Screaming

I chose to go visit with our old neighbors tonight at their house; I didn’t want to be alone for however long it would take for my husband to get home. I arrived before they did, and so went inside. I was barely saying hi to the dog when I suddenly had to rush to the bathroom to poop.

So, I was in the bathroom with the baby and the stroller squeezed in there with me. As soon as I pooped, which was incredibly quick, the baby started crying big time. So, I grabbed her and went ahead and started nursing her.

That went okay… the friends got home and their two-year-old started asking, “Miss Hannah? Miss Hannah? […] Are you in there?” I told her that I was, and let the neighbors know that we’d be a bit. I managed to nurse her a decent bit, but she started crying all the harder, clearly struggling with gas.

So, I set her back in the stroller and handled cleaning myself up (i.e. wiping my butt and washing my hands) while she started to scream.

As soon as I finished, I picked her up and took her out into the house. When she didn’t settle, I went out back with her, both to give her a change of setting and to stop exposing the old neighbors to her incessant gas screaming.

She was able to chill for a bit after that. Maybe seven minutes total. But it was enough time to go back inside and hang with the husband and the two-year-old, the one who’d been desperately trying to say hi to me and the baby (even though we’d all just been at the same restaurant, at the same table together).

But then it was time for her to go to bed, and my baby was starting to scream again. After far too long, (both adults had made it back to us) my baby was still screaming. The wife offered to take my baby as soon as she went and took off her makeup. When she was back, she had a few clean-up tasks she was doing when I went ahead and asked her if she could take the baby.

She did. I broke down crying.

She was bouncing the baby on one side, and came and leaned against me and put her other arm around me where I was sitting in the sofa. On my other side, the dog shoved her head and nose onto my lap and toward my face. Love on both sides.

The neighbor told me I was doing a good job. I just hugged her leg with one arm and the dog with the other as I sobbed.

All the normal baby stuff is hard. But it also feels mostly doable. The part of inconsolable gas is so incredibly dreadful, it feels impossible. It gives me bad thoughts. It scares me on multiple levels. Fortunately, I have handled myself safely so far and I have learned how to keep myself in check. I shared my thoughts with the old neighbors, and they were very encouraging, sharing with me that my thoughts were very normal and that the postpartum hormones have a huge impact on the intensity of my struggles right now.

They also told me that it truly wasn’t an issue that my baby had just screamed for, possibly, over an hour in their house. ‘We have two kids – a toddler and a baby,’ was a big part of their response, saying that they’re used to screaming, especially the uncontrollable and inconsolable kind.

So, that relieved a good chunk of my stress.

But not the original bulk of exhausted hopelessness I get most days alone with the baby. That’s still with me. That’s still hard.

God, help me to find your grace and ease in caring for my family. Help me to be the person you call me to be. Show me clearly my next step always. Help my husband to do the same in his role in this family. Guide us always and guide us clearly, please. Make us well and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025