Month: June 2024

It feels like things might be getting better on the nausea front each day, though in a very minimal way. Baby steps. Ha – literally, I suppose.

Nonetheless, it is still immensely difficult to function and to exist, but it seems a tad bit more doable each day to eat food and feel a touch better. It isn’t any easier to figure out the food, but I seem to be that much more capable of eating it, once I do find it.

Today was still immensely difficult. I ended up, basically, eating a lot of cheese. String cheese and macaroni (gluten-free, of course) and cheese were the bulk of my dinner. I guess I had a bowl of oatmeal and a scrambled egg this morning, but then I had some Brazi Bites, which are baked cheese in a bread-like form, and then some fruit and my dinner stuff. It definitely wasn’t a solid amount of food, but I accept it for today. The goal is to do better tomorrow. I went to the grocer this evening in order to get my mac’n’cheese, and just walked around to find other things that sounded eatable, too. I found a small handful of items that I think will make tomorrow easier than today.

Baby steps.

God, make us well and keep us safe, please. Keep my husband safe, too. Bless this family, that we pursue and fulfill your will while being our best selves. Thank you for this chance. Help me to do it all without nausea, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today has been a really long day. My husband’s alarm went off and freaked me awake rather early today, just as I had actually fallen asleep – remember, nights don’t really involve restful sleep until my stomach has digested fully, so I have been falling asleep just as the sun is coming up. And he isn’t the best at getting out of bed, so I always end up being hyper-aware of whether he’s gotten up yet or not, whenever he has an alarm. And he rarely gets up at the first alarm, so his very loud alarm, much louder than my own, typically means that I’m waking up, no matter if I actually wanted to get up or am desperate for any sleep I can get – yes, I have asked, and no, it hasn’t really changed much. One of those adjustments we haven’t yet resolved.

Nonetheless, today started with waking up just as I was falling asleep, and then waiting around stressedly for it to be late enough to go to my chiropractic appointment at midday. I attempted these gluten-free pancakes I’d gotten with my dad Sunday – they had just needed to be cooked through a bit more for my current taste buds… and always taste buds, actually. But, even with cooking them further in a pan, the center never really stopped feeling raw-like and tacky. So, once I started feeling utterly ill trying to eat that, I gave up. I had two pieces of gluten-free cinnamon-raisin toast instead. Not enough, but all I could handle this morning after the pancake gagging.

I mined in the sofa for a while, then got a smoothie that helped on the way to the appointment. Afterward, I went first to one terrible restaurant to which I never will return, and then I went to an old family favorite noodle place with mixed Asian cuisine. When I walked into the second restaurant, I sniffed the air tentatively and was relieved to find it okay for me. It was quite tolerable, even a bit comfortable. The original restaurant I had wanted apparently closed down who knows how long ago, so this was an effort to get some Vietnamese Bùn, which is basically a boatload of riced vermicelli noodles with chopped lettuce, jalapeños, and (today) fried tofu with a great topping sauce. Since I couldn’t get the one I really wanted, rather than bothering with any more new places, I just went for an alternate version of the dish that seemed acceptable. The sauce is a bit different, but the general dish was the same, and I knew I could get the tofu spring rolls there. So, I went and it worked out well.

I originally ordered the dish to go and the spring rolls for immediately. But I sat at a table to eat the spring rolls and drink the awesome super-iced water the guy brought me, and was able to stay there and eat most of the vermicelli dish, too. I had worried about the smell of the place, but ended up being fine, especially after eating the first spring roll.

It felt like an hour later – yes, I even rested my eyes a bit while I focused on processing effectively the food I was eating (pregnancy has made food terrible and difficult, so this pausing and focus and intentionality were absolutely necessary) – that I finally headed home. I stopped at a Target on the way, but it is such a lame version of the store. It used to be a small Randall’s that was converted, and it just never has even half of what a normal Target carries, include the store-brand items one would think it would have. So, I got one of the five things on my list, and went home to rest.

I struggled with digestion the next few hours on the sofa, finished my leftovers, had an unexpected and intense but short nap around 7pm or so, and then forced down some ice cream and a bowl of cereal and part of a rice cake to make sure I got something in me for dinner. Now, I’m in bed, miserable, of course, working very hard not to think about what foods I will be able to eat tomorrow. (It is the main thing I despise about life right now, figuring out food. It is such a miserable hassle and makes me feel like giving up multiple times a day and most of the night.) It just feels like four days happened today, so much happened and so much energy was spent. I am immensely exhausted. But I have hit the point that I have given myself over to God. Otherwise, I would not be able to make it, not truly.

God, guide me, please. Into your hands I rest my life and this baby’s life. Keep us close to you, make us well, heal our aches, and help us to be our best selves. Nourish us, that we may follow you freely and fully together. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, today was actually Monday, so that’s of glimpse of how my brain is working right now. Nonetheless, I got to see an old classmate from high school in her home just down the road this afternoon. That was nice, just being elsewhere that was homey and having someone else kind of watch out for me and make me tea, give me cut up fruit. It wasn’t much in terms of physical effort on her part, but it made a huge difference for me today. I am grateful.

