Month: July 2024

The crucifixion – the fruit of this mystery is perseverance.

……

Praying the rosary tonight, it hit me that my current experiences have felt much like my own personal version of Jesus’s path to and through crucifixion. I am currently in great suffering. It has felt many times like I cannot do it. I have prayed to God to release me from the torture, yet have trusted and accepted His will and have longed for a successful completion of these miserable steps, for I believe there is much love and joy and glory on the other side of it all. Especially tonight, it occurred to me how much it does tie into the crucifixion, though. The I that I am and have been will not be the same I on the other side of this all. As Jesus did, I will have to suffer further torment on the cross that I currently carry, and I necessarily will cease to exist, all for God’s will. And, through that death, I will be reborn as the resurrected self, the ultimate version of myself that God has always been calling me to be.

Take it as you will. This just happened to occur to me tonight. And the perseverance part of it felt entirely valid for me. Plus, the carrying of the cross has the fruit of patience. Talk about having patience right now… we have six more months of only God knows what suffering, followed by a guaranteed difficult event, before we reach the glory of God.

God, grant me the patience to accept this timeline and this suffering exactly as they are. Relieve me of this nausea, if it be your will. Make this baby well. Keep me and the baby and my husband safe, please. Hold us in your hands. Help us to be our best selves each day and night. Thank you for this life and this love. Help us to embrace them both fully. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I don’t get people.

They find out that I am pregnant and utterly miserable with nausea. And what do they do thirty seconds later? Start showing me pictures of some baby someone recently had and talking to me all about this other person’s baby, whom I never even will meet and usually whom I have never heard of, by the way. I don’t normally care to see photos of random people’s newborn babies in the first place. Why would I want to see them now, when I am hating the experience of getting to motherhood? So I can feel more frustrated about how much longer I have to suffer before I can my own newborn? Because that’s what happens. Every time.

Ugh…

Also, the maid was kind of a total jerk today, and it sucked. We overpaid for a service because we were in desperate need. The service was also crappily done. I didn’t ever complain to the cleaning team or their boss. I asked a few questions about cleaning products and what all was included. She asked me directly to tell her if there was anything I wanted done differently or better. So, I sent two photos after the next cleaning, just to show how the bathroom was literally not clean, and I asked very kindly that the bathroom have more attention than the rest of the house. She said we have a lot of stuff and it’s hard to get through everything each time. I agreed with her and said again, as I had said when we first met, that the bathrooms were the most important thing to me and where we really wanted the help in the first place. She said they’d do better the next time on it. The only difference the next time was that they opened up and rearranged our entire cabinet storage in the bathroom… one of the few areas in our home that actually are very intentionally arranged, and that I personally feel is an off-limits thing – don’t mess with people’s toothbrushes and all when they’re hidden away in a cabinet. Nonetheless, my husband was also very frustrated by it and has never liked the service, he’s been much more against it than I have, and he’s had maids throughout his life. He just felt like they did a terrible job here, and I eventually had to agree. For what we were paying, they really weren’t doing an appropriate job, nor were they doing everything they claimed to be doing – if you clean all the doors, then why does this door have visible dust on every indented area? Anyway, I sent her a message today and thanked her for all her help, said we won’t move using her service anymore, as it doesn’t offer what we need; but thank you, again, and I wish you good luck. She replied with an ‘Okay, gracias,’ and then eventually sent another message saying that, ‘the truth is, of all her clients, I complain the most, and, though they tried very hard, they never could please me’. What the actual, people?(!!!!!!!!) I just don’t see how the interactions I had with her equate to complaining, let some complaining the most and never being able to be pleased. In all fairness, we weren’t pleased with the service. But we never communicated that and always gave the benefit of the doubt. Plus, we were grateful for the help. We wished it were better help, but we were still grateful. And by asking once, after her saying to do so, for them to do a better job on the one room I had always said was what really mattered to us, I because the client who complains the most and can never be pleased. The irony is infuriating. I fought so hard for her and her team with my husband – he wanted them gone from the start. He then extra wanted them gone over a month ago, but I fought to keep them. The lady seemed very much not grateful for this fact. Aaaaarrghjjhgggaaahhh!!!!!!!

Stop being so mean, people(!). Please(!). It really, really sucks.

Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with her anymore, so I can move onward in life. Just have to finish being pissed off – and figure out why I’m so particularly infuriated, so I can let it go – and then I’ll be free to wander forward happily in life.

