It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.

But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.

So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.

Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

The flood waters rise

Perhaps this is a temporary theme in my life right now.  Every year, right at this time, there is a sort of uncomfortable and somewhat scary experience with water.  Last year’s event had to do with the ocean and life, and this year’s is rain and houses.  Last year, I began a journey of self-discovery in the sense of never apologizing for who I am.  This is not to say that I shove things into people’s faces – by no means.  I must still be responsible for who and how I am, however, I need not change myself or my ways for fear of offense or even not fitting in.  In other words, I need not apologize via actual words (e.g. “I’m sorry.”) nor by altering my intended actions (e.g. Suddenly shaving my legs, because it is a cultural standard).  I have spent this past year truly learning how to live that in my daily life.  And the lesson is certainly not finished, as I continue in it every day.  I even fail sometimes, but it happens less and less often, and every instance empowers me, no matter the outcome.

This year, we have a hurricane-turned-tropical storm that has decided to cleanse the Greater Houston Area, and then some.  Hurricanes are typical around here at this time of year.  However, the amount of rain caused in five days by a particularly bad hurricane many years ago, has been dropped to the Earth in only two days this weekend.  And the rain clouds still have another three to five somewhat sedentary days of pouring before they are expected to move along.  We have breaks – there’s one right now – in the rain, so that helps with spirits considerably.  However, not all of the city is above the 100-year flood plane, as we are here.  My sister and her family live in a particularly terrible flooding area, and somehow hitched a ride on a canoe this afternoon, and ended up at a nearby church for safe shelter – her house had what looked like a foot of water inside it, despite its being several feet above the level of the road.  Supposedly, as they were all leaving (two other families were in their house, since they had still had power [the floor was still dry at the time], making it around, I’d guess, 13 people, five of them children aged five years and under), the water had reached the base of the stop sign at the corner by her house.

While my sister has done a good job of keeping spirits throughout the day, and even sent out an adorable photo of two of the kids in a super inflatable boat/raft that one might use for tubing, I have wondered what her thoughts are on all of her things in their house.  It is quite likely that they will lose a huge chunk of their possessions.  In the aforementioned photo, I saw family paintings on the walls, and wondered at them.  They have such a huge history with family arguments and disagreements and, I think, even some police involvement.  Not those particular paintings in her house necessarily, but paintings by that particular family member.  It just had me wonder about the point of it all.  Why did they all argue and share so much anger over things that now could disappear so easily from our lives?  And then I wonder, “Why do we do that with any material objects?”  Anything could be lost at any given moment for this or that reason.  Why do we care so much about these objects in the first place?

And so, I wonder if that is this year’s work.  It has already been on my mind off and one the past few weeks and couple or few months, and this past year’s topic was the same last year, being on my mind here and there already months before my water incident.  And, also like last year, I am granted the option to pursue the idea, to learn by will instead of by requirement or force of any kind.  My house and things are safe right now, and are likely to continue to be safe from this entire storm.  The question is simply one of how much I am willing to let go of the things that I own.  I am scared, but in a very good way.

Post-a-day 2017

Trading Good for Great

One of the hardest things for me in life is giving up something good.  And I don’t mean just giving it up, in any sense.  I think I really mean giving up something good, when the only purpose is to make space for something better.  ‘What I already have is wonderful.  Why do I want to give it up, and risk having nothing in the end?’  For whatever reason, I believe that a sort of fairy tale is in progress in my life.  Anything is possible, and I am determined to have an amazing life.  Perhaps I have a separate sense for this kind of feeling, and perhaps I’m just filled with a sort of wishful thinking, likely inspired by film and novels.  (Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books, after all.)  I don’t know.  I do know, however, that every time I have let go of something that has been “good” or less, something better has just shown up for me.  The newer, better something is almost effortless in having it become part of my life.  The hard part is letting go of the former, not-as-good something.

For clarity, imagine, well I don’t know right now.  I can’t seem to think of anything specific from my life right now.  (I am rather exhausted from having stayed up late for a friend who needed a place to stay last night, and then ending up chatting together, catching up, until way into the morning hours of nighttime.  It was great finally seeing this particular friend again, but it has left me wiped tonight!)  Well, let’s talk generally, then, on a common matter.  Just watched Sleepless in Seattle again.  If she had stayed with her wonderful Walter, life would have been nice; she could have gotten on just finely with her Walter for the rest of her days.  But, she had a sense of there being something more, something even better than her Walter out there for her.  By letting go of her Walter, she created the space in her life for Sam.  And, frankly, it seems Annie and Sam were MFEO (made for each other), just as the young children had somewhat declared.  So, Annie let go of something good, and something spectacular arrived in the space created by Walter’s departure from Annie.

Does that make better sense?  I think it’s still iffy on my description tonight, but we’ll let it stand for now, so I can go to sleep.  😛

Anyway, I’m terrified to let go of what I know is not the best for me, but that is currently “good” and “decent” for me in my life.  Absolutely terrified.  And I know that I must first let go of it, in order to create the space for something amazing to come along.  Deep breath, Hannah.  Deep breath.  🙂


Post-a-day 2017