Month: April 2025

Today, I’d scheduled my husband to go with me to the dentist, so he could manage the baby while I had my appointment. When it was coming time to get ready to leave, however, I offered for him just to stay home with her and see how it would go. He’d been somewhat successful with a bottle in the times we’d been practicing.

He readily agreed, and chose to run errands with her in tow.

At my appointment, I had a few moments of panic in which I’d thought I’d forgotten the baby in the car. But then my brain and body just embraced the lightness of not having to keep tabs on anyone else for the time being.

It was a freedom of independence I had not experienced in over a year, since before I got pregnant the first time. Actually, not true. I did feel it for those few weeks between the two pregnancies, after my body had recovered. Otherwise, though, it had been over a year.

Driving home, I had to call my mom to express my experience to someone who might get it. It felt amazing. Is this how my husband feels every time he goes somewhere?! I found myself thinking in mild outrage. It’s this easy for him to do things?!

I’d gone back inside to use the bathroom after leaving the office, and then got back in the car and headed out. That task alone would have been a slightly stressful one. I considered an errand on the way home, and the heaviness that has been present lately at the prospect of any stops on my own was completely absent – the idea created a light and free feeling in me. I almost felt wasteful for not making a stop somewhere that normally is difficult nowadays.

But I instead went home and sorted out the gym a bit and did some exercise. It was my first workout in almost a year. 11 months, I guess. May had my last workouts, I do believe… so wild.

Anyway, the workout felt great. It tired me just enough. I’d intended to do one more round of the movements, but they had gotten home and the baby was crying of hunger, and I had truly done enough for today, anyway. I didn’t need to push it quite that much.

I discovered that they had had a delightful time together, with her cooing and smiling for all sorts of photos and videos for my husband while he took her to Costco, Lowe’s, and Home Depot. Yes, we now have multiple photos of her in a Home Depot bucket. My husband even purchased her in a small bucket for only $2.98. Such a bargain compared to what we paid originally! 😛

Anyway, I passed out on the mattress in the living room after I fed her, I was so tired and sleepy. My husband made me dinner, but I didn’t eat it for a couple hours, as I was sleeping so necessarily. Now, I’m finally going to bed quite late, and am still very tired and sleepy. But in a good way tonight. I’m not going to bed worn down this time. I’m going to bed worn out. And that is a very important difference.

Thank you, God. Make us well and keep us safe, please, my husband and my daughter especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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Of course, when I went to go to bed early and my husband wants to go to the gym, the baby won’t sleep. She always sleeps at this time of night. Except tonight, when we aim to be better. Yikes.

Lord, help us to be well and to be loving, please. Keep us safe and together. Thank you for our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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“I won’t know it(!).”

“Great. I’ll be sure to flick you in the nipple when you wake me up…”

“What-ever(!).”

Our conversation just now as my husband slowly fell into bed with his very sunburned back causing him pain. I’d told him to let me spray it before he got into bed, because it otherwise would hurt him lying on it all night. Ache are his response and mine and his. Yes, we are ridiculous. Indeed, we have never claimed otherwise. 😛

Thank you, God, for our fun. Heal us, please, make us well, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and our health and our family. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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I remembered another exercise. I did it tonight, but not the other two… I actually forgot to do the other two until just now. I might get back up to do them, but I’m not thinking so… I’m just so tired and sleepy at this point.

Separately, I started truly looking into signing tonight. I reached out to another acquaintance to see if she has recommended resources. As expected, when I did research on a term, I found about six or seven different motions that people claim to be the term. I’m not even joking. So, I need someone who knows it for real to guide me toward reliable resources (versus folks who might use certain signs but don’t actually know American Sign Language or Signed English).

I know some stuff, so I can tell if certain terms are right. But not the stuff I’m wanting to learn, because, duh, that’s stuff I don’t yet know. Nonetheless, I found one resource that had correct signs for things I know, and started checking out their resources to see what all they have available. They don’t have lids for helping me learn baby-relevant stuff – just a few videos – but they have loads for learning to function in ASL(!!). That got very exciting very quickly. So, maybe the baby and I will start watching video lessons together on the computer during the day. Or in the TV… it connects to YouTube, after all… hmm…

And, by “the baby and I,” I 100% mean “I”. The baby just will be with me in the room. Maybe down the line she’ll start doing educational stuff on the tv. But she’ll stick to real people for the time being.

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I don’t think we can afford for me to see a pelvic floor physical therapist at this point, so I need to make a considerable effort to do the exercises the midwife had mentioned to me in our appointments. She’s big on oral/aural learning. I’m a big written learner. I can understand in the moment easily with aural learning, but I don’t retain the information well if I don’t write it down. And she tends to go fast. Until I mentioned that I need to write it down in order to remember it all, she just would roll through things quite quickly. It only would be when I asked about something at a later appointment, and she gave the answer again that I realized we had already discussed the point. I just hadn’t written it down, so I hadn’t retained it well enough.

So, I’m going off of orally-given exercises here, only vaguely remembering them off and on. I’ve got two for certain that she told me. Still working on possibly another three or so exercises she’d told to me at some point in the first six weeks postpartum.

I know the best idea for my body is to see the physical therapist, even just once. It just isn’t an option for us financially right now, so it doesn’t work for us. If doing the exercises I have already doesn’t prove helpful enough, then we can look to see how to shift finances – slash, hopefully, we will be in a much better financial situation at that point, if I end up needed the appointment – so that I can have the appointments. Plural because I have to get a referral first… some stuff is beyond stupid, and our medical system and insurance system seem to be two of the many stupid things in this world.

