Boyfriends, Partners, and Housemates

Tonight, I taught my first official totally solo yoga class.

Through a series of events involving the teacher suddenly being unable to teach and her not being able to find a sub, I ended up being the sub for the class.

I spent close to an hour preparing everything for class and myself, and then headed downstairs and taught a great class.

I messed up the same little thing I’d messed up in the past with classes, but I noticed it within possibly one minute of my having made the error, and, though it was too late to do anything about it, the fact that I noticed it son immediately is something that I consider, in its way, a win.

Being oblivious to my errors would have been loads worse of a situation.

Fortunately, I noticed it, and almost immediately.

Even with that, the class went really well.

And I actually enjoyed myself.

I wish I had had more time to prepare, but I used the time I had available to me, and I created and taught a great class.

Everyone left in a very positive state of mind, with a sort of cozy smile on each of their faces… gratitude for my teaching.

There was one new person who left right after class ended, and so I wasn’t able to gauge her experience so much… and that might rest in my mind a while…, but I know it is okay and everything was perfect exactly how it happened.

If she did not like the class, then she was meant not to like the class tonight – it does not mean that I am a bad, unlovable person.

It means I was meant to do exactly what I did, and there is something for us all to get out of the experience… just as it would mean if she had totally loved the class.

Anyway….

Oh, I also earned some money by doing this class, which was a delightful and much-appreciated financial bonus.

Sharing all of this is great.

And I really wanted to share it with someone I know…, but I don’t have a someone who listens to all of my sharing and talking… I don’t have someone who wants specifically to hear from me about these many things in my life… I do not have a partner, a someone special, a boyfriend…., or even housemates…

And it left me feeling rather overly spacious tonight, spread out, solo in a group culture… alone.

And not necessarily in a positive way.

So, I figured I would share here – just like how I learned the value of a diary – someone always willing and desiring to hear my every thought and word, if I wish to share them – I can see that this space of sharing and writing is a space that is always waiting and open and interested in what is on my mind… even if I have no one concrete with whom to share…

Yet…

Post-a-day 2019

Gorilla

We did an art and expression exercise at an art and yoga workshop weekend recently in which we had to select a yogic exercise from our yoga set with which we felt some sort of connection.

For whatever reason, Gorilla called to me.

It had felt amazing, pounding on my sore thigh muscles, and the massive power combined with amazing tenderness of the beasts felt somehow homey and welcoming to me… plus, we come front the same family, right?

So, I went with Gorilla.

First, we had to do a movement and make a noise that connected to our experience of that animal.

I sat up in a wide, wide squat, tilted my head downward, and rested my wrists on my thighs, hands hanging in partial fists, and gave a very subtle grunt.

The group tried to get me to howl and bang my chest – some others even did that at the time, supposedly as encouragement for me to do it – but that wasn’t my experience of Gorilla… “I am not an angry Gorilla,” I said.

I am calm…, I thought, so is this Gorilla… that’s why we get along.

Then, we had to select a word or phrase from a set that connected to the animal for us, to our experience of the animal, and I, despite multiple people’s efforts to have me select something else, – think super stereotypical for the anger and rage of gorillas – selected something like Noble Silence…. in my head, it had been more along the lines of Silent Confidence and Majesty, the phrase connected with my experience, and the Noble Silence was the closest of the available options to that idea.

I shared with my mom afterward about to exercise, and she totally got it.

I, as Gorilla, observe comfortably and confidently, and am at ease, but am aware and ready to handle any situation which may arise that might require my attention.

Yes, I can take down any threat to my family…, but I only behave ok such a rough way when needed – gentle, comfortable observation and royal calm is my neutral and natural state.

Throughout the weekend, the Gorilla connection grew for me.

Ever since that weekend, it has stayed with me.

I always wanted to be a cat – like a lion or a Tiger or Puma -, but maybe I am more a Gorilla…?

