Author: hannah.ananas

This is a process. It isn’t always consistent. I can’t always accomplish the same amount each day. My husband and I have both been struggling with this concept immensely. I’ve had some days where I’ve definitely pushed myself further than truly works for my body. It often feels like God is forcing me to chill out and step back sometimes, like when I started doing a whole lot of work at home each day, and then got sudden debilitating sciatic pain… Just because I had more energy didn’t mean I was supposed to spend it all on housework, and then some.

So, anyway… this is hard and sometimes sucks. My energy levels and physical abilities are abominable compared to usual. But the miracle of life doesn’t come out of nowhere. A lot has to happen first, and it is happening within me each day and night right now.

I shared some struggles of yesterday with the midwife, and she replied with the best message. I share it here:

Sending all the love to you. You’re doing wonderfully! And we may need to have quite a serious chat with [your husband] either you or me. Because postpartum is going to slow things down even more significantly and he needs to be prepared. Also, you are a human being not a human doing. You have inherent worth as a person regardless of what you “accomplish” each day. And you’re growing a whole extra human right now.

Simple yet to the point. And she is quite right about all of it. Especially when I read the ‘human being not human doing’ part, it hit hard and I cried. It rang so very true for me and was exactly what I needed to hear right now.

Coincidentally, I ended up spending over three hours on the phone with my cousin today, initially talking about those specific struggles, but also addressing all sorts of pregnancy-related things. It was really awesome just getting to chat and hang out. And I was lying in bed for the first part, then I moved to a chair in the living room for a bit before eating some food and sitting on the sofa and then going outside into the sunlight for a bit. I truly took it easy physically, doing only what it felt like truly worked for my body.

Afterward, I went and met my husband at Home Depot to look at the bathroom vanities again in person, now that I’ve researched them online and know much better our options. I found one that I like well enough and figure we should go ahead and get, so we can move onward from tbs current bathroom setup struggle. My husband does love it, but he seems to be okay with it. (I’ll check in with him again about it before ordering.)

Then, I went to watch dance class, and ended up sitting in the car with my friend for most of class, because she was feeling dizzy from some medicine stuff. Then I went home and said hi to the chickens before lying back down on the sofa for several hours.

For house tidying and arranging, I accomplished almost nothing today. Only pulled out some boxes I need to replace, prepping them for the next step. And yet, I feel quite accomplished for today. So, that’s really cool. Perhaps allowing myself to be limited was all I truly needed to do to help myself today.

God, help me to sleep well each night. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It has felt like prayer has not taken as prominent a role lately as we kind of need it to be holding in our lives right now. So, I’m here to remedy this.

And so, we pray… both intentionally and passively, both solo and together. Let us pray…

Dear God, thank you for this life. Thank you for being ready for us and for always listening to us – thank you for prayer. Help us to listen to and to hear you always. Guide us on your ways and in your love. Help us to be the people you call us to be, our best selves each day. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. Help me to see clearly my next steps each day and each hour, clearly. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today has been a lot. Not in a bad way. Just a lot. It started quite comfortably, with my prenatal appointment being moved to tomorrow morning instead of this morning, due to a birth. So, after I had used the bathroom at 6:30am, I got to turn off my alarms and go back to sleep for another two+ hours. That was awesome.

After I got up, though, lots began. I met two separate sets of folks today who align well with my beliefs and such, both through Facebook Marketplace, and that was really cool to see. I have been noticing more and more how, as I lean into trusting God and just rolling with how I truly feel on matters, people keep just showing up who align with those matters. It’s really cool.

But that also means I had two separate hour-long conversations while standing today, and with people I hadn’t previously known. That’s a lot, both physically and emotionally.

I also managed food for myself, which took a lot of effort. I worked on the hardware for the crib, which was quite rusted. I made it loads and loads better than it was, but it is still rusty. So, need to figure out next steps on that pretty quickly, so we can get this thing put together, and safely so.

I stopped unexpectedly at a coffee shop my husband loves, which aligned perfectly with today’s being Veterans Day, as it supports veterans significantly. Brought us both home a nice treat from there. Rested but didn’t nap. I updated the to-do list for my husband. Got myself set up for tasks for tomorrow, when he will be gone at work for the day.

I also managed some other accomplishments that I’m not presently remembering… Oh! I washed the shower curtain and liner today, then removed the rust-free hooks that very much rusted, cleaned the bar, and put up the new plastic hooks that I hope work well – fortunately, I can believe that these actually won’t rust! – and the cleaned curtain and liner. I also traded out the bath mat for a fresh and clean one.

