Author: hannah.ananas

I ended up feeling pretty darn crappy again today. I didn’t accomplish much at home, but did manage some little bits. I mostly just sat in a chair on the driveway, hanging out while my husband worked on replacing some necessary parts of our driveway gate. It’s kind of an awesome gate. As I understand it, he bought a package of metal and bought fence pickets and 2x4s, and assembled and … I’m forgetting what it’s called when one works with fire and metal and fuses the pieces of metal together, but whatever that is… the pieces to create this awesome rolling gate the rolls neatly across our driveway to open and close at the click of a button. And it’s huge. The driveway is a two-car driveway, and the gate slides to cover the whole thing. It’s great. But anyway, he had to replace some old wood that was, sadly, rotting out on the gate. He said he’d gotten the wood second-hand, which apparently affected its lifespan. (Oh, yes, he had torn down some fencing to move the fencing to the border of the yard, instead of going through the middle of the yard, and used that fencing to help build the gate.) Hopefully, he parts he replaced today will hold up well for a long time, given that they are brand new (and treated).

Then I went and met my mom at the opera. Ran into an old teacher who turned into a colleague a few years back and his wife. They also were going to the opera, and it was lovely seeing them.

The opera was Verdi, so it was very opera. His shows always are. His music is passionate and powerful, and he’s usually making a point, somehow. Tonight’s “Il Trovatore” was no exception. Haha. It was physically tough for me, but it wasn’t too long of a production, so I managed. I was just really wiped out by halfway through. I actually wanted to go home, I was so tired, but I didn’t really want to skip the rest of the music. So, my mom and I shared a cool beverage, used the bathroom, and settled in for the last part.

It was funny, though. The baby usually starts to move whenever I settle down. When the second act was starting, the baby decided to move around a lot, going very 3-d, as I call it. But my mom wasn’t able to see it without her glasses on, and then the show was starting by the time she got them out.

But the baby kept doing some repeated bumping in a certain area up top, after the lights went down. So, I grabbed my mom’s hand a set it on the spot. Within seconds, the baby did the bump there again… and again… and again… For me, it is pretty normal. The baby has some phases it does, and this repeated bumping in a single spot happens every so often. But my mom ended up sitting there chuckling silently, as it was really cracking her up for some reason.

I hadn’t been sure she’d care to feel anything, as she’d never expressed any interest. But it seemed reasonable to give her the chance when I was pretty sure she’d get to feel the bumps. I was glad that she really seemed to enjoy it. Afterward, I gently flicked her arm, and she cracked up even more. The flick was very similar to the unidentified bumps from the baby. Just a random tap for no clear reason. On repeat. Haha Whatever, baby. Just keep it all gentle, and we’re on acceptable grounds.

I guess it probably reminded her of a dog (or person) who twitches while sleeping. Like a little sleeping tick, the foot just gently popping out every so often in the dream. Whatever the case, those are ones that are a touch odd but comfortable for me. It’s when the baby does these rolling-type movements that I struggle the most and wonder if I might hurl. When it stretches out and pushes slowly and strongly outward, that’s an odd one, too. Usually, it’s the butt or head that pushes outward. There are also the sudden flips and big jerks. Those suck. Anyone watching me can see when those happen, because my whole body jolts automatically from the shock of it. And tonight, we had one other movement that I sometimes get but that always sucks: when the baby rolls and stretches downward. My husband was making a face at me to get over whatever clearly was not a big deal when it was happening as I started to walk over to him tonight. I had to stop and lean over and try to get the baby to stop the movement, it was so uncomfortable. I gently but firmly pushed my fist into my husband’s gut just above the pelvic bone, and rolled my fist towards his body and downward. His face was not happy. ‘It pushes on the pelvic bone like that?!’ he questioned with extreme doubt. Yes, dear. Yes, it does. He couldn’t take it for more than a couple seconds. I wasn’t even pushing hard. I felt justified. Haha

Anyway, so, lots of general crap-feeling today. But I cleaned a possibly repaired the airplane mobile I’d gotten, tidied up a bit in the guest room, posted the shelf we are replacing on Facebook, and got most of the extra safe-related stuff moved to the top of the safe. (It isn’t stuff that needs to go inside the safe, and there isn’t room for it all in there, anyway. But it connects to everything in the safe, and it seems best to have everything be in the same place, at least for now, when I have no clue where else to put it, anyway.)

