Month: July 2024

I am very glad we attended. However, it was a bit odd at times. I didn’t have a sign to announce that I am pregnant, so people mostly found out by taking directly with me or my mom. Some people then told others, but others didn’t necessarily. At one point, just after dinner was being served, but we hadn’t had food yet, I hit a wall energetically, emotionally, and in terms of feeling sick. I was stopping by my husband to ask him to go get our food. One relative by him was suddenly trying to make me smile, since I wasn’t, since I was massively miserable. I told her something like that I really wasn’t feeling well and now wasn’t the time for me to put effort into smiling. She pushed on it. I told her I was pregnant and miserable and really struggling at the moment. She then tried even harder, taking about the miracle growing and all that jazz, and isn’t that an even bigger reason to smile now?? I then was about to start crying. I was not okay, my husband hadn’t turned to me yet, so I hadn’t asked about the food, and I was now feeling pressure to be okay when I very much was not okay, and forgetting why I had even stopped. So, I excused myself to go sit down, because I needed to sit down.

I walked over to our table, sat at a chair, and put my head straight on someone’s bag on the table. It was too bent-over a position for my stomach, so I shifted to leaning on my hands, my elbows on the table. Almost immediately, one of my mom’s cousins across the table form me asked if I was okay. I couldn’t respond, because I really wasn’t okay, physically or emotionally. She then quickly was in the chair next to me, hand gently on my back, asking again. I managed to pick up my head and look at her. She was extremely worried. I said something like, ‘You don’t know yet, do you? I’m pregnant.’ Her whole face changed. She got it immediately and knew that I was both okay and not okay. She was also excited and asked when I was due. Before I could even begin to reply, her husband, directly across the table from me, replied, “January.”

I very gently chucked, while she was shocked and whipped her head to her husband. ‘That’s why I would have thought you’d know already,’ I told her. Because her husband knew. I had talked to him well over an hour ago about it. But he apparently had said nothing to her! It was kind of silly to all of us.

She then asked if there was anything she could get for me. I directed her to where my special water was, where I had originally been trying to go before stopping to ask my husband to get food, and she rushed off to go grab it for me.

Someone else then sat down next to me with a plate of food to eat, and began asking if I was okay, gently rubbing my back. I slowly tried to reply. Then my water was there, and so was my mom and another of her cousins. Apparently, the security officer had asked someone if I was okay and had said he’d been watching me and was worried. So, that cousin had said she’d grab my mom, and then did.

I told my mom that I had just hit a wall, and then the one older distant cousin had tried to make me smile when I was not at all up to it, and it just made me want to cry on top of being miserable already. Of course, my mom cut me off at first, “You hit a wall?!” and I had to clarify that it was metaphorically, not literally, which took even more energy.

But the special water helped, and my husband then came over and asked if he could/should cut the line. I told him absolutely to do so, and he could tell the line people why, because I needed the food asap. When he was back a few minutes later with food – and then another couple minutes later with the utensils – and I was finally able to start eating, I started to feel better almost immediately. Within minutes, I felt tolerable. Another ten minutes and I actually felt okay again.

Nonetheless, it was a bizarre time at times. But I had some great conversations with certain people. Young mothers all knew instantly that I was pregnant and struggling. They shared very encouraging words. The older moms all seemed totally oblivious even to the possibility. For some, it took a couple times saying it before they understood the words coming out of our mouths. Haha

But it was a good time as a whole. I am glad we went.

I don’t feel so well now, going to bed, but it is quite late, so that likely is playing a part.

Dear God, please, help me to sleep well tonight. Make me and our baby safe, please, growing well together through your blessing. Keep my husband safe, please. Thank you for our family. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

We traveled today. And I’m okay. I had a tough time, yes, but it really wasn’t much different from sitting at home and being miserable there. And, this way, we get to stay in a very nice, hotel-like house in the big hills toward central Texas. Much better weather, many fewer mosquitos, and a great front porch view from which to enjoy our morning fancy coffee.

I am enjoying it so far. I think we can have a great weekend here this weekend.

Family reunion tomorrow afternoon. However, I have a feeling we won’t be staying anywhere near as long as we usually stay, given my current state of ups and downs between tolerable and beyond miserable at any given time. We shall see. Nonetheless, we are staying here tomorrow night, too, and I think both nights and mornings here will be very good for us.

Thank you, God, for this blessing of an opportunity. Please, keep us all safe. In the name of Jesus, heal me of the nausea and bloating and gas, while keeping the baby safe and well. Help us all to grow together and with you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I have, for so long as I can remember, had a small but special affinity for Thursday, as a day. I always liked that it acted as a reminder that we can make it – the weekend is almost here. But it wasn’t wild. It wasn’t packed with anticipation, nor filled with sorrow or regret if we were too tired to go do something special that night. It was still just another productive day. But it was different. It was relaxing and relieving, almost like a balm, preparing us for a final day of work before we got to rest (or party).

