hannah ananas

Sometimes, it is very easy to change my daughter’s diaper. Sometimes, I have to pin her down on the ground with both of my legs, semi-sitting on her face while I change her diaper against her writhing legs and midst her wild wails. Sometimes, it is quick and I am finished within thirty seconds. Other times, I am gagging and crying as I avoid as best possible smelling the horrendous sludge that is somehow everywhere at once and seems endless for the first few baby wipes… and she sometimes decides to put her hand or foot in those, too…

And, on rare occasions – very rare ones – I don’t have to be the one to change the diaper at all, and it gets changed by someone else. But usually not. Usually, even if someone else is around and I think that someone’s or those someones would change her diaper, I find out after they leave that she is still wearing the same diaper I put on her before they came to watch her, and now she probably has a slight rash.

Ugh.

Sometimes, people suck.

But I like my baby. Even though she keeps pulling my hair as I write this.

Post-a-day 2025

Sometimes, you think that even a late bedtime will give you enough sleep to function tomorrow for a semi-early start, but then you choose family time over going right to bed, and so have wholesome time you rarely get together as a family, but then practically guarantee that church will be hard the next morning with just yourself and the baby on not-enough sleep.

Or am I the only one on that one…?

Goodnight…

Post-a-day 2026

P.S. A small plane seems to be circling our house right now. For once, I know it isn’t my husband, because he is currently in the shower in the bathroom right next to me. However, it raises the questions of who on earth is circling in the first place, let alone at one in the morning?

P.P.S. This circling is, in fact, perfect circling, most likely provided by the autopilot including in police airplanes, because it is, in fact, a police airplane. Yes, we looked it up and discussed it once he got out of the shower. Haha

Today, I got myself back on track with doing my kakizome 書き初め by having family over to do it all together. I ended up using the same phrase as last year, as it felt like it hadn’t been fulfilled enough, so to speak – the work hadn’t been completed yet. Given that I never wrote it last year, and just had it with my bedtime routine stuff on my phone, this felt all the more fair to use it a second year in a row.

Though, it was already a challenge this past year. I’m hoping that my slowly adjusting mindset will help me to do even better by it this year.

My kakizome this year is 生やす hayasu, which means “to cultivate, to grow”.

Funnily, my brother and his wife had their baby do one for herself. My brother held her in the air across the table while she had her hands on the brush that my sister-in-law held over the paper and used to write. My niece’s kakizome for this year? (Keep in mind that she is not yet six months old.) たべる taberu, “to eat”.

My baby was passed out on her personal rug on the floor, and didn’t feel like we should wake her, so she didn’t end up doing one this year. Maybe next year, and she can actually pick one for herself then. That would be quite cool(!).

Post-a-day 2026

I struggled today. I want to be a good Mom and a good Wife and a good Catholic, and I want to take good care of myself. I felt like I did a very poor job of all of them today, only barely touching the surface of any single aspect. I didn’t make it to Mass, I didn’t eat enough at reasonable intervals, I didn’t drink enough water, I’m exhausted, my baby fussed a lot and I fooled around on my phone instead of picking her up right away each time. I didn’t get up to watch the first sunrise of the year. I didn’t do any of the laundry.

But my husband surprised me this evening. He called me after he finished work, just to check in, and we actually got to talk for about 20 minutes. He reminded me that God knows my heart and my struggles, and that He doesn’t blame me for not being better at everything right now. My husband also reminded me that I am doing a good job taking care of our daughter. He also said that it’s okay for me still to have high standards, but that it’s also okay – and somewhat necessary – for me to have lowered expectations for right now.

But he also reminded me that I’m doing better than I think. He forgot his lunch at home today, though he did remember his coffee. But I’m the one who makes sure that he has a lunch ready every day, and I’ve started prepping fresh coffee for him to take each morning, too. I keep his clothes clean, if not folded. Same with the baby’s clothes. She always has clean diapers and wipes at the ready, and her clothes always fit. And she is clean, too, and very happy and healthy. Even if she does cry a lot in the evenings when I’m trying to get ready for bed.