Ugh.

People sometimes really suck.

God, heal my sore tummy, please, while making my baby healthy and well and growing well with me. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today, we had a celebratory meal with the family of my husband’s friend and former co-worker. Their children are also my husband’s godchildren. Nonetheless, I thought we were just having a meal with them. I didn’t know until the husband specifically commented about it that it was to celebrate our pregnancy.

Gee, Hun, thanks for filling me in… 😂

Nonetheless, I had a good time. And I think my husband did, too. I got a little overwhelmed at times, as the kids can get really loud and the house echos amazingly loudly, and the kids can also get a little close at times. But we stayed for about five hours and it was a mostly enjoyable time for all.

I particularly enjoyed how, right after we arrived, when I sat on the sofa, the dog immediately came over to me and snuggled right up to my belly. I barely know this dog and she has never done anything like it before with me. The wife commented almost immediately, “She knows you’re pregnant… She’s protecting you.” And it really seemed to be true. She just perfectly aligned herself to be touching my belly but not to be pushing on it or anything. I worried at first that I wouldn’t like being touched on my belly, but something about how the dog curled up against me actually felt immediately like a balm. It was awesome. I am especially grateful for that. I have been so physically lonely lately, it was perfectly what I needed.

Thank you, God, for the friends and the love today. Please, make us all well and keep us all safe. And, please, make my body healthy and strong and well, especially in my blood. Help me to eat appropriately to be well after the blood tests tomorrow. And, please, help us sort comfortably through all the financials involved with this current and each next stage of our lives. Thank you for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I sent this to a recent friend who had gone to high school with me. She has been very helpful and very accepting of all of what’s been going on for us lately. I very much value her and am grateful for all her support, simple as it may seem.

………

Hey, did you ever have anything where people kind of looked down on you, because you weren’t as far along as someone else?
I had an odd experience at a baby shower today
Multiple people kind of seemed to be condescending to me about how I wasn’t ‘very far along’. But they weren’t at all the same to the girl who is literally a week and a half further along
I was just kind of ‘Wtf, people?’
I also felt negativity around my wanting to wait until birth to know if it’s a boy or girl. Again, I was very ‘wtf?’ Because what does it actually matter? I don’t get it…

………..

I had a positive time as a whole at the shower, and I am glad that I went. But it was also odd at times. The freezing cold house made everything worse for me physically, and I felt almost instantly miserable after arrival, despite having brought a thick and warm jacket. The cold makes me feel like I have something flu-like these days, and increases my discomfort and nausea as a whole. So, I wasn’t feeling so hot at the shower because of that. And then the comments of ‘once you’re further along, it’ll get so much better’ from the person who was never even as bad as I was today – which, by the way, already is a thousand times better than I was just a couple weeks ago… I was literally incapacitated… I did not function… so, my tough time at the shower today was nothing compared to how bad it was for me – and who is claiming I’ll be better once I’m in the second trimester… Oh, you mean the trimester that I started two weeks ago? That one will heal me? Fun fact, folks: Second trimester’s start already made me loads better. It just still sucks this much for me. My pregnancy is different from y’all’s. Nothing wrong with that, by the way. But please don’t condescend to me and ignore what I’ve already told you about my experience, and keep saying I’ll be better when I’m further along and finally in the second trimester.

Ugh.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, thank you for listening, folks who are entirely uninvolved. Remember that you are already good enough as you are. Progress and improvements can always be made – we can always be better than we are in this moment. But we are already good enough right now, exactly as we are.

Thank you, God, for helping me attend the event today and do a decent job despite feeling so unwell. Help my husband to accept my feelings and experiences and support me through them. Help me to communicate effectively to my husband. Help us tog row more and more together and with you. Keep my husband safe, please. Heal me of this nausea and grow our baby well. Help our family to expand safely and beautifully through this child. Thank you for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I have a baby shower to attend tomorrow. We got them the butt spatula and a set of books that have my husband’s name in the title. The first, because it is silly but helpful, the second because it is just silly. And books are helpful in life, too, I suppose. But mostly because the name part was silly to me.

I didn’t know it was only for women at first. It didn’t say on the invitation. Just that it was a shower to celebrate their second kid. But when I replied that ‘we should be able to make it,’ she said it wasn’t a couples shower. I didn’t think it necessarily was, but I was planning to bring my husband, because he’s their friend, too, and because I was stupid sick and didn’t really want to go anywhere on my own almost ever. However, she mentioned that her husband probably would be looking for something to do, so mine could probably do something with him. So, good – they could go play together, I guessed.