At some point, I looked up what day of the week I was born. No surprises there: It was a Thursday.

And then, when I learned German, my affinity grew still further. Donnerstag it is, “Thunder’s Day”. Talk about power and beauty and something truly amazing. Thunder. I was (and still am, of course) a total fan. Donnerstag.

And so, today landed beautifully in my life. On this Thursday, I believe God has granted answers to my prayers and healed many of my fears. I met with yet another midwife this afternoon. We spoke on the phone yesterday, and I was at ease the moment she had answered the phone. But I needed to meet her in person to make sure I was okay with her touching me. You know, kind of a big and important deal in pregnancy, birth, and post-partum care – the caretaker literally touches the woman all over the private parts, and even inside. Not someone we’d want to feel uncomfortable around and want to avoid touching. So, needed to meet her in person to find out.

Now, remember that I also have OCD. Hormonal things, like OCD, kind of go nuts during pregnancy – and apparently also especially so and suddenly so during post-partum recovery – and I have already been experiencing the glorious new level of savagery the thing can have on a life. My husband is struggling more than I am, because he has never been around me with the OCD so strong. I have been through much worse when I went through and following puberty. But my husband didn’t know me then, so the higher level stuff is brand spanking new for him, and it’s been hard. It sucks for me, of course, but I also am able to stay present to the fact that it is 1) temporarily so and 2) not me, specifically. It’s just something that hangs out with and, presently, really bothers me.

Nonetheless, all this to say that the touching thing has always been a factor for me in life. I already just don’t touch certain people or let them touch me. Others, it’s more a matter of limiting touch or making sure I get clean afterward, if necessary. It hasn’t been very prevalent in recent years for me, but it has still made appearances here and there. With pregnancy, though, everything is heightened, including comfort around being touched by certain individuals, and even by people with whom I am comfortable, like my husband, when they aren’t clean (and I mean freshly washed, no smells or sweat or anything). So, this meeting was hugely significant and decisive for our doctor/midwife selection.

And it think that also played a big role in how I struggled so much the first time in finding care. Just seeing names and photos online didn’t work for me. I needed to meet the person, be in the same room, in order to know if I was okay with being cared for by that person. But we’re doing much better this time around and we’ve been figuring out things slowly, but well.

I had told all of this to the midwife over the phone. She particularly has much experience with neurodiversity, folks whose brains don’t align fully with what is normal. This could be things like full-blown autism or just barely being on the spectrum, various disorders, and, even, including OCD. So, she accepted with true understanding everything I was sharing about the OCD, as well as about needing to meet her in person to see if I’m okay with having her touch me. She wasn’t offended. She was supportive.

Today, when she opened the door and smiled at me and said, “Hi,” I don’t really know if I even greeted her in return. I just remember looking at her wholly, saying in a half sob, “You don’t creep me out,” and then absolutely crying in relief. She truly laughed and asked if she could hug me. I was already leaning toward her for a hug from her, and agreed aloud before fully leaning into her. And she just held me for close to a minute while I sobbed in relief and she chuckled in understanding.

I told her how I had prayed about this since we’d gotten off the phone yesterday, and how I had just been through so much looking for the right person to work with us, not to mention how literally miserable I have been the past two months plus with all the nausea and sickness and utter incapacitation. She absolutely got it all, and she was wonderful.

And then we had the real meeting and it went great. My husband was on the phone to hear everything, but had to miss a lot, as he was having to work at the same time and couldn’t always give attention to our conversation over the phone. Nonetheless, there were no bad surprises, actually a few good ones, and it was a positive meeting.

At the end, I asked her about her little ultrasound machine. She’d mentioned over the phone that she had a little handheld one that could be used if needed/wanted, but wasn’t a requirement or anything. Last night, my husband had mentioned that he really wanted “one of those photos”, so he could use it to tell his family about the pregnancy, even though he knew my family all already know. (Different relationships with each of our own families, as can be expected, you see.) I told her as much and asked if her little one was able to do a photo, or if we would have to go somewhere for a whole ultrasound in order to get one.

She said hers absolutely could do the photo and even could do a video. But she would have to airdrop it to me, as it wouldn’t be a printout. (Uh, that’s only a bagillion times easier and better than a tiny photo, anyway!) And did I want to do it right now? She had a few minutes before her next appointment…

And so, I hobbled myself onto the sofa. She tucked in a towel to my undies for me, since I was down for the count after I lay down – I asked if she could do it, and she said she absolutely could if I wanted her to do so. Yes, please. And that was clear proof that I was comfortable with her and with her touching me.

Mere moments later, I was crying all over again, because I could see very clearly that little baby and its little yet powerful heartbeat, just chilling on that placenta like a pillow. And then it even did a whole little readjustment, and we got to see all the body parts move and everything. It was so bizarre and wonderful and I was a total happy mess.