My husband checked off several items on his list, which actually relieved a lot of stress for me. I hope he felt good about it all, too. We discussed that I not only had made the list for him but that it was, indeed, in order by priority. The latter he had not known until yesterday. So, today, rather than his continuing to work on building the fence and doing other random things that were on his mind (the way the past several weeks have gone), and then not being able to check off a single item at the end of the day, he truly looked at the list. And he checked off a whole load of tasks. And that means they were completed. And I don’t have to worry about them anymore. And it is lovely.

Separately, it has been incredibly weird not being able to see my groin area. Just saying. I don’t know how people can ah doke that for their normal daily lives. I imagine they are struggling emotionally/mentally/psychologically already, thus their fat bellies. However, it has been encouragement enough for me to want not to be in this situation for long. It feels, somehow, wrong not to be able to see the front of my body with my own eyes.

Anyway, my brain is so done – goodnight!

God, make us well and keep us safe, please, especially me and the baby and my husband. Thank you for the love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

My husband is missing. Not terribly, but he is slightly MIA, to be sure. He said he was going walking in the neighborhood in order to win the step challenge for the week against my brothers. When I finished what I was doing, I changed my shoes and used the bathroom, intending to go join him for a few minutes. It had been over an hour, so he should have been finished or getting close. I would be joining him for the tail end of it all, no big deal. As I checked the map right before walking outside, it shows me that he is miles away… at a public walking/running park trail. But his phone isn’t moving. It’s either dropped on the ground or in a parked car. I know not the answer, of course, because my husband wasn’t supposed to be driving anywhere, and was supposed to be in our general neighborhood walking. And he told me nothing of this plan change. It is late at night. We have discussed many times that he needs to keep me informed when he is out late at night. He has told me nothing. So, of course, my brain is worried about him and I have been debating whether or not to get in the car and head to the park.

Most likely, everything is fine and he is safe and he just left his phone in the car for some random reason. Perhaps he wanted to run to get steps instead of walk, and so didn’t want the phone jangling around in his pocket.

But he didn’t tell me any of this, let alone that he was leaving the neighborhood at all. So, there’s a chance everything it not okay at all. Because he should have already reached his goal by now, and, even with having gone to the park to walk, he should be back at his car getting ready to head home at this point… and he isn’t…

So, yeah… dealing with that right now…

Post-a-day 2024

I can still see the swollen, protruding part on my lower back. But, as the chiropractor anticipated, the pain has decreased since seeing her a few days ago. I went to a church park day this morning to midday with friends. Then I had a ten-ish-minute test on the sofa at home before changing clothes and going to a baby shower. I helped manage the baby shower, then ended up hanging out afterward with them and going to dinner with the host and the guest and their husbands (and the babies of the one and her mother-in-law), and my husband came and met us. Actually, my husband went and met their husbands at Costco to pick up beer for the men’s gathering tomorrow (because the one husband had not done what he had promised, and so had no beers prepped for a large party of men showing up at their house tomorrow at 11am to have barbecue and beers in celebration of their upcoming baby. Then, the three of them met us all at the taco place for what felt like a late dinner, but that was actually only a 7:00 one.

We three ladies looked like it was 10pm or later by the time we were leaving the restaurant, even though it was barely 8:00 at that point. We were all totally wiped. Haha.

Anyway, I’m hoping to sleep well tonight and to accomplish valuable things tomorrow in our home. There is still much to be done. I know we can get it all done, but it will work we only if I am able to do my part, which is a big part. So, much for me to do in the next several days especially.

Anyway, goodnight.

Oh, and my belly feels intensely tight right now. The baby grew a lot this week, and there isn’t this cushy layer all around it right now. Almost anywhere I touch on my belly feels pretty solid. So, I’m guessing that means my belly will be adjusting its size over the next several days, in order to accommodate the current size of the baby, let alone its further growth the next several days… yeah.

God, make me and the baby and my husband well and fit and safe, please. Help us to do awesome pregnancy photos together, ones that we all love. And help us to handle our home and make it a place we love to be and that flows with ease for us for the rest of our lives, wherever we call home. Thank you for this journey. Also, please, if it be your will, make this one a girl and the next one we have a boy. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I can actually see how a spot in my lower back is sticking outward in one side, bulging, so to speak. So, that puts a visual representation to the nerve pain I’ve been having this week.

Yippee…

God, heal my back and spine, please, and grant me ease in my nerves. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Got to see the chiropractor this morning, possibly before she technically was open, but someone was there before me and another couple after me, so, perhaps, I was just her second appointment of the they already day. And perhaps we all had been squeezed in. Nonetheless, I got to see her. I had tears streaming down my face by the time I got up to her office, so I wasn’t feeling so hot.

