Feelings

It’s been interesting to see how different people relate to us and to our baby every since I had her. Some people want us to come over, and then spend the whole time holding her and playing with her as much as so will allow them. Others, ask often for us to make a trek to visit them, and then spend not even ten minutes holding or playing with the baby combined. It’s quite weird.

I understand wanting to see the baby. But I would think people have a sense of fairness. You know, if you live far and you just want to say hi briefly, it doesn’t make sense to have us drive a long way for you just to say hi. You come to us. Or, at least, find a way to meet in the middle or something. I don’t know. Maybe those folks have no sense of the effort it requires on our end, and they think we’re just hanging about and looking for something to do all the time, and so a long drive is no big deal for us. They probably have no clue how much it messes with our sleep quality, let alone the hassle it truly is to go drive a ways and then spend time elsewhere like that. Perhaps they aren’t being malicious or mean – they’re just oblivious.

It’s still annoying, though. I get annoyed how my mom always wants me to come meet her partway somewhere, so she can see the baby. But she usually spends most of our time together physically helping me, holding the baby and burping her and changing her diaper and walking her around and all. So, it’s just the effort of getting there and getting home, really, and then I get a bit of a rest and a lot of love while visiting. (I also say no sometimes and don’t go. And she accepts that. But she also comes to us sometimes, too.) So, it’s not so bad. It’s usually quite nice in the end.

Anyway… tonight was a weird one for me. My baby is a little too active for me to be able to hold her while eating. And the dog was not reliable enough for me to set her on the ground safely. So, I just hung out and chatted and held the baby. But no one seemed to notice that I hadn’t gotten a plate of food. It was a friend I don’t know who asked if I’d eaten and offered to hold the baby for me. Like I said, it was just a bit weird. I was okay. But it was weird. And I’m very tired from it.

Also, I had a bit of a struggle on the whole financial status front tonight. No one was being nasty or anything. But everyone was just sharing about all their summer travels. Obviously, we haven’t had any ‘travels’ for the past few years. We had a weekend trip to Galveston once, and canceled anything else we planned for work/money reasons. We never got to use the companion pass we’d worked hard to make happen. (I actually feel really guilty about that one… really guilty…)

And I know we’re doing the right things now. We both did the whole ‘what you’re supposed to do’ kind of job route for a while. And we both ended up rather miserable with it, neither of us wanting to stay in our career. It has just been tough timing for us both to be making almost no money and for it to be for so long. It wasn’t what we’d hoped or planned to have happen, but it’s what’s happened. So, we’re rolling with it. I trust fully that things will go beautifully for us financially. We just have to keep at it right now. I pray a lot for clear guidance, and it seems like we keep getting that. So, one day, we’ll be able to join in the talks of our recent travels. Just not right now. And it’s weird how that simple fact – “Just not right now” – makes it feel a lot like we’re failing at life; like all the rest isn’t true. So, I’m feeling that sense of failure strongly right now. But I also know that we’ll be okay, and that it’s okay for me to be sad right now about that.

Post-a-day 2025