Author: hannah.ananas

Current status: Lacking

Post-a-day 2024

Golly, this baby moves around a lot. In a way, it’s relieving to be able to feel all the physical movements, to have the bumping-bumping every time I stop moving for a couple minutes or more. Before, I just felt a sort of wishy-washy gurgling, like digestion but in the wrong place. And it made me all the more nauseous every time I tried to rest or relax. Now, we have confirmation that the extra nausea was coming from the little baby growing inside of me, and wasn’t just random waves of nausea. It really was real that going to bed and lying down made me feel more sick than I already felt.

It is still weird to feel the bumping so much, so often. But, I guess, it’s like the earthquakes in Japan. Once I adjusted to the Earth rumbling every week, reminding us that it is both there and a living piece of God’s creation, ever changing, it felt normal and right for the Earth to move and for me to feel it. We had a sort of relationship that brought us closer than ever before. It took a long time to adjust to a world that didn’t talk to me, so to speak, that didn’t remind me all the time that it was here, once I moved back to Texas. The baby’s movements remind me a lot of those earthquakes. As odd as they may have felt at the start and even still feel, they are becoming normal and are building a conscious closeness in the relationship between me and the baby. The more time we spend together with the baby bumping its way into my day and my conscience, the stronger the relationship feels. And I have a fondness now for the bumps. They still make me nauseous, which I don’t love at all. But I am growing accustomed to them, to this almost conversation we seem to be having, the baby and I.

Anyway, naturally, it has been bumping away as I write this, so I can’t much stand to look at a screen any longer right now. Goodnight.

God, make us well and safe, please. Keep my husband safe and well, please. Guide me always to be the person you call me to be, the best person I can be. Help me to do your will with ease and confidence and comfort, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

God, guide me to follow your will in my life fully, especially right now. Help us to find our clear path forward through all of this. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I hate dental work. Totally enjoy the cleanings. But hate the other stuff. As I was concerned, I ended up with three spots in my teeth that were concerning enough to warrant fillings. The ones on my teeth are only ever between teeth where they touch one another, because I do a great job taking care of my teeth, but got some bad genes. Frankly, my oral hygiene is probably among the best in the world. So, I shouldn’t have cavities, and yet there they are…

Anyway, I got the three fillings. One seems mostly fine, another okay, and the third is driving me nuts. Flossing hurts and feels like it is catching a shelf. The floss shreds partly every time I try that spot. And my aligners still haven’t gotten back to fitting on my teeth fully up top, which is where the fillings all happened. What’s more, they all are the wrong texture. They aren’t tooth texture like my teeth and my other fillings. So, my tongue rubs them all day long, driving me nuts, making it feel like junk is stuck to my teeth, but I can’t get it off.

So, even after making them adjust them a bunch the other day for shaping, I’ll have to go back and get them to do even more. Which is the most frustrating part, I think. They’ve messed with my mouth. Things don’t align or feel the same or correct anymore. And yet they always seem to end up frustrated when I want them to get it back to the right size and shape and smoothness. Sure, they’re happy to help initially. But my fillings are always harder ones to manage, and the matching color makes it pretty much impossible for them to see anything off about them. And only my tongue can truly say what’s wrong and where. But it doesn’t point very well. Or pinpoint at all. So, I usually get flustered and feel like the problem child because I can feel the massive differences and I know things are still off. If I were allowed to fix it myself, I probably could. But having to explain it to someone else for that resin to do it is always a hassle. And that someone else always gets annoyed before the end. Like the other day. I knew they weren’t right yet, but I could tell they were better enough for me to stand them for a few days or so. The dentist and assistant were clearly a bit frustrated – which, frankly, I don’t understand… do they not learn in dental school that work fillings just will take lots of editing in the end? Is this a new concept for them, a filling not being perfect right off the bat?

