I’m tired of being alone so much of the time. I borderline hate my daily life at this point. For the most part, I feel miserable and alone, plus physically horrible and utterly incapable. Loads of pressure from others to do whatever it is their way, and like I’m not allowed to have my own opinion about things.
A main part of my sense of loneliness lately has been the baby’s movements. Whenever I go to bed, the baby shifts around and stretches out like crazy. It stretches during the day, too, which is all the same experience for me. At night, though, it is quite overwhelming. And there’s no one to experience it with me. I just get to lie here is semi-misery and semi-awe, all by myself, feeling like I’m crazy for the movements being a big deal. But no one is here even to witness them with me, and so I get to suffer it all alone and try desperately to fall asleep, also alone. On the rare nights that my husband goes to bed when I do, it is a massive comfort for me, both through his physical presence and touch and through his, with his hand on my belly, also feeling how wild and awesome the movements of this baby are. We get to experience them together. No, they don’t make him feel sick and like he might hurl and wants to cry. But he still experiences them with me, and that helps me find humor in them and actually enjoy them, despite the discomfort of them.
The high point of my day lately has been when I chat with my dad over the phone and we commiserate about how miserable we both are, my for my pregnancy and loneliness and his for his recent knee surgery and the horrible recovery it has been so far for him. Neither of us likes having to be stagnant, and we have both very much so had to be recently. It has been really tough on us both.
Separately, we had a schedule change today due to another personal issue for an instructor at my husband’s school, so he didn’t get to do his testing today – this is the last part of required testing before he can start working, roughly week 17 or 18 in a course that is supposed to take 4-5 weeks, according to the school… who keeps screwing him over on scheduling again and again… like today. So, instead of spending time together on our first anniversary, he will be up at the airport all day tomorrow, and then in a training in the evening. I imagine that, by the time he gets home, I’ll already be in bed. If I’m taking care of myself like I should, that is.
I had thought he might adjust things ever so slightly to spend some time with me this evening, since he’ll be gone all day and night tomorrow. However, I didn’t specify to him that I would appreciate this, and it seems it didn’t occur to him that it even was an idea. So, that didn’t happen and it sucks. I spent most of the day crocheting by myself today, which is very much not fun or very enjoyable as a full day’s activity. Looks like tomorrow will be more of the same.
Just more of the trial by fire crap we’ve been getting the whole past year already. And, yes, it still sucks.
Oh, and, by the way, we still have rats running around in the attic.
Post-a-day 2025
(Still forgot)
hannah ananas 