Screams

She cried and screamed for almost two hours straight this evening due to digestion. I cried a good chunk of that time with her. She even cried so hard and for so long that she threw up everything she had consumed. There were many regular large pukes, but the shocking tidal wave made it clear that nothing was left behind. It was so sad and crushing to witness. Let alone the fact that it was getting all over both of us and the rug and the chair and the everything nearby each time… The more she cried, the hungrier she got. But even the smallest nursing resettled in puking it up again a few minutes later after she’d pulled off to keep screaming about the digestive pains. My heart hurt so terribly for her. My body hurt so terribly for how it must somehow be my fault…

I had a few times in those two hours where I wanted to hit something or throw something. But I remained present and kept my daughter safe. I noticed that it is harder to want to help her when she is crying so hard, because I can’t see her eyes. The moment I see her eyes, my whole being hurts for her and wants to help her. Without seeing them, it is much easier to be annoyed than to want to ease her pains for her own sake. But the point is that I have noticed this and so am using it to do better each time. I’m still not able to help her much of the time when she struggles with digestion. But I am working on staying present and remembering that it’s okay that all I can do isn’t enough to relieve her pain.

No matter how much it hurts to think that…

God, help me to heal her pains. Grant me the gift of always releasing my daughter’s struggles and pains, with her support. Help me to love her always, especially when her actions are difficult for me, be they intentional or not. Guide me to be the loving mother you have always called me and made me to be. Keep my husband and the baby and me safe, please, and make us all three well and whole. Make her intestines work marvelously, please, and always properly. Thank you for this life and for my husband. Thank you for our baby. Heal her intestines, please, and now for always, please. Also, please, heal my abdomen and my skin and groin area, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025