Still total crap, but slightly improved. Also got a sore throat and lots of diarrhea today. It will be helpful to stay home from work tomorrow to help me recover from it all.
And I still hate the people at my job.
God, guide me safely and clearly, please. Grant us a sense of ease that we are following your will, please. Keep my husband safe. Make me and the baby well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I don’t want to sound like all the people who actually were at fault but claim it was their bosses etc. But this one truly seems to be stacked against me.
I don’t know what to do. I always am able to figure it out and see what to do. But it isn’t working this time.
I’m clearly depressed – I can barely function and I just cry all the time, and it feels like the world is just too hard of a place and I don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be, but it isn’t here.
How did I go from one job that treated me unjustly to another that does so even worse? What lesson did I not learn, that God is having me go through all this again, but loads worse?
Am I not supposed to be a teacher in a school anymore? Is that it? Was I not supposed to be in the first place?
This will be the third time I have been treated horribly by a school, and the second time they let me go for something absurd that has just about zero to do with my actual ability to teach and to connect with the students.
I have clearly missed something. Life is not this hard when we trust in God and give ourselves over to Him. Perhaps I have used too much logic by working to provide money to support my family, when I need to have been trusting my gut feelings, my encouragements provided by God.
Hmm…
Okay, so, let’s see… I am not well at work. I feel attacked and hated and unwanted. I have felt like they have wanted me out of there since almost the first week of being on campus. It did not take long before I allowed myself to say allowed that I hated my job. And I meant it. I still wanted to keep my job, because of the money and insurance it provided for my family. I also hated my job quite deeply. I have become depressed just having to be there and even think about being there. I have become quite stressed and even begun to panic about not being able to get things done at home, both for our daily living and for the arrival of our child. On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat and had extra trouble eating because of the stress. (Bad stress makes me not eat.) On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat due to the despair, almost like a sick sort of punishment… like I don’t deserve food and need to starve myself in part as punishment for… whatever.
So, it looks like I am not well psychologically.
But I also don’t want that to be an excuse to give up. When I do something, I do it. I give it my effort. And my effort is a lot. For some reason, it has been very difficult for me to give my full effort to work this year. I’m not sure if it is that or if my effort is simply smaller right now. My brain has changed and made work loads harder. My energy levels have been incredibly lower than usual. And my interest in doing a good job has been absurdly low. I almost don’t even care about giving the kids the best education possible. Normally, I’m positively stressed about doing the best I possibly can by the students in the time I have with them. This year, I have mostly felt lethargic and, even, at the point of being incapable of caring. Like my brain just doesn’t go that direction and make that circuit anymore. I have a sort of listlessness about my work. Ah. I have no passion for it. That’s the right way to say it. I have no passion for my work this year. And I suppose that is because of both the environment and because of the tremendous physical effort it requires slash toll it takes on me while I’m pregnant.
Okay, so… My job seems to be rather bad for me, and I clearly hate it. Got it. But hating a job doesn’t seem a fair enough reason to leave it, at least not when the job is the main means of financial support for one’s family. I would need another job to support us, and kind of immediately.
But is that a good enough reason to stay in an almost dangerous, or, at least, detrimental environment? Perhaps not… but I’m not convinced yet.
Will I be able to find a other job while working still here? I think not. I barely do the job and go home to eat and go to bed each night. I panicked at the prospect of figuring out how to manage getting in touch with employment attorneys, when they’re only open weekdays and I have mandatory work and classes during most of their business hours. There it literally one hour at the end of their workday that I am available weekdays. (Yet another thing I dislike tremendously about this job.) So, no, I will not be successful in both doing my current job and finding a new one at the same time. I don’t care how smart it is. It isn’t something that will work for me. I’m not going to sacrifice doing a good job (Though, the admin seems to believe I’m not doing a good job anyway, so what does it matter? Integrity is what matters to me. I agreed to do a job and I am going to give it what I can while I can.)
Okay, but I don’t want to be running away from the job or from whatever situation. I’d like to handle it, especially so that I don’t have to deal with it ever again. If I can complete whatever this is, perhaps I will not have to cross it ever again in life.
With that, I will go to sleep and see how God might inspire me in my dreams.
