Month: September 2024

I have never hated a job so much or wanted to leave so terribly.

But we also need the income. So, I’m still here. I will continue to do what I can to do a good job here. But I very much look forward to never having to come back, once I have finished the assignment.

God gives us the hard stuff sometimes. This is very much hard stuff. Hopefully, it is so that I grow from it, and follow all the more deeply in God’s path for me. The stronger take the heavier loads. I know I’m strong, so it makes sense. It is just a very heavy load right now.

God, help me to carry it, please. Help me to be who you call me to be. Take care of us, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The started rather well. I managed to get Mayer looking very nice and stand having my hair down for twenty minutes to take a school portrait after morning carpool duty today. The girls had saucers for eyes, they were blown away with my hair’s being down. They kept saying how beautiful I looked. It was adorable and sweet. Though, I had been surprised myself when I had put on my dress and quickly fixed my hair – and that means that I took it out of the messy bun, pulled back the very front into the half-up half-down style, and placed the right balance of hair in front of my shoulders and behind them, no brushing included – in the bathroom. I did look very nice, and surprisingly so.

So, that was cool.

But I ended up missing two meetings after that, one I hadn’t even known about and one about which I had completely forgotten. No one came to get me or anything, though, for either one, so that felt kind of crappy.

I got notes from another teacher for the one meeting, and the other was rescheduled for tomorrow. And something has me stressed about tomorrow’s meeting, that it isn’t just about the original purpose. I think it was something mentioned in the invitation that immediate disappeared after I clicked on it, but I don’t recall. I hope it goes well, but I am doubtful that it will be easy for me.

My husband mentioned something this evening, when I shared about an annoyance at work (in the context of his asking why I so dislike my job), and it hit the nail perfectly. He said that it sounds like they don’t care at all about what I have to say. And it has very much felt like that. No one cares about my opinion. They simply want to do things they way they already do them, and they don’t want to be bothered by someone’s being confused or frustrated about those way, nor do they want to hear about it or deal with anyone’s struggling with it all. They seem nice and all, but they don’t actually care about me and my experience of anything they do or anything I have to say. Not even a little bit.

So, as annoying as that is to see, it is relieving, too. It has put clarity onto a massive struggle I have had. I am grateful for that insight.

Thank you, God, for the love of today and the insight of today. Help me and the baby to be well, please. Help our family to be well financially, and keep my husband and us safe, please. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Show us clearly our next step in doing that. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This morning, while having a rather rough morning hurl, I, to my own excitement (at the development of things and this very normal symptom) and disturbance, I peed myself, just a little bit. It didn’t even make it onto the floor or anything, as it was such a tiny amount. However, as my stomach wretched, my bladder pushed out a drop or two from the other end.

It was weird.

It kind of freaked me out. But it also made me feel like I’m really pregnant. Not that I haven’t felt pregnant. But I’ve mostly just felt sick and miserable. It hasn’t been pregnant-specific stuff for me. However, something I always have remembered about pregnant women is how they typically have bladder struggles. Yes, they’re for various reasons, and in various forms, but they are struggles with the bladder and having urine exit when the woman was not intending for it to exit. So, for me, this was kind of one of those moments. And it felt… I guess “good” is the word, but I mean it in the sense of ‘grateful to be in a healthy pregnancy where things are normal and well’. So, yeah… that was a weird start to the day.

Post-a-day 2024

11 years ago today, I crossed and happily shared this quote:

🙂 “Es lohnt sich, den Weg zu gehen, den Gott für einen vorgesehen hat. Gott enttäuscht nicht, er übertrifft unsere kühnsten Erwartungen. Gott schenkt nicht nur Mut, sondern auch Zuversicht. Für Gott gibt es immer eine Zukunft, es gibt keine hoffnungslose Situation, keine einzige. Egal, was in der Vergangenheit war, ich kann heute wieder neu anfangen.”

It was a lovely reminder tonight. I have been very much struggling lately, and working on trusting God and that this all is part of His will, which is good.

I also sent this to my husband, which I think is lovely in a different way, as well as comical… especially given how terrible OCD has been during this pregnancy so far:

When you get my water tonight, would you change out the lid? An adorable lime green bug has taken either a temporary or permanent nap on this one. I didn’t want to find out which.

God, help me to be well. Make the baby and me safe and well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The anatomy scan was yesterday, and the technician, who has been doing this for almost a decade, said everything made her happy. (You know, the legal way to say everything looks good, but without giving any official diagnosis, since she’s the technician, not the radiologist.) All the measurements were coming up as perfectly where the kid would be expected to me at this point, which was cool to hear. The whole spine was there and beautifully in line and full. It was such a relief to see that specifically. Hands and feet and arms and ears and nose and eyes and eye lenses and lips are all there and proper, properly developed. They all are fully developed, and just will continue growing. Super exciting news.

