Author: hannah.ananas

Lord, heal my body, please, especially my uterus and pelvic floor. Now, please. Grant me the free choice and your emotional guidance on how to progress with children. Heal me, please. In your name, so pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Tonight, I got hit in the head by a waiter carrying a tray of wings. I almost got hit two more times, if my husband hadn’t warned me in time. And the waiters didn’t even notice.

I was embarrassed and upset by it all, though I couldn’t fully articulate why. I think it had to do with an experience of not being worth noticing. Made all the worse by having to speak up about it. Also, when one of them came close to the guy sitting at the table behind us, she apologized to the guy. For getting close to him. Yet not when that same server (and others) had come way closer to me several times already (these were separate from the ones where they almost nailed me). Not to me for the same thing and worse.

I mentioned the hit and super-close calls to the bartender after a bit, and he was prompt in getting management involved, immediately going to watch how servers were passing behind our chairs, and then showing it directly to a manager. Several minutes later, that same manager was apologizing to me and giving us a $30 gift card to use whenever we wished. After he walked away from us, we distinctly noticed how the servers suddenly weren’t clamoring by with the huge trays anymore, and were holding trays down instead of up every time they passed behind us. And it seemed they were using the second entrance/exit to the kitchen more, too, which didn’t require them to walk past our chairs at all.

So, it sorted out, in a way. But I was also left, like I said, really quite stressed and embarrassed about it all. It took me a long while not to feel like I was about to cry. Even now, I still feel a bit of a need to cry about it, really.

So, yeah… that was a very bizarre dinnertime.

Post-a-day 2025

I’m not even sure what to write about tonight. I’ve been dealing with these demons lately, near-constant attacks on my mental state, mostly focused on my baby’s health and well-being, my husband’s health and well-being, and my relationship with my husband and how I fall short. Scenarios run in my mind during the day and in my dreams at night, all somewhat terrifying. Memories arise consistently to nag at my sense of failure or of not being enough. Some roll on repeat from day to day, others from hour to hour, at times. It has not been easy.

And then my physical body is aching me, my pelvic floor not being where and how it needs to be. That just compounds it all, in a way, adding a physical misery to the mental battle that seems to be waging within me.

God, help me to heal, please, and free me of these demons. In Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I need pelvic floor physical therapy. I am really struggling to figure out how to get it with our current financial means.

God, guide me clearly, please, in healing my pelvic floor. Thank you for my family. Grant me this opportunity to heal, that I may choose freely going forward. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Well, she sleeps the first part of the night in her own room now, so that’s something. I’m usually too wiped, though, to put her back in there after nursing in the middle of the night. And also knowing that I’ll be having to do it again in another few hours. Perhaps, when I get the room sorted the rest of the way, and I’m able to nurse her in the rocking chair that’s in her room, I’ll manage keeping her in there the whole night. But having to come back to our room to nurse in the first place makes it all too much effort when I’m exhausted and ready to get track to sleep asap.

So, yeah…

Post-a-day 2025

I wondered at the word “carabiner” tonight. It isn’t spelled like English would pronounce it, which led me quickly to believe it came from another language’s pronunciation of that or a similar spelling. I looked it up. Sure enough, it comes from German.

The word comes from the German Karabiner, short for Karabinerhaken, meaning “carbine hook,”^[3] as the device was used by carabiniers to attach their carbines to their belts.

Pretty cool, huh? I like both that the word is German and that it comes from a bizarrely awesome historical origin.

Post-a-day 2025

I realized tonight in how much fear I am still living. Yes, it was traumatizing to go through the investigation, to have reasonable fears of my child being taken from me for false claims. But, just because it is a closed and dismissed case now, that doesn’t mean the trauma effects have been healed and the fears have departed me. In fact, it feels almost like the fears have permeated my consciousness, surrounding me ever more. My rational fears during the day have begun to border on irrational. My dreams have become saturated with fear regarding my child’s safety and well-being. I have an underlying state of being scared just about all the time. And it is getting exhausting.

I think I didn’t really notice it at first. I knew about some of the stuff. But the rest kind of crept in slowly, sneakily… as it is said demons do. Until tonight, when I was sharing what had happened with a friend, I don’t know that I had actually analyzed my state of well-being. I knew I had this influx of fears. But I hadn’t realized quite how intense or ever-present it had become. I hadn’t realized that I was constantly stressed with fear, with no real reprieve, day or night. And now it makes me sad to hear this, how miserable I have been underneath it all.

No wonder I’ve been itching for something I haven’t been able to satisfy. That I’ve felt lonely and somewhat sad most of the time. I’m at war here. And I haven’t been winning lately.