My spirit animal has never been clear for me…, perhaps because I have always sought it in incorrect animals.

Perhaps monkey holds more of me than any others, after all, despite my almost joking about our shared origins.

I don’t know an answer for all of this, and I’m okay with that… I am merely considering this newfound connection I have with Gorilla… perhaps we are meant to meet one day… I can almost feel the leather of the hands already, the warmth of the skin, and the roughness of the fur.., does it also stink, ever so slightly???… kind of like dogs…

Hmm…

Anyway, I also am singing now in my head Phil Collins’s “Son of Man”, which played in the animated “Tarzan” film years ago… great song, and great film… yeah…

Anyway, perhaps this Gorilla will connect with my recent Bear connection, too, and I will find my animal kingdom family…

Note: It was Deep Listening that I selected from the available cards/phrases… I’ve just remembered.

Post-a-day 2019

Bolo Ram, and have it all

Tonight, I share the words of a meditation we have been doing the past almost-week, which is focused on “wanting nothing”.

Whenever I used to hear the word “want”, I saw it with the view of “desire”.

Ever since I learned German, I see that definition only second, for the original definition and connotation(?) arises first: to lack.

From this perspective, this definition, “wanting nothing” comes across differently.

By the “desire” interpretation, one could have little to nothing or have loads, but desire nothing.

By the original meaning interpretation, one has everything needed and lacks nothing.

I fully prefer the original meaning interpretation for the word “wanting” in this case (and just about everywhere, really).

And so, we have this lovely meditation for “wanting nothing”, aka “lacking nothing”.

Bolo Ram, Bolo Ram, Bolo Ram

Roughly translated, it is, “Let us shout ‘God’ together.”

I have greatly enjoyed this meditation, as well as its intentions.

Post-a-day 2019

P.S. Find a description of the full meditation here and links to the music for the meditation here.

Un Cauchemar

Have you ever had a dream that seems to shake you to your core?

One that seems so real, it is difficult, at first, anyway, to determine that it was not actually real, but just a dream?

And, though I said dream, I more meant nightmare

Last night, – rather, early this morning – I suffered one of these nightmarish, lifelike dreams.

I live in a house that also houses a religious space (like a chapel, but of a different faith) and a yoga studio.

This morning, starting very early, long before sunrise, there was a special morning meditation being hosted.

I was not attending, but I knew about it – similar morning meditations happen regularly.

However, after some recent events, in which one person who comes here regularly did not follow proper protocol for arriving, for cleaning up, nor for closing up after classes, I now always have a slight concern regarding this person’s reliability to fulfill the necessary tasks to keep the location, and, therefore, myself safe.

And so, last night – early this morning, after a potty break around 1am – I had an odd combination dream.

I was living in a different house, but it was clearly meant to be this same house, with me in my top floor apartment/area.

It was this morning, and I awake in the dream to find that no one informed me of the fact that the morning meditation was taking place on the top floor – aka in my room, which is not community space, mind you – but several people have already arrived and are participating in the morning meditation, and my things have all been moved out of the way and rearranged while I was asleep.

It is dark outside, still, due to the early hour.

Eventually, I participate in the meditation, as well as in welcoming new arrivals, and helping them get set up to join the meditation.

At some point, the meditations is ending, but I have to leave, possibly to go to work, and so I am not present for the end of it.

When I arrive home later, everything has been moved in my room to all new places – yes, even different from what had happened early this morning – and nothing makes sense.

Two people are still in my room, and comment, clearly somewhat bothered, on the fact that I am moving my bed to elsewhere in the room (aka where it had been in the first place).

One of the people is that unreliable individual.

I am too tired to care, and I need to go to sleep, because I know I have another very early morning the next day for the gym and work (as usual), so I go to bed and to sleep, while they are still discussing plans for something or other, still in my room for whatever reason.

I fall asleep rather easily, as I am so tired.

Suddenly, hours later, I awaken with a start and a sense of near-panic, as all my hairs are prickling all over my body.