Then, when I got home, my husband had not successfully cleared out that smell from the house – he cooked beef while I was gone, which is a smell my body cannot stand right now – so I was instantly ill. I sat in my car for maybe half an hour before going into the bedroom to watch a show in my laptop. Unfortunately, the smell was still too much for me and was making me slowly very sick.

So, I got out of the house. Fortunately, my aunt had sent me a message to let me know she was in town for 24 hours or so right as I was determining that I needed to leave. So, I picked her up from my grandma’s place and we went to a Thai food place just up the road. It was a great time together, and the smell of the restaurant didn’t get to me. The food, however, was so rich and delicious, it was a bit more than I can actually handle right now. It’ll be great to go back not pregnant in the future, but it was hard to stomach today. My aunt was in love with the food, though, which really made me happy. I haven’t often seen her so delighted recently, and it was great to have provided her with that source of joy.

Now, I’m back home, showered and getting ready for bed. I manage to brush my teeth without incident – had to go no-toothpaste for the tongue – and the food seems to be lower down than it was sitting earlier. Both good things. I am hoping to sleep tonight. I can do this.

God, help me to sleep well tonight while keeping this baby alive and well and safe. Keep my husband safe, please. Release me from the illness of this pregnancy and help me to be nourished by it, that I may nourish this baby in return. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I had a bad gag reflex as a child. Anyone in my family could tell you that. It was bad, only surpassed by my cousin Jared, who had an absurdly bad reflex out of which he, unfortunately, did not much grow. We both improved, but mine got to a more normal and functional level for life than his. Nonetheless, I had gotten to be mostly normal in this reflex.

Now, however, I’m worse than even Jared was as a child. Brush my teeth. Gag. Rinse my mouth out. Gag. Drink non-nearly-freezing water. Gag. Cry for the stress. Gag. Finally relax and go use the bathroom. Gag. Wash my hands in Houston (meaning the cold water is not cold right now). Gag. Step into the sunlight. Gag. Continuously.

This absolutely sucks.

God, help release me from this nausea while keeping our baby safe and well, please. Keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Insocdessfully went to a restaurant this evening with my family. They all knew my situation, so that helped, but the place didn’t have much of a scent, so that really helped.

However, though I was kind of able to eat, I ended up with a massive stomachache by the end of it, and started gagging at the sight of any leftovers… and just about any food or drink I saw the rest of the night. I have been miserable since then.

I’m sitting in bed now, considering whether I might go to sleep anytime soon, as my body is acting like we need to repeat last night, in which we sprinted multiple times to the bathroom until I finally had an absolutely miserable bowel release. Not to mention that the foulness of it nearly made me hurl while it was still happening.

Yes, this pregnancy so far sucks. Totally.

God, help to ease the nausea and pains within me, please. Help me to find joy and ease at this opportunity. Release me from the misery I am mostly experiencing all day and night. Make me especially well while I grow this baby, please. Keep us all safe, my husband especially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

One would think it might get better. Not necessarily in the sense of actually improving, but at least in the sense of adjustment and adaptation. After so many days of intense nausea and gas and bloating, one would think I’d grow accustomed to it, numb to it somewhat, and feel perceptibly better, though the circumstances won’t have changed. However, the actual nausea and gas have improved, but I am just as miserable as I was around two weeks ago when it all started to be intense and miserable.

God, help me to find relief from the nausea and gas, please, while keeping a healthy pregnancy going. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Keep my husband safe, please. Thank you for this chance to trust in you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Still nauseous. Still gassy. Still miserable. And, since this is the second time around, my belly shows rather obviously already what’s going on on the inside.

This next week has me hopeful that things could turn better on the illness front. Supposedly, weeks 6-9 are the worst. This week and a half-ish has been absolutely dreadful, and we’re in the middle of week eight right now. So, fingers crossed, it will improve and we all will be well together within the next week.

God, keep us safe, please. Make us all well and happy and holy together. Make this pregnancy a very good one, please, and help me to feel well as our child grows well. Keep my husband safe, please. Thank you for this opportunity. Show me always clearly my next steps in pursuing and fulfilling your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It hurts. It is filling my belly almost constantly, and it is pressing very hard against everything. It really, really aches.

God, please, help me to release this gas instantly going forward. Help me to find comfort and ease on this pregnancy. Make me and the baby well, please. Keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

We do not often combine the ideas of a parasitic relationship and pregnancy. However, from recent experience, it seems very much to be so that pregnancy is, indeed, a parasitic relationship. No, it – well, usually, anyway – doesn’t end with the host’s mortality being met. But the feeding entity does take directly from the host, and the host has no control over what it loses to the feeding body. The only way for the host to survive it is to guarantee the survival of the feeder. Once it is strong enough to live on its own, the host is able to operate for its own care and function once again.