Tonight, I hope to sleep well. Tomorrow, I intend to work on the guest room shelving situation. We shall see what I can make happen in a single day. Oh, and I will take a photo of the baby box from Babylist. And put those things away after the photo.

God, thank you for this life and the love within it. Please, make me and the baby and my husband and mother well and safe. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Please, help me do best by this baby and by myself. Release me of the struggle, and have me experience the joy and miracle of all of this, please. Grant us a healthy and perfect and beautiful baby on the upcoming 11 January, in an easy birth at home. And, if it be your will, please have it be a girl this time. XX for all the healthy gene balancing for our first child to raise, please. Also, would you have people go ahead and rsvp to our shower tomorrow and Tuesday? Especially the folks who will not be attending. Thank you for everything. I love you and am grateful for you. Thank you for my husband and my mom and my dad and my grandma especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was productive and also rough. We got the shelf we needed, as well as boxes that I think will work for under the bed storage, now that our bed is lower. I may or may not have gotten enough to hold the stuff that needs to go under the guest bed for the time being. I got this cute rocking horse for tiny toddlers. It’s old and solid wood and was only $7. Of course, I cleaned it with wood cleaner, and it ended up leaving a big white stain-type thing on the back of it. So, need to sort that out…

I also made it to the fabric store to check out some necessary items for these quilts I agreed to make for my dad. Have I ever made a full quilt? No. I’ve done part of one. By hand. But I did some solid research yesterday and today, and I believe I have my bearings and will be able to manage quite well in the end. At the fabric store, I was shocked by the prices of various tools. So, like when I used to shop at Target, I pulled out my phone and checked Amazon for the exact same items. I was shocked that every single item was at least 30% cheaper on Amazon, and some 40% and 50% cheaper. Plus, the store didn’t have exactly what I wanted on some items, and I found an even better option on Amazon. So, I ordered the whole lot from Amazon, to be delivered to my home tomorrow, for free, of course. So, that was awesome to have handled. And it was great to have gone in person to see certain things, because I discovered a backing fabric that likely will be an awesome addition to the quilts that also saves lots of effort on my part. So, very productive trip there.

On the other side of things…

Got in a verbal tussle with my husband about baby stuff. I’ve worked very hard to get the big deal stuff second-hand at an immense discount, because I didn’t see any other way for us to afford it all. I got help, especially when I was really sick, putting together the registry as a list of ‘to-get’ items for myself. Then, I went through and categorized everything I would be getting myself versus what actually was meant to go on the baby shower registry. Lots of thought and effort went into this registry. But my husband expressed today that he was frustrated I got anything second-hand, because he expected his family would have bought that stuff new for us. This, of course, was the first I’d heard of this expectation, and it surprised me. I specifically anticipated people’s not wanting to buy expensive items for us, and made sure I handled those myself. It took time for them all to pan out, too, as is the case with second-hand things. So, this wasn’t a sudden thing I did. And I was letting my husband know all along what I was getting and what purpose it served and that I was doing it because I didn’t see a way for us to afford it otherwise. He had plenty of opportunities to speak up, but he never did.

I spent hours figuring out free and cheap baby boxes from companies, which ones were actually worth the effort, and sorting out actually being able to get those boxes. Again, to save us costs. And at his recommendation.

Yet, somehow, it has felt that every single thing I sort out for the baby stuff and every singe thing I bring home just kind of, well, pisses off my husband. I told him that tonight. He was not happy about it. I was not gentle in delivering the message. I was distraught and energetically drained and still feeling immensely lonely in all of this. I was not kind to him the way I want to be. But I also was honest in all that I said. It has felt like I’m the only one making any effort on all of this, and like I’m all alone and he’s just mad at everything I do.