The two from earlier have left.

But someone is in here.

Someone I don’t know.

I knew instinctively that the unreliable duo had not locked the doors to the house properly…

I was in trouble, and I could feel it.

I turn to find a woman in black suit, hair almost shaven, her skin only a few shades lighter than her suit, and her face showing a terrifying emotionless expression… almost animal-like… something in the back of my mind mentions a wolf, like the one from “The Never-Ending Story” a typically I like wolves, but this one was not cool…

Her entire presence speaks and oozes cool rage and the explosion of a pistol – she emanates a silent, fear-inducing aura, and her facial expression never changes… she looks and somehow sees me, and I know she sees me, but she doesn’t acknowledge me… it is clear that she has known of my presence and has been waiting…

My brain processes quickly, and decides to aim for pulling of a guise of ignorant kindness..

‘Hi! You’re here for the event, right?! I’ll take you to it – it’s actually downstairs. I’ll show you. What’s your name? How are you doing today?’

I carefully take her left arm arm in a casual yet ready grip, and then hold her opposite hand’s thumb with my left hand, so it looks like we are arm-in-arm, and then holding outside hands across our bodies… really, I am being extremely sweet and physically loving as a means to keep track of her more effectively – danger is the feeling of her.

Somehow, in this piece of the story, there mixed in a small portion of my trying on clothes for the morning… I currently had on a jacket that I was not going to wear to work, because it was too restricting and tight… and I did not have on my knife, because I was only trying on the clothes, and it was still attached to my actual outfit that I had been wearing… my phone was by my bed, and I missed the chance to grab it when I first jumped up to grab her arm…

I was evaluating my steps, and found concern in my lack of safety, but I couldn’t let go of her now and turn back – I could feel how that was the wrong move, even more so than the others.

And so, we ventured downstairs, arm-in-arm, as I chattered away, and thought of what options there were for me.

No one was awake, so I would have to find a way to get out of the house or call 911 as soon as possible, but without alerting the woman.

I flipped on a light switch st we reached the kitchen…, except that it wasn’t a light switch.

It was a sort of fan, a loud fan… one that could muffle just about any normal sounds.

Bad move – get it off!, I said within myself.

As I reached back to get it back off, I almost lost grip on her.

Before I could get it off and a light on, she was slipping entirely from my grasp, and making a move, stepping away and turning toward me to attack.

Just as I was preparing to run for the knives and then out the door, – I was ready to spring – the real Hannah jolted awake in her bed, sweating everywhere, breathing heavily, goosebumps all over her body, terror-stricken…

It took the real me a while to realize fully that it was a dream – I had to check that no one was in my room… I felt immediately better knowing that I also had locked my specific door before bed.

I was filled with something akin to outrage at the unreliable individual, as I sorted out my feelings and my personal safety, figured out what was dream and what, if anything, was reality.

Even now, as I think back on it, I still find myself wanting to avoid picturing that woman’s face – its lack of expression was frightening, almost like possession…

And the reality of the situation, that someone’s inattention actually could put me in such a situation (because I go to bed reasonably early, and I don’t always get to check all the doors after everyone leaves at night), is still frightening, is still shaking me ever so slightly on the insides…

Even now…

Post-a-day 2019

Family

………………….

Journal entry for August 2, 2019

Today, we learned that C— has no penis…

………………….

This evening was an extended family evening, and a rather wonderful time.

There was chatter, discussion, story-telling, and lots of laughter.

At one point, one of my cousins, G—, shared this delightful story with us, and I knew immediately that I just had to write about it, because it was well worth sharing with the world.

She and her husband have two little girls, approximately aged four years and two years, and then a baby boy aged almost ten weeks.

Her husband, C—, was changing the diaper of the baby boy, and A—, the eldest girl, was observing.

A: Daddy, what’s that?!

