OCD to the … oh…

I have OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Back in 2018, it had progressed so much that it was actually debilitating. The agoraphobia part of it especially had increased in intensity, and I couldn’t get myself to go almost anywhere, including to the store for necessary food/groceries.

But, that summer, I started seeing a holistic nutritionist who had mentioned in a presentation that my mom had attended – I had not attended it, as I had been too scared of the idea of going somewhere unknown with an unknown situation and unknown bathrooms and chairs and floors and smells and all the rest – that he believed OCD was from hormonal imbalances. He did a bunch of muscle testing on me, and he got me on a regimen of specific supplements to take mornings and evenings daily. Within six weeks, I was a completely different person. Rather, I was a person again. After six months, I was unrecognizable in my behavior. And, what’s more, all my menstruation stuff had gotten loads better, too… which suggested even more so that my main issue had been hormonal imbalances in the first place.

Now, these supplements that I take, they are straight up a few bizarre plants and seeds and oils, but mostly the odd parts of animals that we tend not to eat anymore as a society… liver, intestine, gallbladder, etc… (I don’t actually remember if all those are in there, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were.) The things that elite athletes and health folks keep trying to get us to cook up at home or eat raw a few times a week, I am already taking in a powdered, capsule form. Pretty bizarre yet cool, right?

Well, I had thought I’d had two weeks of my supplements put together, ready for me to take. I found out at the end of the week that it was only one week’s worth put together. Now, it takes me a few days to plan out and make it happen to put my supplements together each time. It takes a while to do, and it isn’t something I can leave out if I haven’t finished. So, I kind of have to plan for it. And I didn’t do that this past week. It, therefore, took me several days to figure out when to put them together. And that time kept getting pushed to the next day, for various reasons…

Alas, about a week went by without my taking all the supplements. And I’m about to start menstruating, so my hormones are going absolutely nuts right now, I imagine.

I had to force myself to put the supplements together yesterday afternoon, though, as I could feel my entire body struggling, as though I were almost getting a cold, and I could see how my OCD was showing up all over the place, stressing me out and preventing me from doing things I needed and had wanted to do. It didn’t help that I was eating crappy foods this past week-ish.

So, this morning left me with almost no food of any kind – genuinely had green juice to take my supplements, then ate Girl Scout cookies and a few bites of sausage and gelato as my breakfast and lunch, as I had nothing else at the house. I didn’t go to the gym at my usual time, because I was scared of going and hadn’t slept too well, anyway, which was the official reason. I had intended to go to the store to get food for breakfast after the workout, but switched it to ‘once I got up’. I avoided getting up as long as possible, though the sleep was so restless (from midnight onward, really), and eventually got up at eight. It took me hours just to fold two small loads of laundry and pack them up. And I didn’t make it to the store until after noon.

I kid you not, as I walked into the store, I was close to tears. It was both out of stress and fear of going into the store itself – going into the agora – and it of frustration at how ridiculous it was that I was so stressed and scared at s bunch of nothing(!). Yet, there was nothing to be done about it aside from just doing it (and eating well and taking my supplements, though those weren’t valid at that particular time and place).

I got the green juice – Aka green water – and some food to cook later, along with the needed cleaning supplies, and I made it to the apartment. My flat mate was there, and I shared about my current state and morning – we haven’t seen each other much in the past week, surprise surprise. Then, of course, I cried loads. She very conscientiously asked if I wanted a hug or not right then, and, after considering a moment, I told her that I actually didn’t want to be touched at that moment, and we laughed about it. (Because I am such a toucher!) It took me a bit of adjusting, but I knew I was on a time limit, so I managed to get to work cleaning. I got most of it done, and left the bathroom and bedroom smelling of bleach, but airing out well. I felt very accomplished and positive about it all.

I was still nervous going to the gym from there, but I showed up and worked out anyway. Naturally, I felt good once we got started after the warm-up, and it has been smooth-sailing the rest of the evening and night so far. Before getting ready for bed, I had cooked dinner and prepped my food for school tomorrow, and I had taken my supplements for the fourth time in two days (the right number of times), and I was already noticing differences in my behaviors – improvements. In particular, I peeled a bunch of shrimp that had been in a soupy mess I’d made when cooking them, I bagged up and threw away their peelings, and I cleaned up everything and turned the faucet on and off multiple times all without having any panic. And only the peeling itself had kind of gotten to me a little bit, because there were just so many of them, and I was running out of space in the peelings bowl and the sauce kept squirting around all icky-like. But I just had to breathe and keep calm, and I was able to make it through all 30+ of them before cleaning everything up.

Just this morning, I was having major struggles just turning off a faucet. (Every time I went to turn it off, if I touched even the slightest bit the wrong way, I had to turn it back on and re-wash my hands and try again… I usually got it within three goes, though that was a huge sign that alerted me to my hormones’ being off in the first place the other day. Tonight, however, I didn’t struggle like that. I barely even thought about it.)

All that being said, I’m going to stretch and read and go to bed now – I’m exhausted. And I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I do expect.

Post-a-day 2022

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