Demons

I think I had a demon or three removed from me yesterday. And I’m not even joking.

It was wild. My body was convulsing in all sorts of ways, my legs fully flexed, and it felt as though various parts of me were being held onto and pulled on, then suddenly released at different times… like someone grabbing on somewhere, being wrenched off, and then grabbing the next possible place, again and again. But then it got weaker and weaker, and then a final release happened and it all was calm, the convulsions stopped, the weird breathing where I kept exhaling without inhaling and the intense crying all just stopped… and I was calm and at ease and very tired.

I rested there in the chair for maybe ten minutes or so, then got up when I felt the urge to do so. I blew my nose and marveled at my reflection in the mirror – I didn’t look the same, though I couldn’t have explained what specifically looked different. I felt different. I felt emptier, somehow. My body felt genuinely like it was pounds lighter, like how it had felt before I was pregnant. Looking at myself, I kind of laughed and said, “Hi.” I was myself again, fully. I could feel that. And I could feel a space, like an absence, like how the bed next to me is warm still when someone next to me gets out. But also kind of like how my belly and bowels feel after a full bowel movement. (Hmm… Gross. Anyway…) A good kind of emptiness, of voiding.

Ever since, I have noticed how light I still feel and how easy my brain runs. I have thoughts and I have worries and concerns, but they’re all just normal again, like they used to be. I don’t go down a spiral under a barrage of increasingly terrifying concerns and fears or ‘what if’ scenarios. I just have the single thought or concern, and then I move on naturally, usually without even trying. I have normal levels of concern now… again. And I haven’t felt panicked at all, despite the fact that I used to experience a sense of panic several times a day. I’ve just been kind of calm. Sure, things have bothered me, pissed me off, even. But I make my complaint and then am pretty much okay about the situation. I have my dislike or upset and then move on with things, do what I need to do. The thoughts end there on the subject.

Life is very different now from a day and a half ago.

It feels like normal again. Like the life I enjoy living. (Versus the one I’ve been struggling to survive lately. And wanting to ‘get through’ to the next phase, it’s been so hard lately.)

So, yeah… I guess I experienced an exorcism yesterday. It feels so bizarre even to write or say that, like I must be a crazy person. But I’m not. I’m actually sane right now, and I can see how much I hadn’t been sane these recent months. Wild.

She just kept telling me not to resist anything. Just let it happen. We were talking about how a priest had healed my uterus at Church, and how I had told him that I believed God Could heal me right now, but that I felt like I wasn’t worthy of it. And she said, “You see? Half belief… half healing.”

And then I broke down crying and it all started.

She isn’t even Christian.

She just said that I don’t have to go looking – ‘God is in you and you can heal right now. So, let’s just do it, let’s handle it right now, okay?’

I could feel the being being ripped out of me, and I could feel it fighting not to go. And I trusted her words and didn’t resist anything and just let it happen.

It was so, so weird.

And how I kept exhaling, almost like a cat hissing, it was so strong and intense. I couldn’t relax my toes or thighs or calves or abdomen the entire time, and my legs eventually started stamping the ground, having me writhe back and forth in the chair like I was being yanked around… always exhaling, rarely inhaling, like a three-to-one ratio that didn’t make sense scientifically. (I even had a thought of how many pounds I must be releasing with all this CO2…)

The weirdest part was how I ended up arched way backward, my mouth wide open… muscles fully flexed, fingers and wrists curled like a raptor… I kept having the thought, ‘I must look possessed right now.’

The irony, of course, is that I must have actually been so. haha

So, it was something else. Literally.(!!!)

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and well and together and keep our home safe and well and together. Thank you for this life and for your healing love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025