Anyway…

God, help my teeth to be comfortable and beautiful and functional for me, please. Help me to see clearly your will in my life and to do it with grace and ease and confidence. Keep my husband safe, please. Make me and the baby well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Had a meeting to start the day today. It didn’t go well for the start. I actually got practical info for the second part of it, which was helpful. However, I still think they’re trying to fire me. The person got nasty with me a few times, which was not cool. I mostly kept my cool very well and spoke clearly and precisely almost the whole time. “Keep it in black and white,” I was coached beforehand and again afterward. People tend to avoid that, but it truly is the necessary place for workability and integrity. ‘You say this about me. Please, define what makes me so. What specific aspects of my actions determined that analysis?’ We went through several versions of this question on different topics, and the person almost never would give an answer. Lots of evasion.

It was very frustrating how much this person doesn’t care about supporting me at all, though kept claiming a desire to do just that. Hypocrisy can be tough to be around, and it’s even harder to be in the receiving end of a lot of negativity that is directly tied to the hypocrisy.

Anyway, moving onto the next day.

God, thank you for the confidence and ease within myself today. Please, continue to guide me clearly. Help me to see with confidence and comfort my next step in fulfilling your will in my life. Keep my husband safe, please. Make me and the baby well, truly well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

My mom said I sounded way better on the phone tonight. I told her how I had felt completely different today then I have felt in a while – I felt like myself today. It made a huge difference. It also helped me find clarity on everything, which was tremendous. I feel loads better. I am loads better.

God, help me to continue to see clearly how next to proceed in pursuing and fulfilling your will. Keep my husband safe, please, and make me and the baby well. Thank you for your constant presence and your guidance. Grant me the words to fulfill your will, especially this week. Help me remember that you are with me, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Still total crap, but slightly improved. Also got a sore throat and lots of diarrhea today. It will be helpful to stay home from work tomorrow to help me recover from it all.

And I still hate the people at my job.

God, guide me safely and clearly, please. Grant us a sense of ease that we are following your will, please. Keep my husband safe. Make me and the baby well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I don’t want to sound like all the people who actually were at fault but claim it was their bosses etc. But this one truly seems to be stacked against me.
I don’t know what to do. I always am able to figure it out and see what to do. But it isn’t working this time.

I’m clearly depressed – I can barely function and I just cry all the time, and it feels like the world is just too hard of a place and I don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be, but it isn’t here.

How did I go from one job that treated me unjustly to another that does so even worse? What lesson did I not learn, that God is having me go through all this again, but loads worse?

Am I not supposed to be a teacher in a school anymore? Is that it? Was I not supposed to be in the first place?

This will be the third time I have been treated horribly by a school, and the second time they let me go for something absurd that has just about zero to do with my actual ability to teach and to connect with the students.

I have clearly missed something. Life is not this hard when we trust in God and give ourselves over to Him. Perhaps I have used too much logic by working to provide money to support my family, when I need to have been trusting my gut feelings, my encouragements provided by God.

Hmm…

Okay, so, let’s see… I am not well at work. I feel attacked and hated and unwanted. I have felt like they have wanted me out of there since almost the first week of being on campus. It did not take long before I allowed myself to say allowed that I hated my job. And I meant it. I still wanted to keep my job, because of the money and insurance it provided for my family. I also hated my job quite deeply. I have become depressed just having to be there and even think about being there. I have become quite stressed and even begun to panic about not being able to get things done at home, both for our daily living and for the arrival of our child. On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat and had extra trouble eating because of the stress. (Bad stress makes me not eat.) On multiple occasions I have not wanted to eat due to the despair, almost like a sick sort of punishment… like I don’t deserve food and need to starve myself in part as punishment for… whatever.

So, it looks like I am not well psychologically.

But I also don’t want that to be an excuse to give up. When I do something, I do it. I give it my effort. And my effort is a lot. For some reason, it has been very difficult for me to give my full effort to work this year. I’m not sure if it is that or if my effort is simply smaller right now. My brain has changed and made work loads harder. My energy levels have been incredibly lower than usual. And my interest in doing a good job has been absurdly low. I almost don’t even care about giving the kids the best education possible. Normally, I’m positively stressed about doing the best I possibly can by the students in the time I have with them. This year, I have mostly felt lethargic and, even, at the point of being incapable of caring. Like my brain just doesn’t go that direction and make that circuit anymore. I have a sort of listlessness about my work. Ah. I have no passion for it. That’s the right way to say it. I have no passion for my work this year. And I suppose that is because of both the environment and because of the tremendous physical effort it requires slash toll it takes on me while I’m pregnant.

