Exhausted

Today was a long and full day. But it was a good day, a wholesome day. I had to rest more than I wanted. But I also managed to stay the whole time and do all the things I had hoped to do in my volunteering for today. I was helpful and I accepted my limitations and just had to go sit outside for a bit and almost pass out in a nap. And I had to let people help take care of me… get me food, napkins… let me eat early… let me just sit and do nothing for a little while. But I also got to stand up for myself and tell three grown men that I was completely okay and safe helping pull something across the way, when they came running at me in a panic that I was doing any kind of physical labor. To be fair, it was an incredibly light wooden frame, and it didn’t even have the heavy thing sitting on top of it, so it truly wasn’t heavy. I had picked that one on purpose, because I knew I could move it without strain. Most of the others are much heavier. But I also had moved one of the others earlier, too, so I knew for sure that I could do this one. But they hadn’t seen me move the either earlier. Funnily enough, they had even kind of prohibited me from touching the bales that sit on top of these stands. So, that was a big part of why I had beelined first the one that had no bale on it – I knew I wouldn’t be going against their request this way, but still could fulfill the duty for which I had signed up.

Anyway, it all worked out pretty well today. And I even got to eat a reasonable amount of dinner shortly before heading home. That was good.

Down side for today was that I never pooped. Not cool for me. But it didn’t feel necessarily like that all day, so a small win on that front. Something sucky, but an improved version of it. Hopefully, tomorrow morning goes really well and easily on that front.

God, that you for today. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the courage and the energy. Help me and the baby to be well and safe, please, and keep my husband safe. Help the photos to go well tomorrow, please. And keep my parents safe, too, please. Help me to make these quilts. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Rodeo

Rodeo has truly become a great place in my life. Being at an event today, I was blown away with how much everyone cared about me and about my baby. There was no concern about whether I was going to do an amazing job, or even be there the whole time. Their first priority was for me to be okay, and everything else was second. They would find coverage, they would figure it out, and I wouldn’t lose credit if I needed to step away or go home.

As the love was pouring in, I just kept thinking and experiencing, This is the right place to be.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting closer

Just waiting on one final bit of approval from a lawyer to say I can sign this document, and I can send it back and never have to deal with these people again. The last two days have been really hard on me simply because of having to deal with them and their nonsense and ineptitude. Golly… what a mess! And it’s almost finished!

God, guide me the final bit for this, and help me always to follow you in life. Make me and the baby safe and well, please, and keep husband safe. Help us to sleep well at night. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Well, if they pay me properly per the agreement, including my paycheck for time worked and the extra stipend they never actually paid me, though they should have done so already, I won’t have to deal with them again. So, we shall see! Fingers crossed and prayer said!

Checklists

Today, a neighbor mentioned doing one thing at a time, and that that was what I am doing at home as I sort through everything and prepare for living with a baby.

I thought about it and then replied something like, ‘More like fifty things at once,’ and I meant it. I truly have a boatload of things going on at once in the house. Many things are ‘in process’ at present. I don’t often have one thing being accomplished from start to finish in one go. It takes starting several things just to be able to finish the first. Sure, sometimes, I just get distracted and start doing something other than what I had intended. But I mostly operate well by doing one step at a time across several things, making progress across the board. I stagger them, of course, so I am still accomplishing the completion of one or another every few steps of the way. I tend to treat them as a lot. Once the lot is completed, I can put together and start a new lot. But everything in one lot is worked on at the same time, to different degrees.

So, yeah, fifty things at once, it often feels and seems. But then they all kind of get done in quick succession, once the first one is finished. Today’s bits were very much like that. Haha But I accomplished loads, and I feel good about it.

Tomorrow will be another set of tasks all tied together across several bigger tasks. I am excited for it(!).

God, guide us always, please. Make me and the baby well and safe, please, and keep my husband safe and well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Freedom

I was actually happy this morning. Truly so. I even said, “Good morning,” to someone. And I meant it. I haven’t said that phrase in months, because I haven’t been able to mean it. It was bizarre, feeling suddenly myself again. I hadn’t fully realized how missing I had gone.

I am grateful to be back.

Thank you, God, for having this morning go well and for giving me the words and the ease to do everything well and efficiently. Thank you for the business appropriateness of the big boss and her graciousness and kind offer. And thank you for showing me that I was, indeed, doing the best thing. Thank you for the courage and confidence. Thank you for helping me to bring myself back to life. Thank you for your love and guidance and blessings. Make me and the baby well and safe, please, and keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting nervous

I only have to go in in order to resign tomorrow, and yet I am still stressed about having to go to work.

Note** Also, interestingly, I noticed a while back that I have mostly called this place “work”. I almost never have done that with a school in the past. I have always referred to it as “school”, and have even not known what some has meant when I’ve been asked something about “work”… because I never really related to it all as work. I did work, yes, at school. But I loved teaching. It was hard at times, and took up a lot of my life and energy. But I truly liked it. It wasn’t work for me, exactly. But this year has very much been a different relationship for me. It has been work, and it has been dreadful. Most corporate job people can’t even understand my dismay and surprise, because they have always related to their jobs as work that pays the bills. My job has always been something I love that pays, at least, most of the bills. Outside jobs have been to pay the bills, but I also mostly have enjoyed the work involved with those, too. So, anyway, it’s been “work” this year for me, without even having consciously determined that. It just has come out so in every conversation and thought. “Work”.

Back to the main topic: I am getting nervous. It could go easily and well and it could go terribly and it could go anywhere in between. I think I just need to clear myself before arriving at the school in the morning, and spend my two minutes in a power pose (for literal confidence, given chemically by body positioning). Then I can go in and do what I need to do.