Obviously, we have some stuff to work on there. It was a rough time this evening.

And then, shortly afterward, he’d said he was going to study, and instead fell asleep in the new lounge chair. I roused him and asked him just to come to bed and get up to study in the morning. He just went back to sleep. So, on yet another point of feeling incredibly lonely, once again, I went and got ready for bed on my own, and am now going to bed and sleep alone. The irony of it tonight hurts a bit, though, his being just in the other room (versus at the gym). He could be in here, and my whole brain seems to cling to the sense of abandonment of this each night. I know he isn’t abandoning me. But my brain keeps seeing him pick just about anything other than coming to bed with me, no matter the time, and can’t help but feel I don’t much matter to him. I have sacrificed my sleep for a long time now in efforts to satisfy his wishes on a schedule. But it feels 98% of the time utterly ignored and not reciprocated. Which sucks.

So, something else to work on for us…

And my belly – baby and digestion stuff – is aching, not feeling good at all. I did eat some food today, but it was nowhere near enough. I ate a bunch of candy crap just to get in calories, but I’m almost certain I still got nowhere near where I needed to be for the day, which is a huge part of why my body feels so terribly crap right now.

So, more stress…

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Goodnight.

God, guide us in your love and on your will, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

We went to the opera. It actually turned out okay. But I ended up pretty uncomfortable after intermission, and had to raise my shirt and lower my skirt, so nothing was touching my belly. Got both warm and overstimulated there. Fortunately, so no was sitting by us or on the row behind us at that point, so it is unlikely it was noticed. However, I did still feel a bit trashy sitting there at the opera with my belly completely exposed.

But it worked out okay and I got it covered up again before the show ended, and none were the wiser. My mom didn’t even notice until I told her, and she was sitting right next to me. Good sign.

Anyway, rest day tomorrow and then opera again on Sunday afternoon.

God, help us to be well, please, and keep me and the baby and my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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Okay. I think my goal for tomorrow is to move the cedar chest to the front room and to put away the laundry of mine that is still out. Secondary goal is to get the rest of the stuff for the safe moved to the bedroom into the box I put there for it all. My husband needs to go through some of it, so I might see about just adding the stuff to his junk pile of office stuff. If it doesn’t need to be in the safe, I don’t want it in there anymore. I’ll talk with him about it all.

Opera tomorrow night with my mom. I’m a bit stressed about it, but I no longer have anything official on the calendar for Saturday, so I can take it as a recovery day if I need.
We also have to go to Mass tomorrow, and I haven’t even looked up times. So, I’ll have to sort that out to go either morning or midday, because of the opera in the evening.

Two big activities in one day feels like a lot right now, especially with the big one being at night and going until after 10:30pm. But, again, I have Saturday just to recover, and only will do more work if I truly feel I can do it with ease. And the two activities are both things I normally love. Both are likely to be hard on me right now, but we shall see!

God, guide me always, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. Release me of my fears around the sex of our child, please. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will, and to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, the people you created us to be and call us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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It had better be a glitch. We use Duolingo for schools. Suddenly, mid-lesson today, it switched to a normal account set-up. It still showed the schools leaderboard, but everything else that is specific for the schools option was gone. This wouldn’t be the first time Duolingo has had a glitch. This one is just extremely annoying, as it took more than double the time for a single lesson to be completed. No wonder so many people don’t keep streaks unless they pay for Super. It was a miserable waste of time.