And we still don’t know the gender. Determined we don’t want to mess with anyone else’s reactions about it, nor do I want to risk any depression for myself at a disappointment, so we stuck with finding out when the baby arrives in January. I’ll be flooded with hormones and chemicals to help me love and adore and care for this baby no matter the gender, so it’s the best time to find out the gender, one way or the other.

Thank you, God, for the successful anatomy scan. Please, keep me and the baby safe. Help us both to be well and whole. Help me to follow and pursue your will with confidence and with comfort and ease. Take care of us financially, please, and help us to ease our stresses and to trust fully in you and your will for us. Keep my husband safe, please. Make our next step obvious always, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Now, if anyone asks what we’re having, I can say honestly that is looks like a cartoon T-Rex.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, we had a success today. Two, in fact. I made it to an early Mass at Church, and on my own. I didn’t make it for the whole time still, but I made it all on my own. Then, the ultrasound for the anatomy scan went really well. All things were present and measured appropriate sizes for the exact current length of time the baby has been growing inside of me. The technician couldn’t give officially a result, but was legally allowed to say that she was happy with everything she saw and she answered a lot of questions along the way that eased much anxiety I had been carrying about whether the baby was developing properly and all. Turns out that it all measure up and lines up quite well. Also, still don’t know about gender, intentionally so, but it is now starting to stress me for real. Everything in me wants this one to be a healthy girl. It also was already feeling like a girl, with no clear explanation as to why it feels that way. The first one felt like a boy. This one feels like a girl. However, I am having doubts now, and it is stressing me. Ugh.

God, thank you for this healthy and well and whole baby. Help it continue to grow beautifully and successfully into the child we have longed to have. Help us to be great parents and to love one another through it all. Grant us your grace and peace, please. Keep me and the baby safe. Keep my husband safe, please. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will voluntarily. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Turns out, this nausea seems to be linked to something I was starting to experience a couple days ago. There’s a fluttering type of sensation I started to notice in my general belly area. And not the feeling of when the baby moves around. It is constant and consistent. And the speed of it is roughly double the speed of my own heart beat.

It is, quite likely, the baby’s heartbeat. Turns out my aunt had the same thing in two of her pregnancies. But hers didn’t make her nauseous. It just felt… odd. But she also said it only lasted about a month, from about four and a half to five and a half months. And I am right at the four and a half months. So, my theory makes all the more sense.

I did check in with the midwife about it, and she confirmed that it is a very high chance that the weird sensation inside me is the baby’s heartbeat.

I’m also very distracted with now, and so I don’t know what all I was trying to say. So… going to sleep now.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, it’s still shoving into my life. I haven’t quite felt okay for the past two days now, maybe another half on top of that. It’s like all the progress my body had made out of the nausea has jumped back several yards, and I’m back to miserable versions of nausea most of the day and night. I’m still able to consume food the same – much struggle, but it is going down and staying down in almost-reasonable quantities – but it’s like the nausea has rebounded and come back with a slight vengeance. I feel like I did over a month ago, maybe six weeks ago, even, the nausea is so heavy again. I had to tell the girls at school that I was not okay today. In one class, they actually asked if I needed to go to the nurse or something, because I was keeling over with the struggle.

But I made it through and made it home. I felt a touch better once home and outdoors a bit. I even rode my bicycle for several minutes. I had to have my husband adjust the angle of the seat – my hips have very much moved – but then was actually okay to ride around for a short while. It didn’t feel great when each leg was at the peak of the pedal height, but it was a very manageable discomfort, and it felt so good as a whole to be riding period, I rolled easily with it. (Ha. No pun intended, but love it, of course.)

However, not too much after that, I was being attacked by the nausea again and could barely exist, let alone function. I curled oddly on the sofa in my misery, and I awaited food from my husband, not entirely sure I wouldn’t be crying soon. The food helped some, but I was still miserable afterward.

Now, I’ve showered and am in bed. I feel loads better after the shower, but lying down still doesn’t feel great. Neither does the loud music from the neighbors that keeps vibrating the walls… ugh.

I’m exhausted and close to crying at how miserable I feel.