And yes, it was only one baby. She checked all around to make sure. I truly had many signs to suggest strongly the chance of twins. (That was my main reason for going ahead with the ultrasound – I wanted to go ahead and start preparing for the appropriate number of kiddos, especially if it was going to be twins.) So, even she was genuinely looking to confirm whether it was just one or multiple babies that have been making me so terribly ill. But it was only one, after all. And that’s for the best for us all, I believe. Especially financially and sleep-wise. We didn’t need twins. We would have accepted them gladly, but one will be plenty enough work for us as it is. So, yeah, one baby in there. One super comfortable and healthy baby just chilling in my belly.

Such a delight.

When I surprised my husband with the photos and videos on the tv screen at home, I think he was genuinely surprised and delighted. It worked out perfectly.

Today as a whole worked out beautifully. I am grateful for all of it.

Thank you, God. Please, continue to heal my nausea and gas/bloating, while making this baby healthy and well and growing properly and beautifully. Make us both well and healthy, please. Keep my husband safe. And thank you for this midwife. Keep her and her family safe, too, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It was feeling like I was doing loads better today. And yet, going to bed tonight is more miserable that usual. Much more so. I can barely manage right now, and I am genuinely worried all the protein I worked very hard to consume won’t get digested after all.

I am very much not okay right now.

God, help me, please. Help me to do this pregnancy well. Help me to care for our babies. Heal me of the nausea, please. Keep us safe. Keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I have no idea what I was going to share today. I had two very specific things earlier. Not even a hint as to what they were at this point. My brain and my body and my spirit are all so tired…

God, help me to find healing, please. Grant us ease in our home and household. Help my husband and me to find peace with and in one another throughout the rest of this pregnancy. We are struggling so much right now, it makes everything seem so much worse than it already is – and it already is very hard on us both. Heal me of the nausea and help me to prepare our home and our lives for welcoming this baby in January. Keep me and the baby safe and well, please. Keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Ah! One came to me. Don’t read if you can’t handle bathroom stuff.

I had to choose today between the urgency of contents exiting via my bum and via my throat this morning. It was a very tough decision, in the end. I was choosing the throat, and realized the bum was not accepting the choice, so quickly transitioned to sitting on the toilet. I literally barely made it out of that situation before hurling up my guts into the sink. Panic-washed my hands, shook them briefly, and leaned forward to release intensely. It was a dreadful start to the day. But I did feel much improved after the ordeal, to be sure.

Post-a-day 2024

We have a big reunion every summer for the extended family. It is meant to be for all descendants of my great-great grandparents. My mom and I go every year. My cousins and aunt and uncles all used to go every year, too. After my Opa got sick and didn’t go anymore, though, most of them stopped going. I asked my one cousin today if she was planning to go this year. She just moved about twenty minutes or so away from where the reunion happens. She has never lived anywhere near this close to it. She said that she only ever really hung out with her brothers and with me at the reunion, not the extended family. So, she isn’t going.

I’m still going. It’s also a great and loving environment and a practically free party, Mass included with all family. But that seems to mean nothing to her. And that is very sad to me. It isn’t like she comes to spend time with me in recent years. So, we aren’t hanging out at any other time. The reunion was always a guaranteed time we got to spend together. Until she decided not to care about it. Same with her mom. Now, I rarely see them. And, if I do, it is in very quick passing, maybe an hour or so at most, and never for much one-on-one time, anyway, since they’re only around to visit my grandma in the first place.

Basically, I already rarely see any of that family. After Grandma is not around, I genuinely see no chance of seeing them anymore. They mostly make no effort. I always seem to be an afterthought – ‘Oh, we’re visiting Grandma right now, in case you want to drop everything and come here to see us briefly’. I have made effort in the past. Given that they’re not even interested in driving twenty minutes – after we drive three hours – to come hang out with us and have a great time, it makes it feel hard to consider making much effort in the future.

It just is sad to me. I was excited to have my cousin close again. But I see her just as often now as when she lived forever away, and talk to her rarely.

Anyway… it also hurts that they don’t care about the reunion. It meant a lot to my Opa, sure. But it meant a lot to us, too. I go for my own experiences, not because my Opa cared so much about it. Because I care about it. And the food. The food is really good.

Anyway, I’m sick and ir sucks. Goodnight.

God, help me sleep well at night, tonight especially, please. Help me and the baby to be well and healthy. Heal me of the nausea. Help my husband find your grace and ease in all of this. Keep him safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Someone mentioned to me how what a priest said had changed things for the better for him. The priest had told him, “God doesn’t want your spare time.” The idea was to set aside prayer time intentionally, not passively to seize upon an available few minutes or so here or there.

