Month: December 2024

Well, the appointment went reasonably well today, it felt(!). There was a lot to get through, but we seemed to get through all of it okay. My family are super ADD, so it took some effort to keep on track, but we managed it, the midwife and I. Haha

She had said that everyone who would be at the birth would need to attend this appointment, so my friend and her four-year-old and her dog showed up, as well as my mom. My husband had just gotten home shortly before the appointment, and I let him nap in the chair until he was needed. And he did. He didn’t notice at all, apparently, as each group and person arrived and we got started going through things. But he wasn’t needed for the first part of the appointment, when we went through where certain items were in the house and what my plans were for this or that with the labor and delivery. When we got to the important parts where all of them had to be involved and pay attention, my friend smacked him on the arm (and nearly got whacked back automatically when he jolted awake), and we got going with everything.

I got a bit stressed when my husband and my mom started going on about how they don’t have the same preferences as I do on dates, as well as when my husband kept trying to tease about something or other.

1) It doesn’t matter what my preference is on a date of birth: The baby will come when it comes, and there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion on when I’d like for that to be. Just as they have opinions, I have my own opinion. All are acceptable. So, stop being borderline nasty to me about my having an opinion that differs from yours, please. (I’m also pregnant and hormone-filled and very sensitive, so cut it out, please.)

2) I’m pregnant and hormone-filled and very sensitive, so cut it out, please. I don’t need to be teased about something that for me is serious and/or important.

Otherwise, it seemed to be really good. My friend’s daughter was obsessed with photos in this book on birth, so that was special. She kept wanting to find the photos again and just look at them. They were of a woman giving birth, full frontal, legs splayed, specifically at the point where the head of the baby is the only thing sticking out so far from the mother’s groin. However, she also was clearly intrigued by other photos she crossed in the book of other women giving birth in various positions. A very intriguing day for homeschooling, indeed. (I mean, she already asked me Saturday, after saying hi to the baby in my belly, as she always does, if the baby was coming soon and if it were “gonna come out your vagina?” So, she’s learning the real stuff over there. Haha)

Anyway, I’m wiped. I have four books to finish before midnight tomorrow night. Plus my regularly scheduled tasks via my to-do list, an ever-evolving list on my phone that has loads of stuff still on it regarding things to be done before the baby is born. So, yeah… lots to do tomorrow(!).

God, thank you for this life and this home and my family. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe. Grant us an easy and wonderful labor and delivery for every child we have, please. Help us to trust in you and to be always guided by you, that we be our best selves every day and night. Thank you for the midwife. Thank you for my friends and our dog friends. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

For once, I was about to go to bed long before my husband got home. I was tired and ready to go to sleep, so I was almost finished getting ready for bed.

And then I got a text…

Fog had gotten so bad, he wasn’t going to be able to make it back to the airport where he had started today, and so needed me to come pick him up at a different one across town. So, I used the bathroom one last time, and got on the road for a 40-minute drive. Upon my arrival, he gets in the car, after a couple minutes of delay.

I start heading home and begin to ask him his plans for getting the plane back and his car back tomorrow, if he’ll just handle it after his morning lesson or try to do it all beforehand. He kind of freaks out on me, so I pull over to wait for whatever is causing him such stress. Turns out, he was expecting me to go a different way to get on a specific toll road, so that I could drive him to the other airport now. Why is this? He needs things from that car for his lesson in the morning.

I look up the distance. 58 minutes away. I almost cry. I already needed to pee – and can’t use public bathrooms at this point without having to shower again before bed – and was definitely pushing it on my exhaustion level. I share my utter frustration at his having never mentioned this. He told me he needed me to come get him. He didn’t say I also needed to take him somewhere other than home, nor that that would add over an hour to my drive time… to my delay in going to bed. Keep in mind, it is about 11:30pm at this point. I wouldn’t be dropping him off until 00:30, and then wouldn’t be getting home until close to 1:15. I could maybe handle staying awake that long, but not driving safely that long. It was beyond my abilities for the night. And he hadn’t even mentioned it until just now. Like he hadn’t had the past hour plus to let me know. And couldn’t have mentioned it in the first place…

So, we came home, instead. There was no way I could safely do it all tonight. It was bad enough for me getting up there, let alone getting home. He accepted all of this.

