The process of processing

I don’t want to sound like all the people who actually were at fault but claim it was their bosses etc. But this one truly seems to be stacked against me.
I don’t know what to do. I always am able to figure it out and see what to do. But it isn’t working this time.

I’m clearly depressed – I can barely function and I just cry all the time, and it feels like the world is just too hard of a place and I don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be, but it isn’t here.

How did I go from one job that treated me unjustly to another that does so even worse? What lesson did I not learn, that God is having me go through all this again, but loads worse?

Am I not supposed to be a teacher in a school anymore? Is that it? Was I not supposed to be in the first place?

This will be the third time I have been treated horribly by a school, and the second time they let me go for something absurd that has just about zero to do with my actual ability to teach and to connect with the students.

I have clearly missed something. Life is not this hard when we trust in God and give ourselves over to Him. Perhaps I have used too much logic by working to provide money to support my family, when I need to have been trusting my gut feelings, my encouragements provided by God.

Hmm…

Okay, so, let’s see… I am not well at work. I feel attacked and hated and unwanted. I have felt like they have wanted me out of there since almost the first week of being on campus. It did not take long before I allowed myself to say allowed that I hated my job. And I meant it. I still wanted to keep my job, because of the money and insurance it provided for my family. I also hated my job quite deeply. I have become depressed just having to be there and even think about being there. I have become quite stressed and even begun to panic about not being able to get things done at home, both for our daily living and for the arrival of our child. On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat and had extra trouble eating because of the stress. (Bad stress makes me not eat.) On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat due to the despair, almost like a sick sort of punishment… like I don’t deserve food and need to starve myself in part as punishment for… whatever.

So, it looks like I am not well psychologically.

But I also don’t want that to be an excuse to give up. When I do something, I do it. I give it my effort. And my effort is a lot. For some reason, it has been very difficult for me to give my full effort to work this year. I’m not sure if it is that or if my effort is simply smaller right now. My brain has changed and made work loads harder. My energy levels have been incredibly lower than usual. And my interest in doing a good job has been absurdly low. I almost don’t even care about giving the kids the best education possible. Normally, I’m positively stressed about doing the best I possibly can by the students in the time I have with them. This year, I have mostly felt lethargic and, even, at the point of being incapable of caring. Like my brain just doesn’t go that direction and make that circuit anymore. I have a sort of listlessness about my work. Ah. I have no passion for it. That’s the right way to say it. I have no passion for my work this year. And I suppose that is because of both the environment and because of the tremendous physical effort it requires slash toll it takes on me while I’m pregnant.

Okay, so… My job seems to be rather bad for me, and I clearly hate it. Got it. But hating a job doesn’t seem a fair enough reason to leave it, at least not when the job is the main means of financial support for one’s family. I would need another job to support us, and kind of immediately.

But is that a good enough reason to stay in an almost dangerous, or, at least, detrimental environment? Perhaps not… but I’m not convinced yet.

Will I be able to find a other job while working still here? I think not. I barely do the job and go home to eat and go to bed each night. I panicked at the prospect of figuring out how to manage getting in touch with employment attorneys, when they’re only open weekdays and I have mandatory work and classes during most of their business hours. There it literally one hour at the end of their workday that I am available weekdays. (Yet another thing I dislike tremendously about this job.) So, no, I will not be successful in both doing my current job and finding a new one at the same time. I don’t care how smart it is. It isn’t something that will work for me. I’m not going to sacrifice doing a good job (Though, the admin seems to believe I’m not doing a good job anyway, so what does it matter? Integrity is what matters to me. I agreed to do a job and I am going to give it what I can while I can.)

Okay, but I don’t want to be running away from the job or from whatever situation. I’d like to handle it, especially so that I don’t have to deal with it ever again. If I can complete whatever this is, perhaps I will not have to cross it ever again in life.

With that, I will go to sleep and see how God might inspire me in my dreams.

God, be with me and guide me clearly, please. Help me to act with confidence and competence, especially in these next few weeks, and especially at my job. Show me exactly what to do that I might fulfill your will in my life. Help me to be the best person I can be, the person you call me to be. Make me and the baby well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Show us the way, and help us to trust you in following it fully and immediately. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024