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I discovered two packages today that I hadn’t expected, and two that I had. Sadly, the two I had expected, which were various sizes of a gorgeous swimsuit, didn’t have a single piece inside that fit me. So, those are now all returns. Of the two I hadn’t expected, one looked like a package that I had expected, but turned out to be a utterly unlabeled gift from my registry that someone has purchased for me. No notes, no names, and not even an outside packaging. I had thought it was the welcome box from the registry website. But it was the bottle sampler pack, and it cases me much confusion at first. When it finally clicked that it said something like “Bottle Box” on the box, I realized it wasn’t a bizarre version of their welcome kit, after all. I ended up going onto the registry to figure out who might have sent it. (I’ve made a prepared effort not to see who’s getting me things or what anyone is getting. But this one felt kind of important to figure out, so I checked it out to see if it might be easy to tell.) Fortunately, it was quick and easy to discover, and it didn’t give away anything else from anyone else. My first guess was right, and it was a happy surprise to have gotten something from that particular friend. She is quite practical, and it makes me laugh that she would pick such a practical item off the registry (especially considering she could have gotten many somethings that are less expensive than this was). Whatever the case, I’m hoping she’s sending a card to accompany the gift, just sent separately by her. If not, I can still send her a thank-you note and, hopefully, also will see her when she’s in town the week after the shower(!).

The other package with my name was an Amazon package with my married name on it. So, I figured it was a registry gift. (Much easier to consider after the bottle box situation had just been sorted earlier today! Also, since I had told someone yesterday that she could send things here with my married name, and I’d know they were gifts and not to open them until the shower.) But my brain didn’t process fully that the item probably wasn’t wrapped on the inside of the Amazon package. It just imagined that the gift was coming from someone who wouldn’t be at the shower, and so I should open the outside package. Of course, I was right that it was a registry gift, but it was not wrapped on the inside, so I saw clearly what it was. The little slips of paper inside the main packaging also gave me a small note and the names of the folks who had sent it. And yes, it was from someone who had told me already that she couldn’t make the shower, but to send her the details anyway. I put both gifts in the cradle in our living room for the time being, and we’ll see what happens as time progresses.

Anyway, on that note, I have to go to sleep – I can barely think straight anymore. Goodnight.

God, be with us and guide us always, please. Help our leaders to be ones who follow you and trust in you. Make me and the baby and my husband healthy and well, please, and keep us all three safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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The appointment today seemed to go really well. The midwife said things were looking pretty good all around, and that I am very textbook in a lot of my stuff where I have been worried or nervous. She gave me further specifics of things I would need to tell her immediately if they happen or if I think they might be happening – we had already discussed some of the main ones due to questions and concerns I had had going into it all in the first place.

My mom was at the appointment, and I appreciated and valued that. I have a blood test next appointment, which is in a month. Fingers crossed that I can take enough iron (and the other vitamins) for everything to look good on that blood test, and so we don’t have to do any last-minute adjustments or IVs. There was an almost-week-long delay with the auto-shipping for the iron a couple weeks ago, so I went maybe six days with no iron supplement at all. As a reminder, my iron was at 19. A healthy person’s iron is 150-300. Pregnancy takes a lot of iron, which is why mine had gotten so low in the first place. However, since I have had so much trouble eating, I have to take these supplements in order to have a chance of reaching even close to 40 on my iron, which she said is kind of a necessity for these next couple months or so. So, didn’t do the blood test today. Working on taking the iron twice a day every day going forward. Managed it two of the last three days already, which is progress for me(!).

Uh…. I got a fun airplane shelf for the baby’s room (I guess). It seems to be solid wood, possibly handmade, and definitely old. it’s basically a double-shelf where the shelves are the wings of the airplane. It’s just the front half of a plane, though, like it’s coming through the wall. But the propeller actually spins if you move it, so that’s cool. The wheels spin, too.

And I told my brother, who is a teacher and who is not doing the hottest right now financially, and is really working on saving up for a house next year with his wife – he’s not broke or anything, but being a teacher necessarily means not earning a lot of money – that he and his wife didn’t need to get anything for the baby shower. They just needed to show up, she to the shower and he to the men’s Biergarten gathering. In an unintentional and unexpected way, I found out this afternoon that he got me a gift from the registry. I had turned off all notifications for the registry. But it was an e-mail that came from a separate website, from which I had listed a single item on my registry. It was a very expensive rocking horse that is not a horse but an airplane. It’s super cute and cool and seems sturdy enough. And the rocker pieces can come off and the thing becomes a rolling riding toy for the kid. It’s kind of swanky, really. But it is aesthetically pleasing, too, not like a plastic-y, fake-looking, super colorful kids toy. It just looks like a tiny airplane made of wood instead of metal.

