Another day

The midwife said she expects anyone else in my situation would start feeling physically better after tomorrow. She hopes I will be like everyone else in this case. Her only concern on it is how I am hypersensitive and very aware of things going on in my body, and that that sensitivity will make things feel worse for longer. However, if people start improving at that point, there’s no reason I wouldn’t start improving, too. I might feel worse than the average person still – as I likely do right now – but I would start feeling better than how I have thus far felt.

So, that is a positive.

Dear Lord, please, keep us safe and well. Help my nipples to heal quickly and easily, and grant us an easy relationship with nursing. Thank you for all the love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Family nap time

This was a gorgeous time for us today. We all three were exhausted, and somehow ended up in a family nap together, bonding via sleep. Totally adorable and wonderful. But my body seriously aches, both from the physical effort of it all and from the actual things that went off-kilter in the labor and delivery – by God’s design, not by any human error or anything in the process. Everyone did a great job supporting me and the baby throughout it all. But the baby’s hand was in compound presentation, meaning that her right hand was up by her left ear. That makes the circumference of her “head” much larger to push out. So, that was painful in an intense way, and the resulting shredding of my vagina has been an intense addition to my recovery.

God, help us to heal and to bond together as a family, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Gobsmacked

“When are you due?”

“Yesterday.”

A conversation I got to have multiple times today. Each time, the questioner was clearly gobsmacked.

But it was kind of fun. Haha

Aside from feeling physically very rough as a whole.

Nonetheless, it was cool to get to enjoy being pregnant in public today.

Thank you, God. Bless us with a healthy and whole baby, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Still didn’t have it right…)

Due dates

As expected, due dates are total nonsense. It’s a random day that is simply around when the baby will come out. An educated shot in the dark.

This is our baby on its due date today…

Mom is physically really struggling at this point, by the way. Me tell, she’s doing much better since having cleared the other night. However, the physical side is getting really tough at this point.

God, help me to heal fully. Grant this baby safe and natural entry into this world of having a body on its own. Help us to have a comfortable, love-filled, easy labor and delivery here at home together. Make the baby and me and my husband well and whole and safe, please. Thank you for this opportunity. I hand it over to you, fears and concerns and doubts and all. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Nope)

Heart rates

So, my heart rate – this is not true resting, but my average hesitate at any given point in the day – is about 60 beats per minute. Yes, it goes higher, and it is even lower when I am sitting around or lying down. For example, I just put in my retainers, used the bathroom, and put on oil and lotion before stretching and lying down in my bed. My current heart rate is 51 beats per minute.

Every time I have a prenatal appointment, the midwife tells me happily that she loves my blood pressure and heart rate. The first time she checked my heart rate, she sat there the full minute just to see for sure. I still remember her saying, “Nope. Not even sixty!” somewhat baffled and slightly chuckling. She was amazed, in a way. The highest mine has been in a normal appointment with her was, I believe, 64bpm.

However, the other day, we were moving me all around to check out some things, and I had been up and down and turning and talking, and all in a very short timeframe. So, she said she wanted to wait a couple minutes to check my vitals, so things could settle after such high level movements and efforts (getting up and down and moving around a bunch at 39 weeks pregnant is not easily done, to be sure).

But, as I sat on the sofa to ‘rest’, I ended up talking about something that had me very excited. I was quite animated and moving my arms around and even getting myself a bit out of breath in my excitement. (Naturally, I have no idea at this point what I was discussing, but I remember noticing afterward how excited I had gotten in talking about it.)

When she came over to the sofa to check my blood pressure and heart rate, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be calming down, not riling myself up. So, as she starting pumping up the cuff, I quickly turned inward, closed my eyes, dropped my head to focus, and relaxed intentionally into slow, deep breaths.

Not long after doing this, I felt the midwife turn when head to look up at me, and so I opened my eyes and turned to look at her. ‘Well, according to this, you died for a second there!’ We both laughed, and I asked what she meant. She said that everything had just come to a halt, jumping from high and fast to low and slow. I told her what I had done, and she said it made sense, but was clearly still impressed.

Turns out, in a matter of seconds, my heart rate had gone from 74bpm to 47bpm. No wonder it sounded like I had died for a second there – that is an absurd drop in the first place, let alone to have happen in mere seconds.

