Author: hannah.ananas

I remembered another exercise. I did it tonight, but not the other two… I actually forgot to do the other two until just now. I might get back up to do them, but I’m not thinking so… I’m just so tired and sleepy at this point.

Separately, I started truly looking into signing tonight. I reached out to another acquaintance to see if she has recommended resources. As expected, when I did research on a term, I found about six or seven different motions that people claim to be the term. I’m not even joking. So, I need someone who knows it for real to guide me toward reliable resources (versus folks who might use certain signs but don’t actually know American Sign Language or Signed English).

I know some stuff, so I can tell if certain terms are right. But not the stuff I’m wanting to learn, because, duh, that’s stuff I don’t yet know. Nonetheless, I found one resource that had correct signs for things I know, and started checking out their resources to see what all they have available. They don’t have lids for helping me learn baby-relevant stuff – just a few videos – but they have loads for learning to function in ASL(!!). That got very exciting very quickly. So, maybe the baby and I will start watching video lessons together on the computer during the day. Or in the TV… it connects to YouTube, after all… hmm…

And, by “the baby and I,” I 100% mean “I”. The baby just will be with me in the room. Maybe down the line she’ll start doing educational stuff on the tv. But she’ll stick to real people for the time being.

Post-a-day 2025

I don’t think we can afford for me to see a pelvic floor physical therapist at this point, so I need to make a considerable effort to do the exercises the midwife had mentioned to me in our appointments. She’s big on oral/aural learning. I’m a big written learner. I can understand in the moment easily with aural learning, but I don’t retain the information well if I don’t write it down. And she tends to go fast. Until I mentioned that I need to write it down in order to remember it all, she just would roll through things quite quickly. It only would be when I asked about something at a later appointment, and she gave the answer again that I realized we had already discussed the point. I just hadn’t written it down, so I hadn’t retained it well enough.

So, I’m going off of orally-given exercises here, only vaguely remembering them off and on. I’ve got two for certain that she told me. Still working on possibly another three or so exercises she’d told to me at some point in the first six weeks postpartum.

I know the best idea for my body is to see the physical therapist, even just once. It just isn’t an option for us financially right now, so it doesn’t work for us. If doing the exercises I have already doesn’t prove helpful enough, then we can look to see how to shift finances – slash, hopefully, we will be in a much better financial situation at that point, if I end up needed the appointment – so that I can have the appointments. Plural because I have to get a referral first… some stuff is beyond stupid, and our medical system and insurance system seem to be two of the many stupid things in this world.

Anyway, let’s pray.

God, heal my pelvic floor and my vagina, please. Help me to grow strong again and well again. Heal our baby’s ailments and Brent her freedom from her gas struggles. Release all allergies from our systems. Make my husband and my baby and me well and whole, please, and keep us safe. Guide us clearly into our next step in Your will for our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I want a t-shirt that reads, “Stay Prayed Up”, like Mark Wahlberg says all the time. It’s a good reminder and a fun phrase, a fun twist on good things.

Post-a-day 2025

I went to a moms day today at our old neighbors’ house. Though I found that I believed rather fundamentally differently on many matters around health, well-being, and child-rearing from the other moms, it was still nice to have somewhere where I was welcomed and able to do whatever I needed to do for myself and my child. It definitely encouraged me and left me feeling like I’m not doing near so terribly a job as I have felt like I have been doing as a mom and as a wife. However, it made me want to find another group of moms who do align more fundamentally on things, because, as nice as it was to connect and belong, I think it would be all the nicer to have more to discuss, more on which to collaborate, and more on which to commiserate. I don’t have a lot of the struggles these moms are facing, mostly because of our different viewpoints and approaches. It would be both comforting and, likely, helpful to be with a group who have more similar approaches to my own.

Also, it would be much less overwhelming in such a setting. The noise volume was not merely because toddlers were present, but because the toddlers were given noise-making devices, which added to the noise-making devices (television and a very loud sound machine for a baby who was not at all showing signs of tiredness) the moms had. But yeah… more moms with babies, in hopes of finding ones with similar mindsets to my own. That’s the hope and possible goal now.