Now that we’ve arrived home, shortly after midnight, he has gotten into another car to drive himself down to the second airport. He’ll trade cars completely, so he’ll have everything he needs for his morning lesson, and leave the second car until we figure out picking it up later at some point. See, he has his morning lesson at nine for a few hours, but then we have an important home appointment with the midwife in the afternoon. So, his first chance to go back won’t be until late afternoon tomorrow. And we’ll see how I’m feeling st that point, anyway, and if I’m even able to take him then, or if it needs to be another day. I don’t want to waste money on an Uber. It isn’t worth the high cost, when it is truly just a bit of time and gasoline for us to do it ourselves. We can afford that kind of hassle, but not the Uber kind of financial expense to go so far across town.

Anyway, I’m wiped. Goodnight.

God, keep him safe, please. Help everything go smoothly and well for hs both tomorrow. Make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us always safe, please. Thank you for our home and our vehicles, especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

At this point, it feels like there is not any more space. My belly is so full and heavy, but it barely even moves when I lift it now. A week ago, I could lift the whole thing maybe an inch or two. It helped relieve sciatic pains and made it easier to walk. But today, just now, it seems like I can barely make it move. It mostly just sits there, full and heavy, when I lift up on it. It still will raise up, but very little compared to how much it moved a week ago.

Well, I think the thing said the baby is gaining about half a pound a week right now. So, perhaps that lines up with the belly changes…

Ugh… My body is dealing with a lot right now. I think my brain is waiting for our appointment on Monday to relax. If all goes well then, when the midwife comes to the house to establish everything needed for the labor and delivery, I think my brain and my body will relax on a level we have been incapable of considering lately. We have been on high alert lately, anxious to get everything checked off the lists, including the stuff that never made it onto the lists. (Yes, being realistic isn’t always my game.) So, yeah… once I get the okay from the midwife on Monday, I think my body and mind will be calm again and will prepare in a different way going forward.

God, help us to do well by you and by our baby. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe and together. Thank you for this life and marriage and pregnancy and opportunity. Help me to be my best self each day through your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, I had finally put up wedding photos back in October… I realized that I couldn’t put any of the new stuff without having the wedding stuff up there. I mean, though my mom regularly tells people when she runs into them that I am pregnant and due in January, and forgets to mention that I also got married this past January, I didn’t want to do that with my social media. Plus, I like having things I want to remember on there, like a sort of digital photo album or memory book for myself. And I want those things to be in order. So, even though it was October and I got married in January, I wanted to put up the photos. It took lots of time and effort, but I got it done over a series of days.

And then, I forgot to do anything else. I had wanted to let them be the photos up for a bit. But I hadn’t meant to leave it almost two months(!). Nevertheless, that happened.

Now, I’m about to deliver this beautiful miracle into the outside world, and I hadn’t even gotten past our wedding photos from back in January. I figured it made the most sense to have everything at least in the right year, so I wanted to get everything posted before this year ended.

And I think I can manage that. However, when I sorted quickly through photos and put into an album all the ones I might want to post, I ended up with several hundred photos. So, that’s not happening. But a lot are all the photos from an event, and I just have to sift quickly to pick which one or two or three I want from that event.

Even still, it was a bit overwhelming to see all together.

But I got started. And I’ve made it to the week of Easter so far. Tomorrow, I shall continue forward and get. Hopefully, through the summer. The day after, I’ll finish off through earlier this month. Hopefully, I will get our family photos up as the last bit before the new year hits(!).

I left it with the photos talking about our miscarriage for tonight, as the last post published. It just felt significant enough to have that one sit in a special space for, at least, a little bit. I want people to see and read it. It matters to me very much. I am proud of what I said and shared, and I want people to get it. So, I guess I’ll draft some posts right now, in preparation for tomorrow, as I’m very in the mood to keep chugging through those photos. Yes, that sounds like a very good idea. Thank you.

Thank you, God, for this blessed year. It has been hard, and we have had much loss. You have stayed with us and supported us through it all, and in beautiful and unanticipated ways. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

So, the egg ends out signals to tell the speed where it is, essentially calling them to itself. Then, it chooses which sperm to let inside, preventing all others from entering. (I guess some eggs can’t choose between two sperm, and so decide to accept them both, giving us one version of twins!)

