It is cold again, and I am very grateful. It got warm for a day and a half, and it was too much for me, somehow. Pregnancy – this time around, at least – is not a fan of warm weather; only cold weather.
God, help me and the baby and my husband to be well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Bring our baby out to us easily and naturally on January 11, if it be your will. Our baby girl. 🙂 In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I now have what is called linea negra. Literally, it means “black line”. It, however, is not black. It’s actually pretty much exactly turmeric colored. But it is a line. And a circle.
So, it’s the whole of my belly button, and then a straight line descending from the navel several inches. It looks like I colored myself with turmeric paste. I forgot to get a good photo in the daylight, and today was really overcast, so the photo I do have is kind of subtle, but still totally noticeable. Nonetheless, enjoy the view of this oddity that apparently is totally normal during pregnancy and completely safe. But also very weird.
Post-a-day 2024
Sometimes, I forget that I’m not just tired and feeling unwell but that I’m pregnant. Until I stand up and start heading to the bathroom, I have these odd and almost-peaceful moments of just feeling kind of crappy. This is a bonus, because with them comes the background expectation that the crappy feeling will be gone within a few days at most, as with any typical winter weather cold or illness.
However, as I totter towards the bathroom and suddenly feel my massive belly protruding before me, it re-registers for me that I am not simply dealing with a winter cold, but am pregnant. And the feelings will not go away in the next 24-48 hours.
::sigh
Also, I am on the brink of another small mental breakdown. Tonight, as I was putting on my hydration oils for my belly and breasts, I saw that the early stretch marks have suddenly appeared all around my breasts, not just on the two original spots from a couple weeks ago. I think I have not let it settle fully into my mind. If I had, I am sure I would be bawling. I know they’re okay to have and they’re marking something wonderful and amazing. But I also only recently have gotten to be that woman I have always longed to be, the sexy, gorgeous, sweet, loving, and totally fit woman who has a “You’re welcome” body. Let alone to be able to share that with someone directly. My brain is already starting to process my being the changed, stretched, unfit, slightly miserable mom whose husband now finds other young and fit women much more attractive than she, though he is still grateful for all that she does and for the children that they have together.
It’s a whole drama I never understood suddenly making sense in my head as my body is beginning to do these things that remove me from the physical person I worked so hard for so long to become.
Anyway… rough emotional time to come shortly for that one, to be sure.
God, help me to heal wholly, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us and our home safe. Thank you for this life. Heal my scars, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Just because we don’t like what true data tells us doesn’t make it untrue information.
Seriously.
Post-a-day 2024
Tonight, my mom and I attended La Posada at the local seminary. It was, apparently, the first time they had hosted one, but we both were glad we had found out about it and went – it was great. I hadn’t attended one for, possibly, 13 years, and I really like the tradition.
For those who don’t know, Posada means “Inn”, like the hotel. La Posada is an event where, as a group, everyone goes around to various pre-determined spots and does a sort of reenactment of Mary and Joseph’s journey and efforts to find a place to stay and for the baby to be born. They ask and are rejected at multiple spots before finally being welcomed into the final location. There are prayers and songs and easy walking, and it is a bizarrely wonderful time.
What was odd about it this time for me, however, was the I was pregnant, expecting my own child to arrive in only five weeks. So, I had moments where the walking was very difficult for me, and I was able to connect in new ways to Mary’s experience doing all of this moving about. Sure, she rode the donkey, but I would imagine she didn’t always ride it. How could she stand being in the position for so long?
Ironically, no one rode the donkey tonight. It just wakes along with us and the dressed-up teenage Mary and Joseph (also an odd feeling to consider that they likely were appropriately cast tonight in terms of their ages). The Mary, of course, was not pregnant. I imagined at first that I could have played a good Mary, until I realized that I’m basically double the age Mary was when she was carrying the baby Jesus. That aside, though, I look very perfect physically to play a pregnant Mary right now.
Hmm… any last-minute Christmas pageants or nativity scenes need me??
Thank you, God, for guiding us to this event tonight. Thank you for the delicious and unexpected Mexican Coca-Cola that was ice cold and perfect. Please, guide the seminarians to see clearly your will in their lives, and grant that they follow it with ease. Release them of what holds them back from following your will with ease. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and whole, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and this life and its love. Please, keep my husband and my brother safe in their flying. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
It had been harder than ever to express myself well when upset these days. I have not been doing a very good job of it. Actually, I have been doing a very good job of communicating my frustration and upset and all. I have, however, not been kind in doing so. My emotions run so hard these days, when I am upset about something, I go from saying very calmly that I want it to go a certain way or I want something to stop or whatever, to, only beats later, borderline freaking out and straight up yelling and crying about it. It’s like a toddler learning to use a toilet. When she says she needs to potty, she doesn’t mean soon – she means now. Her bladder requires immediate compliance, or there will be urine on the floor in the next five to twenty seconds, depending on how far along into the training she is.