Guess all my training in athletics and yoga and meditation kicked in very effectively there. Not only did I grow up with all sorts of sports and learning to manage and control my breath for optimum use and physical output, but I am a certified yoga instructor, and I have a certificate that basically says I spent 200 hours working intentionally on my breath (that’s pretty much half the point of the specific teacher training I did, after all). Haha

All that to say that it was really cool to see how being intentional with my focus and breathing could affect my body so clearly and directly and efficiently. And to have actual data to qualify the effort – that’s what was really cool about it all. It was awesome.

Okay, now I go to sleep. Goodnight.

Dear Lord, please, let this due date mean something for our baby’s birth – have it be born on this due date, please. Make us ready in any ways we have yet to be ready, and make the baby ready in any ways it has yet to be ready. Prepare us all fully, please, and guide us forward into this beautiful family you have offered to us. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe and whole, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Cleared

Okay, I have cleared. I am ready for this labor and delivery and baby. I can feel the physical difference of the weight having been lifted off my entire body, especially my shoulders and my belly. This is cool stuff.

Thank you, God, for these blessings. Help us to have this beautiful and love-filled experience. Be with us and guide us always, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well and whole, please, and keep us safe and together and with you. Thank you for our home and for this blessing. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. My husband’s afternoon flight got cancelled, which was frustrating for his testing, but which blessed us with the opportunity to go have an awesome anniversary lunch together at a restaurant we both very much enjoy. It was wonderful to be together in that way and to enjoy such wonderful and filling food together. Such a great date. I’m so grateful to have my husband as my husband. Thank you, Lord, for bringing us together. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Nope…)

Crap day

I’m tired of being alone so much of the time. I borderline hate my daily life at this point. For the most part, I feel miserable and alone, plus physically horrible and utterly incapable. Loads of pressure from others to do whatever it is their way, and like I’m not allowed to have my own opinion about things.

A main part of my sense of loneliness lately has been the baby’s movements. Whenever I go to bed, the baby shifts around and stretches out like crazy. It stretches during the day, too, which is all the same experience for me. At night, though, it is quite overwhelming. And there’s no one to experience it with me. I just get to lie here is semi-misery and semi-awe, all by myself, feeling like I’m crazy for the movements being a big deal. But no one is here even to witness them with me, and so I get to suffer it all alone and try desperately to fall asleep, also alone. On the rare nights that my husband goes to bed when I do, it is a massive comfort for me, both through his physical presence and touch and through his, with his hand on my belly, also feeling how wild and awesome the movements of this baby are. We get to experience them together. No, they don’t make him feel sick and like he might hurl and wants to cry. But he still experiences them with me, and that helps me find humor in them and actually enjoy them, despite the discomfort of them.

The high point of my day lately has been when I chat with my dad over the phone and we commiserate about how miserable we both are, my for my pregnancy and loneliness and his for his recent knee surgery and the horrible recovery it has been so far for him. Neither of us likes having to be stagnant, and we have both very much so had to be recently. It has been really tough on us both.

Separately, we had a schedule change today due to another personal issue for an instructor at my husband’s school, so he didn’t get to do his testing today – this is the last part of required testing before he can start working, roughly week 17 or 18 in a course that is supposed to take 4-5 weeks, according to the school… who keeps screwing him over on scheduling again and again… like today. So, instead of spending time together on our first anniversary, he will be up at the airport all day tomorrow, and then in a training in the evening. I imagine that, by the time he gets home, I’ll already be in bed. If I’m taking care of myself like I should, that is.

I had thought he might adjust things ever so slightly to spend some time with me this evening, since he’ll be gone all day and night tomorrow. However, I didn’t specify to him that I would appreciate this, and it seems it didn’t occur to him that it even was an idea. So, that didn’t happen and it sucks. I spent most of the day crocheting by myself today, which is very much not fun or very enjoyable as a full day’s activity. Looks like tomorrow will be more of the same.

Just more of the trial by fire crap we’ve been getting the whole past year already. And, yes, it still sucks.

Oh, and, by the way, we still have rats running around in the attic.

Post-a-day 2025

(Still forgot)

Snow day

Today was a snow day in Houston. We had a great time playing. But still no baby.

I had hoped to get an adorable photos of the baby resting on top of the snow. But it’s still inside of me, so this was the best we could do.

Also, the chickens were interesting to see in the snow today.

Post-a-day 2024