God, help me and the baby both to be well and to feel well. Keep us safe, and keep my husband safe, please. Thank you for my grandma. Thank you for my family. Help us all to follow your will and to see it clearly at each step. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. I sent a video message to my best friend last night from bed, wishing her a happy birthday. But, I was so sick from nausea, that it was a dreadfully sad video message. I even sang to her, but was having to moan and pause all throughout the video, due to the intense nausea. She’s in Europe, so my bedtime was already last midnight for her. Therefore, after I went to school today, it was still her birthday. She sent a quick video reply to me, saying how she was grateful for the message but also how utterly sad the whole thing was. I agreed, of course, but knew I couldn’t do much better… So, I asked my students if they wanted to sing “Happy Birthday” for my best friend. Naturally, they were beyond game. We verified that everyone remember les my best friend’s name, and then I hit record and sent them off. Several of them even danced around and very much performed throughout the song, and it was utterly adorable and sweet. Within minutes, my friend had replied, clearly overjoyed, saying how cute and awesome it was and thanking us all. I’m so glad and grateful it occurred to me to do that and that the girls were so game. (Coincidentally, it then reminded one girl that her dad’s birthday is this weekend, and she had everyone sing again to record on her computer for him for tomorrow. The dancing and tricks were even more ridiculous for that one, and the girls kind of couldn’t stop laughing throughout the whole thing. And they called him multiple names at once and broke into giggles over it. It was great.)

Post-a-day 2024

Man… today was kind of tough, but not necessarily worse than yesterday. I managed to enjoy some good, easy company in great weather for almost hall an hour today at lunch. I got to nap on our large guest bed with my husband this evening. Oh, we did have meetings after school, and so I didn’t get home until after five, which is over twelve hours after I usually wake… so, that sucked.

Oh, also, our chicken died overnight. I specifically woke up, kind of panicking, and asked my husband where he had put the chicken who was in recovery from the mites and fleas – she got hit really hard by them, and so was being kept separate from the fat chickens who seemed to be fine, though they were covered in the bugs, likely because they are so much bigger and fatter. I asked specifically if she was safe from other animals getting her, and he told me she would be fine and that she was in a safe spot. When I awoke in the morning, I was almost instantly worrying about her. I went outside as soon as I could after my bathroom troubles, and, sure enough, there was a small spread of feathers on the ground, including big ones that don’t just fall out when they fluff around and whatnot. I barely even bothered looking around after that, because I was already crying. I actually cursed and said how I had asked my husband to make sure she was safe from other animals overnight. She was not even at half capacity, so she had almost no ability to defend herself or fly away – that was the whole reason I asked him to make sure edge was in a covered space, safe from other animals. I even used those words. But he didn’t. He assumed she would be fine, because she had been fine outside the coop overnight in the past. He did not account for her being sick this time, though. So, now our only black chicken is gone, likely attacked viciously by effing raccoons and dragged to some terrible ditch hole… that’s the part that hurts the most right now, I think. Ugh.. it just gives me the shivers and feels like such a horrible disservice to our one semi-smart chicken, and the one who actually could fly. Not to mention her awesome black feathers with a blue-ish-green tinge. She was different in a very cool and beautiful way. I am very sad to have lost her, and especially so due to our own negligence.

Yeah… I miss you, Blackie. And I’m so sorry we left you utterly helpless like that. You clearly tried to survive. I’m so sorry. Thank you for being such an entertaining and different bird from the rest. And thank you for being so accepting of the newer chickens, completely unlike the others, who are very much and often punks. We’ll miss you a lot. And I never would have thought I’d feel that way about a chicken. You were clearly cool and special. Bye-bye, birdie. Bye-bye, Blackie.

Also, I’m super nauseous and struggling massively to keep down my dinner right now, and it super sucks.

God, help me release this nausea and to eat well, that my baby and I be healthy and well and whole. Keep my husband safe, please. Keep me and my family safe, please, and help us always to see our next step in your will clearly. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Very tired. This week is getting harder each day. But I was able to say aloud how I truly hate my job and I don’t want to be there. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have the job still. I do want to have the job and to earn the money from it. I also like the students and the teaching itself most of the time. But I also hate the job as a whole and don’t really want to be there almost ever right now. I am sick and growing a baby and dealing with a lot around that fact. But this is where I need to be right now, so this is where I am.

So, yeah. I’m appreciative of and want to keep my job. And I also hate it. And it feels good and, even, somewhat relieving to be allowed to acknowledge that out loud. I don’t have to like my job or to want to be at it each day. It’s okay for me to hate it and still want to have it and do it. And I do.

Thank you, God, for this job that is so close to home and that pays very decently for a teaching job. Help me to be well and help the baby to be whole and well and safe, please. Keep my husband safe. Help us always to follow your will and to see it clearly at each step. Keep my grandma well, please, and my family safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024