Today was a very rough day. I cried a lot and for many different reasons.
The main bits, I suppose are mentioned in what I wrote this afternoon, shown here:
I’m now reknitting this beanie, because the sizing and shape didn’t work out like I want. Which I don’t actually much mind – it’ll be quicker this way than the first time, anyway. But I’m in a space of frustration, because it’s probably going to be for a baby boy, which I get to feel guilty for having not wanted first, and also will have to deal with everyone being righteous about that they knew it was a boy and I just have known and didn’t tell anyone, including Patrick’s mom who claimed that I’m lying to him about it; and the baby is going to be born right at our anniversary, which is also another thing that is exactly what I had hoped and prayed not to have happen
So, I’m getting to feel like a horrible human being about this absolute miracle
I picked the green because it’s a beautiful color and will look good on our skin tone and is seasonally appropriate
And green is calming and feels good
Also, the gym closed early today and Patrick hadn’t told me that. So, I was preparing to go with him once he got home a while ago from dropping off something up north. But then he told me that we can’t go. So, also crushed about that, because it’s too cold for me to walk outside now, since I don’t have enough clothes that fit me and are layerable
I just had seen this and loved it But they don’t sell the hat – just the onesie
Also, the bomb my husband landed of that we can’t use the pediatrician I had wanted to use, because we can’t afford it. That one kind of started off the first round of tears and intense frustration. I have been working these past months to have all of these things handled. It has felt like my husband has avoided most things to do with being prepared for the baby. He has focused solely on his lessons. Those are important, yes. But they also aren’t the only thing that matters. And, at this point, they aren’t as helpful as much of the practical, daily life necessities that have yet to be sorted around having the baby. So, I’ve been really struggling that I did all the stuff by 36 weeks gestation, as we were told to have done by the midwife. We are now at 38 weeks, and so much of his stuff still isn’t handled. Very different approaches to the same things, and it has become extremely frustrating for me. The high emotions of the pregnancy and being so tired of being so sick have only added to the strain of it all.
One positive is that my mom said she would handle the first month’s costs for the pediatrician. So, we can have some breathing room on figuring out what we will do longer term. By then, we might have financial means to stay with the pediatrician. If not, hopefully, we will have found somewhere else we like that we actually can afford. But we don’t have to worry about any of that right now, and that helps me breathe much easier on that front, to be sure. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, God.
Anyway, really tough day today. But we ended with a sort of at-home date night. My husband made us fun drinks, we watched (yet again) a movie that we both really love, and we even had some physically close time (it really is dumb that we have nowhere to cuddle easily in our living room, and making it work in bizarre ways really is exhausting, especially with my being so huge and heavy right now… but we made it work at least once more). It helped me a lot, emotionally and psychologically.
A friend asked me today what I find myself needing more of right now. I wasn’t sure at first. She asked about what I had found that has been able to ground and calm me. I shared that being held by my husband, especially having skin-to-skin contact in any way, has been the most helpful thing lately. I just want to be held and pet like a dog, basically. So, the little bit tonight went a long way. Hopefully, we get to cuddle overnight, too, as that helps the most right now and would be a very positive end to such a day. The day did improve, yes. My husband was even really great when I was just suddenly outright balling while knitting, and I shared with him my experience of guilt around not wanting things the way they were turning out, that is that I wanted what was not God’s will, and I was feeling horrible for it. Lots of shoulds there. I eventually told the devil to leave, and said the name of Jesus three times to calm myself, and it actually helped me feel a weight release off of me. Quite bizarre, to be sure. But, also, my husband reassured me that it’s okay to want something different from God’s will for us. After all, there have been many times I have wanted things to go one way or another, and they didn’t. It was ultimately for the better, but I was sad at the time for not having the desire results. I never, however, felt guilty about having wanted what I had wanted. This situation need not be any different. It’s okay for me to want what I want. I can still learn to love and embrace what does happen, when it happens, whatever it happens to be.
Anyway… so, yeah. Haha. Tough day that settled somewhat. But tough, nonetheless.
Thank you, God, for your love and your guidance. Help me to see the beauty of your plan and your will, please. Help to heal J, and to live a long life with us, if that be your will. Grant all involved ease and pure love and honesty and connection with one another. Help us all to love well. Thank you for this baby and this marriage. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Guide us through, please. Help us always to dispel the devil and his workers. In your name, I pray. Amen.
hannah ananas 