Some days are just intense. Today was one of them. I felt all day like I was on the brink of a breakdown. I started reaching out to communicate how I would need to make changes to my daily routine very soon, as I was not okay anymore. And I started asking for help for things that really matter to me that they be accomplished as soon as possible at this point. One of those things will be handled tomorrow by my neighbor. I am quite grateful. I reached out first to someone else about that, but that person was in the middle of dinner at the time, and so we didn’t speak (that’s when I realized the neighbor probably was fully capable of handling the issue with ease, anyway, and so walked over and asked him). However, the first person called me back shortly afterward, and, though I thought I was communicating well and my positive mood about having the thing handled was present, he specifically said that I sounded “very stressed” and was I “okay”?
I told him honestly but lightly that I was very much not okay, as I was incredibly stressed. All of us are well and safe, of course, but our house is a disaster, I can’t handle this schedule, we have no money, and I am miserable and can’t get anything done at home.
Suffice it to say that he immediately looked to see how he and his family could offer support. He asked if I had had dinner yet. I finally admitted that I had not (though I didn’t mention that I’d had no lunch) and he said he would bring me dinner now, he’d see me shortly.
I was a bit embarrassed at not being able even to feed myself, but I also accepted that I clearly needed help and wasn’t okay and that food would help ultimately. Especially considering that my dinner tonight was probably going to be the rest of the travel pouch of salmon (like tuna packets for lunchtime) I’d had for dinner last night.
But I cried really hard while cuddling my baby, and got to laughing as she whipped around to look at me at one point and just grinned like nobody’s business and have a huge chuckle. After the emotional release of a few minutes had its cathartic effect, I went and changed the baby’s diaper and went to the bathroom. Then we sat down at the piano together. She played briefly, then I set her in a bouncer chair so I could play for us to enjoy. We got a good fifteen-ish minutes of playing time in there, and it, too, was cathartic. It was also the longest she had just sat there and watched and listened without fussing at all, even after several songs.
Then the food arrived, I let her play a couple minutes on the piano while he made me a plate – he insisted – and then the friend and so chatted while he held the baby and I ate food. A lot of food, actually.
We didn’t really talk about much happy stuff, but it was nice just to have someone talking with me, offering up his own side of the conversation. Taking care of my grandma, I rarely am not the one having to start or continue a conversation – she does very little conversationally, and even less when without prompting.
After I ate, he packed up all the food into the fridge for me – yes, like five plus meals worth of varied foods – and I washed the baby. He said goodbye, and I went and nursed the baby and put her to sleep.
I then managed to accomplish several more things, including getting the chickens off their roof and back into their actual coop, before getting ready for bed myself. I still have an overwhelming amount more to do at the house here, but I feel a sense of accomplishment, which means a lot right now. I will see how things play out tomorrow to see whether I will be still taking my grandma to her appointment Thursday and visiting with her Friday (very likely the latter, but unsure about the former).
I am hoping my husband gets an awesome job this week, one he loves and that pays well enough for me to do my job – the baby and the house – and for him to do his job – the money – while building hours quickly for his even bigger job that is waiting for him right now already.
Ugh. I have to do the stretches now. I’m so tired. Must do them now, or will pass out too fast to do them.
Goodnight.
God, be with us and guide us clearly and kindly, please. Thank you for the love and the food today. Keep us and our home and our family safe and well and together, please, especially my husband and the baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 