Let us turn the tides on this, Lord. Guide me clearly to free me of these demons. In your name, Jesus Christ, heal me of this negativity and these attacks. Grant me your peace and ease. Make me and my husband and my daughter well, please, and keep us all three safe and together. Grant us joy together. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Thank you for this opportunity to trust you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Feeling pretty decent given the circumstances. However, I apparently skinned my left knee doing the push-ups yesterday, and it had been quite the wrench in the middle of just about every movement I’ve made today. Haha.

Anyway, my muscles are very sore, but I made an effort to keep on the go today, moving a decent amount, and I think that has helped a bunch. Tomorrow’s movements will be very important, too. We shall see how well I do.

Anyway, maid comes tomorrow at nine AM. I’m not even normally up by then, let alone now, when I’ve been fighting this cold for almost two weeks, desperately needing sleep. But I realized it tonight around nine PM. Since I’ve been sick, there’s a lot of tidying that has been left undone the past two weeks-ish. So, there was a crap-ton I had to do tonight before I could go to bed. Plus, I had had to wash the bedsheets tonight, and that took its own forever (and still isn’t done, actually). So, I’m exhausted and still sick and needing to sleep, but must wake early in the morning to tidy some more and be alive and out of bed when the maid comes. Though, why not have her start on another part of the house and le time sleep in this time? My husband wouldn’t like that, to be sure. Anyway, I’ve accepted an IKEA pick-up between nine and ten at the store (because they didn’t let me have the free shipping it said that I get, once I got to the payment section, so I have to go pick it up instead [To be clear, it’s not that I need the shipping. It’s that I have a newborn and I am sick and the shipping would make a huge positive impact on us right now.]).

Anyway, I’m gonna see about passing out now on this half-made bed for a while until the rest of the sheets finish drying.

Post-a-day 2025

We did Murph today, my husband and I. He wasn’t planning to do it. I encouraged him to start when I was about halfway through, then we maybe could finish together. And he ended up doing just that.

This was only my second workout since last May, so I was not expecting an easy or short time of it. And, naturally, that was what I got: a long, hard time of it. What has taken me between 45 and 56 minutes in the past took me, with great modification on the push-ups and an intense struggle I’ve never before had for the air squats, and hour and 37 minutes today. That’s over 70% more time. I didn’t even wear a weight vest for the runs this year. I did push a stroller, which was a hassle and which took genuine physical effort that I really could feel on the second mile. But that isn’t the same as wearing a weight vest. It was hard mentally to accept that I was doing a much easier version of the workout compared to usual, and yet it was harder than ever… and that that all was perfectly okay and good and right. I shouldn’t be doing the usual right now. I haven’t been able to train like usual. I am also still in recovery from a major physical event (Childbirth is absolutely no joke when it comes to recovery, by the way. Nobody seems to talk about the recovery, but it is a lot.).

All-in-all, however, I am incredibly proud of myself. I wasn’t even sure beforehand if I would be able to do the whole thing, even modified. I wasn’t sure I even could do the running parts. The last time I ran was Thanksgiving Day, and that was the only time in the past year. And it was the slowest 5k I’ve ever run, and by a lot.

So, today was impressive for me and to me. We shall see how recovery goes over the next few days. I already took a bit of perfect aminos to help. I forgot the epsom salt when I showered. I guess I need to make sure I’m very active the next two to three days. I’m already starting to hurt. Yikes.

Anyway, major accomplishment for me today. My baby went on both runs with me and both runs with my husband, and she stayed in the stroller the entire time, which was roughly just over two hours all together. She napped off and on, stared at things, watched us, fussed a bit, and was mostly quite chill. It was her first time in the jogging stroller, and she did a great job with it. (My husband had to pick up a spare tube for me today, so I could even use the stroller in the first place.) I think she likes being able to be upright and seeing everything around her.

Actually, that just occurred to me that she had never ridden like that in anything. She’s only just being able to hold herself upright when seated. And she isn’t quite there yet. She’s only starting to do it -ish. So, that’s actually really cool for her, too! Proud of my baby. She’s 17 weeks as of an hour and a half ago! Yippee!

Anyway, thank you to all who help to keep our country blessed and free. God, protect their souls, please. Please, keep this country safe. Make us well and keep us safe and together, please. Guide us clearly and kindly forward in your will, please. Help my husband and me to be always loving to and with one another. Help us to remember to honor one another always. Thank you for our home and for exercise. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Happy Memorial Day!! We remember!!

Post-a-day 2025

Sometimes, it all starts to feel kind of unworkable and totally overwhelming. And then I get a headache on top of it all.

God, heal me, please. Heal us. Keep us safe and together and joyful and with you, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025