Expression

It had been harder than ever to express myself well when upset these days. I have not been doing a very good job of it. Actually, I have been doing a very good job of communicating my frustration and upset and all. I have, however, not been kind in doing so. My emotions run so hard these days, when I am upset about something, I go from saying very calmly that I want it to go a certain way or I want something to stop or whatever, to, only beats later, borderline freaking out and straight up yelling and crying about it. It’s like a toddler learning to use a toilet. When she says she needs to potty, she doesn’t mean soon – she means now. Her bladder requires immediate compliance, or there will be urine on the floor in the next five to twenty seconds, depending on how far along into the training she is.

My emotions have been similar lately. I can communicate once about something. I can even seem reasonably calm and chill at times with this initial communication. If, however, the request isn’t met or the problem isn’t receiving immediate attention, my brain cannot keep itself together anymore, and a sort of explosion of emotion happens, also within five to twenty seconds, depending on how much the thing is bothering me.

Is this reasonable? Of course not.

Can I do much to improve it? Not so far.

Perhaps if I weren’t so calm for the first request, it might communicate more effectively that the situation is, in fact, a big deal. Not so sure, though…

I must think on this. It is weighing heavily on both me and my husband, and even a bit on my mom, too. I’m just, basically, miserable in a lot of ways, and the stuff that bothers me really bothers me. And being disregarded makes it all the worse, that being how it feels when the other doesn’t respond accordingly to my request.

Anyway… I don’t want to be mean or nasty or bossy or angry. I want to be loving. I’m having a very hard time doing the latter instead of the former, though.

God, help me to be well and to express your love through my words and actions consistently each day and night. Make me and the baby and my husband whole and well, please, and keep us safe. Help my husband to accept my suffering without fighting it. Help me to breathe easily. Bring this baby safely and naturally fully into our lives on 11 January, please. Please, heal my right shin. Also, feel welcomed and free to release me of the sciatic nerve pain. All of this following your will, of course. Thank you for the dog today and for his love – may he rest in peace through you. Thank you for this home and your love and this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024