Anyway, let’s pray.

God, heal my pelvic floor and my vagina, please. Help me to grow strong again and well again. Heal our baby’s ailments and Brent her freedom from her gas struggles. Release all allergies from our systems. Make my husband and my baby and me well and whole, please, and keep us safe. Guide us clearly into our next step in Your will for our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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I want a t-shirt that reads, “Stay Prayed Up”, like Mark Wahlberg says all the time. It’s a good reminder and a fun phrase, a fun twist on good things.

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I went to a moms day today at our old neighbors’ house. Though I found that I believed rather fundamentally differently on many matters around health, well-being, and child-rearing from the other moms, it was still nice to have somewhere where I was welcomed and able to do whatever I needed to do for myself and my child. It definitely encouraged me and left me feeling like I’m not doing near so terribly a job as I have felt like I have been doing as a mom and as a wife. However, it made me want to find another group of moms who do align more fundamentally on things, because, as nice as it was to connect and belong, I think it would be all the nicer to have more to discuss, more on which to collaborate, and more on which to commiserate. I don’t have a lot of the struggles these moms are facing, mostly because of our different viewpoints and approaches. It would be both comforting and, likely, helpful to be with a group who have more similar approaches to my own.

Also, it would be much less overwhelming in such a setting. The noise volume was not merely because toddlers were present, but because the toddlers were given noise-making devices, which added to the noise-making devices (television and a very loud sound machine for a baby who was not at all showing signs of tiredness) the moms had. But yeah… more moms with babies, in hopes of finding ones with similar mindsets to my own. That’s the hope and possible goal now.

Thank you, God for today. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the love in my life. Help me to be the person you call me to be. Make my husband and my daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe. Grant Grandma clarity and ease, please. Help us all to be loving always. Thank you for our home. Help my husband to find the work he’s been needing. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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P.S. We watched a movie together tonight, my husband and I (and the baby a bit, too, I guess). It was Days of Thunder, with Tom Cruise. I was all hung up on how the one young guy has to be Cary Elwes. Somehow, I completely missed the part where the adorable doctor lady is Nicole Kidman. I said immediately, once I saw her name in the credits, that she very clearly has had work done, because I didn’t even recognize her. My mom and others have always commented about it, and I never noticed much of a difference in her face… until I saw how her face was in 1990. She was absolutely gorgeous and adorable. She didn’t need to change anything. Much like Jennifer Grey said about her own nose job – she became someone who looked a lot like that girl in Dirty Dancing – Nicole Kidman became someone who looked a lot like that girl in Days of Thunder. Anyway, that’s all on that for now!

I both need (and, therefore, like) to put on nipple butter and despise it. It soothes necessarily, but the necessary application of it onto my nipples using fingers both causes pains and a sensation of arousal. It’s dreadful, the combination of it all.

God, heal my nipples, please, and heal my baby’s latch. Help us to work together beautifully and comfortably with this all. Thank you for this opportunity. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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It’s weird – I always seem to crave Christmas stuff around this time of year. Around Easter, it seems. A friend had a Christmas music book open at her piano the other day, and so played Christmas music to calm down the baby. I felt very happy at the music, not at all like it was the wrong time of year.

I got a Facebook memory the other day, maybe a week or two ago, showing quotes from a favorite Christmas movie, which I had clearly been watching that day, a few years ago.

A day or two ago, I was thinking about a duet for “Santa’s got a brand new bag” that I’d discovered this past Christmas and shared with my cousin. Out of nowhere, it popped into my head. I started wondering if I’d told my mom about the song and considered telling her about it and sending it to her. But I got busy and never did. You know, newborn and all…

And then today, out of nowhere, I kept pulling up bits and quotes in my mind from Die Hard, and I found myself tonight wanting to watch it.

It seems that my brain just goes into a sort of Christmas mode at this time of year. Christmas in July always feels too late, somehow. Springtime Christmas is where my subconscious apparently goes. And I’m totally okay with it. 😛

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Yesterday, we drove on a golf cart to the spot where we would take the photos for the gender reveal. Driving out there, we were going directly against the wind, and the ride felt like the cart was losing its battery power the whole way. The wind was strong. On the way back, however, it felt like we were flying, we were going so fast with the wind pushing at our backs.

What’s more, though, was the experience of that speed with the wind. For a while, we were going the exact speed of the wind. How do I know this? Because I stuck my arm outside the cart.

You see, I had noticed that the wind didn’t seem to be blowing… on us. Trees were moving, the wind sock was almost straight out – we even commented on this fact – and it was clear that the wind was blowing, and quite strongly. But it didn’t seem to be blowing on us. I stuck my arm out to see. Sure enough, it felt like stationary air, no movement. My brother tried it, too, and he agreed it felt the same for him, too. The only way to have that is to be traveling at the same speed as the wind.

(At least, so we all think. Let me know if there’s an alternative that isn’t pure absurdity! But we’re all nerds enough to feel confident in our understanding of the situation.)

Later, when we went and did the actual photos and we’re driving back again, we were going just a bit slower than the wind, and so our arm tests showed just a small amount of air flow that time, as compared to zero air flow the first time.

So, yeah, that was really cool, and all the more so for the fact that it was in a super nerdy way. 😛

Dear God, thank you for keeping us all safe. Please, make my husband and my daughter and me well, and keep us always safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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