Author: hannah.ananas

Alright, so, it is starting to seem like my job is trying to replace me. Not good, of course, but, after sharing with my dad about how everything has been going, I notice that I actually feel a sense of relief. Not that I want to lose a job, especially one that I’m actually very good at doing and whose actual work I like doing. But the admin and all of their struggle nonsense has been really getting to me and has contributed significantly to the depression I’ve already been having with the pregnancy and its physical limitations. So, yes, I would have to find other work, and yes it would have to be very quick. However, just the thought of being done with the disaster that is this admin has created a sense of ease within me. I think, too, that part of the relief is that I would have outlasted them. I have wished I could quit, but been intentional about keeping the financial benefits of the job, as well as enjoying teaching the kids and wanting to do a good job by them. I’ve been sticking it out through the total trash for those two reasons. If the admin decide to replace me, then I will have outlasted their BS. And that’s a big deal to me. Especially to have done so while so utterly miserable and pregnant.

Not saying that any of this actually will happen. But I notice that I feel okay, in a way, if it does happen. I’ll find something all the better instead, and we’ll work things out. We can do this, and I know God is with us and rooting for us. He wants us to be our best selves. This job might not be part of that after a certain point. Whatever the case, I trust Him. And I will do my best, period. As I have been doing. My best is very different these days, which has been a major adjustment for me. But there’s literally a whole load of work going on below the surface these days, and my work on the outside necessarily is different than in the past. And that’s how it is meant to be.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity. Please, make clear for me my next step in pursuing and fulfilling your will. Help me to be the best person I can be, the person you call me to be. Make me and the baby safe and well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. And help us always to sleep well each night. Also, please, grant me the right words in the difficult situations, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Note: I meant what I said there with “the right words”. Sometimes, the right words are not the sweet ones or the accepting ones or the ones that allow an injustice to continue unacknowledged, as I have discovered so far in this current job. Just because something is legal doesn’t make it just – these are words I have said this year. I would not be surprised if they got me into trouble, true as they were and appropriately placed and relevant as they were. I didn’t say them to cause trouble, but to communicate clearly as I felt called to communicate. So, yeah… trusting God’s words and guidance here these days, especially. May He give me the right words for following His path for me. 😛

I don’t want to live into a terrible future. Therefore, I am working on studying present to now. The furthest I am going is sleeping well and my husband getting into bed with me later tonight. I am focusing on releasing what I need to release and am allowing peace to be with me as I finish getting ready for bed and going to bed tonight.

God, thank you for this distinction. Help me to trust you fully. Keep us all safe, please. Keep my husband and the baby safe, please. Help us to see clearly our next set on your path in our lives. And help us to sleep well at night, please. Keep my family well and safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Happy Fall!!

Post-a-day 2024

Sometimes, people have smart, reasoned, researched things to say. And, sometimes, they have angry, defensive, mostly false things to say.

The latter is incredibly unfortunate, and is, sadly, rampant lately.

God, help us to follow you, please. Make me and the baby safe and well. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I can hardly wait to wake up tomorrow leisurely, to no alarm. I am quite stressed from this week, and I very much need some rest. Hopefully, this weekend can give me enough rest to recover and to be prepared for next week. There is much then that I am not willing even to consider yet.

God, help me to be who you call me to be. Help me to be my best self. And please make it clear what my every next step is. Help me to pursue and fulfill your will in my life. Help me to release this fury, and free me from this anxiety and utter sense of being hated and undervalued. Help us be financially stable and well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. And make me and the baby well and safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I have never hated a job so much or wanted to leave so terribly.

But we also need the income. So, I’m still here. I will continue to do what I can to do a good job here. But I very much look forward to never having to come back, once I have finished the assignment.

God gives us the hard stuff sometimes. This is very much hard stuff. Hopefully, it is so that I grow from it, and follow all the more deeply in God’s path for me. The stronger take the heavier loads. I know I’m strong, so it makes sense. It is just a very heavy load right now.

God, help me to carry it, please. Help me to be who you call me to be. Take care of us, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The started rather well. I managed to get Mayer looking very nice and stand having my hair down for twenty minutes to take a school portrait after morning carpool duty today. The girls had saucers for eyes, they were blown away with my hair’s being down. They kept saying how beautiful I looked. It was adorable and sweet. Though, I had been surprised myself when I had put on my dress and quickly fixed my hair – and that means that I took it out of the messy bun, pulled back the very front into the half-up half-down style, and placed the right balance of hair in front of my shoulders and behind them, no brushing included – in the bathroom. I did look very nice, and surprisingly so.

So, that was cool.

But I ended up missing two meetings after that, one I hadn’t even known about and one about which I had completely forgotten. No one came to get me or anything, though, for either one, so that felt kind of crappy.

I got notes from another teacher for the one meeting, and the other was rescheduled for tomorrow. And something has me stressed about tomorrow’s meeting, that it isn’t just about the original purpose. I think it was something mentioned in the invitation that immediate disappeared after I clicked on it, but I don’t recall. I hope it goes well, but I am doubtful that it will be easy for me.

