No joke here: I’m really talking about sex the resulting baby in this one. Prepare yourself, or choose to skip it! You have been warned! 🙂
…………….
I already had the mental and psychological struggle last year when we got married of coming to terms with the concept that sexual intercourse was suddenly fully allowed and encouraged and safe and good, even. (As in a good thing, not that it feels good.) The whole concept of Catholic women often feeling that they either are virgins or harlots was one that definitely hit home once I was married. It took lots of intentional effort and conversation on both my part and on my husband’s part for me to grow easy with sex and its being a positive thing, not a wrong thing… indeed, for me to accept that it didn’t make me a slut to participate in it, to want it, to ask for it, to initiate it…
But I believe that I truly got there. I had a healthy psychological relationship with sex in our marriage – we won’t talk now about how others relate to sex, because that it a whole different concept and conversation. It had become a fun and loving aspect of our relationship.
Now, however, 13 and a half weeks postpartum, it has been several months of no sex due to my physical state. By the end of pregnancy, my body, even when it wanted sex, couldn’t handle the physical nature of sex. Things just hurt at a certain point, and we both were disappointed that we had to hold off for the foreseeable future. So, no more sex then. Then, a baby tore apart my vagina by being in compound presentation and having her head tilted slightly upward. (The circumference of a baby’s exit, mathematically, can’t get almost any bigger than that, in case you weren’t sure.) So, that, combined with the double uterine sweep for the piece of placenta that decided to stick and break off at the very top of my uterus, put me on necessary bedrest for two weeks, then house rest for the next two, and left me taking my first actual walk at six weeks postpartum. And, even then, it was still quite difficult to do said walking. But I could and did do it then.
Fast-forward through more slow healing, and we are now at almost 14 weeks postpartum. My husband and I have discussed the idea of sex, but things feel very different in my head now. For one thing, there is a part of me that is genuinely scared of birth right now. I no longer remember physically labor, but I remember it conceptually. And it was really, really terrible pain. By the way, pain-free birth is nonsense. Yes, staying present and not resisting makes all the difference. But the whole thing still sucks a**, and I cannot recommend it. Zero out of ten stars – do not recommend. Baby at the end? Best thing ever. Process to get there? Possibly the worst.
Anyway, so, I discovered that that fear was there for me. Okay. I started working on that slowly. But then I discovered something else. As I have begun having sexual desires again – yes, they were pretty much entirely gone for a long while – I have noticed that I feel wrong for having them. In fact, I feel bad.
Thus I discovered that the whole virgin-harlot complex has returned to me. Ugh. Hopefully, because I reached a good place before, I will be able to reach it faster this time. It just feels absurd. As if I didn’t already have enough barriers to a sexual relationship with my husband, I now have this added gem of psychological shaming. (That statement includes irony, to be clear.)
Anyway, so, that’s where things stand there. My husband joked that we could have sex on the same day as we made our current baby, and see if another shows up. Then we could jokingly tell people that we only have sex one day a year. I found the idea hilarious. But I also felt trepidation and shame.
I probably will check in with a few folks on their experiences with this, see if they have anything that supported them in their transitions like this. It isn’t something people discuss openly. I strongly considered not sharing it here. But I think openness on big deal things is important, especially if they are traditionally kept quiet, though speaking about them could be immensely helpful for most. I am very grateful that my cousin reached out to talk to me about this complex thing shortly before my marriage. I hadn’t really ever heard of the idea before then, but I’ve experienced it firsthand, to be sure. Her support was quite helpful back then, even in just telling me that I wouldn’t be alone if I experienced it. Perhaps she will have guidance on its return. Perhaps not, too… most people don’t seem to go so long without sex in a happy marriage this early on…
Anyway… that’s what I had to say about all of that. Hopefully, this can be helpful in some way to others, my having shared it.
God, thank you for your love and for this life and my family and home. Keep us safe, make us well, and keep us together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 