Current Stresses

Here is an incomplete list of my current stresses:

• I’m not good enough for my man and I am failing at just about everything I agreed to do and wanted to do in our relationship
• I can’t support us financially
• I’m not even contributing financially right now
• I’m not getting through my courses fast enough 1)to be able to do meaningful-to-me work or 2)to contribute financially, let alone 3)to support us financially
• I’m really upset with my body’s current status in terms of fitness
• I feel responsible for the state of fitness and the stress my man has around his state of fitness right now
• I have stupid acne – a kind I haven’t had since high school or college – that showed up on my face, and I can’t seem to shake it
• I have a miniature stress session every night when I have to get ready for bed, because I have to go in and out of what is mentally my safe space after showering (because the sink still hasn’t been replaced)
• I don’t know how to replace the sink myself without messing things up
• Same thing regarding the handle on the drawer in my desk
• I can’t seem to get enough sleep, and so am exhausted most of the day most days
• By being stressed, my body is off-put by the idea of food, making the whole fitness situation even worse
• My gym plays music too loudly now – it wasn’t this loud in the past – including at the classes that actually were still okay just recently
• I have trouble focusing on my work when I’m in the same office/room as my man – he’s too ADHD for me when I’m focusing on something, and it distracts me immensely
• I haven’t sorted out the rest of my stuff after moving it into the house, and so I don’t actually have anywhere else to go to work (that doesn’t cost money)
• Going through all the classes at Church to join the Church officially has kind of off-put my man to Church-related activities outside of Mass on Sundays… which includes marriage prep-type-stuff
• The marriage prep-type stuff feels almost pointless anyway right now, because we’re waiting on that annulment, anyway
• We’re going to keep waiting on that annulment until the other people who agreed to help with it do their part
• People agreed to help with the annulment and are being non-responsive and not showing any care or concern whatsoever at the fact that their participation literally affects our future and our daily lives
• People not responding to things period has been really getting to me lately
• This includes that I invited people to my birthday party, and they didn’t even acknowledge that I did so, let alone show up for the celebration
• Maybe those people don’t need to be in my life right now – also stressful to consider, seeing as how I was the one who picked them to be in my life in the first place…
• Do I just have crappy judgement right now? Or sometimes? Or always?
• Am I even pursuing the right things with my life currently?
• For some reason, I want to marry on a Thursday – Thursdays are important to me. Churches seem only to offer weddings on Saturdays…
• It makes me feel sick even to consider planning for a wedding reception right now, while I cannot contribute financially.
• I don’t want to be around people smoking or who smell of smoke, period.
• I especially don’t want to be touched by or be near such people during parties I am having, including my wedding, nor do I want them smoking at my wedding.
• I don’t like drunk people.
• I don’t want to pay for the creation of drunk people, and I don’t exactly want to pay for anyone’s alcohol at our wedding.
• I haven’t figured out how to share stresses with my man without pissing him off…
• Which stresses me out even more, not being able to share myself openly and just be heard
• My man doesn’t seem to understand that, oftentimes, I just need to say how I feel about something, and that’s enough for me to let it go and be over it.
• My man keeps feeling like he’s wrong or messed up or not enough or something like that, all because of what I say and do
• Why do I keep making him feel that way? What am I doing so wrong?
• Why do we still have gnats in the house?
• My hands are getting drier than ever all of a sudden…
• Why can’t I get all the house stuff DONE already???
• Why can’t I get house stuff and school stuff done, all together in a day, multiple days a week?
• Why do I feel fat and weak and failing at so much right now?
• There’s dog hair on the insides of my house sandals.
• This coffee table we had made in Mexico keeps spitting out bugs that apparently were nested inside of it. There’s yet another one lying on the floor now, this time in the bathroom, across the house from the table and not in the direction of the door to outside (which is where the others have all headed so far).
• My foot hurts, and I don’t know why nor how to fix it.
• I cost too much money.
• That fact kind of makes me dislike myself.
• I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with my man anymore… I miss him. I miss being present together, spending time together intentionally.
• I feel like it’s all my fault.

……….

That’s just what’s on my mind right now, as I get ready for bed.

God, take it all, please. Please, take it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023