So, I had put it on the registry in case someone wanted to spend a small chunk of change on us, maybe one of the wealthier relatives my husband and I each have. That makes sense, right? I was also considering watching it for a Black Friday sale, in the likely case that no one got it for us. Also makes sense. But, instead, I get an e-mail saying my teacher brother has gotten me a gift from this website – remember that it was the only item I had from that website. So, I know that he basically spent $200 on us and our baby. He put a sweet message with it, saying he hoped we’d have a great time together with our kid with this gift, and that it hopefully would last a long time. He didn’t say what it was, of course, but, again, only item… So, yeah… I truly am grateful for it. But it does hurt just a bit to know that he gifted us that somewhat out of sacrifice, versus out of overflow. I know he loves me. I hope he is comfortable giving us this gift. I probably would do something similar, if the roles were reversed. After all, he isn’t expecting to have loads of expensive costs for the next year straight, and then the general costs of having a child after that. For me, I can’t even fathom spending so much on a gift, even for family, right now. That impending ‘cost of living the upcoming life’ weighs heavily on me. Perhaps, if we were back to a year ago, my husband and I both would say it were a worthy cause and we’d easily manage adjusting to pay for the $200 gift. I just can’t get there mentally right now. Haha

God, please, help take care of my brother and his wife. Help them find your way in life. Ease them of their biggest stresses and most constant stresses. Make them well, please. Thank you for their love. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe. Help us always to see and follow your will, being the people you call us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Happy Feast Day of St. Jude Thaddeus!! St. Jude, pray for us! ❤

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We picked up some wooden airplanes for the baby’s room, and then headed to the air show today around midday. We were supposed to be there by eleven, when it started. However, I was not doing so hot and wasn’t able to get myself ready until close to noon. And then I forgot about the wooden airplanes, so we had to detour to go get those on our way out the door.

But, I think, both turned out quite well. The wooden airplanes were good and cute and affordable, and the real airplanes were fun to watch. My husband don’t get to see beer as much as he had wanted, and I feel bad about that. But it also was a necessary sacrifice in order for me to attend with him. I’m glad he waited for me and didn’t make me drive separately. But I am still sad he didn’t get to be there the whole time. And that I didn’t process that it was in full sunlight the whole time, and so didn’t have a long-sleeve shirt. I had to carry around the umbrella, which was annoying and in people’s way (had to be cautious of that the whole time, which was a hassle), and we rushed around to all the vendors to see if anyone was selling a long-sleeve. And no, they weren’t. Only one booth had any at all, and their smallest was a single XL. And they were $40 a piece. I didn’t even like the shirt, so I would not spend out money on that. But I felt bad that my husband was clearly super stressed about trying to find a shirt for me. Also, the way I had to hold the umbrella, it ended up snagging my very nice shirt multiple times on the shoulder, which I’m trying not to think about. I managed to fix the snags mostly, and I’m just really hoping they will improve fully in the wash. There’s a high chance they might do that, so I’m intending that they do.

Anyway, I was hurting a lot physically and was overwhelmed by the new environment and the rushed timeline and the stress I was clearly causing my husband. For all of that, I think I did pretty well. Especially considering that I did enjoy the time.

But, golly, is my stomach feeling not-so-great right now. I’ve been lying in bed over an hour now, and it is not settled yet.

Anyway, here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight and have a great start to the week tomorrow onward. Cheers!

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P.S. Thank you, God, for keeping everyone safe today. In your name, I pray. Amen.

We did the Park to Port Bike Ride this morning, my mom and husband and brother and I. Originally, my brother was the support car, and he had a spare bicycle on the back that fit him, so that he and I could switch places whenever my body said I needed to be done. However, I really settled in okay after the first three miles, and ended up doing the whole first half without having to switch. When we had only three miles to go, I told my mom to have my brother go park at the turn-around party and ride back to meet us, so he could ride with the three of us for a bit. He ended up doing the last mile+ with us, and he and my husband clearly had a blast together for it.

