I have been working the past few years on speaking up for myself. It is rarely not hard and scary, and it often creates stress. But it also often results in a positive for me, be it in the result I wanted or in confirmation that things won’t change, thereby still giving me relief that I did what I could and it happened a certain way despite my efforts, not due to a lack of them.
Tomorrow is an example of a complicated one. I gave my honest thoughts on the idea of my husband being gone for at least 12 hours straight – not in favor – and it seems to have upset my husband greatly. He didn’t speak up about it, and so the time was too late to change things by the time I found out he was pissed. But I realized that that truly was okay. It means a lot to me that he was willing to support me instead of taking the extra flight block in the morning. Also, mornings tend to be very hard for me – lots of breakdowns when I’m on my own with the baby in the morning. Usually also a lot of mess to clean up afterward, too. Things just don’t go very well when I’m flying solo in the mornings right now.
My mom pointed out that he needs to be flying every chance he gets. But I think it is also important that we not let me fall by the wayside in the process. That happened for a couple weeks, when my mom stopped staying with us and my husband was gone several days for big chunks of time, because he was taking every flight block they gave him. But I had to speak up then and say I can’t handle more than about three hours all on my own.
I can do more than that now. But mornings are still very hard for me. And doing a 12+-hour stint that starts at roughly 6:30 in the morning just makes me want to cry, it feels so daunting. Had we been home two hours plus sooner tonight, I could be more open to the idea. But I got ready for bed right away when we got home, and I took less time than usual getting ready for bed, but it is still already almost eleven. If we were two hours earlier right now, it would be a very different story. As it stands, tomorrow will be rough without my husband even with his not leaving until around ten instead of 6:30.
So, it’s scary to sit in this space of feeling like I should feel guilty, while also knowing that guilt has nothing to do with what works. It doesn’t work to leave me alone with the baby for too long period. It also doesn’t work to leave me alone with the baby for 12+ hours starting at 6:30 in the morning. Things are improving greatly for me, but we aren’t there yet. Not yet.
Thank you, God, for the strength and the clarity to share honestly my thoughts and needs. Brent me the grace to speak always with love, especially with my family. Thank you for my husband. Please, keep him safe and make him well. Heal our daughter’s digestion, please – make her stronger and healthier than I ever have been. Make us well as a family and physically, and keep us safe, please. Show us clearly your way. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 