God, be with me and guide me clearly, please. Help me to act with confidence and competence, especially in these next few weeks, and especially at my job. Show me exactly what to do that I might fulfill your will in my life. Help me to be the best person I can be, the person you call me to be. Make me and the baby well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Show us the way, and help us to trust you in following it fully and immediately. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I miss the days when I worked part-time and took care of my husband and the house the rest of the time. We were so much more joyful then. We barely have a relationship right now, beyond my needing to be held together by him. We barely see one another, and I hardly have the energy when we do see one another.
Just something I noticed just now.
How can we do that kind of life again, but be financially stable? With a baby, of course.
God, guide us, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
They scheduled a last-minute meeting at the end of the day today during my last class. I thought they were firing me. Instead, they gave me a mostly-vague improvement plan that requires immediate improvement and only has a week and a half timeline included in it. And they included loads of information they had never shared with me before today. Basically, it seems like they are finally officially working to fire me, and with no severance package. Looks like the long-term sub candidate passed her background check and is available in a week and a half to start.
My department head doubted me when I expressed this concern. She knew that had been horrible to me from the start, and had said she would have quite several times over, had she been in my shoes. But she thought she would have been informed if they were doing anything that might lead to terminating my contract. She said she feels like she was incredibly naïve, and she apologized for thinking everything was no big deal when I was originally very concerned this might happen. She believes I am a great addition to the school and a great teacher. She’s also the only one who has talked to me about class and lessons etc., or who has ever observed me in class. But none of it is up to her, and she hates how helpless she feels and is right now.
Personally, as frustrating as all the BS is, I trust God. The amount of strain and depression that has lifted simply at the prospect of not having this job in another couple weeks has been shocking. Even though we cannot get by without the income, and we will have no insurance any longer, it is starting to seem clear that God doesn’t want me in this environment. If He did, there would be a path forward within it. But it has been near-constant roadblocks for the past two months.
I told my husband that my goal now is just to get as much money as possible before leaving the job, whatever the circumstances of my departure may be and whenever they may be. The whole point of keeping the job that made me miserable and depressed was to help with finances. That is truly still the point, so I will stay as long as I can in order to earn that paycheck.
God, guide us clearly in your will, please. Thank you for the love of my family and of my friends. Guide our leaders to follow you. Help me to see clearly my next step. Keep my husband safe, please. Make me and our baby well and safe, please. Your will be done. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Today was a service day for me and a few other teachers, along with one grade of students that we all teach. When we arrived at the place, and old colleague I used to visit regularly across campus – at my previous school, that is – was walking out of the building as we were preparing to unload our busses. I called out to her from the open bus door, as I leaned over the railing wall in front of my first row of seats. She was excited to see me. I confirmed she wasn’t leaving, and she told me that she works there. I knew she would be even more excited when she saw me clearly and up close. Sure enough, she was absolutely thrilled and congratulated us.
We ended up spending most of our time under her direction, and it was lovely to reconnect and just hang with her. There was one point that I said to her, “You are such a boy mom,” because of how she had interacted with and spoken to one of the girls. She wasn’t mean at all, but she had been straightforward and a touch fierce in a way that these girls were definitely not accustomed. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the girl hadn’t been incredibly embarrassed and even cried a bit over it. Her words and sentiment were both valid and important, but girls are much more sensitive than boys when t comes to corrections. What’s more, these girls aren’t accustomed to being accountable for their behavior or to thinking of others first, let alone being made aware of the rudeness of their own behavior. I loved that she called out the student on it, but it was also clear that she wasn’t used to girls. It was hilarious to witness, and also a touch vindicating.
The time there was a good experience as a whole. Though, the bus ride home was hard on my body. But the chatting with girls on the way home was awesome.
Then, the other teachers decided we were allowed to leave once the students had been dismissed, even though the school placed official work hours for all faculty this year – total waste of time, by the way, and infuriating… I get work done in the mornings, not the afternoons, and even more so these days while pregnant… but our hours are set to force us to work at the end of the day and not before school almost at all, so I get nothing done in the afternoons, because my brain and body are beyond done at that point, and I go sue the bathroom and stand and wait to be allowed to leave when other employees go waking by to leave. So, we a headed to the parking garage together and left school when we should have been allowed to leave in the first place. That was a huge relief.