My emotions have been similar lately. I can communicate once about something. I can even seem reasonably calm and chill at times with this initial communication. If, however, the request isn’t met or the problem isn’t receiving immediate attention, my brain cannot keep itself together anymore, and a sort of explosion of emotion happens, also within five to twenty seconds, depending on how much the thing is bothering me.
Is this reasonable? Of course not.
Can I do much to improve it? Not so far.
Perhaps if I weren’t so calm for the first request, it might communicate more effectively that the situation is, in fact, a big deal. Not so sure, though…
I must think on this. It is weighing heavily on both me and my husband, and even a bit on my mom, too. I’m just, basically, miserable in a lot of ways, and the stuff that bothers me really bothers me. And being disregarded makes it all the worse, that being how it feels when the other doesn’t respond accordingly to my request.
Anyway… I don’t want to be mean or nasty or bossy or angry. I want to be loving. I’m having a very hard time doing the latter instead of the former, though.
God, help me to be well and to express your love through my words and actions consistently each day and night. Make me and the baby and my husband whole and well, please, and keep us safe. Help my husband to accept my suffering without fighting it. Help me to breathe easily. Bring this baby safely and naturally fully into our lives on 11 January, please. Please, heal my right shin. Also, feel welcomed and free to release me of the sciatic nerve pain. All of this following your will, of course. Thank you for the dog today and for his love – may he rest in peace through you. Thank you for this home and your love and this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Being incapable of so many normal things, and being in intense nerve pain, combined with feeling exhausted and worthless and being hungry but unable to look at or talk about food… this is a not-fun feeling.
Post-a-day 2024
My mom had arranged to come over this evening to pick up more of her things from the shower and then to watch a Christmas movie together. She ended up coming later than planned, and she ended up taking longer than planned to pack up things into her car – there’s still much more for her to take home, but she took a good chunk tonight. So, we still hadn’t started the movie well after my Grandma had gone to sleep. This is relevant, because my cousin, who is visiting town until tomorrow afternoon, didn’t want to leave my grandma’s until after she had gone to bed.
So, my mom let my cousin know that we still hadn’t started the film, so to come on over if he was still interested and willing. And he came over.
We ended up watching the film Elf. This is not just one of our favorite Christmas films, but one of our favorite films period. We have never been much into Will Farrell movies, but this Jon Favreau film was truly a perfect role for him to fill, and he filled it spectacularly.
But get this: My cousin had never seen the film. It’s 21 years old now, but my cousin somehow never saw it. We both saw it when it was new and bought the VHS, we had liked it so much.
Nonetheless, it was his first time viewing the film. He had seen a dumb clip at some point and didn’t think much of it, so she never pursued seeing the film either. Tonight, he watched it. From the opening sequence, he was in love. Being present for all of his reactions throughout the film made it one of the best viewings we’ve ever had of the film, likely only second to our own very first viewing. Whatever the case, it was awesome getting to be with my cousin while he experienced this movie for the first time. He absolutely loved it and is now a huge fan of the film.
It really is just a good film. Well done, all. Well done!
Thank you, God, for good films and for fun. Thank you for my family. Please, make us well and keep us safe, my husband and the baby and me especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Well, my appointment today was for 32 weeks of pregnancy. Technically, yesterday was the end of the week and today was the first day of the new one (because we made the baby on a Saturday and my previous menstruation had started on a Monday).
As usual, the measurement of my belly was exactly the number of centimeters as I am weeks pregnant. Today measured 32cm precisely. Wild.
Also, my waist st my belly button right now is absurd. My normal waist measurement is 24″. As of this weekend, my belly at its widest part measured 41″.
Also, we went to RenFest yesterday. My mom and husband and I were all tired, but we did it anyway and had a good time together. As my mom mentioned, it was our last time pre-children, so it was actually nice to go, even though we all had been open to the idea of skipping this year altogether. I had someone with an industrial sewing machine help me stick together these leather scraps I had from the rodeo a couple years ago, and my pregnant version of my outfit turned out rather decent. It certainly wasn’t as chic or as appealing as my normal one, but still cool and appropriate. Plus, it was fun to make out of scraps.
Thank you, God, for our safety and fun. Make my family safe, please, and keep us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I’m really just tired of a lot right now.
God, help me to see your immediate path for me, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and this baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
hannah ananas 