike them or something. ¬†I am, at the very least, unimportant to them. And, while I don’t really like them all too much, anyway, – I don’t dislike them, let’s be clear – I would invite them along to something, if I were doing something tied to that group of people. ¬†I wouldn’t exclude them. ¬†I don’t wish the feeling of exclusion on anyone.

Anyway, the bottom line is: I really just don’t get on easily with people my own age most of the time. ¬†This party the other night emphasized the fact that this has not changed as I have aged.

Post-a-day 2017