Sleep

My husband regularly sits down or lies down before finishing things he needs or plans to do before bed, and then just falls asleep wherever he sits or lies. He regularly doesn’t get the things done, though often does them at some point in the middle of the night, whenever he wakes up randomly and then goes and gets ready for bed and goes to bed at three or four in the morning.

This has always upset me. Mostly, because I want to sleep in bed with my husband, and I want him to sleep in bed with me. Both for our relationship and for the physical aspect of having his touch. Physical touch is very healing for me. When he is absent a lot, a single night of his skin touching mine can chemically shift my entire experience of life from impossible to easy-peasy. Also, this upsets me because, recently, this is the only time that we are together most days. His work schedule has him gone as soon as he wakes up, and then getting home around 1:30 each morning. So, overnight is our only time together.

And then this also upsets me because I have told him how important it is to me that he come to bed with me. When he sits down while tired, nine times out of ten, he falls asleep. Yet, he consistently does it, despite my sharing with him how much it matters to me for his to come to bed. Which makes it now also hurtful that he won’t shift the behavior, make the effort. It lands as though I’m not worth it to him and that my requests don’t matter much to him unless they’re something he already wanted in the first place. I believe he loves me, yes. And this seemingly simple thing consistently makes it feel like I don’t really matter very much to him. Rather, that my happiness and emotional well-being don’t matter to him or strike him as important.

So, yes, that sucks…

I think I just need to say that all for right now.

God, guide me clearly and kindly and lovingly, please, each step of the way. Help me to be my best self, the person you made me to be. Keep my husband safe, please, and make him well and whole. Thank you for today. In your name, I pray. Amen.