After the turn-around party (aka real breakfast and chocolate milk and a short rest), I was still feeling very okay, and so we just left the car at the turn-around, and we all rode the whole way back together. The boys had a great time going wild off-course. My mom went at her own pace and occasionally stopped to let me catch up. And I just did what I could without pushing anything. I ended up riding the whole thing, which was 18 and a half miles all together.

To be clear, the last time I exercised was in May. I have only just been able to starting going on walks, and they are mostly just over half a mile each time, and they’re only every few days or more. I rode the bicycle for about seven minutes about two weeks ago, when we adjusted the seat height and angle so that my rolled hips could actually handle being on the bike. Basically, it speaks volumes as to how fit I was before the pregnancy, that I was able not only to do this ride today, but that I was able to do it pregnant.

What was funny to me was how people mostly had no idea I was pregnant. From behind, I don’t look anything other than a random slim girl. From the front and side, of course, I look like I have a basketball shoved under my shirt. Haha

That being said, the uphills were the only really hard parts for the ride. You see, I had a few things going against me on these. 1)My abs don’t really do any muscle work these days. They have just have spread apart and chill mostly. They don’t really flex. So, 2)I couldn’t ride standing up or use my core. 3)When pedaling on an uphill, my knees would slam into my belly, since it sticks out so much. So, I had to pedal the uphills with my knees splayed outward, as though I were on a little kid’s bike that was way too small for me. 4)My muscles are all smaller than they were in May. So, my thighs were not accustomed to working quite so hard all on their own. And 5)I weigh a lot more, percentage wise, than I ever have riding a bicycle. So, uphills were with splayed knees, only sitting, no ab support, heavier weight, and weaker muscles. Yes, they sucked.

So, I was moaning and groaning aloud for each of the uphills. And, unless the person turned to look at me while passing or afterward – they rarely did – the only thoughts people could have had were versions of, This girl sucks at riding a bike.

So, yeah, that happened loads. Haha. But the photographers noticed me quickly and were sure to get some photos of me and this baby. In ten years of this ride, we have never seen a pregnant woman doing the ride. I was definitely an anomaly for the event. But I held my own, and I am proud of it.

I am grateful to my family for being so supportive and so patient. I am grateful to my husband for making the bicycle actually fit the weird angle I needed. And I’m grateful to the midwife who had encouraged me to listen to my body and trust its messages, versus most common behaviors. (Most women don’t end up riding bicycles when pregnant, both because of the change in center of gravity and because of the effort.)

The only issue I had was that, though my hands always end up hurting by the end, because my handlebars have these weird 3-d design grips on them, today was the worst ever. My palms and my wrists were truly hurting before the end of the ride. I imagine that, since my seat had to be so far angled forward, to the point that I was half-leaning against it and half-sitting on it, that created much more pressure on my wrists and hands. Not to mention my heavier weight in the first place. So, what normally is only a touch painful by the end was like fire by about halfway. I did get paper towels to be a buffer against the handlebars at the halfway point, and that helped immensely with the grips situation and my palms. But that didn’t change the pressure on my wrists, and that really sucked by the end. Haha

But we made it! I’m sure my wrists will be sore tomorrow, as still will my lower palms (as they are now, raw-feeling and sore). And my groin area with have the same bruising it gets every year – yes, it was hurting already before we finished the ride, as always. And attending two Halloween parties tonight was not the greatest idea, given that my feet started hurting terribly and my tailbone’s sudden discomfort that turned into actual pain in a short period of time tonight made me cry before we left the second party. So, yeah… that sucked. Tailbone part still sucks. It hurts.

We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

God, thank you for today. Thank you for the fun and love and joy and ability of today. Thank you for my family and for bicycles. Make us well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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Bike ride tomorrow morning. We shall see how it goes!

God, keep us all safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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