Stress

Today was productive and also rough. We got the shelf we needed, as well as boxes that I think will work for under the bed storage, now that our bed is lower. I may or may not have gotten enough to hold the stuff that needs to go under the guest bed for the time being. I got this cute rocking horse for tiny toddlers. It’s old and solid wood and was only $7. Of course, I cleaned it with wood cleaner, and it ended up leaving a big white stain-type thing on the back of it. So, need to sort that out…

I also made it to the fabric store to check out some necessary items for these quilts I agreed to make for my dad. Have I ever made a full quilt? No. I’ve done part of one. By hand. But I did some solid research yesterday and today, and I believe I have my bearings and will be able to manage quite well in the end. At the fabric store, I was shocked by the prices of various tools. So, like when I used to shop at Target, I pulled out my phone and checked Amazon for the exact same items. I was shocked that every single item was at least 30% cheaper on Amazon, and some 40% and 50% cheaper. Plus, the store didn’t have exactly what I wanted on some items, and I found an even better option on Amazon. So, I ordered the whole lot from Amazon, to be delivered to my home tomorrow, for free, of course. So, that was awesome to have handled. And it was great to have gone in person to see certain things, because I discovered a backing fabric that likely will be an awesome addition to the quilts that also saves lots of effort on my part. So, very productive trip there.

On the other side of things…

Got in a verbal tussle with my husband about baby stuff. I’ve worked very hard to get the big deal stuff second-hand at an immense discount, because I didn’t see any other way for us to afford it all. I got help, especially when I was really sick, putting together the registry as a list of ‘to-get’ items for myself. Then, I went through and categorized everything I would be getting myself versus what actually was meant to go on the baby shower registry. Lots of thought and effort went into this registry. But my husband expressed today that he was frustrated I got anything second-hand, because he expected his family would have bought that stuff new for us. This, of course, was the first I’d heard of this expectation, and it surprised me. I specifically anticipated people’s not wanting to buy expensive items for us, and made sure I handled those myself. It took time for them all to pan out, too, as is the case with second-hand things. So, this wasn’t a sudden thing I did. And I was letting my husband know all along what I was getting and what purpose it served and that I was doing it because I didn’t see a way for us to afford it otherwise. He had plenty of opportunities to speak up, but he never did.

I spent hours figuring out free and cheap baby boxes from companies, which ones were actually worth the effort, and sorting out actually being able to get those boxes. Again, to save us costs. And at his recommendation.

Yet, somehow, it has felt that every single thing I sort out for the baby stuff and every singe thing I bring home just kind of, well, pisses off my husband. I told him that tonight. He was not happy about it. I was not gentle in delivering the message. I was distraught and energetically drained and still feeling immensely lonely in all of this. I was not kind to him the way I want to be. But I also was honest in all that I said. It has felt like I’m the only one making any effort on all of this, and like I’m all alone and he’s just mad at everything I do.

Obviously, we have some stuff to work on there. It was a rough time this evening.

And then, shortly afterward, he’d said he was going to study, and instead fell asleep in the new lounge chair. I roused him and asked him just to come to bed and get up to study in the morning. He just went back to sleep. So, on yet another point of feeling incredibly lonely, once again, I went and got ready for bed on my own, and am now going to bed and sleep alone. The irony of it tonight hurts a bit, though, his being just in the other room (versus at the gym). He could be in here, and my whole brain seems to cling to the sense of abandonment of this each night. I know he isn’t abandoning me. But my brain keeps seeing him pick just about anything other than coming to bed with me, no matter the time, and can’t help but feel I don’t much matter to him. I have sacrificed my sleep for a long time now in efforts to satisfy his wishes on a schedule. But it feels 98% of the time utterly ignored and not reciprocated. Which sucks.

So, something else to work on for us…

And my belly – baby and digestion stuff – is aching, not feeling good at all. I did eat some food today, but it was nowhere near enough. I ate a bunch of candy crap just to get in calories, but I’m almost certain I still got nowhere near where I needed to be for the day, which is a huge part of why my body feels so terribly crap right now.

So, more stress…

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Goodnight.

God, guide us in your love and on your will, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024