Then I joined the Oktoberfest celebration at my grandma’s place, and enjoyed the food and drinks and company and atmosphere with her and my mom and my husband.
Then I got to snuggle with my husband on the sofa in a position that was actually quite comfortable for me. For about ten minutes, we just lay there together. He went ahead and placed his hand in my belly when we first lay down, and, sure enough, he got to feel some real and obvious baby movements. I was delighted. I only started to feel the clear physical movements a week or two ago, and they only became 3-D, meaning visible, two days ago. He had felt some tiny bumps the first night of it all, but I think it was hard for him to believe what he had felt. Today’s movements were much bigger ones, and I think it helped make it very clear that, no, I wasn’t just doing that myself. (He had said that the first night, ‘Isn’t that just you don’t that?’) It’s a crazy concept, and it still weirds me out, but I’m growing accustomed to it all pretty quickly, it seems. Even when the baby is clearly pushing repeatedly on organs or nerve clustered, I’m learning to adapt to the bizarre and slightly paralyzing events, merely pausing briefly while they happen and I readjust physically.
And then, he got up and I passed out hard core on the sofa. I woke up over two and a half hours later, and went to get ready for bed. So, I’m going to bed way later for me, but I’ve already had more than a couple hours of sleep. Hopefully, it will go well for tomorrow.
Now, it is just after eleven PM. I’m about to pass out again, and my husband is sitting in the bedroom with me, working on his computer and just being around me, because I asked him if he could tonight for a bit. It’s awesome. I have been feeling so lonely these days, so every bit makes a huge difference. And it’s really exciting to get to see my husband for a while right before bed, a time when he is usually heading off to the gym instead. But he already went while I was passed out on the sofa, and is back home for the night. My brain is at ease, knowing he’s home, and my body is at ease chemically, spending time with him hanging in the room with me. 🙂
All in all, today was quite a decent day. I had tough moments and times, like when I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t going to piss myself on the buss, or else have explode diarrhea. Or when it got really loud with the students while they had free time. But it was satisfying as a whole. It wasn’t exactly a good day, but it was a satisfying one. And I’m grateful for that.
Thank you, God, for the balances of today. Help us to be well and to be safe, please. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
We had a rodeo meeting tonight. I wasn’t thrilled at having to be out and about so much and so late, but I always enjoy seeing the people and being part of something I like so much. So, though it was tiring and noisy at times, I enjoyed my evening and the meeting and the hangout time around the meeting. One day, I will go with them to the after-hangout restaurant. However, not while I’m still teaching. It’s just too tiring under normal circumstances to be out so late on a school night. Currently, it’s loads harder, being pregnant and all.
So, thank you, God, for the good and loving company tonight at the meeting. Thank you for helping me truly to feel loved and supported. Thank you. Keep my husband safe, please. Make me and the baby well and safe, too, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Have no worries. Literally, “Make yourself no worries.” It came up as the recommended/offered prayer meditation on Hallow today, the prayer app. Well, tonight, not today. The name of it, the message of the name, just felt so perfect for right now in my life, I went ahead and played it.
So, now I shall meditate on releasing my fears and worries and on trusting God fully to manage the beauty in my life.
Thank you, God. Keep me and the baby safe, please, and my family. Keep my husband safe, please. And grant us a beautiful and well and safe baby in our arms on January 11 this coming year. Make the birth easy for us and the baby, please. Guide us with your hands. If it be your will, of course. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
My brain just isn’t doing it these days. If something is mentioned to me, of course, I write it down immediately or add it to my calendar directly. But it has to be brought up. I know we have rodeo meetings the first Wednesday of each month, starting roughly in August or September. But I also always put them in my calendar when they are first mentioned in an e-mail or at our first meeting. However, I didn’t have any in my calendar before tonight, aside from our first meeting this month. Fortunately, we got an e-mail today telling us about the meeting this week. But it kind of freaked me out. I always put them all into my calendar as soon as they are mentioned each year. And, I guess, they just weren’t mentioned in our first meeting, and they weren’t in the follow-up e-mail either (which came quite late, actually, in terms of the info we were waiting to receive in it). Even still, it took me off guard that I had nothing in my calendar, and it freaked me out a bit that I could have potentially missed it, let alone others, because my brain wasn’t automatically waiting for the first Wednesday of the month for our next meeting.