I told my husband to reach out. He did. And now, the night before the two-hour shower at noon, I am alone at home, because the boys went down to the other couple’s camper at the coast for the night, so they can fish in the morning.

::eye roll

I wanted him to help me out for two hours. Instead, I got him a free fishing trip and left myself to fend for myself tonight and all day tomorrow. The irony. Haha

Anyway, I hope he has a great time. He has been very stressed lately, and almost constantly busy. He could use some rest and some rest that isn’t with me. We had the weekend at my uncle’s hotel-like house in Wimberley this past weekend, but I am still a lot to manage. A low-maintenance night and day with a guy friend, doing outdoorsy stuff sounds just perfect for him right now. Likely, the friend needs it, too.

God, help us all to sleep well tonight, please. Help the guys to have a safe and wonderful, relaxing, and fulfilling time on their mini-trip this weekend. Help to heal the nausea I have still been experiencing, and please make the baby safe and well. Help us all to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I very much dislike politics. A good friend of mine works in politics and loves it, but I can imagine the lifestyle and the nonsense that necessarily comes with it. She gets to be part of doing good in the world, but has to be surrounded by and often receive lots and lots of junk. I think it would age me and depress me massively after not too long of a while.

One thing that has always hugged me about politics is that people cannot seem to take the ideas and opinions of others as ideas and opinions. At least, not in this country. When I lived in France, I was blown away with how people often would be good friends with someone who had some opposing belief to their own belief, and sometimes a fundamental one. They could discuss fervently their opposing viewpoints, and then happily offer another round of drinks to one another. They often genuinely discussed opposing viewpoints and then accepting something new in each of their own views, having received it from the other’s viewpoint. It was both mind-boggling and awesome to witness. It was something I very intentionally took home with me.

And then I even forgot about where I got it. Haha 😛

I truly enjoy hearing the opposite viewpoint on things. Even when it feels someone if beyond wrong about something, I often ask to hear that person’s view. Usually, there is value in it, and it can become truly understandable to me. Sure, that doesn’t mean the logic in it is flawless or the knowledge within it is accurate. But it is understandable. And it helps me not only to work with that individual, but also to see the world around me all the more clearly. It helps me understand people and their ways of thinking all the more, and it helps me thereby be a better and more loving person.

However, people still rarely get to hear my own opinions. I get along very well with people with whom I disagree on many things. But only so long as they don’t know that we disagree. Our culture is so strongly tied to offense at disagreement, that most people leave my acquaintance if they ever discover that we disagree on whatever it may be. And they do so without discussion. In fact, they won’t discuss in the first place, the moment they discover we disagree. That makes it all the more sad to me, though, because that is exactly the time to discuss with one another.

Good people are good people. No matter if they agree on every detail about life. And they don’t need to agree on every detail about life. But politics creates this world in which, if you and I do not agree on every detail, we must be enemies. There is no real in-between. There is no discussion. There is no consideration for the different experiences and events within our respective lives, or the different information we may each have received or how we may have interpreted it or what we may have understood it to mean. If we are not fully on the same side, we are on opposite sides. And we cannot be around each other or be friends or even discuss further to understand one another’s opinion.

And it’s just so sad.

There’s a guy who does documentaries. He asks real questions to the perfect people on topics that have become incredibly controversial. And I love that he is asking the questions to those who society says have the answers to them. But he often does it very condescendingly, sometimes even degradingly. I wish he would ask from a place of curiosity first, then make conclusions based on the results. Even though he tends to have appropriate conclusions beforehand, there is no need to be condescending. It’s rude, frankly. And it takes away a lot of the value of the inquiry, and limits the audience to mostly those who already had predetermined their own negative and condescending opinions on the topic before ever watching. Versus creating an opportunity for all to learn and to consider. It’s like he asks to prove he is right. I’d rather he ask to understand, and then evaluate. That’s almost always my goal, even when talking with someone who does agree with me on something controversial. Especially so with someone who disagrees.

Anyway, I’m exhausted emotionally from this week. People can be so hard for me – I just don’t have an interest in being horrible towards others, but politics seems to call people to do just that, and it is so sad to me.