However, this hurt. I had been excited to share that I was praying daily. I was especially excited to share that I was specifically praying the rosary daily, which is not a super short or no-big-deal single prayer. It’s a whole chunk of prayers. And I love praying it now, but it is definitely not a spare time kind of quick prayer. But I pray it while in the shower each night. I have a recording that helps keep me on track, and it also helps me with not taking too long of a shower so often as I once was used to do. I was grateful and excited to have found a way to include prayer into my daily routine. It was no accident. It was intentional. But it was while doing something else, and so was considered ‘spare time’.

Now, I know he didn’t mean it rudely. He had meant it to be encouraging, that there is more to get out of prayer life when we are intentional about it.

But it hurt. I was very intentional about the rosary every day. I had found a way to be consistent with it, which is huge for me – I have had very little consistency in my life the past several years. My bedtime routines are pretty much the only consistency I consistently have. So, this was intentional for me. It was not my spare time.

However, I have thought much on this beyond just how the comment and the idea made me feel in terms of my own prayer routine. I have thought about the idea itself, that God doesn’t want our spare time. And I believe that is false.

I believe God wants all our time. Every amount of time we give to Him, I believe that He is both glad and grateful. Any of our time is welcome with God. Yes, He rejoices in our intentionality in life, purposely spending time with Him in prayer. But I believe he also rejoices when we turn to Him in our spare time. Every bit of time with Him is a blessing for us. And I believe He sees it as a blessing for Himself. He wants us as much as possible to be with Him. And He does not resent us when we do not choose Him in a given moment or plan. He loves us nonetheless. And every time we choose Him, He is glad. Every time.

So, God wants our intentional time, yes. But He also wants our spare time. He wants us. Period. And He wants us to choose Him freely, every time, spare time or not.

Thank you, God, for being with us. Thank you for structured prayers. Thank you for listening. Please, help me to continue to heal from this nausea, and make our baby safe and well as she grows to join us actively in January. Thank you for this blessing. Help us to find ease and grace within it. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

We watched Robocop last night. I have no interest in ever seeing it again. It had some neat parts, but it had lots of stupidity, utter incompetence, and useless visual violence and murder. Not a fan. And I do not recommend it. Perhaps the comic is acceptable, because the story is interesting as a whole… just not the details. Anyway…

A beautiful male cardinal landed on the new grill right after we got home this evening. At first, I was delighted. Then, he jumped behind the grill, and I rushed out the door, yelling at it. One of our small but now-fruit-producing fig trees is right behind the grill. Sure enough, that sucker had busted open and been eating the largest fig on the tree. As usual, the fig wasn’t fully ripe, but was close enough for the birds (but not to pick, because they don’t ripen after being picked). Very frustrating. So, hopefully we can get a net or something to put over the trees tomorrow. There are only about six figs (there were seven) total between the two trees, but I really would like to be able to have them. Firstly, I love fresh figs and haven’t had them in almost two years. Secondly, I love eating foods that we grow at home – super awesome and useful and efficient and encouraging.

Anyway…

God, help us with the figs, please, and free me of the nausea. Keep our baby safe and growing well. Keep me and my husband safe, please. Bless our family with your safety right now. Help us all to sleep well at night and do your will during the day. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was rather rough. It actually started rather reasonably. I went back to sleep and slept for real twice before getting up close to noon. My husband made me a breakfast sandwich that I was able to eat. Things felt good for a while.

And then, at one point, they suddenly were not okay at all. I struggled the rest of the evening and night. Still struggling now and feeling terrible.

God, help me, please. Heal me of the nausea, and keep our baby safe and well. Keep us all safe, please. Especially, keep my husband safe, please. Help us to sleep well at night. Help me to forget all the scary scenes from the movie tonight. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I start to feel better, and so can eat actual food. But I can’t actually prepare the actual food. So, I have to wait for my husband to be able to do it, or find someone to bring me food that I can’t identify as something I could eat until I smell it… and that usually gets me all the more sick, having to wait for the food. And, even if my husband does do it, he has to do not all outside, because I can’t stand the smell of foods for more than a few seconds. Not even the ones I manage to eat.

So, it seems things still suck, just in a slightly different way now.

A muscle deep in my left buttocks is also very much hurting me right now. I’m sure it has to do with how I’m having to position myself to fall asleep, and I can’t really change any of that. But a good hand to help rub it would would be quite helpful. Unfortunately, my husband is already busy in the first place with work and school, and in the second place with helping me eat.

Anyway, I’m exhausted and still miserable, and my lips are now really dry and hurting. And, somehow, even when the maids come, my bathroom floor and countertop don’t seem actually to get clean. I got photos this time, though, so, hopefully, that will help me communicate the point tomorrow with the lady in charge of them all.

God, help us to find comfort and some ease, please. Heal me of this nausea and bloating. Make the baby grow and love and live well, please. Keep us all safe, please, especially my husband. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024