Fear

I realized tonight in how much fear I am still living. Yes, it was traumatizing to go through the investigation, to have reasonable fears of my child being taken from me for false claims. But, just because it is a closed and dismissed case now, that doesn’t mean the trauma effects have been healed and the fears have departed me. In fact, it feels almost like the fears have permeated my consciousness, surrounding me ever more. My rational fears during the day have begun to border on irrational. My dreams have become saturated with fear regarding my child’s safety and well-being. I have an underlying state of being scared just about all the time. And it is getting exhausting.

I think I didn’t really notice it at first. I knew about some of the stuff. But the rest kind of crept in slowly, sneakily… as it is said demons do. Until tonight, when I was sharing what had happened with a friend, I don’t know that I had actually analyzed my state of well-being. I knew I had this influx of fears. But I hadn’t realized quite how intense or ever-present it had become. I hadn’t realized that I was constantly stressed with fear, with no real reprieve, day or night. And now it makes me sad to hear this, how miserable I have been underneath it all.

No wonder I’ve been itching for something I haven’t been able to satisfy. That I’ve felt lonely and somewhat sad most of the time. I’m at war here. And I haven’t been winning lately.

Let us turn the tides on this, Lord. Guide me clearly to free me of these demons. In your name, Jesus Christ, heal me of this negativity and these attacks. Grant me your peace and ease. Make me and my husband and my daughter well, please, and keep us all three safe and together. Grant us joy together. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Thank you for this opportunity to trust you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025