Okay, so… My job seems to be rather bad for me, and I clearly hate it. Got it. But hating a job doesn’t seem a fair enough reason to leave it, at least not when the job is the main means of financial support for one’s family. I would need another job to support us, and kind of immediately.

But is that a good enough reason to stay in an almost dangerous, or, at least, detrimental environment? Perhaps not… but I’m not convinced yet.

Will I be able to find a other job while working still here? I think not. I barely do the job and go home to eat and go to bed each night. I panicked at the prospect of figuring out how to manage getting in touch with employment attorneys, when they’re only open weekdays and I have mandatory work and classes during most of their business hours. There it literally one hour at the end of their workday that I am available weekdays. (Yet another thing I dislike tremendously about this job.) So, no, I will not be successful in both doing my current job and finding a new one at the same time. I don’t care how smart it is. It isn’t something that will work for me. I’m not going to sacrifice doing a good job (Though, the admin seems to believe I’m not doing a good job anyway, so what does it matter? Integrity is what matters to me. I agreed to do a job and I am going to give it what I can while I can.)

Okay, but I don’t want to be running away from the job or from whatever situation. I’d like to handle it, especially so that I don’t have to deal with it ever again. If I can complete whatever this is, perhaps I will not have to cross it ever again in life.

With that, I will go to sleep and see how God might inspire me in my dreams.

God, be with me and guide me clearly, please. Help me to act with confidence and competence, especially in these next few weeks, and especially at my job. Show me exactly what to do that I might fulfill your will in my life. Help me to be the best person I can be, the person you call me to be. Make me and the baby well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Show us the way, and help us to trust you in following it fully and immediately. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I miss the days when I worked part-time and took care of my husband and the house the rest of the time. We were so much more joyful then. We barely have a relationship right now, beyond my needing to be held together by him. We barely see one another, and I hardly have the energy when we do see one another.

Just something I noticed just now.

How can we do that kind of life again, but be financially stable? With a baby, of course.

God, guide us, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

They scheduled a last-minute meeting at the end of the day today during my last class. I thought they were firing me. Instead, they gave me a mostly-vague improvement plan that requires immediate improvement and only has a week and a half timeline included in it. And they included loads of information they had never shared with me before today. Basically, it seems like they are finally officially working to fire me, and with no severance package. Looks like the long-term sub candidate passed her background check and is available in a week and a half to start.

My department head doubted me when I expressed this concern. She knew that had been horrible to me from the start, and had said she would have quite several times over, had she been in my shoes. But she thought she would have been informed if they were doing anything that might lead to terminating my contract. She said she feels like she was incredibly naïve, and she apologized for thinking everything was no big deal when I was originally very concerned this might happen. She believes I am a great addition to the school and a great teacher. She’s also the only one who has talked to me about class and lessons etc., or who has ever observed me in class. But none of it is up to her, and she hates how helpless she feels and is right now.

Personally, as frustrating as all the BS is, I trust God. The amount of strain and depression that has lifted simply at the prospect of not having this job in another couple weeks has been shocking. Even though we cannot get by without the income, and we will have no insurance any longer, it is starting to seem clear that God doesn’t want me in this environment. If He did, there would be a path forward within it. But it has been near-constant roadblocks for the past two months.

I told my husband that my goal now is just to get as much money as possible before leaving the job, whatever the circumstances of my departure may be and whenever they may be. The whole point of keeping the job that made me miserable and depressed was to help with finances. That is truly still the point, so I will stay as long as I can in order to earn that paycheck.

God, guide us clearly in your will, please. Thank you for the love of my family and of my friends. Guide our leaders to follow you. Help me to see clearly my next step. Keep my husband safe, please. Make me and our baby well and safe, please. Your will be done. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024