God, help us all turn to you. May your hand guide our minds, our actions, and our hearts. Heal me of this nausea, while nourishing me and this baby, please. And, please, keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I think we have to be done with these maids now. I had wanted to be done two weeks ago, but we determined to give them another chance, having explained again our priorities to them. However, they didn’t really seem to do all that much better of a job on our priority spots, they still rearranged lots of stuff that was already orderly and arranged – and, often, very specifically placed – and they did some additional somewhat invasive ‘tidying’ in which they, again, rearranged all our stuff but let visible dust etc inside the cabinets they rearranged.

They aren’t bad maids. They just don’t do what we need. And they push a few too many of the buttons of my OCD, especially with how it is intensified right now during pregnancy.

So, once my husband pays them, I’ll let them know that we are grateful for their help, but that we won’t be using them anymore.

And I need to go out the rugs out to wash now. The obvious use of not our vacuum and the fact that I know they wear shoes in our bedroom has me freaking out right now about how the rugs for my bare feet next to my bed are not clean.

Ugh.

And I’ll need to wash my feet, because of the OCD freaking me out and not letting me get into bed. Gross. Annoying. Ugh.

Anyway…

God, help us to heal, please, and help us find the help we need right now. Keep my husband safe, please, and our baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Food helps it to lessen, especially protein. Finding food that seems tolerable to stomach is absurdly difficult.

God, help me to find ease in providing nutrition for myself and this baby, please. Grant us freedom from nausea. Make us well, please. Keep us safe, and keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I somewhat secretly wish that my husband and I could get ready for bed together and go to bed together at night. Like in the movies, I suppose. I guess I had always longed for that set of interactions each night, whenever I one day had a husband. But his schedule just won’t align with mine, no matter how much I seem to change my schedule (and get less and worse sleep).

I have told him this, of course. But the only thing that has changed is how terribly and how little I sleep. And I’ve started giving up and just going to bed and not even seeing him some days.

Granted, being pregnant and on summer vacation has messed with that for me, and my extra-loneliness has made it very hard for me to go to bed in my own, especially now that I’ve been sleeping alone (remember that he tosses and turns and snores a lot when he is on little sleep, and I was sleeping almost not at all because of his nighttime tossing etc., so he’s been sleeping in the other room and I’ve been semi-miserably propped up against a pile of pillows in the middle of our bed, alone, out of necessity. So, I stay up very late in order to spend time with him, since I’m extra-lonely and I don’t have work each morning right now.

But I go back to work in a week and a half, and I am finally starting to be able to sleep more than a restless hour at a time. So, I need to sleep in a normal range for myself again. And this naturally means I will see less of my husband. But I will be getting better and more sleep, which is better for me and for the baby. So, there’s that.

God, help us find a middle ground, please. Heal me of this nausea while making the baby grow well and safely. Keep my husband safe, please. Grant us all ease through your grace. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

We are back home again. I don’t particularly like it. I miss my uncle’s house immensely already. It isn’t exactly sparse. It is fully furnished and has stuff and all, but it is very visually clean and flowing. Most things are put away in proper places in cabinets and all. Minimal decorations adorn the place. Not really any unnecessary stuff anywhere. It’s like a really nice hotel that isn’t annoying.

Plus, the weather was loads better there. Much drier, way fewer bugs, and lower temperatures. We actually sat outside on the porch and enjoyed it. Plus, the view was great.

Also, the bed was great. I want that slightly lower bed that is a great mattress and a king size and a great frame. It was awesome. And very comfortable and comforting.

They definitely have more storage available to them in that house than we have here. Some of that we can remedy, like turning the pedestal sinks in the hall bathroom into a double vanity with cabinets and drawers. That would let us use the linen closet as a linen closet, which would help massively, and could free up cleaning supplies just sitting on the floor in our bedroom, because there’s nowhere away to put them at present. Anyway, we can help ourselves a bit with the storage part. That would be great.

But we also need to do the part of minimizing what we own in the first place. I like the chic, smooth, clean look. Let’s just do it and keep things that way. Let’s get rid of the rest that we don’t need.

However, I need help for that. Let’s have a friend pop up who wants to work with someone on KonMari tidying in their home for free. That would be awesome.

Okay, I have to go to bed now. Goodnight.

Thank you, God, for such a wonderful trip and for such a wonderful home in which to stay, with such great weather. Help us to achieve the home we want for ourselves, please. Keep me and the baby safe and make us both fully well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Make us all sleep well and sufficiently each night, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024