However, she helped sort out the super intensity of the pain. Yes, it is the sciatic nerve, she said, and was also an unhappy disc. She caused pain in other spots that, as usual, somehow relieved pain in the spots that were hurting so terribly. It helped. She said it should continue to improve over the next few days. But she made it clear that this is a definite possibility with pregnancy and is not out of the bounds of the expected. The ligaments are softening at this point, starting the process of fully rotating the hips outward, preparing for giving birth. (It finally makes sense to me how a baby fits! It doesn’t fit, truly. The hips actually rotate outward and downward during pregnancy, creating a much larger opening than in normal life. That‘s how the baby fits through there. Without all that shifting, it wouldn’t fit.) In their softening, they are no longer protecting as they once were, and the sciatic nerve is one that can be, essentially, crushed by all the moving parts. So, my absurdly intense shooting pain is not all in my head, and no, I can’t just power through it. It is real and it is intense pain.

She said, “It hurts like a mother-f*****,” and she meant it. She clearly felt bad for me and is doing what she can to help me through it all. She had me get a belt for the lower back and told me I could wear it in conjunction with a pregnancy belly band to help relieve pressure and strain on my lower back. She also gave me a cane to use. And she recommended these arnica oral supplements. (I had only ever heard of arnica gel.)

Of course, all of these proved helpful. No, the pain isn’t gone, but it has lessened immensely. Except for when I had a sudden sneeze while standing, and everything kind of went to sh**, nearly paralyzing me with pain, and requiring my mom to help me, while I also used the cane, just to fall into a rolling chair. I had to sit in that chair for the next hour or two. But I had just started taking the arnica things, and they finally started helping enough that I was able to get up and sit on the sofa instead. That all sucked big time. But the pills helped immensely in the end. I was able to walk to the bathroom and back with almost no cane help after a couple more hours. Getting ready for bed just now still sucked, but was nothing at all like the last two nights.

Anyway, I am hoping to sleep well tonight and to be functional at an even higher level tomorrow. There is still much to be done before the shower in two weeks, let alone before the baby comes out of me. I finally have had energy, and this nerve stuff pops up. Is God truly asking me to chill out with tidying and organizing our house? Because it certainly seems that way, forcing me to be on the couch for the majority of each day…

God, guide me clearly and gently, please. Free me of this pain. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us three safe. Help us to sleep well and together each night. Thank you for this gift. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

A message to my husband just now, while he is at the gym:

Hey, for the foreseeable future, I need you to be home at night. Getting ready for bed just now was an utter disaster. My mom called at one point, and she wanted me to get you to take me to an urgent care or something because of how bad it all was. She helped me through it enough to function and get myself to bed, but it was terrible and she was really worried.
And I’m still very much not okay, but I’ve made it to the bed and am working on getting the heating pad on me to see if it can help.

…..

So, yeah. It seems like I have been having sciatic pain, and it has intensely increased this past week, upgrading from the occasional few hours of soreness and light sharp pains to intense, searing pains that paralyze me or drop me to the floor, screaming and crying. And no, I’m really not exaggerating. That’s how bad it has gotten. It took about 20 minutes of yelling and tears just to get on some short boots yesterday evening. I then had to yell and cry some more just to get them off. (I put on shoes that required no pushing from either leg/buttock instead and had only minor weeps doing that.) When I was getting ready for bed later, I was alone again, and things had progressed to full-on wails just in attempting to walk back and forth from the bathroom to the bed. It was horrible. A heating pad on my bum helped me fall asleep, but I maintained a dull pain the whole night and also got way too warm because of the heating pad’s being on me. Hopefully, we can have something similar tonight with the easing of the pains. Just have to roll off the bed enough to reach the heating pad first, which is why I haven’t yet gotten it onto me…

God, free me of this pain, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. Grant us ease from our fears by helping us to trust fully in you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I am discovering that, the more I am brave and trusting where I feel called to be and how I feel called to be, the more I find people who make me feel at home, at ease, and more of my best self.

It’s pretty cool.

I guess it always is when we truly trust in and hand things over to God.

Thank you, God. Be with us and help us all to be our best selves, please. Heal me of this pain, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us especially safe. Help us all to be better than we have been. Help us to trust in and then to you wholly and freely. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Currently trying to get myself to bed and asleep, but lying down keeps making me feel like I might hurl…

Yikes…

God, help me to heal each of my ailments. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024