As much as I hope the head asks me to stay and work, so that I can have more pay, I see now that I truly don’t want to do it. I shall pray and allow God to guide it all. I trust Him.

God, help me to trust you tomorrow especially. Guide me to speak your words and have your actions tomorrow, that I be the person you call me to be, the best person I can be. Help me to communicate what needs to be communicated, and nothing else. Grant me your will lived out, please. And, if it be your will, please, help me to act with comfort, ease, and full confidence. Make me and the baby well, please, and keep my husband safe. Grant us your grace these next months especially, please. Help us to sleep well each night. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Sunday is God’s day

Perhaps it is simply the way of the world that we find peace on Sundays. Though we put it at the beginning of the week on the calendar, it is truly a completion of the previous week. It prepares us for what is to come, after having completed for us what has already passed. Today was very much so that for me and my life. And I am grateful for it. I truly believe I have seen the path God is offering to me with love and intention. I have taken steps today toward fulfilling that path. Great steps. And it has left me feeling much improved and released from the torture of the past week and recent days. Also, my brother helped us move this dreadful pile of very heavy bricks – I think they are about 15 pounds a piece, possibly 17.2… but it was over a year ago that I weighed one, so I do not truly recall anymore how much each weighs – and put them and their broken parts into two very orderly and clean-lined stacks in a part of the yard that actually makes sense for them. My brain is much relieved just from that today, and I am excited st the progress it has offered both for the yard and for our fence’s being built. My husband said they’d need to be moved before he could start the fence, so I asked my brother if he could come help me move them all. My husband ended up helping us loads, too, and it was a team project this morning for a couple hours of real labor. I am, indeed, excited for this progress today.

Also(!!!), I randomly came across a baby cage fencing thing – that’s what I call them, anyway – on Facebook Marketplace this afternoon. It had just been posted and was one I had never considered. I had only seen one before and even recommended something similar to what I had seen. Both were white and plastic, but clearly very useful for some peace of mind for a solo parent in the room for a bit with a baby who moves around already. This was was wooden. It was also almost double the length of the recommended one. New, it was the same price. But this used, like new one was for less than 60% of the new price. So, I asked the lady about how she liked it and how the wood compared to the plastic ones. We had a great little exchange, and I went to check it out in person this evening, after they’d returned from Church.

It ended up being an awesome time with their little family, figuring out how long the thing actually was and making sure I understood how to set it up (which was rather easy, but was helpful to know for sure how it all worked and to know all parts were present). The mom is a former police officer. She commented positively on my carrying a knife and being aware of safety in life. Then, as she put the cage thing into the car, she asked me if my husband was a pilot. I’d thought she’d seen the license plate, but my husband’s pilot shirt was hanging in the backseat. Turns out that her husband is a pilot for United Airlines right now, and he apparently loves to talk about all of it, so would love to connect with my husband.

It got super adorable when the almost-three-year-old girl had come next to the car, seen inside as her mom finished putting in the caging – I know, it’s a terrible term, but it’s al that’s come to mind right now – and pointed and said, “Daddy’s shirt!” A-dor-a-ble! We both laughed in great humor, and then talked at least another ten minutes about that and other parts of pregnancy and trusting God and Church and probably something else, too. I asked if we could actually connect, and she agreed, saying she was about to ask the same thing and offer her number. We chatted a bit more, and then I cut us off and said I’d let her get back inside to her family, who were adorably playing – we could just see them through the glass of the front door – and just that I needed to pay her first. She genuinely and adamantly told me, “Just take it.” She wouldn’t take any money. I cried, of course, and thanked her. We hugged. It was awesome. I went home delighted.

We might actually have found some people who could become our friends. Good people. And people who have common ground and experience, while also having been on every different paths in life thus far. Some of the best relationships can be that way. I hope it is God’s will that we all connect and stay connected.

Thank you, God, for the support and guidance and grace today. Please, have my husband or hers reach out to one another and connect well. Help us to be the people you call us to be. Make clear your will for us at each step, and help us to step confidently and at ease forward into whatever each next step is for us. Make me and the baby well, please, and keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Baby

Golly, this baby moves around a lot. In a way, it’s relieving to be able to feel all the physical movements, to have the bumping-bumping every time I stop moving for a couple minutes or more. Before, I just felt a sort of wishy-washy gurgling, like digestion but in the wrong place. And it made me all the more nauseous every time I tried to rest or relax. Now, we have confirmation that the extra nausea was coming from the little baby growing inside of me, and wasn’t just random waves of nausea. It really was real that going to bed and lying down made me feel more sick than I already felt.

It is still weird to feel the bumping so much, so often. But, I guess, it’s like the earthquakes in Japan. Once I adjusted to the Earth rumbling every week, reminding us that it is both there and a living piece of God’s creation, ever changing, it felt normal and right for the Earth to move and for me to feel it. We had a sort of relationship that brought us closer than ever before. It took a long time to adjust to a world that didn’t talk to me, so to speak, that didn’t remind me all the time that it was here, once I moved back to Texas. The baby’s movements remind me a lot of those earthquakes. As odd as they may have felt at the start and even still feel, they are becoming normal and are building a conscious closeness in the relationship between me and the baby. The more time we spend together with the baby bumping its way into my day and my conscience, the stronger the relationship feels. And I have a fondness now for the bumps. They still make me nauseous, which I don’t love at all. But I am growing accustomed to them, to this almost conversation we seem to be having, the baby and I.

Anyway, naturally, it has been bumping away as I write this, so I can’t much stand to look at a screen any longer right now. Goodnight.

God, make us well and safe, please. Keep my husband safe and well, please. Guide me always to be the person you call me to be, the best person I can be. Help me to do your will with ease and confidence and comfort, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024