Therefore, we can say that the egg produced by my body chose the sperm to create this baby. On a deeper level, my soul selected the sperm for the being it would help to create. The sperm determines the gender. So, my soul knowingly chose this sperm and its connected gender for this child.

Why would my whole entire being want this to be a girl, and yet my actual being would have selected a Y-chromosome sperm?

I cried very hard just now, thinking about this.

God, help me to trust you with ease. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and our building family. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will, being our best selves more and more each day. Keep us safe, please. Make this delivery legal and safe and easy for us all, please. Grant me your strength and comfort throughout it all, and help me to deliver this whole, healthy, perfect, beautiful baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, bodies hung in there today. It was tough, going to Church and my Grandma’s and also his brother’s house today. We only had about an hour plus at home after lunch to rest and relax before heading off to his brother’s house. And we stayed way longer than expected. We had a great time at the end, just hanging and talking with his brother for a couple hours after everyone else left. But it was still a very long day and a long time away from home.

Especially on a day we had anticipated to have almost entirely at home. So, it was good, but it also was a lot for us both.

Thank you, God, for the love and the blessings of today. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well and keep us safe. Help us to feel your love and that we are all and each wanted by you and by one another. Thank you for our home and our blessings. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I specifically wanted to have open and calm time for Christmas this year. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We wanted to celebrate as a little family in our own home. Mass together in public, then chilling together at home, reveling in the joy of the season and the gifts of God’s love and life.

My mom confirmed that nothing was planned. She mentioned that she probably would take my grandma to Church, then have lunch together, and we could join if we wanted. My husband’s family that live somewhat nearby invited everyone the other day to dinner on Christmas Day at their recently renovated nearby house. We agreed to go, since we didn’t have anything other than Church on the schedule, though with the contingency of ‘it I’m feeling up to it’. I have been very up and down these past weeks.

Anyway, my mom asked about having our family come over Christmas Eve for dinner and games, maybe a movie. I said we could do that if and only if my husband and I had to do nothing for it – no prep, no cleanup, no purchasing of food or anything else. If we just had to have our home be here, clean, then that could work for us. She agreed.

Then, my brother and his wife didn’t end up coming, as she wasn’t feeling well. My grandma also didn’t come, likely because she was being b-y and didn’t want to go anywhere. It was a nice time just hanging with my mom and stepdad. But my mom did not fully clean up what all she had done while over. It wasn’t terrible, but it was stressful for me. I have never been comfortable leaving dirty dishes sitting in the sink or on the countertops after an event. For me, the event isn’t over until everything is cleaned up. But she just left. So, I was rinsing dishes to load them in the dishwasher – by the way, this is very hard and uncomfortable for me, because I can now only reach the faucet by hunching forward, as my belly sticks out so much – and cleaning off the countertops. Two things I very specifically had requested not to have to do. When I mentioned this, of course, she got mad at me because ‘she had put forth all the rest of the effort’. Frankly, I don’t care. Not in a mean way. She just agreed to do something and then didn’t do it. If it was going to be too much for her, that’s on her to communicate about it and, also, not agree to it in the first place.

But she didn’t seem even to give it a thought beyond fussing at me for not liking how she left the kitchen.

So, that sucked.

And then, come to find out, our ‘if we’re feeling up to it’ invitation for tomorrow is not at all that. It is an expectation of attendance. So, she fussed at me more when I said that I had understood it to be an option, not a mandate. She also said she picked the tile specifically so we could attend. But I know she didn’t. She had already said before we had agreed to the dinner thing that she was planning to have lunch with my grandma after Mass. Perhaps the precise time was with us in mind, but the lunchtime event was not specifically because of us.

Interesting how my cousin and I were talking today about how many in our family have certain Autism Spectrum Disorder traits, the main one being that, if a schedule or a way of doing something that one of them has decided is challenged or changed in any sort of way, it is totally disaster and outrage for that individual. That individual can change things all he or she wants. But anyone else trying to change any bit of it, even if it is an irrelevant bit or it makes the piece or the whole loads better or more practical, it is still a total uproar and utterly unacceptable.

And that’s pretty much exactly what happened with my mom tonight on both points. She showed up almost an hour and a half after she had arranged for everyone to be here. No comment. She decided she didn’t want to finish cleaning up. No comment. I mention it, and she lashes out at me (not horribly, but lashes out nonetheless). She shifts the expectations for Christmas Day. No comment. I say something that is different from how she wanted it, and she lashes out at me again.

