I was discussing this evening with the neighbor about how depression kind of snuck in yesterday and was pushing pretty hard on me today. She said that she has also noticed that it has been off and on ever since she had the baby, and that it kind of sneaks up her each time. It has definitely been an emotional rollercoaster these past few months. 14 and a half weeks. I suppose it has even been rather whiplash-y, so much up and down emotionally, often within a single day or night.
But I saw specifically for this round that it might just be tied to my lack of feeling any sense of accomplishment in my daily life. I am accustomed to checking things off, completing tasks and then moving on to others. I receive a huge surge of positive hormones every time a task is completed.
And I seem to have very few surges of them when I don’t check off tasks. I have begun to feel very useless in the world, like I’m not making any difference for anyone. Yes, logically, I know that my job is to keep a baby alive and well, and I know that I am doing just that. But that isn’t exactly an item to check off the list – it kind of an ongoing and ever-present task that will last for the rest of my life, really. And that particular task keeps me so busy and interrupted that I hardly get any other task truly completed at home, anyway.
So, I’m not getting those surges of oxytocin or anything else happy and positive. Instead, I am living pretty fully in this cortisol-led survival-esque state of being most of the time. And it’s hard to feel worth it while spending so much time in that state each day.
So, as my husband and I discussed tonight, I think my best move is to look for ways to check items off my lists. Perhaps I need to adjust the tasks so that they are in parts and so can accomplish single parts here and other single parts there. I also would do well to list out some new activities I’d like to do for myself (and for the baby), and start working them into my schedule. More items to check off that way, too. Let’s get these check marks going and this oxytocin flowing(!), shall we?
Yes, let’s.
Thank you, God. Keep us safe and make us well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 