My husband mentioned something this evening, when I shared about an annoyance at work (in the context of his asking why I so dislike my job), and it hit the nail perfectly. He said that it sounds like they don’t care at all about what I have to say. And it has very much felt like that. No one cares about my opinion. They simply want to do things they way they already do them, and they don’t want to be bothered by someone’s being confused or frustrated about those way, nor do they want to hear about it or deal with anyone’s struggling with it all. They seem nice and all, but they don’t actually care about me and my experience of anything they do or anything I have to say. Not even a little bit.

So, as annoying as that is to see, it is relieving, too. It has put clarity onto a massive struggle I have had. I am grateful for that insight.

Thank you, God, for the love of today and the insight of today. Help me and the baby to be well, please. Help our family to be well financially, and keep my husband and us safe, please. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Show us clearly our next step in doing that. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This morning, while having a rather rough morning hurl, I, to my own excitement (at the development of things and this very normal symptom) and disturbance, I peed myself, just a little bit. It didn’t even make it onto the floor or anything, as it was such a tiny amount. However, as my stomach wretched, my bladder pushed out a drop or two from the other end.

It was weird.

It kind of freaked me out. But it also made me feel like I’m really pregnant. Not that I haven’t felt pregnant. But I’ve mostly just felt sick and miserable. It hasn’t been pregnant-specific stuff for me. However, something I always have remembered about pregnant women is how they typically have bladder struggles. Yes, they’re for various reasons, and in various forms, but they are struggles with the bladder and having urine exit when the woman was not intending for it to exit. So, for me, this was kind of one of those moments. And it felt… I guess “good” is the word, but I mean it in the sense of ‘grateful to be in a healthy pregnancy where things are normal and well’. So, yeah… that was a weird start to the day.

Post-a-day 2024

11 years ago today, I crossed and happily shared this quote:

🙂 “Es lohnt sich, den Weg zu gehen, den Gott für einen vorgesehen hat. Gott enttäuscht nicht, er übertrifft unsere kühnsten Erwartungen. Gott schenkt nicht nur Mut, sondern auch Zuversicht. Für Gott gibt es immer eine Zukunft, es gibt keine hoffnungslose Situation, keine einzige. Egal, was in der Vergangenheit war, ich kann heute wieder neu anfangen.”

It was a lovely reminder tonight. I have been very much struggling lately, and working on trusting God and that this all is part of His will, which is good.

I also sent this to my husband, which I think is lovely in a different way, as well as comical… especially given how terrible OCD has been during this pregnancy so far:

When you get my water tonight, would you change out the lid? An adorable lime green bug has taken either a temporary or permanent nap on this one. I didn’t want to find out which.

God, help me to be well. Make the baby and me safe and well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The anatomy scan was yesterday, and the technician, who has been doing this for almost a decade, said everything made her happy. (You know, the legal way to say everything looks good, but without giving any official diagnosis, since she’s the technician, not the radiologist.) All the measurements were coming up as perfectly where the kid would be expected to me at this point, which was cool to hear. The whole spine was there and beautifully in line and full. It was such a relief to see that specifically. Hands and feet and arms and ears and nose and eyes and eye lenses and lips are all there and proper, properly developed. They all are fully developed, and just will continue growing. Super exciting news.

And we still don’t know the gender. Determined we don’t want to mess with anyone else’s reactions about it, nor do I want to risk any depression for myself at a disappointment, so we stuck with finding out when the baby arrives in January. I’ll be flooded with hormones and chemicals to help me love and adore and care for this baby no matter the gender, so it’s the best time to find out the gender, one way or the other.

Thank you, God, for the successful anatomy scan. Please, keep me and the baby safe. Help us both to be well and whole. Help me to follow and pursue your will with confidence and with comfort and ease. Take care of us financially, please, and help us to ease our stresses and to trust fully in you and your will for us. Keep my husband safe, please. Make our next step obvious always, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Now, if anyone asks what we’re having, I can say honestly that is looks like a cartoon T-Rex.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, we had a success today. Two, in fact. I made it to an early Mass at Church, and on my own. I didn’t make it for the whole time still, but I made it all on my own. Then, the ultrasound for the anatomy scan went really well. All things were present and measured appropriate sizes for the exact current length of time the baby has been growing inside of me. The technician couldn’t give officially a result, but was legally allowed to say that she was happy with everything she saw and she answered a lot of questions along the way that eased much anxiety I had been carrying about whether the baby was developing properly and all. Turns out that it all measure up and lines up quite well. Also, still don’t know about gender, intentionally so, but it is now starting to stress me for real. Everything in me wants this one to be a healthy girl. It also was already feeling like a girl, with no clear explanation as to why it feels that way. The first one felt like a boy. This one feels like a girl. However, I am having doubts now, and it is stressing me. Ugh.

God, thank you for this healthy and well and whole baby. Help it continue to grow beautifully and successfully into the child we have longed to have. Help us to be great parents and to love one another through it all. Grant us your grace and peace, please. Keep me and the baby safe. Keep my husband safe, please. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will voluntarily. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024