Thank you, God for today. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the love in my life. Help me to be the person you call me to be. Make my husband and my daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe. Grant Grandma clarity and ease, please. Help us all to be loving always. Thank you for our home. Help my husband to find the work he’s been needing. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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P.S. We watched a movie together tonight, my husband and I (and the baby a bit, too, I guess). It was Days of Thunder, with Tom Cruise. I was all hung up on how the one young guy has to be Cary Elwes. Somehow, I completely missed the part where the adorable doctor lady is Nicole Kidman. I said immediately, once I saw her name in the credits, that she very clearly has had work done, because I didn’t even recognize her. My mom and others have always commented about it, and I never noticed much of a difference in her face… until I saw how her face was in 1990. She was absolutely gorgeous and adorable. She didn’t need to change anything. Much like Jennifer Grey said about her own nose job – she became someone who looked a lot like that girl in Dirty Dancing – Nicole Kidman became someone who looked a lot like that girl in Days of Thunder. Anyway, that’s all on that for now!

I both need (and, therefore, like) to put on nipple butter and despise it. It soothes necessarily, but the necessary application of it onto my nipples using fingers both causes pains and a sensation of arousal. It’s dreadful, the combination of it all.

God, heal my nipples, please, and heal my baby’s latch. Help us to work together beautifully and comfortably with this all. Thank you for this opportunity. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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It’s weird – I always seem to crave Christmas stuff around this time of year. Around Easter, it seems. A friend had a Christmas music book open at her piano the other day, and so played Christmas music to calm down the baby. I felt very happy at the music, not at all like it was the wrong time of year.

I got a Facebook memory the other day, maybe a week or two ago, showing quotes from a favorite Christmas movie, which I had clearly been watching that day, a few years ago.

A day or two ago, I was thinking about a duet for “Santa’s got a brand new bag” that I’d discovered this past Christmas and shared with my cousin. Out of nowhere, it popped into my head. I started wondering if I’d told my mom about the song and considered telling her about it and sending it to her. But I got busy and never did. You know, newborn and all…

And then today, out of nowhere, I kept pulling up bits and quotes in my mind from Die Hard, and I found myself tonight wanting to watch it.

It seems that my brain just goes into a sort of Christmas mode at this time of year. Christmas in July always feels too late, somehow. Springtime Christmas is where my subconscious apparently goes. And I’m totally okay with it. 😛

Post-a-day 2025

Yesterday, we drove on a golf cart to the spot where we would take the photos for the gender reveal. Driving out there, we were going directly against the wind, and the ride felt like the cart was losing its battery power the whole way. The wind was strong. On the way back, however, it felt like we were flying, we were going so fast with the wind pushing at our backs.

What’s more, though, was the experience of that speed with the wind. For a while, we were going the exact speed of the wind. How do I know this? Because I stuck my arm outside the cart.

You see, I had noticed that the wind didn’t seem to be blowing… on us. Trees were moving, the wind sock was almost straight out – we even commented on this fact – and it was clear that the wind was blowing, and quite strongly. But it didn’t seem to be blowing on us. I stuck my arm out to see. Sure enough, it felt like stationary air, no movement. My brother tried it, too, and he agreed it felt the same for him, too. The only way to have that is to be traveling at the same speed as the wind.

(At least, so we all think. Let me know if there’s an alternative that isn’t pure absurdity! But we’re all nerds enough to feel confident in our understanding of the situation.)

Later, when we went and did the actual photos and we’re driving back again, we were going just a bit slower than the wind, and so our arm tests showed just a small amount of air flow that time, as compared to zero air flow the first time.

So, yeah, that was really cool, and all the more so for the fact that it was in a super nerdy way. 😛

Dear God, thank you for keeping us all safe. Please, make my husband and my daughter and me well, and keep us always safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Listening to the Sunday Gospel and homily in German on Hallow just now, I discovered that, as the older son in the story of the prodigal son complains that he and his friends never got to have even a goat, the word used was “Ziegenbock”. Like the beer.

I mentioned this to my husband, and he commented that the beer has a ram on it. Sure enough, eine Ziege is a goat and ein Bock is a ram. So, a Ziegenbock is a male goat, a billygoat.

How fun to discover! I love when worlds cross. Haha And now we know why it’s called Ziegenbock… not because of the brewing type, but because of the animal’s name.

Upon further quick researching, I also found that the name Bock in the first place was an accented pronunciation of the name of a town, which was where the beer type was brewed. Einbeck, the town name, was referenced as ein Bock, a ram. And the beer they brewed in Einbeck was forever called ein Bock, a Bock. I didn’t dive deeply, so could be only partly true or not at all true. But makes a lot of sense, if it is true!

Pretty silly and cool to know now!