And, of course, the hope is that the baby is a better version of a being than the parent was. Just as is expected in the outcome of parasitic relationships…

Just saying. It might not meet every specific of such relationships and their common features. But it certainly aligns with that more so than the other relationships in nature.

God, help me to be well as this baby grows into its own well, happy, holy being. Keep my husband safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

***Bathroom stuff mentioned – be warned***

My current daily routine is to stay in bed as long as I can stand, then get up out of necessity by eight and have horrible, painful diarrhea (I’ve had it daily for weeks, even multiple times a day half the days, but it is now worse than it has been, and by a lot.). Then, when it seems like my belly might be settled, I have a single sip of water before climbing back into bed to sleep as long as possible before my stomach begins to ache differently from lack of nutrition.

Then, I get up and scramble with trepidation to create a breakfast that I actually can consume, let alone that won’t make me have a terrible stomachache in a few hours – all the gluten stuff does that to me, though they are the main things that ease the nausea… ironic, I know. The past two days, it has been a fried egg taco with only a bit of salt. (Oh, and I can’t actually talk about or smell food. Those both makes me sick, too. Even writing that just now made me feel sick.)

Then I remember to take my vitamins, and I get to feel extremely nauseous for a while again. Then I scramble the rest of the day to find anything I can eat and drink without repercussions, and trade back and forth between attempting to snack, holding my belly and mouth, napping to avoid the world, and rushing to the bathroom. I am both too hot and too cold all day long – too cold makes me feel common cold-like sick, and too hot makes me want to vomit. Trying to do anything on the phone makes me want to vomit. I make myself go for at least one walk. Unfortunately, it is painfully hot out this time of year here, and the sun also makes me want to vomit when it hits my skin for more than a second. And throw in a bit of irrational crying here and there, just for fun (meaning it is not fun).

And by the way, when I say it makes me feel sick, I mean in an absolutely incapacitating way. I cannot function. I can barely move and talk, let alone make my brain operate normally.

When I finally shower and get ready for bed, the hot water makes me feel sick, but the cold makes my body physically miserable. I get into bed, exhausted, and can’t lie down, because I’m feeling suddenly way more sick than I was feeling just a while beforehand. I then sit in bed, avoiding for a while, pray for some gas to release, and eventually moan and grown very loudly as I force myself to lie down, though at an angle. I then shift and moan in misery for a while, before I finally pass out for two hours. Then I wake up, needing to pee, go to the bathroom, and then get back in bed to find that I have way too much gas inside me and I cannot fall back asleep. I then struggle for the next several hours, going in and out of very restless and unsatisfying sleep, before my stomach finally seems empty around six AM, and I sleep semi-normally for another two more hours.

Then it repeats.

It feels like I’m not getting anything done and like I’m just avoiding life right now. I suppose, in a way, I am accomplishing very much – it just isn’t visible yet. And I’m not wasting my days. They just have more of a tight focus on what they’re dedicated to doing right now, and there isn’t room for anything else most of the time. Still makes it hard not to feel depressed and lazy and like I’m failing to accomplish anything at all.

You can see, I’m really not doing so well with the mind over matter here. Being so nauseous and having such intense – I mean, I look several months pregnant at certain points in the day because of the gas buildup – bloating is not going well for me and getting anything done other than crying and groaning.

If I look at the full forecast, I just start to cry. I have to do it David Goggins style. Just one more rep. I can’t even look at the whole day at a time. Just one step at a time – whatever is the very next thing on the list. Beyond that, I start to freak and feel like it is an impossible task.

Things have been immensely harder this time compared to last time. I am taking it as a good sign, that everything on the inside is doing what it’s supposed to do to grow a healthy, living human being. That doesn’t mean that I don’t grow slightly hopeless at times. It sometimes does feel impossible to get through any more of this physical misery, let alone weeks, possibly months, of it. It is said that the hormones after birth make the mother forget how hard any of it was to get to the point of having the actual child in her arms. If I can get to that point, I can accept all of this.

However, I have certainly noticed within myself these past few days that, if it somehow didn’t work out this time, I’m not sure I’d be willing to go through it yet again for an undesired outcome. Suffering is worth it when joy results. But suffering for suffering is a hard one to choose willingly. I know that God will take care of us. That doesn’t mean I have any idea how that will look, though. I can ask and do my best for certain outcomes, but it isn’t ultimately up to me. That’s sometimes very hard for me to swallow. This suffering is definitely one of those times.

Dear God, please, help me to find easier function in life throughout this pregnancy. Help me to grow the healthy child we long to have while also being and feeling well enough to operate on a functional level, please. Please, help to relieve this nausea. Please, help. Keep us both safe, make us both well and strong, please. Keep my husband always safe. Thank you for this opportunity. Please, help me to be well with it. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024