Anyway, it was really sweet of my husband to reassure and encourage me today, and to talk with me for so long, just to spend some time with me. I’ve been so lonely these past several months, and everything has been so much harder being mostly on my own for it all. And he knows that, and he did a great job in supporting me how I needed it today. It may sound silly, but that 20 minutes made all the difference.

Thank you, God, for my husband and for his love. Please, keep him and me and our baby safe and well. Thank you for our lives and our home. Help us to do your will happily. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

(Happy New Year!!)

It’s weird, sometimes, living in a part of town that is full of Mexicans. The cultural disregard for the law is baffling at times. At holiday times, especially so. Tonight, hours before midnight, there were large fireworks going off all around us. No, not the legal kind, though those were also being used. Come midnight, we have borderline professional level fireworks displays in three directions, all fully visible from our backyard, no more than a few blocks away for any one of them. I’m pretty sure we aren’t even allowed to sit this close to legal firework displays at events like July Fourth and such. So, yeah. A bit wild.

Oh, and fireworks are still going off. Big ones. Not the biggest ones, but still very much the not-legal ones. And it’s 1:22 in the morning. Totally different world here.

Post-a-day 2025

I have been working on building up our freezer supply of breastmilk again. Though it was a struggle at first to be consistent with using the haakaa again, I eventually got used to it, and so did my breasts. My right releases milk so much more easily than my left, so I tend to use the haakaa more often on it than on the left one. And I am able to squeeze it manually to get a lot more milk out of a single nursing session than I get out of the left one with squeezing. So, my right breast has been producing a noticeable amount more than my left lately. Coincidentally, last night, my baby nursed almost exclusively on the left side throughout the night (I mostly just let her have whatever she grabs during the night when she sleeps with me, as any main goal is to fall back asleep as soon as possible whenever she wakes me up with her hungry cries.). So, very bizarrely, I woke up this morning with my right breast incredibly swollen and looking like it was an implant, much like the first days after birth, when my milk first came in. But this was just on the one side. It was way goofy. And, yes, it also was uncomfortable and tight with the pressure build-up.

Fortunately, she was hungry still, as she usually is in the morning, so we relieved that pressure almost as soon as I noticed it. But it was wild, to be sure. I certainly will be more intentional about balancing the breast usage throughout the night now. I typically have just enough awareness to make sure she is using the left side as close to half the time as I can manage, so they can remain about the same size and produce similar levels of milk, as much as is possible. But last night proved to be a 100% night for the left side(!). Haha

Yes, I know that I am ridiculous and a dork.

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and show us your will clearly and kindly, each step of the way. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

It is cold out tonight, and that is wonderful.

Thank you, God, for our home and our family. Thank you for these cuddles on these cold nights. Please, keep my husband and our daughter and me safe, and make us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I asked for help tonight in a new and specific way. We shall see how it goes, but it feels like it could be quite helpful in the end. Even if this particular request is not met with the asked-for help, my having asked was a great step all on its own, and I am grateful for the progress.

Thank you, God. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I just might go to a movie tomorrow, alone with my baby, early in the morning, after I go to the 7:30AM Mass at the church here… What?!

God, guide us clearly and kindly, please. Keep my husband and our baby and me safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Everyone seems to be adamant that I need to take better care of myself and to balance out my tasks and to include outside things that fulfill me, but almost no one actually shows up to support me in doing any of that. And they wonder why I just keep getting more exhausted and my tolerance for things gets lower and lower.

A rare few have stepped up and concretely helped me to do some of these things, and those occasions have been absolutely awesome. They have reminded me that I can be a real person still and that I am actually loved.

Thank you for those occasions and for my home. Please, keep my husband and my baby and me safe, and make us well. Please, help us to be kind and gentle with one another whenever we are hurting. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025