Hmm

I realized tonight that I have low confidence in the balance of shared work after the baby is born. My husband barely notices an extremely loud alarm going off, and he rarely goes to bed before he is so tired that he passes out in a chair instead, and he also rarely gets up at a reasonable hour after having slept a reasonable amount. He does not manage his sleep well at all. And he also tends to have a very hard time shifting or changing anything about his routine, habits, or schedule. It’ll take him weeks most of the time just to make a simple shift in things. And almost never because I ask him to do so – that only makes it all the less likely to happen.

Perhaps things will be different after he takes this big test he’s been wanting to take. But I see that I kind of doubt it. He’ll just be on to the next thing he wants to do instead of managing his sleep or picking up his clothes or putting things back where they belong…

None of this is to say that I don’t love my husband or don’t want to be with him – I absolutely do love him and do want to be with him. But, when I see how other friends’ husbands have really taken part in taking care of the baby and the wife, truly making a difference and helping balance the load of everything that has to be done and the energy it takes… I see that I have little expectation of my husband ever doing any of that reliably, or, at least, without very begrudgingly doing it and, likely, being always hassled about it. (Which, of course, makes it feel like I’m forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do, and like I’m just not doing a good enough job and need to sort myself out, and ‘Why can’t I just handle it all better?’.)

I’m certainly hoping it won’t be that way – I really am. But I noticed tonight that my brain truly doesn’t believe it will go much differently than I have just described. And that kind of really sucks… no wonder I’ve been so absurdly stressed about getting everything ready before the baby arrives. I’ve been subconsciously anticipating having to do just about everything all on my own, or else battle with him and beg him to help me with this or that odd task, likely resulting in my exhausted crying and telling him to leave it alone, because I don’t want to be around his frustration at being guilted into something, or whatever…

No wonder I’m so panicked and stressed… no wonder…

God, help me to trust you fully and to release this panic and stress. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024