C: Uh, well, it’s a penis… it’s because he is a boy… he is a boy, so he has a penis… that’s what makes him a boy, instead of a girl…

A:……. But Daddy, you’re a boy and you don’t have a penis….

C:… Actually, yes, I do have a penis…

A:….. Really?????

Conclusion from my cousin telling the story: Emasculated by a four-year-old. πŸ˜‚

Afterward, my grandma commented that she thought it was such a shame that no one was documenting this sort of thing, – I had already determined that I was definitely writing about it tonight, but I didn’t mention anything about it – and my aunt said that the point was people telling one another stories…

My grandma was worried that the stories get lost, you see, and so my mom leaned over the counter, and starter scribbling with an imaginary pen into an imaginary book, saying aloud, “August 2, 2019: Today, we learned that C— has no penis.”

My uncle, whose son-in-law C— is, and who genuinely likes C—, nearly cried himself out of his chair, he laughed so hard at that – I mean, we all laughed rather hard, but he practically exploded with his laugher.

It was a very good little time tonight. πŸ™‚

Thank you, God, for this blessing.

Note: Yes, yes, I know gender stuff is all up and about right now, however, I am not letting it disturb the hilarity of this particular stupendous father-daughter exchange – the story is not meant to offend in any way; it is merely something that happened that I find wonderful and worth sharing.

P.S. It occurred to me that, while I still am not there with the solo dancing I want to teach in prisons, I am at the very edge of receiving my yoga teacher certification, – a type of yoga that uses lots of meditation and mantra and healing exercises – and I could look into teaching that in prisons… something also incredibly beautiful and powerful and potentially extremely beneficial to those living in prison, especially as part of their preparation to move back into the world outside of prison… So, yeah… I’m suddenly rather inspired to get that certification finished ASAP.

P.P.S. And then, that had me thinking that I might somehow get the opportunity to do portraits of people in prison…. and that could be a beautiful project, be it for their future work portraits or for a neat project of sharing about prisons with the world… yeah… that’s gonna stay on the side in my mind, ready for when the time is right to act on it… definitely… πŸ™‚

Post-a-day 2019

Yoga-yoga

I had my practicum – a practice session – for my yoga teacher training today (and then my friend and I watched “The Bachelorette”, but that’s a different story).

And I passed!

Yay!

I mean, we (my mom and I) we’re both extremely confident that I would pass, however, 1) I was still nervous, and 2) I still had to do it and get through it in order to pass it…, but I did it.

Now, I need only attend twelve more yoga classes, and then turn in my (digital) paperwork, and I’ll become a certified yoga teacher.

I have lots more to do right now, this month and week, too, but, what’s funny and wonderful to me about this all, it is all stuff I kind of really, really enjoy doing… so, I’m excited for the everything I have to do these next few days and weeks – I am patiently and determinedly awaiting my awakening tomorrow, so that I might begin on the first of many tasks for the day and the week.

It doesn’t pay much money yet, but it pays some and it delights greatly, so this whole pursuing what I love to share with the world deal is going really awesomely so far, and I love it.

Totally.

For now, though, sleep and rest, so that I might be a boss tomorrow at what happens then(!). πŸ˜€

Post-a-day 2019

Yoga, again

I sat for my yoga teacher exam yesterday.

Today, I received a message from the course teacher, informing me that I passed with a 93% grade on the exam.

Woohoo!

She even threw in a little thumbs up icon at the end of the message.

So, now all I have to do is to teach a practice class next week, and then attend as a regular student twelve more yoga classes… and then I will be certified as a yoga teacher.

This weekend, I need to figure out how to get those yoga classes completed before the end of the month… being on a tight budget doesn’t really allow for a sudden burst of spending like that, so I have to figure out trades and discount classes, and just find a way to make it all happen.

Which, I am confident, I can and will do… I just have to do it, and I have just about two and a half weeks to make it happen.

So, let’s do this.

Yay!

Post-a-day 2019