I think that I am afraid of being sexy, due to the risk of falling under the description of “sexual”. I believe that there is a time and a place for sexy, and that it is an appropriate way to present oneself in the world… just not myself. Or do I believe it acceptable? …Yes, I do. Sexy, not sexual, is entirely acceptable in my book, given the appropriate time and place. As a teacher at school, no. As someone at a dinner event, yes. Being “hot” is not off limits to me, and yet I believe there is something deep inside of me that is terrified of it. Of being it, I mean.
Perhaps I merely fear that it would be interpreted as a call for sexual intercourse, therefore not only labelling me as “slutty”, but also attracting unwanted advances by men toward that unintended message. I want to be sexy, because I can be sexy, not because I want sex. I want to have the body, because I can have the body, and I find the body entrancingly beautiful. I don’t want it for some man, but for myself and for myself alone. However, I do not want to have to hide it, to keep it only to myself and to avoid allowing others to notice. I want to be able to go into public with it, because it is part of who I am, and I need not be ashamed of it. Just as I have gone into public in my pajamas or with a towel in my hair, I want to be able to go out dressed in “sexy”: comfortably.
Yet where is that distinction between sexy and sexual for me? i would say that it is intention, but I do not feel safe in such a distinction. I do not want to have sex with the people around me, and I do not want them to attempt to or want to have sex with me. But I am still terrified that I will come across that way. Really, though, I must be kidding myself a bit here – I fear this regularly, not just when I dress up or want to dress up. I have this fear present simply in the way I walk or the clothes I wear daily. I envy the way some women dress, and cannot consider my actually wearing the same outfit… even though it is beautiful on them, and likely would be on me, too. Why? Because of this inner terror of coming across as sexual and desiring something specific (i.e. sex) from those around me.
What’s with me? Is this really all just tied to one incident of things been utterly misunderstood about me? I’d like to think that the one incident doesn’t have such power, if any, over me still today. I’m not so sure, though. I will consider this actively over the coming days and weeks…
As though in response to this post from last night, the world presented me with this article tonight, from a pile of my old papers through which I was sorting.