And yes, I was kind and calm in these interactions, and spoke respectfully. I didn’t even mention her running way late. If I had, though, I imagine she would have fussed at me like it was somehow my fault (likely because she was having to do all the prep… again, to which she agreed in the first place). Though, she is almost always running late, because she has absolutely no idea how long it actually takes her to do most things. Some things, she knows precisely. Most, though, she has no idea and always guesses horribly incorrectly. With cooking, I always add an extra 20% or so to whatever amount of time she thinks it’s going to take her. So, I was not at all surprised that she was nowhere near finished cooking by the time she was supposed to be already at our house.

Anyway…

Frustrating stuff tonight.

What’s more, my husband got through one set of his workout at the gym, and then apparently lost his whole dinner (which wasn’t a crazy dinner, by the way). He came back home, feeling dreadful, and lay down for a bit. But, by the time we needed to get ready for Midnight Mass, he was still very not okay.

So, we now have to go to Church tomorrow.

And we have to go to my grandma’s. And my husband’s brother’s house.

So much for having a restful Christmas.

I’m just hoping we both will sleep well tonight and feel well in the morning. I am trusting God to take care of us. I love Mass, and it is the whole point of this season and holiday. But my husband might need to rest and so might I. And we might only briefly say hi to both families for an abnormally short visit at each. And I might be the only one who goes to either. I am not going to stress about it. I am just trusting God to guide us clearly.

Thank you, God, for this life and for your love. Happy Christmas. Happy celebration of birth for your Son. Thank you for His love, too. And thank you, Holy Spirit, for being ever-present and actioning to much in this world for the better. Lord, make us well and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I realized tonight that I have low confidence in the balance of shared work after the baby is born. My husband barely notices an extremely loud alarm going off, and he rarely goes to bed before he is so tired that he passes out in a chair instead, and he also rarely gets up at a reasonable hour after having slept a reasonable amount. He does not manage his sleep well at all. And he also tends to have a very hard time shifting or changing anything about his routine, habits, or schedule. It’ll take him weeks most of the time just to make a simple shift in things. And almost never because I ask him to do so – that only makes it all the less likely to happen.

Perhaps things will be different after he takes this big test he’s been wanting to take. But I see that I kind of doubt it. He’ll just be on to the next thing he wants to do instead of managing his sleep or picking up his clothes or putting things back where they belong…

None of this is to say that I don’t love my husband or don’t want to be with him – I absolutely do love him and do want to be with him. But, when I see how other friends’ husbands have really taken part in taking care of the baby and the wife, truly making a difference and helping balance the load of everything that has to be done and the energy it takes… I see that I have little expectation of my husband ever doing any of that reliably, or, at least, without very begrudgingly doing it and, likely, being always hassled about it. (Which, of course, makes it feel like I’m forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do, and like I’m just not doing a good enough job and need to sort myself out, and ‘Why can’t I just handle it all better?’.)

I’m certainly hoping it won’t be that way – I really am. But I noticed tonight that my brain truly doesn’t believe it will go much differently than I have just described. And that kind of really sucks… no wonder I’ve been so absurdly stressed about getting everything ready before the baby arrives. I’ve been subconsciously anticipating having to do just about everything all on my own, or else battle with him and beg him to help me with this or that odd task, likely resulting in my exhausted crying and telling him to leave it alone, because I don’t want to be around his frustration at being guilted into something, or whatever…

No wonder I’m so panicked and stressed… no wonder…

God, help me to trust you fully and to release this panic and stress. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Have you ever had a different view than someone on something, and genuinely not been able to understand that person’s viewpoint? I don’t mean the logic of the viewpoint, so much as what has the person maintain the stance. Given the evidence, given what’s so, how can the person still hold that viewpoint?

…

I just don’t understand it, and it truly makes me want to weep.

God, heal us, please, and make us whole and holy and with you in this life. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

If the baby absorbs that which I experience during pregnancy, then this baby has been through a lot of strain and stress so far in life. And I don’t like that. I rather dislike it. I don’t feel guilty for it – it has simply been the life I’ve lived lately. I do, however, want to heal this for both the baby and me.

God, help me to heal this baby wherever and however it may need healing, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for this growing family. Help us always to be our best selves, the people you call us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024