Does that make sense? It does to me, anyway… things are just harder now, both physically and mentally. And emotionally, too, really, and hormonally. Extroversion and dirtiness have become immensely difficult for me in recent months, and both wipe me out energetically like crazy.
Lord, help me to do well on all you call me to do. Make me and this baby well, please, and keep us and my family safe. Keep my husband especially safe, please. Thank you for this family and for this future into which we are getting finally to grow. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I may have overstayed at the house of our old neighbor friends today, but it’ll be okay. I had intended just to stop by for a few minutes and then leave. However, when I walked in, they basically handed me the baby and started doing other stuff. His mom had been holding the baby. When I leaned over just to see the kid, she stood right up off the sofa, handed me the baby, and walked off. Maybe ten minutes or so later, she told her son she ‘d be back after a while, and she left the house. I didn’t see her again today.
I didn’t even get to give them the gift I’d brought for them, the whole reason for the visit, for at least half an hour, because I had the baby. When they determined to have him nurse, I got the gifts and presented them – they were well received. And I thought I might then head out. However, the baby finished nursing, and they just gave him right back to me. So, we al hung out and chatted while I chilled with the baby. We had snacks together and just had a nice time. Then I was about to get up to go again, when the baby was truly ready to nurse – he hadn’t been fully ready the first time, and had passed out hard core after almost no time at all – and the husband had to go get something from the store, so he asked if I could stay to help the wife as needed. (She had a c-section just over a week ago, and so can’t pick up their toddler. I was basically a sort of babysitter for the toddler while he was gone.)
Once he left, the wife clearly had some venting she needed to do, se thoughts and emotions she had been holding in that needed release. So, I accepted her tidal wave o’ stuff.
Then, I was getting up to go again, after the husband was back, and they asked if I was staying for dinner. I said that I was not planning to do so, as I did not want to intrude, since I had already been there so long. They very comfortably told me I was absolutely welcome to stay. It was easier than figuring out what food I was supposed to eat at home, so I went ahead and accepted.
Finally, after dinner was over and the husband had walked the dog, I got myself out of there. I had had zero intentions of being there past a few minutes, and so it kind of freaked me out that I’d been there for several hours. I really hoped and still do that they truly didn’t mind and that I was also helpful while there.
Post-a-day 2024
I had a really satisfying appointment today with the midwife. My blood work all looked really good, aside from the one thing we knew was going to be low, the ferric reading. So, I need to go ahead and double the iron supplements I’m taking, though on the other half of the day, since the body can only absorb so much at once. I have to start drinking a magnesium supplement soon, too, in addition to the magnesium lotion I use before bed each night. Mg helps with sleep, but also helps balance what increased Fe intake can kind of make go wonky. But she said Mg is a big deal for the last few months, as are the iron levels. If the latter aren’t at least double what they are now by the time of my next appointment, she said I will have to have a one-time IV to get the necessary iron supplementation. So, all the more reason to sort it out before then(!).
Anyway, utterly exhausted tonight. Had lunch with my mom after the appointment, and it was a very nice time together, though I struggled with the food and don’t manage much beyond grains. Then I had my high school reunion – it’s an annual thing for all alumnae, with just special focus on the reunions that are multiples of five that year. People from my class actually showed up this year, and it was really fun just getting to hang and chat with them. They were mostly people with whom I hadn’t really been friends, but whom I, of course, had known. Yet it was still great. It helped with the sense of loneliness in life lately. AND my husband actually came with me, and it was so wonderful to have him there. He ended up hanging out on a sofa in a corner when we were doing a class photo, and then I basically didn’t see him again until he left close to an hour later. But it meant so much to me that he was there and was supporting me. I felt safe, somehow, because of it. Not that school feels unsafe. Just that I felt the experience distinctly of safety with his being there with me. I ended up staying another hour and a half after he left. It was a really good time for me, just being with people, and also connecting with some on a personal level. It was really nice.
Thank you, God, for this day. Thank you for the Mass and the reunion and lunch and the appointment and the safe travels and the weather. Thank you. Help me to sleep well, please. Make me and the baby well. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
hannah ananas 