Also, we did a gender reveal photo shoot today. And I messed up big time. I was able to fix it to a reasonable photo in the end, pulling from the video I had my mom hold for me next to me. But my awesome photo angle ended up completely missing the flour bomb of color. I was and am somewhat crushed, and I think I need to cry about it briefly. However, I really hope we get to do it again, now that we all have learned better how to do it. Perhaps we’ll just re-do it one day this week to get it fully right. Not too likely to pan out, but it could happen! I’m hoping it does, because it is super cool as an idea, and it’s way cool that we get to do it. I’d be super down for doing it regularly for folks. Truly.

Dear Lord, thank you for keeping everyone safe today and for the good and comfortable weather. Please, heal our daughter’s digestion. Make my husband and our daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe and together. Help us to create wonderful things together as a family. Thank you for our family and for our home. Guide us clearly in our next step always. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

At two months postpartum, I have dropped 69% of the weight I had gained in the pregnancy. I’m not allowed to know actual weights, for my own sanity and well-being, but I was curious to know what my relative weight change was at this point. I missed the eight weeks mark, but managed to get my weight at the two months one two days later instead. Nonetheless, without being able to exercise at all or be in a calorie deficit with my food, I am down 69%. And it feels good. I noticed just a couple days ago, possibly right at two months, actually, that I am feeling physically almost normal again. In a weight sense, I mean. So, hearing the 69% was validating for how I was feeling. I definitely still don’t feel strong like I used to feel, and definitely not toned either. But I’m feeling more me-sized, and that feels good in and of itself.

Hopefully, the garage gym will be accessible in the coming days, and I can start exercising for real, so I can build up some muscle again (and release some major stress build-ups at the same time!).

Thank you, God, for your guidance. Please, heal me fully now. Heal my daughter’s digestion. Keep her and my husband and me safe, please, and make us well. Thank you for our home. Thank you for our family. Show us always clearly our next step in fulfilling your will, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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I chose to go visit with our old neighbors tonight at their house; I didn’t want to be alone for however long it would take for my husband to get home. I arrived before they did, and so went inside. I was barely saying hi to the dog when I suddenly had to rush to the bathroom to poop.

So, I was in the bathroom with the baby and the stroller squeezed in there with me. As soon as I pooped, which was incredibly quick, the baby started crying big time. So, I grabbed her and went ahead and started nursing her.

That went okay… the friends got home and their two-year-old started asking, “Miss Hannah? Miss Hannah? […] Are you in there?” I told her that I was, and let the neighbors know that we’d be a bit. I managed to nurse her a decent bit, but she started crying all the harder, clearly struggling with gas.

So, I set her back in the stroller and handled cleaning myself up (i.e. wiping my butt and washing my hands) while she started to scream.

As soon as I finished, I picked her up and took her out into the house. When she didn’t settle, I went out back with her, both to give her a change of setting and to stop exposing the old neighbors to her incessant gas screaming.

She was able to chill for a bit after that. Maybe seven minutes total. But it was enough time to go back inside and hang with the husband and the two-year-old, the one who’d been desperately trying to say hi to me and the baby (even though we’d all just been at the same restaurant, at the same table together).

But then it was time for her to go to bed, and my baby was starting to scream again. After far too long, (both adults had made it back to us) my baby was still screaming. The wife offered to take my baby as soon as she went and took off her makeup. When she was back, she had a few clean-up tasks she was doing when I went ahead and asked her if she could take the baby.

She did. I broke down crying.

She was bouncing the baby on one side, and came and leaned against me and put her other arm around me where I was sitting in the sofa. On my other side, the dog shoved her head and nose onto my lap and toward my face. Love on both sides.

The neighbor told me I was doing a good job. I just hugged her leg with one arm and the dog with the other as I sobbed.

All the normal baby stuff is hard. But it also feels mostly doable. The part of inconsolable gas is so incredibly dreadful, it feels impossible. It gives me bad thoughts. It scares me on multiple levels. Fortunately, I have handled myself safely so far and I have learned how to keep myself in check. I shared my thoughts with the old neighbors, and they were very encouraging, sharing with me that my thoughts were very normal and that the postpartum hormones have a huge impact on the intensity of my struggles right now.

They also told me that it truly wasn’t an issue that my baby had just screamed for, possibly, over an hour in their house. ‘We have two kids – a toddler and a baby,’ was a big part of their response, saying that they’re used to screaming, especially the uncontrollable and inconsolable kind.

So, that relieved a good chunk of my stress.

But not the original bulk of exhausted hopelessness I get most days alone with the baby. That’s still with me. That’s still hard.

God, help me to find your grace and ease in caring for my family. Help me to be the person you call me to be. Show me clearly my next step always. Help my husband to do the same in his role in this family. Guide us always and guide us clearly, please. Make us well and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025